A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I Hate Needles

Yes I hate needles. All of my life I have dreaded getting a shot, or having blood work done. I can’t stand the pain from shots and I often (well very often) pass out. I have tried relaxing and taking breathes when getting shots, but it doesn’t help me at all.

Now I know you are saying, “Mr. Trash you are a vagina” and I would agree with you but I know the truth. I have broken my ankles (cross country track meet and skate boarding) a total of 3 times between the two of them, and the pain from it was not bad. I have blown out my knee (my acl) and had surgery and the pain from it was again not bad. I was passing gall bladder stones (and if you have ever passed them you know it fucking hurts) and had my gall bladder removed and that pain was huge, but pales in comparison to the pain I get from shots. I can’t stand those little needles of pain inflicting metal to be anywhere near me.

I had a lot of health problems as a kid, so I was always in a doctor’s office or hospital getting poke and prodded by some nurse. By the way, the nurses dressed a lot sexier back in the 1970’s than they do today. And they were probably a lot less crazy back then as well, but I digress. I apparently had (well have to be honest) veins which are not easy to locate. So as a child with all of the health problems I had I was constantly being forced to subject myself to the tortures of the needles multiple times before they could get it correct. If there was a problem a child could have, I had it. And the solution was always some damn needle.

Fast forward to my adult life, I have also been tortured with the needle. I always warn the nurses or doctors that I have problems with needles and that I pass out, but most of the time they don’t listen to me. It also seems that every time I do have to get a shot, I end up with the lab tech who just graduated lab tech school.

When I started working in the oil patch, I had to go get 20 something immunizations so I could travel to third world countries. I went to the clinic where I did my piss test so I could get my shots that the WHO insists that you must have. I warned the nurse that I pass out from shots and that I need to lie down to take them. She did not listen to me. She sat me in a chair and gave me a couple of shots; I passed out, and fell out of the chair onto the floor because she could not hold me up. When I woke up minutes later, I was surrounded by the entire clinic staff. The nurse said she had no clue I would pass out and I called her a lying bitch in front of 30 people because I had in fact pre-warned her of my tendency to pass out. Since I still had 18 shots left to get, they put me on a bed so if I passed out, I would not end up on the floor again. I also had pulled down my pants as half of the shots had to go in one of my ass cheeks. I told them that when I pass out, to continue giving me the shots or we will be here all fucking day. I woke up 5 minutes later and they had given me all of my shots while I was out, like I had asked them to do. I was pleased to say the least. And the manager of the clinic had gone to the store next door and got me a gatorade and apologized for the nitwit nurse who did not listen to me.

A few months after this I was going through the process of trying to find out why I had such bad stomach problems (also the subject of a future blog post). I was ordered by the doctor to go to the lab and give blood so they could run some preliminary blood work. I went with my then wife (who was also 8 months preggars and fucking huge because it was twins) to the clinic to give my blood. Well we both warned the lab tech that I was afraid of needles and needed to be on a couch because I would pass out. I knew I would pass out as it was 7pm and I had been up since 5am and had not eaten that day, so my normal problems with needles were magnified by 100. They had a bed/couch thingy in the lab but it had boxes on it so the lab tech put me in this chair thing (pictured to the side). The chair thing had a bar that was supposed to prevent someone from falling out of the chair, but the bar on the chair was broken. We again warned the woman that I was going to pass out, but she pressed on with the collection of my blood. I was supposed to give 5 vials of blood, and I passed out as soon as she got the 5th vial in. I woke up later on the floor to hear a lot of loud yelling and screaming. Apparently I passed out and the nurse couldn’t hold me up and let me fall flat on my face on the floor. And my then wife was being restrained by a cop (the hospital security were cops) as she had slapped the fuck out of the lab tech (when I learned that you don’t fuck with a pregnant woman) and there was at least 20 people in the lab by then. My then wife was screaming at the lab tech because the lab tech was saying she had not been warned about my fear of needles, which she had been warned multiple times. I explained to the cop what happened and he released my then wife, and the hospital administrator apologized once she saw that the bed/couch was being used as storage and she heard my side of the story.

I could go on and on all day about my misadventures with needles, but if I did you would kill yourself like one of the people on the movie Airplane listening to Striker talk about the war. Needless to say I do not like needles. You can accuse me of being a lot of things in life, but one thing you can never accuse me of is being a person who shoots themselves up with drugs.

