A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My Vasectomy

Here is a little story about my big balls. Yes I am going to tell you about my experience of when I had my vasectomy operation. I know all of you are thrilled to hear about my balls, but there is some serious humor/tragedy involved here so I hope you enjoy it. When I wrote my post about how I am horribly afraid of needles, I had this post in mind but I had to tell you about the needle story first so you could see this story in the right perspective.

Back when my ex wife got pregnant, it was decided that one of us had to get snipped as she never wanted kids to begin with. Well we ended up having twins and since she had to have a c-section, we decided that it would be best if she would get snipped since they already had to open her up anyways. Little did I know that the rest of my marriage would be sexless so it really didn’t matter that she got fixed. Fast forward to 2006 when me and my ex split up, we had talked about neither of us ever having kids again as we didn’t want our kids to have to put up with half brothers/sisters. So early in 2007 after much consideration, I decided that I would go ahead and get a vasectomy as I had read that they were pretty easy procedures with a limited amount of pain (boy was I wrong on this). I went and saw a specialist and got all of my concerns and questions answered and scheduled the surgery for a Thursday morning in May.

Well the day came and my ex drove me to the hospital (you couldn’t drive yourself there and home) to have my surgery done. She dropped me off early in the morning on her way to work. By the way that is a little fucked up mentally if you think about it, having your ex-wife drive you to a vasectomy surgery. I checked in and was forced to put the hospital assless gown on. Why wasn’t my gown that day crotch less as I was there for an operation on my front side? After signing the required paperwork and getting changed, I was led back to a preparation room.

It was then that the horrors of my day began. In the prep room, a nurse with two syringes came into my room. I got two shots of Demerol, one in each arm. I did not pass out from the shots, but I sure as fuck did tense up. I was told to rub the injection spot on each arm to help the Demerol take affect quicker. I rubbed each arm for half an hour and it did nothing. I guess when I had tensed up it caused the pain killer to not work because I was not feeling anything from it.

I was then pushed in a wheel chair into the operating room where it was cold as fuck. I think that room on that day was colder than the lowest recorded temperature on the planet. Ever. So the three nurses had me lie down on the operating table and put up a nice little sheet right over my stomach so that I could not see anything below the waist. The three women proceeded to lather me up for shaving my balls. Now I manscape regularly so it was not like there was a lot of hair down there, but the nurses were intent on shaving me for the operation anyways. The nurses proceed to shave me and I was not able to see what was going on at all. It was at that exact moment that they were tugging and pulling on my balls and then cut me. Not one time, but multiple times with cheap razors. I protested just a tad, and the evil nurses decided to use an Epilady shaver on me (anyone remember those from the 1990’s). And they cut me about three more times with the Epilady. I then told the three evil bitches nurses, “Don’t you damn women shave your legs? Don’t you damn women shave you underarms? Don’t you damn women shave your twats? Why the fuck if you don’t cut yourselves when you shave your bodies, are you carving up my balls like a butcher?” Yes I know that those statements were ballsy at the time considering that they were holding my now bleeding balls, but it needed to be said. I also told them that if they kept cutting me, the doctor would not have to make any incisions on my balls as the nurses have already done it for him.

So after the bitches nurses cleaned up my two quarts of blood, they decided to make my day worse. It was now time for them to lather me up in iodine. Now they did not warn me prior to doing this, much like they didn’t warn me before shaving me. If you have never had some iodine on your balls let me tell you that it is fucking cold. Oh and it burned me where the bitches had cut me as well. I told the nurses that since my balls are so cold, that the surgery has to be called off because the doctor won’t be able to see them due to the shrinkage of them.

Shortly after the iodine bath, it was time for the doctor to come in and get started. Well I was lying down on the operating room table and restrained at my knees. I had asked the doctor to warn me before giving me the local shot on my balls as I don’t deal well with needles (as you have previously read on my blog). I had also asked the nurse who was sitting next to me to give me something to hold and squeeze, which she ignored me. The doctor did not warn me and stuck me with a needle in my left ball. I came off of the table about a foot and broke the restraints that were holding me down. The doctor let go of the syringe when I came off of the table and it was left to dangle in the wind with the Lidocane going in and out of my left ball. Lidocane burns like a mother fucker by the way in case you didn’t know. So I got back down on the table and let the doctor finish the injection of the local. He waited about 30 minutes and got started with the snipping. As I had the local, I really did not feel much. I could feel some tugging and pulling but there wasn’t any pain.

The doctor then warned me that he was about to do the local on the right ball. I had also been given a brand new roll of surgical tape to squeeze in my hand. The doctor put the needle in my ball and I crushed the roll of tape (3 inches in diameter) down to the size of a quarter. The nurse was like, “wow you really don’t like shots do you?” No shit lady. The doctor then waited about two minutes after giving me the local before he got started. With the left ball I felt nothing, well since he didn’t wait for the local to kick on the right one, I felt every second of the pain. He cut, tugged, pulled, and inflicted pain on me that no man has ever seen.

