Smart Bums

I am not sure if I am correct in thinking this, but I think we need a smarter, more intelligent class of bums these days. Some of them now do not seem to be very smart in their approach to asking for cash or who they ask in the first place and overall seem to be lacking in the common sense department. Now I am not bashing the homeless, as they all have a reason and a story behind why they are homeless. I am however thinking that they need some help in the successfully completing their quest for cash.

You see it used to be that living in the Houston area you would only get hustled by bums for cash when you ventured downtown for a ball game or a night on the town. But now they have over the years ventured out into the suburbs. There are now quite a few bums in my little tiny suburb of Houston that I see often. There is Mr. Car Wash hustler who lives in between the local Walgreens and the car wash. He is very smart and personable as he often helps people wash their cars and they give him some money. He is quick witted and funny, and I have often let him help wash my car and have given him food and money over the years.

However there are some bums in my area that are not very bright when it comes to asking for cash. Take a recent trip to my local grocery store that I made a couple of days before Christmas. I was coming out of the store on my way to my car (keep in mind I was very sick with the flu so I looked and probably smelled like microwaved dog shit in my holy jeans and t-shirt) when I get to my car I am approached by a bum asking me for some money. Now my car is an old, paid for, beat up, paint fading car that could use some work (much like its owner). I politely told the bum that I didn’t have any cash, which was true as I never carry cash. But that is not the messed up part, the messed up part is that at the same time as I was putting my groceries in my trunk (when I was approached), the lady in the very next parking spot was also putting her groceries in her trunk. She was an older woman maybe in her 50’s who was putting her groceries in her brand spanking new MERCEDES. You see the bum didn’t ask her for money, he asked me for money. Who has more available disposable income, the man putting two kids through private school in a pos car or the woman in the fucking MERCEDES? Common sense tells me the woman in the MERCEDES has more cash than the poor white guy. But the bum didn’t ask her for money because I stuck around to make sure she got in her car safely as we were the only people in the parking lot. This guy needs an education on who to ask money from.

Another example was a couple of days ago me and my brother went to a local burger joint to get some dinner together. We were coming out of the establishment and I got to the car quicker because I saw the bum coming (and I didn’t want to have a confrontation as I am very non-confrontational actually) and I got into the car. My brother however was not a quick as I was. The bum came up to my brother (while holding a working Blackberry cell phone) and asked him for a smoke. My brother said, “I don’t have any smokes” to which the bum replied, “You have a fucking smoke in your mouth.” My brother now pissed off tried to get in the car as the bum was getting closer and told my brother, “dude do you have some cash?” My brother just got into the car and we tried to drive off but the bum got in the way of me driving forward. So I just backed up and went around him while thinking he needs some work on his game. If you are going to ask for money and some smokes, you might want to put away your fucking Blackberry because when most people see that they are going to think if you have money for a fucking cell phone, you should have money for smokes and whatever it is that you need. Not only that but common sense says don’t get in the way of someone trying to drive away from you common-sense-lacking-ass might cause someone to panic and run you over.

So from my two examples you can clearly see that some bums need a little help with the hustling game. And therefore I have decided that I am going to pro-bono open up “Trash’s Hustling For Dollars School” here in my suburb so that they can be more successful in their endeavors to get cash for beer, crack, and cell phone bills food. Does anyone want to help sponsor my teaching position?