Yes There Is Change Coming

And no I am not speaking about the kind of change that people voted for in 2008. I am talking about some personal changes that are going on in my life.

I have normally been a happy person throughout most of my life. When I got married I kind of lost/forgot the person I was prior to getting married. After leaving my ex-wife I was on track to getting back to myself. Then a relationship gave me another setback. After that one ended, I got back to myself again. I had not been as happy with myself at that moment since I was a teenager.

Then I made some really tough decisions/actions/etc two years ago that changed my life for the worse. And it was during the last two years that I started to lose the person that was Oilfield Trash. Well except for here where I write, this was the only place I was still sort of myself. If you noticed, I never lost my sense of humor.

And as you know the last six months at work consumed my life. It became a living hell for me. I became a huge asshole because I was always working, always tired, always stressed, sick daily, mentally exhausted, I couldn’t give any time to anyone who asked. Basically I shut out everyone from my life and I knew it. All I wanted to do was SLEEP.

I basically lost the core person I was and had become someone else that I did not know.

Now I knew back in May and June that I was rock bottom in a hell hole. And I knew that as soon as my work situation got better in October/November that I had to make a lot of changes.

So in October I started working on these changes. In no particular order I am going to do, doing, or have done the follow:

1. I quit drinking Mountain Dew. Yes I said it. I was addicted to Mountain Dew more than sex and I gave it up cold turkey. Yes I had a lot of headaches for a while but it was worth it. Not only am I saving money by not drinking it, but I am also not getting tons of sugar that just made me fat.

2. I started drinking tons of water in lieu of not drinking Mountain Dew. I have been drinking so much water I have changed my name to H2O. And I can’t remember the last time my urine was any other color than clear.

3. I started walking one to two miles a day. Now this one combined with the no more Mountain Dew since mid October has caused me to lose 25 pounds.

4. As you know I quit smoking two weeks ago. And when you combine the first three things with the no smoking, you can see why I feel fucking GREAT each and every day. I literally feel like a million bucks.

5. I am getting more in touch with my feelings for things. I told you earlier this week about how I learned the tough lesson of saying I love you to someone. This one has made me feel a lot better.

6. I am spending more time with my kids and doing stuff just for them and only them.

7. I am taking time each week and each day to do something just for me. This is a huge one for me since in the last couple of years I have forgot that I need to do that.

8. I am also not letting anyone or anything bother me anymore. People at work, situations, etc are no longer bothering me and not worth the time/effort/stress to ever let stuff bother me.

9. I am also being a nicer person to everyone since I have always been a truly nice person to everyone.

10. I am getting back to being more spiritual.

11. I am trying and learning to control my temper. And this is a huge one for me.

Now a lot of this stuff is really hard to do, and I am struggling with them all the time.

As a result of doing all of this stuff, I have got “ME” back. I feel like I did when I was 21. I feel like I can conquer the world. It truly is a great thing to have “ME” back.

Three. Little. Words.

I know I have perhaps been a little different lately in what I have been picking and choosing to write about. But you will have to just forgive me and get over it as I am getting sappy these days.

What I am writing is not just how I feel, but this is also a life lesson. A learning experience. Maybe even a life saving story. You should take this story into your heart and head and understand it. Pass it on. Spread the word about it.

This story of my experiences lately should help you or someone you may know.

A few weeks ago I told all of you that I was not currently in a relationship with Miley and I also did not explain why. I am not going to get into the details of what happened, but I am going to tell you the main reason why we are not together.

I never told her that I loved her.

Yes that is correct.

I never said to her face “I LOVE YOU”.

Should I have said it to her face? Yes I should have said it to her a long time ago as in years ago.

Did she know I loved her? Yes she knew I loved her. But she still wanted to hear and see me at the same time say “I LOVE YOU”. Women apparently need verbal communication.