When the doctor had finished with the right ball, I thought I would be able to sleep a little bit. Nope, I was wrong. I was asked to put on the required jock strap that I had brought with me. They had wrapped my balls in gauze and I had to lift my ass up so that the nurses could slide me jock strap on. I then thought I would be able to get me some sleep. Nope, wrong again. Mr. Trash you have to sit up and walk to the recovery room. Are you fucking kidding me, I have to fucking walk after you just put me through hell? Yep I had to walk out of the operating room where I was greeted by a glass of grape juice. Is Welch’s the national drink of nut cutting ceremonies? The same bitches nurses had me walk to the lobby where they put me in a normal chair to wait on my ex-wife to come pick me up.

The ex picked me up and took me to Krogers so I could fill my prescription and get some frozen peas to place on my balls. Thankfully the doctor had taken pity on me and given me 50 of the largest size of Vicodin you can legally get. Which when I got home knocked me the fuck out. I woke up hours later with a bag of unfrozen peas on my balls which had caused me to be drenched in water from them thawing out. I tried to get up and walk to the bathroom to piss, but I fell on the floor next to my bed. Apparently when I had passed out, I did not have any swelling in my balls but I sure as fuck did when I woke up and couldn’t walk. I managed to get myself to the bathroom and sat on the throne and got my shorts down. I had forgotten that I had a jock strap on and struggled to pull it down. The poor gauze was still sticking to me, and I pulled it off while screaming in wretched pain. I was covered in blood and my balls were each the size of a softball. Now I know that is a visual thing for you the reader, so I will say it again. My balls were each the size of a softball in my jock strap.

I took some more meds and placed the frozen peas on my balls and rotated them on and off as they unfroze. I had a four day weekend and was hoping I could go back to work on Monday with no problems. I spent the whole weekend in bed watching re-runs of Family Guy and various other tv shows while munching on Vicodin religiously. I felt like an old ass man who lived in a nursing home as my brother had to wait on me hand and foot and bring me food and drinks.

Well I was told the swelling would go down in a couple of days. Yea right, with my luck? No I had trouble walking for two weeks as my balls were swollen for what seemed like forever. Did I mention to you that my balls were the size of softballs? I had even called the doctor and he just told me to take it easy as the swelling would eventually go down. Which two weeks later the swelling did go down, but it was painful to walk for a month. Never mind how painful it was when it came time to “drain the old pipes” as they put it. I mean if every time you masturbated for a month that it felt like someone was stabbing you when you cum, would you keep doing it to yourself? I didn’t think so.

Two months after I had been put through a medical malpractice experience, I had to go in for my check up to see if the catastrophe surgery had worked. Much to my surprise the surgery was a success in terms of not having any swimmers post cutting. I guess in hindsight it was worth it because if I ever settle down again with a female, I won’t have to rely on the pull out method ever again.

Now I know this story was pretty long, but you can’t shorten a nightmare comedic story like this. What an experience I had with my vasectomy. I was told at my follow up visit, that less than a 1 in a 1000 men have problems with their vasectomy. Well I guess I was the 1 in a 1000 because my experience was the stuff a horror movie is made of.


  1. I have a couple of good friends who have gone through the snipping. It's not easy listening to their stories, but it's downright painful reading your story.

    Makes me want to sit on the peas even without going under the knife.


  2. hahaha!

    this is how i started my morning today:

    "Here is a little story about my big balls."

    awesome ;)

  3. @ Simpledude, I had never heard a bad story about a vasectomy until had mine done and then my story is still the only bad one I have ever heard.

    @ Kage, I am glad I could fill your morning cup with a story of my balls.

  4. I can't help but think this was a ploy by the ex just to get you to not have kids with anyone else. Was this her idea?

    By the way, I've known several guys who have had it done and they didn't have any trouble. You are so lucky to beat the odds that way. :)

  5. @ Krissy, no it was not a ploy by my ex. When we had our twins we both said we did not want to have more kids. And when we split up, we both agreed that we would not have kids as we didn't want our kids to deal with half brothers/sisters. And we both agreed on it. She is fixed and so I am so I don't think it was a ploy.

    And lucky? I wouldn't wish what I went through on someone I hate.

  6. I don'thave balls, but my invisible ones are aching right now!!!

  7. @ Birdshit, I am glad you can "feel" my pain.

  8. I am pretty sure every man who reads this will never have one. At my husbands work he had a newly divorced guy co-worker go out with a vasectomy at lunch on Monday afternoon, he was at work Tuesday and played rugby on Friday. I was like wow. So when my husbands 38 year old other male coworker took off work for a circumcision. ( at 38) I was like dudes, junk must just heal faster, because he was back at work in a week, 2 months later he told me he would cringe if he saw a hot chick because the junk auto reacted like he was 14 and it hurt like a mofo, I was like, sorry I wont come up to work for a few weeks. Geesh. Way to tell me you want me.
    Sorry your balls hurt so bad for so long. And yes, it is EXTREMELY freaking weird you had your ex take you and pick you up from your vasectomy after you were divorced. Unless she like turned ubber hot lesbo and you guys became like guy buds. But hey it's your boat float it how you want. But go easy on the swollen nuts. LOL

  9. I am squirming and renching for you. That's beyond horrible. It sounds like they gathered up some kids from a local school to perform the procedure. Sorry. I hope your balls have long since recovered and resumed their original size.

