Superbowl Traditions

Well it is the week before the Superbowl here in America, and to honor the holiest of days in my world (ie Superbowl Sunday) I will make all my posts this week Superbowl related. And this post is about my Superbowl traditions.

When I was a kid my whole Superbowl experience consisted of watching the game and eating whatever fucking concoxition (boiled crap soup-what kid wants to eat that shit) that my mother would make as family and friends of the family would be over. But that was not the great part of the day, the great part of the day consisted of me mixing drinks (scotch on the rocks) for my drunken dad. So I never really got to enjoy the games very much as a kid since I was playing bartender.

After my parents got divorced my Superbowl experience was limited to me making food for the game with whatever my mom had in the house. And since my mother hates football, well she never felt it was worth the $100 worth of food to get all of the good stuff for the game. She would make shit like baked fish with rice and broccoli. Who eats healthy food for the Superbowl? The Superbowl by-laws clearly dictate that you have to eat artery clogging foods with the game or you can’t watch it. So needless to say that my childhood Superbowl experiences weren’t anything to write home about, especially since I never could truly enjoy the big game as it is supposed to be enjoyed.

Once I got thrown out of my mom’s house I was able to at least enjoy the Superbowl when it came to food quality. I found the joys of beer, Doritos with salsa, wings, and all the other great foods that are often associated with the great game. One year while I was in college the seafood guy in the grocery store I worked at, decided it would be a good idea to drain the live lobster tank and clean it out. But the dumb fuck forgot to check to make sure that he had the salt water mix to fill the tank again, which we did not have. So he had to steam all the lobsters and sell them off CHEAP. So I put six lobsters in the back cooler (they were $5 each for a whole lobster) and kept them until I got off before game time so I could enjoy them. When I got them home I threw their red asses on the grill to heat them up and melted some butter. It was the best Superbowl food moment I have ever had. I ate six whole lobsters with a baked potato, melted butter, and a 12 pack of beer. I was living the High Life (if you don’t know that where that term comes from then you need to watch more beer commercials).

As I got older, got married and had kids my Superbowl Sunday consisted of cooking tons of food at home. Homemade queso cheese dip with breakfast sausage mixed in, mini sausages cooked in the crock pot with bbq sauce, wings, pizza rolls, celery sticks, mini carrots with homemade ranch dip, a big ass cheese ball and crackers, and tons of other stuff were on the table for the game. We would all get together and have family and friends over for the game the delicious food that we would serve.

Now that I am divorced, not much has changed. I still have friends and family over to watch the game. I even have my ex over for the game as well (hey someone has to cook all the food). Me, my kids, and my brother all congregate in the living room with heaps of food to watch the game. And that is exactly what I will be doing this Sunday. I even set up another tv in the house for my kids to watch Animal Planet as they have the “Puppy Bowl”.

I also watch all of the Superbowl commercials as they are usually pretty damn funny. If you have never watched the commercials that air during the Superbowl, then there is something wrong with you. Watch them. Seriously, almost all of them are really funny.

The most important thing to Superbowl Sunday is the damn game in and of itself. Most years of my life my Pittsburgh Steelers have not been in the Superbowl. But they are in the game this year which means my smoke breaks will all be during the commercials so I will most likely miss the commercials. If this Superbowl with my team is anything like the one from two years ago, then I will be screaming and yelling and cussing to the tv telling it “get your fat fucking ass to the endzone” (actually what I said when James Harrison was in the middle of his 100 yard td interception return 2 years ago). Needless to say I love this game and my team. And this year both my team and this game are one and the same.

I guess what I am saying to you is that my Superbowl traditions are to have a lot of very unhealthy food, have friends and family over, and enjoy the game. Plain and simple is best for me since I am a fairly simple guy who is easily pleased. Even if you don’t like football or the teams in the Superbowl, you should partake in this holy day of American sports.

Lunch Lady Blues

I am not sure if you have seen it over the last couple of years or not, but there has been a lot in the news about making school lunches healthier for kids. It is a great idea because Americans in general have become fatter in my lifetime.

Even the first lady Michelle Obama has made this her “cause”, which I do not have a problem with. All first ladies have had a cause which they try to bring to light and help an issue which is important to them. Laura Bush was trying to help literacy among children. So I have no problem with Michelle Obama trying to help get our kids less fat.

It really is a problem what kids eat in school. Have you ever had school food recently? When I was a kid the food I ate at school was not healthy. I would say that the food tasted more like petrified dog shit than it did food. I digress though; kids need to eat healthier so that we don’t end up as a society that looks like the humans on that spaceship in the movie “Wall-E”. So school districts all over America are on board and trying to serve healthier lunches to the kids. Stuff that is now on the menu includes stuff with less carbohydrates, less sugar, less serving sizes, and less fatty stuff on the menu.

Now that we have spent two years trying to get schools to server healthier foods, do you know what school districts are doing? Well as a result of budget cuts and trying to use their time with the kids more on actual education, they have started cutting the time in physical education or cutting them altogether. Really? Yes really school districts are cutting physical education and some are even allowing kids to earn their credit for it over the net. I almost fell out of my desk chair when I saw this reported on Nightline. The whole idea behind physical education was to get kids off of their asses and now you can earn your credit for it by sitting on your ass.