You might be asking yourself why did you tell me this story Mr Trash, well you need to understand my fear and problems with needles so that a future post in my blog is taken in context and all that more sad and funny.


  1. Ah. I've heard of this. I do not have fear/undue pain where needles are concerned, although I do have a fear of open water.

    Saw Jaws too many times.



  2. That picture at the top of your blog almost made me faint. I also hate needles and pass out everytime I get them. I can't help it. I try to breathe and relax but inevitably I faint. It makes me feel like an ass and if I could help it I would...but I can't.

    As a kid I don't remember having problems with them but somewhere around 12 or 13 I was at a hosptial getting blood drawn and the phone rang. The nurse told me to hold the needle and went to get the phone. I had to hold the fucking needle! Are you kidding me! So when she came back I had passed out, the needle had slipped out and I was bleeding...not okay! Who does that!?

    I'm glad I am not alone, because while I know people who don't like needles (who does really), I don't know anyone who also faints.

    I feel a bit lightheaded from reading that blog though...even the mention of the N word makes me a bit iffy. *shivers*

  3. @ Pearl, I can see the open water being a fear. I don't fear the open water, but I do fear those damn sharks that live in the open water. And I have seen Jaws way too many times as well.

  4. Is it odd that with my insane fear of needles I still got my tongue pierced? I've often wondered how I managed that...hmmm.

  5. i have the cure for you, oilfield daddy!


    worked for me ;)

    and i can't wait to read what's coming next.

  6. @ Jewels, I am glad that I am not alone with the problem of needles. And I am glad to know that I am also not alone with having to have dealt with idiots in a hospital setting. Yes it is weird that you have your tongue pierced but are afraid of needles.

    @ Kage, are you kidding? Getting a tattoo would probably kill me. And the whats coming next will be both funny and sad at the same time.

  7. My wife is a nurse. She sticks needles in people all the time. She tells me that its sometimes very hard to find a vein. She'll sometime stick people 3 or 4 times. It must get pretty sore after the second or third time.

  8. @ Mister, I don't hate doctors but I can see how others would.

    @ Bothered, yes it gets very sore after the first time.

  9. I can and have given shots to others.. no problem. Tell me I need a shot and I start screaming and running around the room bumping into the walls out of fear. I hate them. When I had my flu shot recently I had to have my DH come into the room with me and hold my hand... then I made him take my to Dairy Queen after. Hate them.. unless Im sick with the dreaded stomach big. Then Im dropping my drawers in the waiting room b/c I want that shot that much. One thing I hate worse than shots... puking.

  10. I would think it's OK to pass out if you fear needles. Just be sure you're lying down and once you've passed out, they can put the needle in without you feeling or knowing it. A very painless way to get a shot.

    i've been following your writing and your humor. It's good.
    Wanna buy a duck

  11. Okay...Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

    Honestly I'm just picturing you passing out..I like how you call it that vs fainting, when in actual fact you fainted. LOL..but regardless, I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall while you yelled at the nurse AND the lab tech both times they didn't listen to you. AND...admit it. You slightly exaggerated the fact that security had to hold back your pregnant wife? SERIOUSLY? That is awesome!

    Thank you also for the heads up on the stomach problems. I'll be sure to stay home that day. :)

  12. Just reading this made me nauseous...I have to close my eyes when giving blood.

    @ Jewels...I've also had a nurse tell me I had to hold the needle for her. I was 12 and she was new and jabbed the needle in so hard it ruptured the vein. No idea what that means but all I know is the needle wouldn't come out so she had to go get someone else...entire arm black & blue for weeks

    Needles suck donkey balls

  13. @ Holly, thanks for understand. And I agree that Dairy Queen should be required to be given to the victims of the god awful needle.

    @ Manzanita, I agree. I always ask them to give me more shots while I am out. And thank you for the compliment and stopping by.

    @ Cinderita, it is ok. I don't mind being picked on about it. And no I was exaggerating the part about my ex. They were wanting to take her to jail, but some how me and the hospital admin talked to the cop and after hearing our side of the story he backed down.

  14. @ Primed, I could not agree more. Although I would rather have some donkey balls than to have to get anymore shots.