Why didn’t I say that I love you to her? Well the short and sweet answer is that I was scared, scared of getting hurt. You see I have a huge wall around my heart (think Castle wall), with a moat, and a draw bridge. And every single time I have ever even remotely opened up the castle gate, I have gotten my heart crushed by a woman who cheated on me or did something just as bad or worse as cheating. Think of it as a proverbial Trojan Horse, where the woman was the horse and she was full of evil soldiers out to kill me off and do me harm. And I let her in every time expecting a different result and getting murdered by the soldiers inside the Trojan Horse.

Sounds kind of dumb huh? Well it may have been, but I put up a wall to keep even the remote chance of getting hurt to a minimum.

All while I was busy putting up a wall to keep Miley out, all Miley wanted to do was love me. She wanted to fix what was wrong with my world. Her Trojan Horse was full of bunny rabbits, rainbows, butterflies, chocolate, beer, and all kinds of other things which happiness is made. At the same time I thought Miley’s Trojan Horse was full of ninja’s trying to suck the life out of my soul and stab me. And as a result of having my wall up, I never told her I loved her.

We had all kinds of other little problems going on, which had I told her one time I loved her, she would have overlooked the problems and she would still be with me today.

I have since told her millions of times that I love her. And she is probably extremely tired of me saying it, but she listens just the same now sometimes.

My lesson to all of you out there is this. If you love someone, TELL THEM. TELL THEM MULTIPLE TIMES.

I don’t care if it is your child, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friend, a boy or girl you are interested in: IF you LOVE THEM, open your damn mouth and TELL THEM.

It does not hurt saying it, especially after you say it the first time. Trust me on this.

This lesson I am teaching you is just as valid for women as it is for men.

I know that lots of people have trouble saying those three little words. However, I am now no longer one of them.This story will have an updated future happy ending post.

Miley, I love you!

Black Friday Should Be Called Stupid Friday

Each and every single year I watch/read the news to see what kind of new low humanity in America has gone to on Black Friday.

It always seems that people lose their damn minds on or around Black Friday in some retail monstrosity type of store.

You always hear stories of someone beating someone up over some toy their kid and only their kid deserves for Christmas. Or someone robbing someone of what they just bought instead of going out and getting a job and doing things the right way.

What makes someone line up at a store for two damn days in the cold to save FOURTY FUCKING DOLLARS? Or what makes someone become brain dead over a $250 dollar laptop? I fail to get it.

But I digress, each year we see some jackass act a fool on Black Friday.

Did you hear about the guy who pepper sprayed people in a store to clear them out away from the $100 Xbox’s? Yes this shit really happened. Some douche bag pepper sprayed people so that he would have a better chance of getting an Xbox that had been reduced by $75.

Here in my town (for the second year in a row mind you) someone got stabbed at the local Walmart in the parking lot. All over a damn front row parking spot.

I am really losing faith in humans, seriously.

How do we go from a day of giving thanks for everything we have, to the very next day beating someone up for some piece-of-crap-plastic-something-or-another-that-is-made-in-fucking-China anyways?

On a brighter note I had to explain to my ever more curious son that Black Friday was not a racist saying and that it was an “accounting term”. He understood but still said jokingly that it was racist because it implies that black people only come out for a sale. His sense of humor is beyond funny for his age.

Wait, what is that you ask? Do I go Black Friday shopping? Umm how is this for an answer, No. Hell No.

No back that up. No is not strong enough of a word. How about this, I would rather be kicked repeatedly in the balls than go anywhere near a store on Black Friday.

Hey Blogger, Can I Ask You A Question?

Dear Blogger,

I know that we have already had a couple of chats now. We talked about how you got drunk one night and didn’t show up to work and we have talked about how you could improve yourself.

I want to now talk to you about awards.

I love getting awards from my followers and posting about them. Most of the awards are given out in such a way that you know why you are getting them and how you were chosen to receive said awards.