Do you remember the “Presidents Physical Fitness Awards” that they used to give out? I do because I got shit tons of them in school because I actually RAN and EXERCISED at SCHOOL. And I was not a fat kid because my mom actually cooked healthy food at home and I ate good at school. She put me in multiple sports so I could get exercise at home as well as while I was at school.

I am no nutritionist (but I do play one on here) but it does not matter if the schools only serve fruits, vegetables, and Cheerios if you don’t fucking exercise you will get fat. The math on this is very simple.

Healthy food + exercise = a healthy person

Healthy food + no exercise = a unhealthy person

Unhealthy food + exercise = a unhealthy person

Unhealthy food + no exercise = 21st Century American?

 
This concept that the schools are now serving healthy food and at the very same time cutting exercise for the kids is fucking ridiculous. Also one meal at school five days a week does not make you fat either. If they really cared they would encourage the parents to serve healthy shit at home. And also exercise at home.

You see this is what is wrong with America. We can’t get everyone on the same page as a nation working together. The first lady got schools to start serving healthier food at schools, but then the schools cut back on physical education. Did you not get the message about having fat kids Mr School District? It takes exercise and eating the right foods to not have fat kids.

My Balls, A Follow Up Story

Here is a good follow up story to the tale about my vasectomy. If you are new to my blog you need to go and read it as it is a hilariously horrific story. If you have already read that story, than you can relax as this story is happy and my balls were not hurt in the making of it.

A couple of months after having my vasectomy I got together with a small group of friends at a local pub on a Sunday night for their weekly steak night. It was my first trip outside of the house other than to go to work since my surgery, so I jumped at the chance to get out of the casa.

After dinner was over we were all talking and the subject of my vasectomy came up. I told the horrible story of how the actual day went (again if you have not read the story, go read it). Needless to say after telling the story a few shots of Patron were bought for me in sympathy.

One of my friends was asking me all kinds of questions about my vasectomy as he was considering having one himself. Why anyone would want one after hearing my nightmare of a time with mine is beyond me.

One of the questions he asked me was, “do you still…you know…. shoot your load?”

I replied back, “yes you still shoot your load after having it. What man would get a surgery on purpose if he could no longer blow his load?”

My friend then asked me, “Well if you still shoot your load, than what is different?”

Since I just had a fresh glass of ice tea (without the sugar in it) dropped off at my table, I told my friend, “you see my jizz is a lot like this glass of iced tea. Before my vasectomy, my jizz was like a glass of iced tea with sugar in it. And now my jizz is like this glass right here which does not have any sugar in it.” (Think tastes great less filling for the ladies).

My friend looked at me confused. He then said, “Your jizz was sweet before you had your surgery?”

I replied back very snarky, “dude ask one of the skanks who have gone down on you and swallowed because I don’t taste my own jizz.”

My good friend still had a confused look on his face like he did not understand what I was saying about the iced tea analogy.

So I told him, “Ok here it is in a nutsack. Imagine that before my vasectomy that my jizz was like vitamin D whole milk containing all the stuff milk comes with naturally. And now post vasectomy, my jizz is like skim milk and does not contain all of the stuff that makes a woman fat, I mean pregnant.”

Everyone (well at least the men) laughed. One of the women at the table slapped me across the arm rather hard because she thought my comment about jizz making women fat was sexist.

Eventually after a few minutes my friend got it and understood what it was I was trying to say.

And that right there is how I became to be known amongst a small group of my friends as “skim milk”.

The LOL Award

Well yesterday I had the honor of receiving the same award twice in the same day. That has happened twice this month actually. Maybe we need to call Scully to see if this is something for X-Files. If it isn’t maybe she can show me her XXX-Files.

I also got the same very award today from another blogger.

I guess by getting the same award three times in two days I am taking off, and I am on my way to achieving my plan of taking over the blog world.

"Gee Trash, what are we going to do today?”

“The same thing we do every day, try to make people laugh Pinky.”

I was given the “LOL” blog award by Bruce (see his blogs here and here), Mrs. Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom, and by Blah Coo Coo Blah. I guess I make them “LOL” although I am not quite sure what that means exactly. I sure hope it does not cause chest pain or something that requires a trip to the emergency room as it sounds painful. Speaking of painful, have you noticed how much it fucking costs these days just to take a deep breath inside of a hospital? Can’t fucking afford it is exactly right.

Anyways, I was given this nice little award for making them laugh. Thank you Bruce, Bitch (she’s not a bitch; I just wanted to say bitch), and Blah for the award . You should go check out their blogs as they are all funny bloggers.

This award comes with some rules where I have to thank the people who have given it to me, pass on the award to seven bloggers I find funny, and list seven things that no one knows about me.

So in no particular order here are seven bloggers that I find fucking funny. Please go and check them out as they are good writers and need some more peeps checking out there stuff.

Holly

Kelley

Muffin Logic

Sassy

Kage

Sugar Free Thoughts

The Twins

Here are the seven things which no one knows about me.

1. I am horrifically shy. I don’t hit on women when I am out in public.

2. I have a list of over 150 blog ideas which I need to write about. Some funny, some serious.

3. I love to read, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at me.

4. I am the son of a raging alcoholic but I rarely drink. Except when I am out of town and don’t have to drive. Then I become a happy drunk.