  15. you are totally not a vagina, you have good reason to have a hatred of needles. I hate needles but it's only because I HAVE a vagina...you know cause I'm a chick and chicks are chicken shits LOL

  16. @ Bird Shit, thank you. So if you are a woman and have a vagina and are afraid of needles, would a penis be considered a needle? If so then that explains lesbians. lol

  17. Primed-That is just not okay! Who does that? Who tells a kid to hold a needle while it's in their hand. Is it any wonder I fainted? I think not.

    Oilfield-I think it had a lot to do with my oral fixation and the fact that my friend had fish bowled me in the car and gotten me seriously stoned (I don't smoke and that shit knocks me on my ass when I'm around people who smoke it) prior to going to the tattoo/piercing place.

  18. I love that your (ex) wife got so worked up that she slapped the lab tech. It was deserved. What a story. xo

  19. @ Jewels, I do love a woman with a good oral fixation. And being stoned, yes that would help with the needles.

    @ Robyn, It was not funny at the time, but in hindsight it is hilarious. You don't fuck with a woman who is 8 months pregnant.

  20. I'm a rockstar when it comes to needles. They don't bother me one bit. I actually have to give myself shots for my migraines. But that's a spring loaded jobber. The sound of it is worse than the injection. Now that I think of it, there IS a needle that makes me cry like a little school girl with skinned knees...any needle that is in the hands of a dentist. Those fuckers...

  21. I totally know what you mean, I'm terrified of needles. It's not the pain that bothers me, I can handle that pain. What terrifies is the idea of sticking a needle in me. I cannot handle the thought of inflicting pain on myself, it makes me sick to my stomach and getting a needle me, going willingly to a clinic or a hospital means I'm doing that to myself.
    It's psychological, I know, but I still can't get over it.

    Good luck with all future shots and looking forward to the coming post

  22. @ Heather, don't even get me started on those dentist bastards.

    @ Uninspired, you have have hit the nail on the head for sure. That is exactly what it is. I have to close my eyes like a little kid.

  23. laughing my ass off, as a phlebotomist, I can't imagine having a huge doubly pregnant woman slap me because her vagina of a husband passed out! OMG that was so damn funny!

  24. i used to hate needles, and they still make me uncomfortable, but now i go just go to my happy spot in my head, otherwise, i may just pass out...

    and i stopped seeing doctors...fucking quacks...oh yeah and i don't have health ins. any more...so i just drink to dull the pain of being old and broken....

    OFT- needles suck and there is nothing vaginaish bout that...

    great read dude...looking forward to the future posts...

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    The guy book
    the guy book

  25. Like you I am terrified of needles, so much so that I had to scroll past that nasty picture you have up with all the needles. While I don't pass out I do end up having huge anxiety attacks. I totally feel your pain here. ...Oh, and huge props to the preggers woman when she decked the lab tech!


  26. @ SSW, I am glad you got a great chuckle out of this.

    @ Bruce, I am not sure whether needles or fucking needles suck more. But they do suck.

    @ Empress, I am glad you agree with me.

    @ Everyone, I wish you could have seen my ex go bat shit crazy, as in hindsight, it is hilarious.

  27. Wow! I thought I was scared of needles. I stand corrected. Bigtime!!!

  28. @ Copyboy, I am terrified of them damn needles.

  29. Wow. You really do have some major issue with needles. It's like you are a 4 year old. But it's all good. We all have our irrational fears. I am deafly afraid of llamas.

  30. @ Cheese, I have had very few experiences with needles that were good. And Llamas? My aunt in Pittsburgh raises Llamas and shaves them down and turns their hair into yarn. She makes a boatload of $$$ doing it. Who would have thought Llamas could bring in the dough.

  31. those dentist needles are horrible! and I am not afraid of needles. I donated plasma 2X's a week for a year you sit for about 50 min. with a needle in your arm while blood goes out spins the plasma out then puts the blood cells back in. And cheers for your ex-wife for slapping that bitch! I hate that they lie and say you didn't warn them. That really chaps my hide!

    I just started reading your blog a bit ago, with the kids you don't still have to travel all the time for your work do you? I hope not so much anymore.

  32. @ Marsha, I always seem to run into the lying nurses/lab techs.

    And no I don't get to travel for work much anymore, except for the vacations I take with my kids.

  33. It could've been worse…

    Your face could have exploded.

  34. And I thought I was bad about seeing my own blood. I have to look away when needles are used because if I see my blood, I go white as a sheet and have to throw my head between my legs. I am lucky enough to have wonderful veins like you, too.

  35. @ Krissy, I know exactly how you feel.


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