I am just curious about how you go about BON’ing people. You know the Blogs Of Note that you post about. How do you go about picking a blog for this distinguished honor? I have looked at a lot of the blogs that you have BON’d and I can’t find a single way that you pick them.

I have noticed that the number of followers can be very low or very high for a blog that you pick. Some of the blogs have a lot of posts and some of them have very little posts. I have seen that some of the blogs you have picked have just started blogging and some have been around for years. I have also noticed that you pick some blogs that are here on blogger and others that are not even related to blogger.

Some of the blogs have been worthy of being BON’d while some of the others have not in my mind been worthy. I mean you BON’d the Netflix blog for fucks sake.

Can you just tell me how you go about picking a blog to be BON’d? Because I can’t for the life of me figure out your selection process. Do you just get drunk and blindly pick them or is there some actual process that you go through?

We are all curious.

Thanks a lot.

Your Pal,

Oilfield Trash

Hey You! Yes You, Check Out This Blog.

I want all of you Trashy readers to go check out a blog that I follow which is very well written and pretty funny.

The blog is “Just The Cheese” written by Powder Toast Man. The blog is a lot like mine in the humor sense and he writes about “randomness at its best and reviews you can’t use”.

Anyway Powdered Toast Man was in college this past semester and did not have much time to blog and lost a lot of his readers, so I am trying to lure you fine people over to his blog.

Right now he has a really good series which just started over at his blog which is battle of the Sesame Street Characters.

So stop by his blog and show him some love as his blog is pretty good and funny as well.

Thanks a lot.

Hey Blogger, We Need To Talk. Again.

Dear Blogger,

I know this is the second time I have had to have a little “chat” with you in the last month, but you keep on having problems.

You see people have been trying to leave comments on my blog, and they haven’t been able to. And people have been trying to respond to my comments on their own blogs and they can’t.

Now I realize you have been on a month long drunken Charlie Sheen like bender celebrating the end of winter, but can you please check yourself into rehab? Or at least get someone to fill for you when you are too fucking drunk to do your job.

While I am offering some support to you in terms of getting your act together, I want to offer you some suggestions. Would it be too much to ask for you to do some simple technological improvements? I thought so.

When people have “comment moderation” set to on so they can approve each comment, would it be too much to ask that you disable the “comment captcha” shit? I mean if they are approving each and every comment to their blog, I shouldn’t have to type in the damn words to get my post to be accepted. It should be one or the other, but not both at the same time.

While we are on the subject of the “comment captcha” shit, would it be ok with you for you to change it up a bit? I mean if I am a frequent visitor and commenter to a blog, could you make it to where I don’t have to type in that damn little word in the box? That would be a pretty easy thing to do if you could sober up long enough.

Can you set up a comment notification thing similar to how it is on Facebook? I mean it is a pain in the ass to “subscribe by email” to each and every single post to see the comments to my comments on other peoples blogs. I have an email address for work I have to check, I have my personal one to check, I also have the one for my blog which I have to check, but I don’t ever check my g-mail. NEVER. I only have it because it was required to set up my account here. I don’t think it would be too hard to set up this item, I mean if that Zuckerberg fucker can set it up for Facebook, I think you could set it up here.

Well I think that is enough for you to work on for now. So sober your ass up and get busy on my list of demands improvements. Don’t start to compete with Comcast as the king of the douche bags.

Your Friend,

Oilfield Trash.

Do It For The Kids Roger Goodell!

In case you were not aware of it, there is a lockout right now in the NLF. This lock out means that none of the players are getting paid right now, and there may or may not be an NFL football season next year.

The NFL Players and the NFL Owners are in a fight over you guessed it, money. The two sides can’t come to an agreement on how rich they will both become in the future. I really could care less if there is or isn’t an NFL season in 2011 as there will still be college and high school football for me to go and see in person and watch on tv.