5. My first job was as a pizza delivery guy. My first day on that job was on Super Bowl Sunday 1991. My first car was a lowered Nissan mini-truck which had a targa top and small tv inside it. No I didn’t miss the Superbowl that year.

6. The Most Interesting Man In The World and Chuck Norris both refuse to play me in chess.

7. I used to skate board when I was a youth. And I was actually quite good.

Well there you have it in a nutshell. I will try to keep the “funneh” up so you can laugh at what I have to say around here.

Steelers Rule

I have been doing a little happy dance since last night. Why you ask, well because my favorite NFL football team in the world is the Pittsburgh Steelers. And last night the Steelers won the AFC Championship and are now going to be playing in the Superbowl vs. the Green Bay Packers. So I am on fucking cloud nine right now.

You see I am originally from Pittsburgh and have been a Steelers fan since before I was born. And now my team is playing to get a record SEVENTH Superbowl title. They are 6-1 in Superbowl games. And now with this upcoming Superbowl they have been to the Superbowl 3 times in the last 6 years. Even if you hate them, you have to respect their talent as they have been very relevant for a long time.

And the ironic thing is that I predicted before the season that the Steelers would go 12-4 in regular season and they did. At the beginning of the playoffs I predicted that it would be the Steelers and the Packers in the Superbowl. What is even more ironic is that they will be playing the Superbowl in the stadium of the Dallas Cowboys, the only team to ever beat the Steelers in a Superbowl. All of my friends are Cowboys fans so it is burning their insides to have the Steelers playing in THEIR stadium at the Superbowl.

Here is a little picture of me that I took last Friday. I am holding up one finger for each championship that the Steelers have.

Yes I know I colored out my face, but since I am in the FBI witness protection program due to a couple of bloggers wanting to “bump” me off, well I had protect my identity. I am kidding they don’t want to bump me off, but I am sure they are cheering for the Packers to win.

As for these bloggers they are Bruce and his twin Evil Bruce who made a little bet with me (as he is a Jets fans) and the loser had to post a nice post about the others team. I am looking forward to his post about the Steelers. But really his blogs are fucking hilarious and you should go check them out. He even writes about his awesome black lab puppy that he has. Good stuff I tell you.

The other blogger who is mad at me right now is Mrs. Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom. You see she lives in Baltimore and is a huge Ravens fan. So needless to say she was a TAD bit pissed off when my Steelers beat down her team a week ago. But don’t let her anger and angst for me and the Steelers stop you from reading her blog, she is hilarious and her blog is excellent.

And here is a bonus blog for you to check out. His name is Bluzdude and you should check out his blog Darwinfish. He is also a fellow Steelers fan and he writes about living in the Devils back yard (ie Baltimore – because he is in Ravens country) and other stuff. So you should check out his blog as it is good stuff.

And since it is Superbowl time around here, next week all of my posts will be Superbowl related. I cannot wait for Sunday February 6th to get here.

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 2

Here is some more from my series “Thoughts of a Jackass” where I post some of my random thoughts which often turn into a nice little post on Facebook. This is sort of like how a lot of you have a “random thoughts” post but a little bit different.

If Michael Jackson was still alive and on Facebook, do you think he would “Like” young boys?

I hope for his sake that Vince Young runs his restaurant better than he runs the Tennessee Titans offense.

I just got back from lunch at the Lucky Village on Dairy Ashford. They had a sign up that said, "Don't Waste Food." Don't they know I didn't get to be a fatass by wasting food?

First there was dancing with the stars, now there is skating with the stars. What is next, pimpin with the stars?

Just added to Ebay, buy the Houston Astros and get the Houston Texans for FREE.

If you are flying during the upcoming holidays, don't think badly of the anal probing that the TSA Agents are doing to you. Think of it more as a free prostate screening.

"I have been gone for 4 years now and the Texans still suck. You can't blame me anymore." - David Carr

I wonder if the TSA Agents would find it funny if I told them "I am packing" right before they feel up my junk the next time I go through the airport.

I guess they will give any damn nitwit a tv show now. I saw a commercial last night for a show on The Learning Channel starring Sarah Palin. Her having a show on The Learning Channel has to be an oxymoron if I have ever seen one.

Although I did not enlist, I did serve in combat (ie I was married for 7 years) and I would have gladly traded my marriage for two tours in Nam.

I heard this morning on the radio that Texans owner Bob McNair has filed a missing persons report with the FBI for the whole defensive unit of the Texans as they have not shown up all year.

God has to be the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from a man and turned into a loudspeaker.

Do you ever have those days where no matter how much coffee you drink you just lack motivation to do anything?

I am watching Cheaters right now and this show cracks me the hell up. They just broke up a wedding for a confrontation with the husband to be.

Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by ladies college soccer. Dam you college women have some nice legs.

RIP Brett Favre

No, Brett Favre is not dead, but this season we saw the end of the fantastic NFL career of Brett Favre. Well I am assuming his career is done but as we all have seen over the years he has a habit of coming back when he has said he was done.

As Sunday wrapped up the second weekend of the NFL playoffs it seems strange not having Favre in the playoffs as the teams he has played on normally made the playoffs. You see normally his name is one of the ones thrown around during pregame shows and halftime shows, and is always a part of highlights on Sportscenter during the playoffs. So it is really weird to not hear his name being called after 20 years of hearing it in the playoffs.

