A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I Am Alive. Kinda.

Ok I know I have been away for a while now. I am sorry I have been gone. I have been extremely busy with life and such. I have had many prompts via email to come back here and write for you. So I am here. If you read this and are interested in reading my non-sense, please leave me a comment to let me know that you have seen this and might be interested in some more of my blurbs. 


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass #7

Well I really didn’t have time this week to write a proper post, so here is another installment from my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass”. I hope enjoy reading the goofy shit that I post on Facebook and then share here with you.

Why does every one say that today is the first cold day of the year? Did they forget about all of the cold ass days in January and February?

I had a nightmare last night that the Detroit Lions and the Buffalo Bills were playing each other in the next Superbowl.

It is bad enough that you can't go to a damn car dealership without being bugged to death by salesmen, now when you to one of their websites you get a damn pop up window with a sales rep wanting to chat with you.

Today I am thankful my diploma is from UofH and not from Penn State, otherwise I might have to burn it.

That damn blue field at Boise State is just annoying and unnatural. It is like seeing a foot of snow on the ground in Jamaica, it just ain't supposed to happen.

Apparently the reason I am not getting laid is because according to that hippy dude in the sky, I am getting screwed enough Monday through Friday during the day.

I never understood that whole saying/cliche "men like women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen". Personally I would rather have her not pregnant, in heels and lingerie in the kitchen.

How come those Sleep Number Bed commercials never tell what the best number is for getting your freak on?

I keep seeing all of these "you know you are from...when" and "do you remember..." and all I can say is that I can remember all of this shit was not on Facebook.

Monday, the go fuck yourself of the work week.

I think someone at Rick Perry's little prayer rally forgot to pray that he wouldn't run for president.

I went to Half-Priced-Books on my way home from work and got some decent books. But it got me thinking; back in Biblical times did they have Half-Priced-Scrolls??

How come you never hear "Press 2 for Yiddish?"

When I told my son this morning of Bin Laden's death, his first question was "when is the Call Of Duty: Kill Bin Laden Edition coming out?"

So we are carving pumpkins and I am in the middle of making Bevo pumpkin and my daughter says, "you know dad Aggies really shouldn't carve pumpkins since they are orange."

All of you should not be shocked that Amy Winehouse died. With as much drugs as she reportedly did, you should be shocked that she lived as long as she did.

Isn't ironic that Michael Jackson died at 2:10 pm, where the big hand touches the little hand?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Why Yes She Was Born On The Bayou

As many of you may know by now, I have come out and told the entire world how I feel about a certain woman named Miley (and no not the 20 year hill billy redneck offspring to a one hit wonder country singer). I plan on writing some more about her over time seeing as how the cat is out of the bag.

This is a story that I wrote on her blog as a guest post from a year ago when she was busy with school. The story is a summation of our first date from back on April 17 2008. I will maybe one day write more about that night at a later date, but I wanted to tell you this specific story about our conversation from that night.

As I found out that she was from “south Louisiana”, I knew the odds were good that I would find comedy gold in her life story (and when I say south Louisiana think about the movie ‘The Waterboy’). I was not in the least disappointed in what transpired. Here is the story unfiltered from her blog:

Hi my name is Mr. Glasses (aka Oilfield Trash) and I am filling in for Miley as she has been away due to being hella busy with school and being ill. So I decided to write a nice little piece for her since she is too busy to write these days.

As much as Miley says she is not bayou (i.e. coonass, Cajun, or insert your other favorite adjective) and that her family came over on a different boat, I am here to tell you that she is indeed bayou.

The first time I met Miley was in a bar. We had decided to meet there as it was halfway between my place and hers and there was also an 80’s band playing there (she likes 80’s music and I am a thoughtful jackass like that). So we met up and got drinks and went out to the back of the bar (there was a smoking section there) to talk.

She told me that she was from Baton Rouge and I asked her if she had a pet alligator growing up, and she reached across the table and thumped me. I was like “hmm women only get mad when you hit a nerve or something. There must be some truth to this.” As it turns out she has a huge moat, well bayou behind her house that does have alligators in it. 

A young Miley with her obvious pet alligator.

Later on I asked her if she rode the short bus, and she thumped me again on the forehead. And then she explained that she had indeed ridden a short bus to school on more than one occasion but it was because there were very few people who needed a lift to school in the area. This in hindsight is complete bullshit as I visited the house where she grew up in and that damn neighborhood is fucking huge. 