This lockout and work stoppage will not really hurt the owners or the players much as they are both rich already. I am more worried about the average people that this lockout will hurt. You know the cheerleaders, the score board operators, the beer vendors, and merchandise vendors, the guys working the chain gang, the referees, the ticket takers, and everyone else involved in the game without a million dollar contract. That is who I am worried about as those people have real bills to pay as well.

But as sad as it is that those people I listed above going without paychecks are, the real victims here are the children. Yes I said the children are the victims here. You see a lot of these NFL players have kids and need to pay child support. And with the lock out here, these players don’t get paid so in turn the baby mommas out there aren’t getting paid. And that means the children will starve.

Take the New York Jets defensive back Antonio Cromartie who has nine kids that he needs to pay child support for. Yes I said NINE kids. With eight different women. Yes I said he has NINE kids with EIGHT different women. On a side note, I know my vasectomy surgery story is world famous, but damn dude you are losing half of your money each year. It might have been worth it in hindsight.

I am not sure what state or states his child support is under but in Texas, that would mean no less than 40% of his after tax salary would go to be divided up for child support. So with his 2010 salary of $1.7 million dollars would mean that each kid would get around $45,000 a year tax free.

One of the women he owes child support to was brave enough to speak to the media about it. She is a nurse in California and says without the money she won’t be able to pay for child care. A nurse makes around $30,000 or so and with that and another $45,000 a year tax free you can’t make ends meat? Honey you are making some bad choices with your cash. Hell if men could get knocked up and have a kid to collect $45,000 a year tax free I would so be in that line because I could live the high life with $45,000 tax free.

So Roger Goodell you need to get an agreement in place so the lock out is over and these players can get paid and in turn pay those baby mommas so these kids don’t starve. Remember it is all about the children.

Great Moments In Self Humiliation

Have you ever hidden something around the house and forgot about it? Only to have one of your kids find it? No I am not talking about Christmas or birthday gifts or something innocent like that. I am talking about something a little more personal.

I am sure many women have had their plastic vibrating “massager” end up being found by their kids. I know for a fact quite a few stoners (friends of mine) have had their bongs stumbled upon by their kids.

Do you see where I am going with this?

The other night my son and I were in my room watching the movie “2012” before going to bed. I was lying on my bed and my son was sitting at my desk. Out of now where my son started going through the drawers of my desk. A few minutes later he pulls out a jar of this and asks me what it is.

If you do not know what that bottle is, it is a bottle of “lube”.

Thank god I have quick wits and I was able to quickly answer him within milliseconds.

“That is a special lotion that you rub on sore muscles”.

My son responds back, “Ah ok. Is this what you bought when you pulled your back muscles a couple of months ago?”

I responded back with, “Yes sir, now it is time for bed so off you go.”

I really need to find a better hiding spot for that little bottle. And I also need to put a better lock on my bedroom door so there is a ZERO PERCENT chance he could ever walk in on me. I would really hate to hear my son ask me if I pulled a muscle in my “bendy hose”.

Hey Blogger, We Need To Talk

Dear Blogger,

We have now had a nice nine month relationship together. It has been mostly filled with fun and laughs without much of a problem.

Occasionally you have eaten my comments here and there but for the most part you have been great to me.

Last Thursday during the day you walked out on me cold turkey with no explanation. You just up and quit talking to me, why is that? I know we all need a break from time to time but you just stop talking to me with no warning. You just took off for 24 hours and left a wake of destruction in your path.

Don’t you know what you did? I lost all of the comments on my Osama Bin Laden post which was somewhere in the ballpark of 70 comments. It was one of my best posts this year. I also lost all of the comments on my post about my 250 followers where I had posted a couple of pictures of myself for the ladies. Those ladies were all stroking my umm ego.
 
I also lost the four or five posts that I had set up to automatically post in the future. I had a really great post about self humiliation which I will have to post again on another day. Thank goodness I write all of my posts in MS Word and save them on my hard drive. Otherwise I might have lost those posts forever and be upset.