Favre played in the NFL for 20 seasons, which is a lot of years for the position of quarterback if you think about it considering all the abuse a quarterback takes during games. Now I am not fan of Favre as I am a Steelers fan, but I can appreciate the great players who have played the game. He played through many injuries throughout his career and accomplished a lot of things. And if I remember correctly he played a game for the Packers on the day his dad passed away (and had the game of a lifetime too that night). That guy is the modern day man of steel to have done some of the things he has done. I just wish he would have played all of his years with Green Bay as I like to see great players stay with one team.

Let’s take a look at some of his career stats shall we?

300 plus games played
71,000 plus passing yards (the only NFL QB to do this)
500 plus touchdown passes (the only NFL QB to do this)
10,000 plus pass attempts (the only NFL QB to do this)
6,000 plus completions
525 sacks
336 interceptions
1 Superbowl Victory
1 cover of Madden game

But here is the statistics he will be most remember for.

197 text messages to two massage “therapists”
245 text messages to a New York Jets employee (who is fucking smoking hot)
50 picture text messages of his “penis” to said New York Jets employee
2 inch penis

Wait did you say 2 inch penis? Yes I did. You see some of the text messages he sent to ladies included a picture of his “roll of dimes” penis and the media released some of the pictures. I did not personally see the pictures, but the sports radio station I listen to mentioned that he was not packing in that department. I guess we need to rename the “Packers” because the man that led them for 15 years was not in any sense of the word a “Packer”.

And when I was doing the research for this post, I found out why I found the woman from the Jets he sent the nasty text messages to was so familiar. You see when I googled her (her name is Jenn Sterger if you want to google her for yourself), her pictures from college came up. She was the hot ass coed that ABC and ESPN used to focus in on every time they broadcasted a Florida State football game. Bret I can’t blame you for sending a picture of your roll of dimes to her because she is hot.

I digress, I guess I just wanted to say that you can take the man out of Southern Mississippi but you can’t take the Southern Mississippi out of the man. The guy in my opinion is not very smart or lacks in the common sense department. If I had a 2 inch penis, I sure as fuck would not be sending a picture of it to women I want to screw because if they know in advance what you have, chances are you are not getting any from them.

I just wished he would have stayed with the Packers for his whole career because I will always think of him as a Green Bay player. And if he had stayed at Green Bay it is doubtful that the text message scandal would have happened which is going to haunt him forever. But just like he couldn’t stay with one woman (ie his wife) he couldn’t stay with one team (ie the Packers) for life.

The irony is not lost on me though that even Mother Nature has had enough of his shenanigans. On the weekend where he missed his first start in 20 years, she made it snow so much that the stadium roof collapsed a couple of nights before the next home game. I think that is an omen that he needs to heed and hang it up because that sound you hear is the fat lady singing.

100 Followers And Another Award

This past Thursday I received another award on here. It was my fourth award in one week (I guess the word is getting out about me) and I was very happy to get this award. The award seems to fit me pretty well and it comes with no rules (not that I am against rules, but I am a rebel so to speak). The award is the “Your Blog Is Bloody Brilliant” award and I got it from The Empress over at the Ranters Box. You should go check out her blog as she is funny and she writes really well. So thank you Empress, I really appreciate the award.

On Friday I also reached another milestone in addition to getting 4 blog awards in one week, and that is I surpassed 100 followers (well 110 at the time of writing this post). I never thought I would get to the 100 follower level. No really I honestly never thought I would get to this level. Having 100 followers is like starting a business and it taking off really well. And this mark is really an accomplishment for me since I only have 60 posts and that is like almost 2 followers per post. So thank you to all of you who have stuck around with me, and have read the little stories that I like to tell as well as my nasty perverted jokes. Don’t worry, I won’t sell out now that I have reached 100 followers and change my content or my jokes and stories. I plan to continue writing about all of the things that have got me to this level. So stick around because there will be a lot more of my style of humor, common sense, and stories of my life.

So since I got a following now, here is a little bit about me. I like to write but more importantly, I love to talk and tell stories. My sense of humor would be best suited for standup comedy, but since I don’t have my own show I will have to continue to write. I did not always like to write because I suck at grammar and the English language in general. English was the one class all through school and college that I sucked at. But I have found that over time I seem to be getting better (well at least in my small little mind at least) with writing and trying to get what is in my head to come out of hiding and jump into Microsoft Word.

Well you the lovely follower did not come here for me to babble on about myself, you came here for the picture I am about to post. You see if you didn’t already know, I promised a while back that for each 50 followers I get on here that I will post a picture of myself for you guys to see. So without any further delay, here is the picture of myself that I promised you the lovely reader back from my college days when I was a stripper.

When I get to 150 followers I will post a picture of myself from back when I used to be an internet model. Have a great day everyone. I hope this picture of me makes you have a great Monday.

2010 TSA Statistics

If you have been following my blog then you are aware of how I am a true fan of the TSA and all that they do. I thought I would take a hot minute to tell you about the 2010 statistics recently released by the TSA on their performance for the year. So here is the breakdown of all the things that the TSA found in 2010.

