A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Balls, A Follow Up Story

Here is a good follow up story to the tale about my vasectomy. If you are new to my blog you need to go and read it as it is a hilariously horrific story. If you have already read that story, than you can relax as this story is happy and my balls were not hurt in the making of it.

A couple of months after having my vasectomy I got together with a small group of friends at a local pub on a Sunday night for their weekly steak night. It was my first trip outside of the house other than to go to work since my surgery, so I jumped at the chance to get out of the casa.

After dinner was over we were all talking and the subject of my vasectomy came up. I told the horrible story of how the actual day went (again if you have not read the story, go read it). Needless to say after telling the story a few shots of Patron were bought for me in sympathy.

One of my friends was asking me all kinds of questions about my vasectomy as he was considering having one himself. Why anyone would want one after hearing my nightmare of a time with mine is beyond me.

One of the questions he asked me was, “do you still…you know…. shoot your load?”

I replied back, “yes you still shoot your load after having it. What man would get a surgery on purpose if he could no longer blow his load?”

My friend then asked me, “Well if you still shoot your load, than what is different?”

Since I just had a fresh glass of ice tea (without the sugar in it) dropped off at my table, I told my friend, “you see my jizz is a lot like this glass of iced tea. Before my vasectomy, my jizz was like a glass of iced tea with sugar in it. And now my jizz is like this glass right here which does not have any sugar in it.” (Think tastes great less filling for the ladies).


My friend looked at me confused. He then said, “Your jizz was sweet before you had your surgery?”

I replied back very snarky, “dude ask one of the skanks who have gone down on you and swallowed because I don’t taste my own jizz.”

My good friend still had a confused look on his face like he did not understand what I was saying about the iced tea analogy.

So I told him, “Ok here it is in a nutsack. Imagine that before my vasectomy that my jizz was like vitamin D whole milk containing all the stuff milk comes with naturally. And now post vasectomy, my jizz is like skim milk and does not contain all of the stuff that makes a woman fat, I mean pregnant.”


Everyone (well at least the men) laughed. One of the women at the table slapped me across the arm rather hard because she thought my comment about jizz making women fat was sexist.

Eventually after a few minutes my friend got it and understood what it was I was trying to say.

And that right there is how I became to be known amongst a small group of my friends as “skim milk”.

53 comments:

  1. Years ago, when I received MY "Combat V", I knew there would be many funny stories to tell about the procedure. Without going into detail (a blog in and of itself), there are. Starting with how everyone in my office got one (not at the same time, though).
    Skim milk....love it.

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  2. needed that laugh!

    awesome as usual!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  3. LOL Great story. I'm going back to read the other now.

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  4. Brilliant fuckin nickname! Much better than unsweetened tea.

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  5. Just like feminine hygiene commercial... only with dude..... and jizz!!
    LOL!!! Hilarious stuff!!!!!

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  6. @ Al, thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Bruce, thank you sir.

    @ Mash, thank you. You will like the other as well.

    @ Dr, thank you. I find it great as well.

    @ Holly, I never looked it at that way, but this true story does sound like a feminine product commercial.

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  7. Ok, I really want a tall glass of whole milk right now! And a few shots of patron! Btw, sorry for your ordeal, and the fact that you have a thick headed friend! Great post :D

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  8. That's just... yeah. haha
    Best title for a post ever btw.

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  9. @ Blah, go for it. And don't feel sorry for me, it was a hilarious experience. Just think if I wouldn't have gone through it you would have less to laugh at.

    @ TS, thank you very much.

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  10. I'm not sure what is funnier. The story or the title. Both are hilarious! Thanks to your first post on the subject, I will NEVER submit to that procuedure, EVER...

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  11. Thanks for keeping us updated on your balls...now turn your head to the side and cough! LOL

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  12. Hahahahahahah...you just made me snort milk out my nose! Wait...frick...yes it's even skim milk.


    Thanks for the laugh...stupendous as always OT!

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  13. haha skim milk! also, the title to this post may be the best title I've ever seen.

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  14. @ Pat, thank you. But in all seriousness don't let my story of misery deter you. My nightmare is the 1 in 100,000 that happens that way.

    @ Birdshit, I am here to keep you updated with my balls activity. Cough cough.

    @ Primed, so you are a spitter huh? Nice. And thank you.

    @ Chio, thank you. I knew weeks ago when I wrote this true story that the title needed to be good. Glad you and others liked it.

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  15. That's so my line. "tastes great...less filling". hahaha. I have several friends who had a vasectomy and that is what I always tell them. They loved it so much they got t-shirts printed up. pretty damn funny.

    PS...your friend is seriously dense. lol

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  16. that was Hilarious stuff and i'm pretty sure thanks to this story i will random start laughing every time i pass the milk aisle so thank you

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  17. @ Jewels, glad to know you are an expert on the subject. And yes my friend is/was a little slow.

    @ Becca, thank you. That would be a funny story to tell someone whilst at the milk aisle.

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  18. That made me laugh out loud. No milk for me today and I am glad I don't drink ice tea. Hhaha.

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  19. vasectomy is such a horrifying word.

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  20. @ Shopgirl, thank you. Better take you vitamins then if you skip out on the milk.

    @ Arcita, vasectomy is not as horrifying as pregnancy.

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  21. Pretty sure I won't be drinking iced tea OR milk with dinner tonight...

    Oh! And NEVER get on your knees for a guy who's eaten spicy food within the last two days. Just saying...