Now that you are back I can still see the signs of the damage you have done. Other peoples post randomly show up on my list even though I have read them and commented on them.

I am not sure why you went away on your 24 hour bender, but now that you are back can you please behave in the future so my blogging experience can be great? That would be great.

Thanks a lot.

Your friend,

Oilfield Trash

Another Milestone, Another Picture

Well I recently passed the 250 follower milestone and I am doing a happy dance. I am really glad that all of you come back to read my nonsense and my ramblings all the time. I promise to keep writing about the shit that pisses me off, the messed up stuff that always and only seems to happen to me, and other stuff that amuses me.

So thank you to all of you people who always read and comment on my posts, I truly appreciate it. And thank you to all of you who are always pimping me out to others. I am tipping my hat and my beer to all of you right now.

I have noticed a lot of posts lately asking for blogging advice, so I will pass some on. I am still fairly new to blogging but I would like to give you some of what has got me this far. I write about stuff that I find funny and I always try to inject humor into my posts. I know sometimes this is hard to do with some subjects, but it can be done. I write mainly for my enjoyment, and I write about stuff that I find entertaining. So my advice to you the reader is don’t get discouraged. Write about what you want to write about and what makes you happy. Eventually people will come around to your blog as there are people who will like your style, remember birds of a feather flock together. So keep up the work and good luck.

As you may or may not know, for every 50 followers that I get, I will post a picture of myself for your enjoyment. Last time I promised a picture of me in a drunken stupor so here you go. Remember ladies I am not responsible for you puking on your keyboard, monitors, or laptops so do not send me the bill.

The picture above is from a night out I had a while back at a local pub. I had tried rather unsuccessfully to hit on a couple of women (in front of my friends) and got shot down miserably. My friends were all teasing me about it and since I was getting drunker as the night went on, I became a little “ornery” as they say. So my friends stuffed me into the “time out” booth.

And since you all have been so warm and welcoming to my blog, here is a bonus picture of me about to be in a drunken stupor.

Thank you very much for your support of my blog, and when I get to 300 followers I will come up with another entertaining picture of me.

Lunch Lady Blues

I am not sure if you have seen it over the last couple of years or not, but there has been a lot in the news about making school lunches healthier for kids. It is a great idea because Americans in general have become fatter in my lifetime.

Even the first lady Michelle Obama has made this her “cause”, which I do not have a problem with. All first ladies have had a cause which they try to bring to light and help an issue which is important to them. Laura Bush was trying to help literacy among children. So I have no problem with Michelle Obama trying to help get our kids less fat.

It really is a problem what kids eat in school. Have you ever had school food recently? When I was a kid the food I ate at school was not healthy. I would say that the food tasted more like petrified dog shit than it did food. I digress though; kids need to eat healthier so that we don’t end up as a society that looks like the humans on that spaceship in the movie “Wall-E”. So school districts all over America are on board and trying to serve healthier lunches to the kids. Stuff that is now on the menu includes stuff with less carbohydrates, less sugar, less serving sizes, and less fatty stuff on the menu.

Now that we have spent two years trying to get schools to server healthier foods, do you know what school districts are doing? Well as a result of budget cuts and trying to use their time with the kids more on actual education, they have started cutting the time in physical education or cutting them altogether. Really? Yes really school districts are cutting physical education and some are even allowing kids to earn their credit for it over the net. I almost fell out of my desk chair when I saw this reported on Nightline. The whole idea behind physical education was to get kids off of their asses and now you can earn your credit for it by sitting on your ass.

Do you remember the “Presidents Physical Fitness Awards” that they used to give out? I do because I got shit tons of them in school because I actually RAN and EXERCISED at SCHOOL. And I was not a fat kid because my mom actually cooked healthy food at home and I ate good at school. She put me in multiple sports so I could get exercise at home as well as while I was at school.