Dildos confiscated (weapons of ass destruction) – 456

Hernias caused – 1,485

Enlarged Prostates – 8,249

Men with one testicle – 765

Hemorrhoid cases – 3,172

Natural blonds – 3.4

Breast implants – 59,350

Dirty diapers – 113,657

Transvestites – 133

Bottles of lube over 3.5 ounces – 79,342

Under wear containing skid marks - 396.5

Women with padded bras – 34

Hamsters that used to belong to Richard Gere – 5

Cases of undiagnosed breast cancer – 59

Little bags of drugs inserted into someone’s ass – 3

"Fake" redheads where the carpet does not match the drapes - 147


Here are the important stats right here:

Terrorist Plots Discovered – 0

Bombs found – 0

Pissed off American travelers – 300,000,000

So I hope you can see the great job our government has been doing to keep us safe and all while you are traveling. Keep up the good work perverts TSA Agents.

I feel a Real Men Of Genius post coming soon.......

I Got Another Award

On Monday I did a post about how I had received two awards over the weekend and also how I had been pimped out. Well on Monday after I had posted my award post, I received another award from Semi True Storyteller over at Can U Relate. Her blog is awesome so you need to go check it out. She writes about everything and anything that comes to her mind, so please go read her blog.

The name of the award is the “Life Is Good” award which is cool. I do find it ironic that my life can be a complete utter clusterfuck at times, which makes this award a little funny. I don’t write about all the messed up things that go on in my life (only the funny ones) so I guess this is karma saying my life really is good.

So this award comes with some rules. I have to thank the giver of the award (done above), I have to pass the award on (done below here), and answer the 10 questions (below). So I have fulfilled the award rules.

I chose to pass this award onto the following people:

Miss Nikki over at My Cyber House Rules because her life truly is good. She is living on a recently purchased boat and her blog is awesome. Go and read stuff as she is funny.

Powdered Toast Man over at Just The Cheese because he bribed asked me for an award so I am giving him one. His blog is very funny and always keeps me entertained, and also he has trivia as well. Go and check him out for yourself.

And last but not least Midwestern Momma Holly over at Are You Serious. Her blog is hilarious and good so you should go check it out.

As for the required questions, here you go.

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now? Yes I blog anonymously and I am happy with it. A few people who actually know me in real life know about and read my blog and I don’t mind. But some of the stuff I write about could bring some serious shitstorms down on me/family/friends so I kept it anonymously. Yes that means I have some seriously offensive shit coming soon.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. Hmm, every day I open my mouth at work.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror? I see myself as a fat guy who is ugly and could lose some weight. But I balance it out when I think that by saying I am a good parent and my kids love me, haven’t flunked out of school, and haven’t turned into serial killers yet. Although they are cereal killers and can knock off a box of cheerios faster than a lake of catfish can.

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink? Mountain Dew is my favorite, and I can down a can of it like nothing at all in no time flat.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Well as I rarely get time at all for me, I tend to either watch some sports, read, or write stuff for my blog. But “me” time is more rare than a non corrupt non lying politician.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life? There are a lot of things I would like to accomplish. Keeping both of my kids from having kids before marriage, keeping my daughter off of a stripper pole (relax Kage I am kidding), getting both of my kids through college, and a ton of other stuff.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? I was actually the shy class clown. No one ever got my humor or much less appreciated it. Now all of my former classmates find my shit funny on Facebook. Which is ironic because my sense of humor has not changed in 35 years.

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? Hmm I would have to say two events come to my mind. One is when my kids were born and the other is the day I moved out of my ex-wifes rent house.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events? Well lets just say I am sharing with you with every post. It is like putting a 1000 piece puzzle together and only doing 3 pieces per week.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? I would choose to sit down and read a book because I am always on the phone with people. My phone never stops ringing between my brother and my kids.

Hot, Hot, Hot -NSFW

Since I wrote about something sad/angry yesterday, I give you something more happy today.

Now I normally don’t write about such smut lovely topics such as my unhealthy obsession crushes with celebrity women I would like to bang, but I am going to make an exception for you just this one time. You see my favorite Jewish hottie (sorry Robyn you are my second favorite Jewish hottie) on the planet is Natalie Portman. I have had a little fantasy crush on her for some time. And recently I was sent the link for this nice little video. The video clip is a trailer from the new movie “Black Swan” and it is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. You see I have dreamed of licking her between her legs like a cow licks a salt block in summer time her for ages and well just take a look at this video for yourself and see who I wished I was. If you are offended by images of simulated sex, please go to www.disney.com now.

Needless to say I will indeed be purchasing this movie when it comes out on DVD regardless of how good the rest of the movie is outside of these 2 minutes.

EDITED: It was supposed to be a video of Natalie Portman from the new movie "Black Swan" and it was a lesbian make out scene where Natalie was half nekkid having a chick going down on here. But alas the clip has been removed. So just use your imagination.

Bob Nails It

If you did not know it, over the weekend another nut job went on a shooting rampage and killed roughly 6 people (including a 10 year old girl who was born on 9-11-01) and wounded around 12 more (including a Congress Woman from Arizona). When I heard about this shooting my heart sank for the family and friends of the deceased and the wounded people who were shot by this jackass. I am tired of hearing about senseless murder and crime in general. Why couldn’t his jackass just gone in his back yard and taken his own life instead of doing what he had done. He has gone and destroyed so many lives in just mere seconds and now he is going to be in jail for life getting free room and board, 3 square meals a day, cable tv, access to a library, and you and me have to foot the bill. I sure hope he gets the death penalty for what he has done in ruining so many lives.