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  22. I kind of hope Matt has the same experience when he gets his vasectomy. Only because with both babies, I tore from front to effing back having them. And I would assume it's like having your balls tore open for several sustained minutes, but again, I can't be sure. I do know that with Olivia and the epidural the tearing was all I felt and the aftermath of having 47 stitches from your vag to your ass? Is not fun. 13 weeks of recovery. With Jackson, I turned into a freak where pain killers are useless so my epidural was a waste of money. I totally understand why women complain of the "burning" because birthing is like setting yoru vagina on fire. Then that on top of the tearing? Jackson is my last baby. I will never do that again. Matt laughed because he thought it was funny it happened 2 times. And I had small babies. So I hope that fucker gets his balls mutilated. ;)

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  23. my wife wants me to get this done, so I think Im going to impregnate some cheap hooker first, just in case.

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  24. I'm just staggered by your friends' lack of knowledge regarding body mechanics, in this day and age.

    How can anyone not know that stuff?

    Hope you enjoyed the Patron, anyway.

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  25. Gross and hilarious, my favorite kind of story!!

    hed

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  26. @ Venom, it's just milk. And I don't have that problem as well I like poon.

    @ Sara, I feel for you.

    @ Jarhead, that sounds like a good back up plan.

    @ Bluz, I was the same way. I was at a loss for words. And yes I did enjoy my patron.

    @ Hed, thank you, glad ya enjoyed it.

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  27. ironic to read this post after watching an episode of the showtime show Californication when Hank the main character gets a vasectomy.. what a coincidence haha

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  28. I give you a 10 on the hilarious scale today ...and how could a girl pass up a blog post about a dude's balls?

    Your poor daft friend. I can't believe it took him so long to cotton on to the whole jizz light thing.

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  29. Where the fuck did you have your vasectomy? The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

    It's okay if I call you skim milk from now on, right?

    a bitch called mom

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  30. There's a lot of jizz here...but it's funny jizz, so that's o.k.

    http://zpnotesfromunderground.blogspot.com/

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  31. It takes balls to talk about your jizz that way. Skim milk, Mr. O...The nicknames are adding up.
    xoRobyn

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  32. @ Wisdom, that is ironic.

    @ Empress, thank you. Yep he is pretty slow sometimes.

    @ Hyde, that is exactly where I had it. And yes it is ok to call me Skim Milk from now on.

    @ ZP, yes it is all jizzy around here today. lol

    @ Robyn, yes it does take some balls. There are more nicknames coming.

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  33. I can honestly say that I haven't laughed that much for any blog I've ever read.

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  34. @ Lonely, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.

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  35. I recently also found myself in a situation with a group of people that apparently not only grew up under rocks but had never went to high school or interacted with humans. How can people not know such basic things about life. You don't give a blow job 2 days before you go to the dentist. You don't go around the world 2 days before you go to the obgyn, there's no sperm in post vas jizz, jizz taste does change depending on the guys diet, a fat guys little dude looks littler than an super skinny guy even if ti's the same size, and NO you can't catch VD from sitting on a tractor seat? really how the hell did these people make it to an age that allowed them to vote? Let alone pro create.

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  36. Read this post, the vasectomy post and the one about needles and I thought I had it bad when it came to needles.

    I'm sorry that you went through all that but hopefully you don't have to do that again!

    By the way, every time you said needless I kept reading needles.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  37. Oh I get it! Jizz is a natural sweetener. And goes great in coffee, like skim milk. I hear you. Message received. :)

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  38. I found you through Jewel's--so glad I did. I read your vasectomy post...um, yeah, that was a freaking nightmare!!! Those nurses were she-devils, I swear!

    BTW--think your analogies are spot on hilarious.

    Hope you can stop by my blog sometime. :)

    http://thefriskyvirgin.blogspot.com/

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  39. @ Peachy, I am just glad he was asking questions about how to get of the procreating part of the population.

    @ Ditz, there is no way in hell I will be going through that again.

    @ Copyboy, glad you got the message.

    @ Virgin, thanks for coming by. Yes those bitches were devils for sure. And thank you very much. Glad you liked them.

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  40. That's funny... And I WAS here to tell you that I had an award for you, but you got it and actually posted about it yesterday! Bummer. Well, I'm still giving it to you. Man this shit spreads more than herps!

    惄 my cyber house rules

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  41. holy shit, i am so late to this balls party, skimmy!

    now, then.

    "you see my jizz is a lot like this glass of iced tea."

    that is so weird, i have said this exact same thing like TEN TIMES in the last hour alone.

    what an incredible coincidence.

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  42. I'm blushing on your blog again, Slim.

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  43. so you are saying that your jizz tastes like a mixture of unsweetened iced tea and skim milk?

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  44. @ Nikki, ah thank you.

    @ Sharaf, yea.

    @ Kage, no shit huh? That is interesting.

    @ Kelley, I guess that is a good thing??

    @ Toast Man, yes. But it totally depends on what phase the moon is in on that day.

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  45. HA! OT, so glad you let me know about this post. :-) You DO have a way with words!!

    Pearl

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  46. @ Pearl, I figured you would laugh about it. Especially after your post about skim milk putting people to sleep. lol

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  47. LMAO.. How did I miss this post, Skim Milk? I think your friend needs to be called Dim Bulb.

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  48. @ Krissy, I have no idea. And yes my friend should have that name.

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  49. OMG..... that was so difficult to get through and I don't even have balls. Wow. So the question is, would you do it over again if you could go back and make the choice?

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  50. @ Cake Betch, I am not sure. If I knew in advance that I would have *that* much trouble, probably not.

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  51. Well 'effin a, I love sweet tea! And hate skim milk... not you, I don't know you, but the drink, I hate.

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  52. @ Jessica, there is nothing like a nice glass of sweet tea on a hot summer's day.

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