Actual picture of young Miley in front of said short bus

Later in the evening she has been drinking and is opening up more (no not her pants you bunch of damn pervs) and she proceeds to tell me about how her mom sucks in picking men to marry. And that her dad and her previous step dad are like 5th or 6th cousins. And that her mom had 2 kids with each man. That means her half brothers are also her cousins so I was like, “Dude you have Brousins.” Brousins as a word has since been trademarked by me.

After some more time goes by she tells me that her grandparents lived in what was the lower 9th ward in New Orleans and that they had at some point (pre Korean War) financed the purchase of a cow through a bank. I can almost see the Chik-fil-a commercial now, “Eat More Bank Financed Chicken.” Who in the hell finances a cow? A coonass finances a cow, that’s who.

After all of those stories I had been told and heard with my own ears (yes she can even talk bayou), I pronounced to her that she was fully fledged bayou and 1 story away from having starring role in the sequel to the movie “The Water Boy”. She disagreed with me and tried to protest but I knew in my heart that she was bayou. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bayou at all, she just refuses to accept it since she is 200 miles removed from the bayou. But trust me when I say she is bayou.

Don’t believe me? Well I went to her hometown to spend the night in the house she grew up in (i.e. her momma’s house) before we were to take a road trip together the next day. I was shocked at what I saw. As it was just days after Christmas I had to check the tree. Yes you guessed it; there was crawfish, shrimp, and alligator ornaments on the tree. One of the stockings near the tree was Cajun themed. Even a couple of the dish towels were Cajun themed. Hell the whole house was Cajun themed.

As much as she denies it here on her blog and in real life, she is as coonass as they come. Don’t believe her for a minute. She may have run away from Baton Rouge, but let me tell you this much, “You can take the girl out of the bayou, but you can’t take the bayou out of the girl.”

Well there is part of the story of the first date that I had with Miley. She is so going to kick my ass when she sees that I have posted this. Someone send out a search party for my body if your comments to this don’t appear within 5-6 hours.

Oh and here is a recent picture of her holding another alligator. 

I would like to add that she wrote a response to this story, but I will maybe save that for another day because it takes away from the funny of this post.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Yes There Is Change Coming

And no I am not speaking about the kind of change that people voted for in 2008. I am talking about some personal changes that are going on in my life.

I have normally been a happy person throughout most of my life. When I got married I kind of lost/forgot the person I was prior to getting married. After leaving my ex-wife I was on track to getting back to myself. Then a relationship gave me another setback. After that one ended, I got back to myself again. I had not been as happy with myself at that moment since I was a teenager.

Then I made some really tough decisions/actions/etc two years ago that changed my life for the worse. And it was during the last two years that I started to lose the person that was Oilfield Trash. Well except for here where I write, this was the only place I was still sort of myself. If you noticed, I never lost my sense of humor.

And as you know the last six months at work consumed my life. It became a living hell for me. I became a huge asshole because I was always working, always tired, always stressed, sick daily, mentally exhausted, I couldn’t give any time to anyone who asked. Basically I shut out everyone from my life and I knew it. All I wanted to do was SLEEP.

I basically lost the core person I was and had become someone else that I did not know.

Now I knew back in May and June that I was rock bottom in a hell hole. And I knew that as soon as my work situation got better in October/November that I had to make a lot of changes.

So in October I started working on these changes. In no particular order I am going to do, doing, or have done the follow:

1. I quit drinking Mountain Dew. Yes I said it. I was addicted to Mountain Dew more than sex and I gave it up cold turkey. Yes I had a lot of headaches for a while but it was worth it. Not only am I saving money by not drinking it, but I am also not getting tons of sugar that just made me fat.

2. I started drinking tons of water in lieu of not drinking Mountain Dew. I have been drinking so much water I have changed my name to H2O. And I can’t remember the last time my urine was any other color than clear.

3. I started walking one to two miles a day. Now this one combined with the no more Mountain Dew since mid October has caused me to lose 25 pounds.

4. As you know I quit smoking two weeks ago. And when you combine the first three things with the no smoking, you can see why I feel fucking GREAT each and every day. I literally feel like a million bucks.

5. I am getting more in touch with my feelings for things. I told you earlier this week about how I learned the tough lesson of saying I love you to someone. This one has made me feel a lot better.

6. I am spending more time with my kids and doing stuff just for them and only them.

7. I am taking time each week and each day to do something just for me. This is a huge one for me since in the last couple of years I have forgot that I need to do that.

8. I am also not letting anyone or anything bother me anymore. People at work, situations, etc are no longer bothering me and not worth the time/effort/stress to ever let stuff bother me.