I am no nutritionist (but I do play one on here) but it does not matter if the schools only serve fruits, vegetables, and Cheerios if you don’t fucking exercise you will get fat. The math on this is very simple.

Healthy food + exercise = a healthy person

Healthy food + no exercise = a unhealthy person

Unhealthy food + exercise = a unhealthy person

Unhealthy food + no exercise = 21st Century American?

 
This concept that the schools are now serving healthy food and at the very same time cutting exercise for the kids is fucking ridiculous. Also one meal at school five days a week does not make you fat either. If they really cared they would encourage the parents to serve healthy shit at home. And also exercise at home.

You see this is what is wrong with America. We can’t get everyone on the same page as a nation working together. The first lady got schools to start serving healthier food at schools, but then the schools cut back on physical education. Did you not get the message about having fat kids Mr School District? It takes exercise and eating the right foods to not have fat kids.

The History Of Thanksgiving

Since Thanksgiving is here in the United States, I would like to take a minute to tell you about the real reason for Thanksgiving. No not the reasons that the media, history, and popular culture like to tell you about, but the true reason why Thanksgiving was started.

Hundreds of years ago people set out to leave the United Kingdom in search of a new place to live. Now the media and historians will tell you that they left the United Kingdom and came to North America to flee religious persecution. They will also tell you that these people also left to fulfill the human spirit to see the world and to explore. Those two reasons are just a politically correct attempt to not offend our distant British cousins.

The real reason that our forefathers left the United Kingdom was due to culinary persecution. Yes I said it; they left because the food in the United Kingdom sucked. The four main dishes that they had there was bread, fish, mutton, and potatoes. Now I know for a fact that there are only so many meals that you can make with those four things, and something tells me that fish au gratin was not a very tasty meal. Regardless of how many ways Bubba Gump says you can make a shrimp dish, you would get sick of the same thing all the time. And that is exactly what happened here.

A group of Pilgrims (ie smart fucking people) saved up all the money and charted a boat to get the fuck out of the United Kingdom set off in search of some new culinary creations. The traveled across the Atlantic Ocean using a primitive form of TomTom and after many weeks came to what is today known as Plymouth, Massachusetts.

When the Pilgrims first arrived they found a new beautiful land full of promise. The Pilgrims then came across the Native Americans and quickly learned how to communicate with them. The Pilgrims indicated to the Native Americans that they were on a grand quest for a new type of food. As the Native Americans were a nice people, they showed the Pilgrims corn, wheat, broccoli, and other fresh vegetables which the Pilgrims had never seen before. Then the Native Americans showed the Pilgrims their prized source of food, and that was the turkey.

The Pilgrims tried some of the turkey that they had been newly introduced to, and were instantly in love with it. It tasted like nothing that they had ever had in the United Kingdom. The Pilgrims were so happy with the new food that they proposed to the Native Americans that they should collectively have a large dinner celebration to commemorate the land that they had come to with the new source of food. They collectively hunted for the turkeys and gathered the vegetables and had a feast.

The feast consisted of smoked turkey, turkey legs, a crude stuffing, turkey bacon, corn, beer (brought over from the United Kingdom), and turkey jerky. The Native Americans and the Pilgrims ate for hours and hours. Then they all took a long nap. The Pilgrims were so thankful that they had found a new type of food to eat that was not mutton or fish. And to thank the Native Americans, the Pilgrims taught them how to build and operate casinos, and also how to make beer.

So on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I urge each and every one of you to be mindful of the real reason why we celebrate this holiday. And that is the flight from culinary persecution that our fore fathers took almost 400 years ago. So be thankful that we have the turkey and we are not eating fish-n-chips with mashed peas on this day and every other day.

And yes this is sarcasm in case you could not tell.

TSA For Kids

Warning there is SARCASM ahead and this is not to be taken seriously.

As you have all heard the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) has come out with the new enhanced body scanners (look at your junk machines) and full body pat downs (Gestapo style molestations) in the airports across America.