In addition to the sadness and anger I felt over the shooting, I got even more pissed off when I saw the news reporting on this tragedy. If you have read my post about the lame stream media, then you know what I am about to say. If you have not read it yet, then please do so, so you can understand what I am talking about. You see the news media outlets did not even bother to get any facts together about this case. Nope. Not one of them. They all started to say the shooter did this because of the political rhetoric in the country the last few years. The left (CSB, MSNBC, ABC, CNN, my local paper even) was saying the shooter was a right wing Sarah Palin loving nut job. The right (Fox News) was saying he was a pot smoking liberal. Hey media, how about getting the facts before you declaring judgment? You know how about digging into this guy’s past, find out how he got the gun in the first place; try to find out why he did it. You know find out something for fucks sake. The blood on the concrete was not even dry before judgment was passed by both sides on why he did what he did and it makes me fucking sick. Shame on you the media for doing this, SHAME ON YOU.

Blaming anyone (or anything) other the shooter for what was done, is ridiculous. It would like blaming video games and McDonalds for why your kid is fat and failing in all his/her classes at school, when it is really the parents fault for not getting the kid off of the couch and shoving shitty food down his/her throat. Put the blame where the blame is.

Anyways, this guy here that I follow on Facebook often posts some pretty funny rants on youtube. And the one he did on this very subject was spot on. You can see his Facebook page by going here.

I agree with him.





Edited to add: If you remember when the Fort Hood shooter went off killing people, the media said we shouldn't rush to judge the guy as a terrorist simply because he was a muslim. Yet in this case the very same media who said we shouldn't rush to judgment with Fort Hood shooter, went off and rushed to say that this sick guy was a tea party member/Republican/Conservative just because he was an mentally disturbed angry white man. Do you see the hypocrisy?

Edited to add again: The Washington Post had an article which complained about rhetoric of people like Glen Beck and Sarah Palin. And then posted this picture right here. By doing this cartoon isn't the Washington Post doing the same damn thing that they are complaining about the right doing? I think they are. I hate fucking politics. Nothing has brain washed more people in history than politics, schools, and religion.

I Have Been Pimped And Awarded

Recently one of the blogs I follow The Ranters Box pimped me out on her blog. Her blog is hilarious and you need to go and read it. Seriously, drop what you are doing and go read her blog now. She really deserves to be Bon’d (Blogs Of Note you perverts) on here as her blog is great. So give her a read.

I was also given a pretty sweet award on Friday and again on Saturday by two different bloggers. I was given the award on Friday by Jewels and on Saturday by A Redhead Named Sam. Both of their blogs are good and you should go check them out. Jewels writes about her experiences with trying to find a man, turning 30 years old, and her big Greek family. Sam writes about her life and some pretty tough choices she has made in the last couple of years. You should go read both of their blogs.

Now onto the award and it is called “The Irresistibly Sweet Award” and was created by Mynx and you should also check out her blog as well. The award is “for bloggers whose posts are always dragging you back for more. Someone who makes you smile when you see that their latest post is on your reading list.” So I guess this makes my blog very addictive. And the award comes with a few rules which means I have to pass the award onto 3 other bloggers that addictive to me and I also have to list 5 guilty pleasures.

So to comply with the rules here are 3 bloggers that I follow that are great:

First is Life By Chocolate which is a nice little gem of a blog by a middle aged young funny as hell Jewish lady. She writes about her wild experiences with dating, chocolate, and life in general. She always leaves me in stitches from laughing so hard at her.

Second is a blog by a guy who writes stuff that is crazy funny. His blog is Not Worth Mentioning and his blogs always tell a great tale and are filled with information you probably have never even thought about knowing that you might just need to know. Go check it out.

And last but not least is Peachy over at Being Peachy. Her blog is hilarious and often filled with great stories of her family and friends and some of her posts from Facebook. She is seriously funny and deserves your attention.


Now for my 5 guilty pleasures that I must tell you about:

1. I enjoy watching the ID Discovery Channel and all of the forensic shows that they have on there. The shows on there are both sad and hilarious to me as how some dumb asses think they can get away with murder and also kill someone over such stupid shit.

2. I am a history nerd. I spend hours watching the History Channel and also reading books about history. Just tonight I took my kids to a used book store and walked out with 5 used books about World War 2 history. If I ever hit the lotto I plan on going back to college and getting a PhD in History so I can either teach or write a book.

3. I enjoy watching the tv show Hoarders. It blows my damn mind how some people live like that. I watched one episode last night that had some woman in a house that was filled with rabbits and rabbit shit everywhere through the house. I make my kids watch it as well so that they see what their house would look like if it was not for me cleaning all the fucking time.

4. I blog and share my fucked up sense of humor with you the reader. It makes me feel decent inside to know that some of you enjoy reading about my messed up life and my even more messed up sense of humor.

5. I watch the tv show Cops whenever I can get a chance to. It cracks me up to see how dumb some people in this country truly are. Like you are really going to out run a bunch of cop cars when there is 10 of them and a police helicopter in the air as well. And don’t even get me started on the dumbass youth of today who think they can out run a cop on foot when their pants are hanging half way down their legs. Fucking morons I tell you.