9. I am also being a nicer person to everyone since I have always been a truly nice person to everyone.

10. I am getting back to being more spiritual.

11. I am trying and learning to control my temper. And this is a huge one for me.

Now a lot of this stuff is really hard to do, and I am struggling with them all the time.

As a result of doing all of this stuff, I have got “ME” back. I feel like I did when I was 21. I feel like I can conquer the world. It truly is a great thing to have “ME” back.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Three. Little. Words.

I know I have perhaps been a little different lately in what I have been picking and choosing to write about. But you will have to just forgive me and get over it as I am getting sappy these days.

What I am writing is not just how I feel, but this is also a life lesson. A learning experience. Maybe even a life saving story. You should take this story into your heart and head and understand it. Pass it on. Spread the word about it.

This story of my experiences lately should help you or someone you may know.

A few weeks ago I told all of you that I was not currently in a relationship with Miley and I also did not explain why. I am not going to get into the details of what happened, but I am going to tell you the main reason why we are not together.

I never told her that I loved her.

Yes that is correct.

I never said to her face “I LOVE YOU”.

Should I have said it to her face? Yes I should have said it to her a long time ago as in years ago.

Did she know I loved her? Yes she knew I loved her. But she still wanted to hear and see me at the same time say “I LOVE YOU”. Women apparently need verbal communication.

Why didn’t I say that I love you to her? Well the short and sweet answer is that I was scared, scared of getting hurt. You see I have a huge wall around my heart (think Castle wall), with a moat, and a draw bridge. And every single time I have ever even remotely opened up the castle gate, I have gotten my heart crushed by a woman who cheated on me or did something just as bad or worse as cheating. Think of it as a proverbial Trojan Horse, where the woman was the horse and she was full of evil soldiers out to kill me off and do me harm. And I let her in every time expecting a different result and getting murdered by the soldiers inside the Trojan Horse.

Sounds kind of dumb huh? Well it may have been, but I put up a wall to keep even the remote chance of getting hurt to a minimum.

All while I was busy putting up a wall to keep Miley out, all Miley wanted to do was love me. She wanted to fix what was wrong with my world. Her Trojan Horse was full of bunny rabbits, rainbows, butterflies, chocolate, beer, and all kinds of other things which happiness is made. At the same time I thought Miley’s Trojan Horse was full of ninja’s trying to suck the life out of my soul and stab me. And as a result of having my wall up, I never told her I loved her.

We had all kinds of other little problems going on, which had I told her one time I loved her, she would have overlooked the problems and she would still be with me today.

I have since told her millions of times that I love her. And she is probably extremely tired of me saying it, but she listens just the same now sometimes.

My lesson to all of you out there is this. If you love someone, TELL THEM. TELL THEM MULTIPLE TIMES.

I don’t care if it is your child, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friend, a boy or girl you are interested in: IF you LOVE THEM, open your damn mouth and TELL THEM.

It does not hurt saying it, especially after you say it the first time. Trust me on this.

This lesson I am teaching you is just as valid for women as it is for men.

I know that lots of people have trouble saying those three little words. However, I am now no longer one of them.This story will have an updated future happy ending post.

Miley, I love you!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Spam. And Not The Kind You Can Eat On A Sammich.

Have you ever noticed that we get a shit load of spam emails these days? This spam seems to come from all kinds of mindless people in hopes of getting us to order some kind of wonder drug, spay/neuter our mother, donate money to a Nigerian prince, or get an online degree in proctology.

I seem to get spam pretty bad now and I am not sure why. This seems to mainly happen on my personal email address (no thanks Yahoo) and not on my work email (thanks IT guys). Maybe the fact that one is free and the other is not so free might have something to do with it.

So I think I should share some of these lovely spam emails with you.

Zoloft Health Alert – a nice little email asking if I had taken Zoloft. Don’t “they” have records of all of the people who took it? And if I did take wouldn’t I feel more happy about it?

Yourscorechecker – this was a nice little email reminding me to check out my credit score today. Now normally this is something I would need to know if all of my credit cards weren’t maxed the fuck out.

X-Ray Technician Training
– now I would normally not be interested in doing this as a career because I would be too afraid of fucking up, but how fun to would it be to take the x-rays of idiots who get stuff stuck up their shitholes that don’t belong there?

United States Postal Service – this was an email telling me that the letters I had sent were undeliverable and that I needed to click on their link to find them. Now it might just be me but I can’t ever remember the post office emailing me the last time they lost my car note.