So to prepare people who are parents with young children, the TSA has come up with some ways that you can introduce your children to the process of being molested searched at the airport.

You can purchase one of these low cost play sets (pictured here) and allow your children to play with them. These play sets will teach children of all ages what to expect when they get to the airport. Follow up your children by talking to them and telling them that they will go through a metal detector (featured in play set) and also a machine that is cool and like an x-ray machine and will take a picture of them. Also tell them that a security officer may have to come and feel on their privates (bendy hose for little boys and too-toos for little girls) to make sure that they don’t have any guns, barbies, knives, plastic army men, heroin, milk in a bottle, hamsters, or other weapons, banned items or toys on them. Also explain to them that the same security agent may have to stick a finger in their asshole (tell them it is just like having their temperature checked) to also check for weapons of ass mass destruction. Hell while you are at it, it might be a good time to explain to your 3 year old the birds and the bees (you can kill 2 birds with 1 stone) at the same time.

If you feel uncomfortable with having that talk directly with your children, you can purchase this fine book at the same time that you purchase the play set. The book covers all aspects of the new security measures that will be encountered by your child at the airport. I mean at the end of the day the government already wants to tell you how to raise your kid anyways, why not go all out and tell your kids how to enjoy their first body cavity search. I would suggest starting to read the book to your child at bedtime at least 2 weeks before your anticipated travel date. And if you child can already read on their own, give the book to your child at least 3 weeks before the travel date so that they have plenty of time for comprehension.

To calm any fears your child might have, just remind your child that you will be there right by their side getting molested patted down and anally probed as well.

I hope you can see the craziness in what the TSA is doing to kids by feeling them up at the airport and are as outraged as I am by it.

Meanwhile in Hell, Michael Jackson is furious that his dream job has been created after his death.

Sex Tips From Dr Sammich

I said from time to time I would dish out some of my worldly advice, so here you go. Here are some sex tips for all you women whether you want them or not and they are good for you whether you are married or single. But then again if you are doing all of these things chances are very good that you are off of the market forever.

If you want your man to give you an orgasm, show him where to lick, bite, nipple, pinch, and slap. Yes us men folk do not need GPS to drive because we are born with it, but not every woman likes the same things as you do. You women have different directions to the same place, so you have to show him. If you like to be licked in a certain spot, show him where to lick. Make a huge sign with neon saying, “Lick HERE!!!” If you like to be fucked hard, tell him that you want to be fucked hard and have your head go through the wall. If you like to ride him slowly, tell him that and then show him how you can ride. If you like to be fingered, put his finger in you and show him where your g-spot is. Remember communication will solve 99% of all sexual things.

When it comes to oral sex, occasionally it would be nice to have a woman give a blowjob to completion. Don’t just suck on it for 30 seconds and then climb on it and ride it off into the sunset, no give a blowjob to completion at least once a week. Hell preferably once a day. Do it in the morning before he goes to work. He will take the trash out, have a good day at work, clean the house, cook dinner, and then fuck your brains out every night if you suck him off daily. Yes world peace can be achieved this way.

If you are having sex with a man for the first time and you are a squirter, please warn him. Nothing is more gross more exciting than giving a woman oral sex till she cums and then she squirts all over you and you wind up looking like that slimy ghost from the movie Ghostbusters. Just warn us, we don’t mind a Noah like flood in bed, but we would like to move our faces out of the line of fire or at least close our eyes.

Do not complain about the taste of the sperm. If you don’t like the taste of it, change his diet to something that will make it taste better. I mean you should be cooking for him anyways, so it is not like this is hard to do. But do not complain about the taste especially when he goes down on you when you are not summers eve fresh. We men folk have to eat that Hamburger Helper shit that you women cook all the time, so take one for the team and just do it swallow it.

Well I think that should be enough for you to ponder for one day. Next time I will tell you women how to enjoy anal sex. Till then, have some good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy cum.