Well there you have it. There is my sweet award. Remember to check out the blogs that I follow and show them some love. And help spread the word on my blog because when I get to 100 followers, I will post another hot picture of me from back in the day when I was a stripper.

Smart Bums

I am not sure if I am correct in thinking this, but I think we need a smarter, more intelligent class of bums these days. Some of them now do not seem to be very smart in their approach to asking for cash or who they ask in the first place and overall seem to be lacking in the common sense department. Now I am not bashing the homeless, as they all have a reason and a story behind why they are homeless. I am however thinking that they need some help in the successfully completing their quest for cash.

You see it used to be that living in the Houston area you would only get hustled by bums for cash when you ventured downtown for a ball game or a night on the town. But now they have over the years ventured out into the suburbs. There are now quite a few bums in my little tiny suburb of Houston that I see often. There is Mr. Car Wash hustler who lives in between the local Walgreens and the car wash. He is very smart and personable as he often helps people wash their cars and they give him some money. He is quick witted and funny, and I have often let him help wash my car and have given him food and money over the years.

However there are some bums in my area that are not very bright when it comes to asking for cash. Take a recent trip to my local grocery store that I made a couple of days before Christmas. I was coming out of the store on my way to my car (keep in mind I was very sick with the flu so I looked and probably smelled like microwaved dog shit in my holy jeans and t-shirt) when I get to my car I am approached by a bum asking me for some money. Now my car is an old, paid for, beat up, paint fading car that could use some work (much like its owner). I politely told the bum that I didn’t have any cash, which was true as I never carry cash. But that is not the messed up part, the messed up part is that at the same time as I was putting my groceries in my trunk (when I was approached), the lady in the very next parking spot was also putting her groceries in her trunk. She was an older woman maybe in her 50’s who was putting her groceries in her brand spanking new MERCEDES. You see the bum didn’t ask her for money, he asked me for money. Who has more available disposable income, the man putting two kids through private school in a pos car or the woman in the fucking MERCEDES? Common sense tells me the woman in the MERCEDES has more cash than the poor white guy. But the bum didn’t ask her for money because I stuck around to make sure she got in her car safely as we were the only people in the parking lot. This guy needs an education on who to ask money from.

Another example was a couple of days ago me and my brother went to a local burger joint to get some dinner together. We were coming out of the establishment and I got to the car quicker because I saw the bum coming (and I didn’t want to have a confrontation as I am very non-confrontational actually) and I got into the car. My brother however was not a quick as I was. The bum came up to my brother (while holding a working Blackberry cell phone) and asked him for a smoke. My brother said, “I don’t have any smokes” to which the bum replied, “You have a fucking smoke in your mouth.” My brother now pissed off tried to get in the car as the bum was getting closer and told my brother, “dude do you have some cash?” My brother just got into the car and we tried to drive off but the bum got in the way of me driving forward. So I just backed up and went around him while thinking he needs some work on his game. If you are going to ask for money and some smokes, you might want to put away your fucking Blackberry because when most people see that they are going to think if you have money for a fucking cell phone, you should have money for smokes and whatever it is that you need. Not only that but common sense says don’t get in the way of someone trying to drive away from you common-sense-lacking-ass might cause someone to panic and run you over.

So from my two examples you can clearly see that some bums need a little help with the hustling game. And therefore I have decided that I am going to pro-bono open up “Trash’s Hustling For Dollars School” here in my suburb so that they can be more successful in their endeavors to get cash for beer, crack, and cell phone bills food. Does anyone want to help sponsor my teaching position?

The 10 Percent Theory

I am sure that all of you have heard of Murphy’s Law. You know the law that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well I don’t necessarily believe in Murphy’s Law (who the fuck is Murphy and what is his/her law) per se because my life does not have bad things that constantly happen. Ok that’s a lie; bad shit does happen to me just like it does to everyone else, but not that often. I have a different theory on things that I believe in which explains why weird stuff happens to me.

See I have a theory that 90% of the messed up stuff in life happens to 10% of the people. And I just happen to fall in that 10% portion of the people. Now I am not talking about bad stuff per se, but just messed up stuff. Like this type of goofy shit that could and does happen ONLY to me.

Some examples of this would be that if I were to go into Wendy’s for say a bowl of chili, there would be a cut off finger in my chili. I know that never happens, but if it did it would happen to me. Or say I could to KFC for some deep fried goodness, with the 10% theory in effect I would get there and they would have run out of chicken (the only thing on your menu is friend chicken, how the fuck do you run out). Another example would be that if I were to go to a strip club, the only strippers there that night would be one armed midgets. Those are some theoretical examples of how my life goes.

If you have been reading and following my blog, then you know of how weird shit always seems to happen to me. My story on my fear of needles is a great example. So is my story of my experience with my vasectomy. My Thanksgiving story is another fine example of how weird and crazy shit happens to me. You can find the tag for 10 Percent Theory to see old and future posts under this category.

As you know my kids were out of town for two weeks during their Christmas break from school. And you also know that I was sick during the Christmas holidays. No I was not sick for just a couple of days, but the entire time that my kids were gone. Every. Single. Day. I was sick. I could have gone and done anything I wanted to do while my kids were gone as I was off from work. And I was so sick that I couldn’t do anything while they were gone other than lay around the house. That alone sums up the 10% theory to a T.