– these people say that I can go back to school while at work. Now if I was doing online classes while at work, wouldn’t that interfere with being a smartass on Facebook?

Affordablecellphoneplans – this email promised to save me tons of money on a cell phone plan. Thanks guys but I am already saving a ton of money on a cell phone plan seeing as how my work has been paying my cell phone bill for a decade now.

Christian Singles Site – ok this one promises that they can find me a Christian single woman. But I have already prayed for one CERTAIN Christian single woman, didn’t they get that message from upstairs?

Free Sample Men’s Supplement – this guy promised me that if I took his company’s pills I could “rise to the occasion” and “make her cum over and over again”. Thanks guy for trying to help me out but I don’t even need to take my clothes off to make the woman I love come.

Solar Installation Jobs – this woman promised to find me a job installing solar panels. Was this part of the president’s “green jobs” plan? How many people can afford these things because I don’t know anyone in the ghetto that I live in that can afford solar power?

Rental Property Search – this company promises to help me “narrow down” my apartment search. Now out of all of the spam I have gotten, this one is one that I actually need.

Latinos Online Dating – this guy promised to find me some “hot latin men”. Well shit is this what I am doing wrong and why I am single? I don’t think so Pedro, I am not gay and I am not interested in “latin men”. Now if you want to send me some “hot latin women” maybe we can work out something.

Classmates.com – they wanted to remind me that I have 56 people from the class of 93’ that are searching for me. They also wanted to remind me that they are still running $5.99 a month specials for access to their site. Now I could be mistaken but I think those 56 people who are searching for me found me on that free website out there called FACEBOOK.

Myspace.com – they emailed me to say that I had a message from someone. Ok I hadn’t been on there in years so I went to the site and logged in. I didn’t have an email but I was able to stalk err I mean visit some people who had deleted me from facebook. I was also able to see some really old pictures of Miley (she hadn’t deleted me there-yay) that I had not seen in years. Some of those pictures were HAUGHT.

Social Work Training
– now this company guarantees I could get accepted into a school for social work. Little do they know that so many social workers have been to my home, that they already gave me an honorary license in Texas.

Your Dream Job – I think this one goes without saying, but they say they can get me my dream job. Can I get paid to lay in bed and let a woman (ie Miley) run her fingers through my hair all day for 8 hours a day? Or getting paid for getting a bj? Catch my drift, those types of jobs don’t exist.

Bathroom Remodel – I am lost by this one that offered to “pimp my throne room” as I live in a rental unit duplex in the hood. And I am not paying for shit to be done to this forsaken place that not even the land lord gives a rats ass about.

Well I guess that is enough of a sample of some of the fucktarded spam emails that I get.

I have noticed that sites like Facebook make the ads that you see match stuff that you post about. If the net and websites like Facebook, hopefully the spammers out there will catch up as well.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Black Friday Should Be Called Stupid Friday

Each and every single year I watch/read the news to see what kind of new low humanity in America has gone to on Black Friday.

It always seems that people lose their damn minds on or around Black Friday in some retail monstrosity type of store.

You always hear stories of someone beating someone up over some toy their kid and only their kid deserves for Christmas. Or someone robbing someone of what they just bought instead of going out and getting a job and doing things the right way.

What makes someone line up at a store for two damn days in the cold to save FOURTY FUCKING DOLLARS? Or what makes someone become brain dead over a $250 dollar laptop? I fail to get it.

But I digress, each year we see some jackass act a fool on Black Friday.

Did you hear about the guy who pepper sprayed people in a store to clear them out away from the $100 Xbox’s? Yes this shit really happened. Some douche bag pepper sprayed people so that he would have a better chance of getting an Xbox that had been reduced by $75.

Here in my town (for the second year in a row mind you) someone got stabbed at the local Walmart in the parking lot. All over a damn front row parking spot.

I am really losing faith in humans, seriously.

How do we go from a day of giving thanks for everything we have, to the very next day beating someone up for some piece-of-crap-plastic-something-or-another-that-is-made-in-fucking-China anyways?

On a brighter note I had to explain to my ever more curious son that Black Friday was not a racist saying and that it was an “accounting term”. He understood but still said jokingly that it was racist because it implies that black people only come out for a sale. His sense of humor is beyond funny for his age.

Wait, what is that you ask? Do I go Black Friday shopping? Umm how is this for an answer, No. Hell No.

No back that up. No is not strong enough of a word. How about this, I would rather be kicked repeatedly in the balls than go anywhere near a store on Black Friday.