I will have some more future posts of how the 10% theory always seems to come into play in my life. So stay tuned for more of my odd life.

Great Inventions #3 – The Christmas Edition

Well here is another fine installment from my series of “Great Inventions” that have come about during my lifetime. Now I know this Christmas edition is a couple of weeks late, but I had other great stuff that needed to be posted before I got around to this blog. So enjoy the Christmas Invention edition.


Christmas Lights.

Now I that Christmas lights were not invented during my lifetime, but they sure as fuck were perfected during my lifetime. You see back when I was a kid prior to hanging any lights on the house or the tree, you had to plug the strands in to make sure they worked. And back then when one bulb was burnt out or broken, the entire strand of lights would not work. Do you know how big of a fucking pain in the ass that used to be checking EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BULB? It was a huge pain in the ass as it took longer to do the checking of every bulb on the strands than the time it took to actually hang the damn things. So sometime in between my childhood and adulthood they have invented strands of Christmas lights that will still light up when one or more the bulbs is burnt out. This invention has saved more migraine headaches than Tylenol has.


Artificial Trees.

I am not trying to start a great debate here about whether real vs fake tree is better. I am just saying that for some people the invention of the artificial tree is very helpful. I can remember when I was a kid that the artificial trees were very expensive and my dad opted to buy one of the do it yourself home kits which was a tad bit cheaper than the ones which were already completed. I remember helping my dad drill the damn holes in the 10 foot long tree shaft and putting it together. I actually have an artificial tree and think they are a good idea as you can pay for one and not have to buy another for a long time. Also if you are lazy like me you don’t have to worry about forgetting to water the real tree. And at the same time you can say you are helping to save Mother Nature.


Extension cords.

Now I am not talking about your every day ordinary extension cords as those have been around way before I was born. I am talking about the recently invented ones which have a nice little button on it where you can click it on and off with your feet. Now if you are like me your remember being younger and having a huge fucking tree with a ton of lights on it and also a ton of shit around it (I always had a model train set going around my tree) which made it difficult to unplug and plug in the tree lights. And with this nice little invention, you can save your time and your back to turn on and off your tree. I am reminded of this nice little gadget as my extension cord like this has broken and I have not replaced it and I almost fell into the tree trying to plug the fucker in.


Gift Cards.

Gifts are by far one of the best Christmas inventions of all time. If you read my great post about Boxing Day than you know how hard it can be to shop for someone. I think it is great that you can save time and just go get someone a gift card to their favorite store and let them pick out what they want. Can’t find a gift for your mole faced Auntie? Give her a nice little gift card to her favorite plastic surgeon. Now I know some of you are saying these gift cards make you a thoughtless (hey at least you are getting a fucking gift card) but if you are as busy as I am then you understand that you don’t have much time to shop for people. And by giving them the gift cards you make them spend their time to shop for themselves instead of you using your busy time to shop for them.


Christmas Lingerie.

Now this is the greatest Christmas Invention EVER. No words are needed in giving you a description of them, so I am just going to leave you with some pictures which can do a much better job than I can with my babbling bullshit.

Well I hope you have enjoyed another installment of Great Inventions.

Happy New Years

I doubt any of you will not be sober enough to read this, but I just wanted to say Happy New Years to all of my followers. I hope you had a good night filled with lots of alcohol and explosives followed by a day of rest filled with great college football games.

I celebrated New Years Eve with my brother and a couple of friends that we had over. We grilled steaks, shrimp, shish kabobs, and baked potatoes. We drank some expensive imported beers and mixed drinks and had a good time. I may or may not have gotten a little too drunk and said some offensive shit (which always happens when I drink).

Since my kids were at their grandparents still, we did not buy any explosives to set off. You see most years I go Clark Griswald over board and buy a ton shit to blow up (ie fireworks). Normally the kids and I go to a part of town where it is deserted and fireworks are allowed. And we proceed to blow shit up and the night does not end until one of us either burns ourselves or we run out of fireworks. I guess I will have to wait until next New Years Eve to do some fireworks with the kids.

My love affair with explosives started when I was a pot smoking junior high kid. We used to buy hundreds of dollars of fireworks and have a fireworks war. I would take a poster tube (back in the 80’s when you bought a poster it came in a poster tube-shows how old I am) and super glue a bike handle bar grip to it and I had an instant bazooka. So I would take a bottle rocket, light the fuse, and drop it in the tube, and aim it at my favorite friends. Needless to say we used to have a lot of fun injuring ourselves with poster tube bazookas and roman candles. We were doing shit that was crazy like the cast of Jackass did before Jackass came about.

 
I also don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I mean it all starts out innocently enough with hopes of doing something and then before you know it is MLK day and you have already fucked up. So what’s the point in doing them in the first place you know. Oh well.

So enjoy your Saturday, nurse your hang over by drinking more of the dog that bite you last night, eat some food, and watch football. Because that is exactly what I will be doing all day, and then some by watching college football. My favorite team Penn State is playing Florida, so hopefully they will kick their ass and make me happy while I am hung-over on the couch in my boxers (I seem to do that a lot lately).

So Happy New Years all of you readers of Oilfield Trash.