  10. @ Peachy, again my pain and suffering was the exception and not the rule. My doctor said I would be playing basketball in less than a weeks time. And while it was a little weird that day that my ex took me there and back, I had no one else to be my shuttle. So it is what it is. My balls are fine now though.

    @ Robyn, yes it did seem like that. But the good news is now my balls are healed and back to their "normal" large size. lol

  11. This story is way better in person.
    Vasectomies are hot, though, because you don't have to do that pull & pray shit or worry about accidental babies or accidental child support or some crazy bitch being in your life (in addition to the crazy bitch you already divorced).
    I think I'm going to have to put that on my list. "Must have vasectomy"

  12. The whole time I was reading this I kept shifting between laughing my ass off and going "awwww" in pity at the ordeal you had. Shit!

    hed www.hedabovewater.com

  13. @ Miley, most if not all of my stories are way better in person. Especially if I have been drinking.

  14. @ Hed, that is exactly how the story is supposed to make you feel. You would laugh your ass off even more if you heard me tell the story in person.

  15. "feel" your pain? are you asking me to touch your balls? I thought you'd never ask! LOL

  16. @ Birdshit, I used the word "feel" because you said you had "invisible" balls. lol

  17. OMG dude, I cringed the whole time I read that. You should of seen me read it. I felt it in my balls as I read it. I feel your pain in a way cuz I'm a guy. Now if I ever want a vasectomy this story is going to haunt me. OUCH!!!

  18. What a nightmare. I hurt for you just reading your post. And it does seem like a real incident of medical malpractice with the shitty nurses and the doctor working on your non-numb ball. Thank god for that vicodin!


  19. @ Toastman, thanks for the sympathy. I feel that way every time I tell someone the story in person. And I wouldn't fret about getting one as I was the 1 in 1000 men who have problems from it.

    @ Empress, I never thought about it from that angle. Maybe I should have sued their no good care giving asses.

  20. That's a pretty cringe worthy story. Just hope that if you settle down, the woman in question doesn't want children and doesn't ask you to have it reversed.

  21. Ok, you have just let me know that it's not just women who have issues with sterilization procedures. I'm not going to say it made me feel better, in fact, I'm sitting here cringing from the thought of all the pain and I don't even have the equipment needed for it!

  22. Aww, man, I read this post this morning, at the office. By the end, I was curled up under my desk, like a boiled shrimp.

    I've been seriously considering getting one myself for the last year or so. My brother had it done about a year ago, with little problems. This may have set me back a ways... I'm VERY protective and squeamish about The Boys. Just the very idea of having an injection straight into the nards leaves me sweating and clenching my fists.

    If only they'd let you get good and drunk first...

  23. Ouch. I mean...just ouch. After my father's prostate surgery he had swollen nuts...TMI when it's your Dad...and he did NOT have a fun time of it.

    Oh the upside...yay for commited relationship condom free sex! I know it's crass...but I love my men fixed and at the risk of sounding whorish I usually say, "Tastes great; less filling." ;-)

  24. you lost me at vasectomy...

    i fucking hate that word. therefore i will never have one...

    but every guy that tells me of their vasfuctomy is bad...yours is a number 1 fuckin the worst...

    sorry man..

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    The guy book
    the guy book

  25. One of your followers suggested that I read this blog post. What I want to know is to whom do I send the hospital bill? To you, or to Powdered Toast Man. Why you ask? In the last couple of minutes my testicles (yes, both of them) have ascended back into my body. They're about lung high now and I hope they feel safe, because if they go any higher, I'm going to look like a chimpmonk.

    I don't know if I've ever read anything that made me laugh out loud put me into a state of pure terror at the same time!

    This is one of the best stories I've read in a long time. I'm hooked and here to stay...
    Patrick Tillett, Extremely Overdue

  26. Jewels.. Nothing worse than your father having prostate cancer surgery and having your mother tell the doctor right in front of all of his daughters that she always told him if he didn't use it he was going to lose it. What the....??

  27. Krissy-wait...you know my mom!!?? Here my Dad's trying to play it off like this whole cancer thing was caused by over use...my mother set him straight!

  28. OMG Jewels.. Are we sisters??? Wait.. do I know you?

  29. I knew I liked you. haha. Apparently both our fathers had prostate cancer and both our mothers are hillarious! :-)

  30. And, when you do settle down again with that female, 1800REVERSE

  31. @ TS, I will never go through that experience again. So no it wont be happening.

    @ Misfit, no it is not just women that have had problems in that department.

    @ Bluz, don't let my story of horror keep you from doing it. Remember I am the 1 in 1000 that has problems with it.

    @ Jewels, I love your comment about less filling. When are you coming down here? j/k

    @ Bruce, well at least I get to be # 1 in something.

    @ Pat, send your bill to Toastman. And I am sorry you experience shrinkage as a result of my story. And don't worry, I laugh and cringe every time I tell the story. And I am glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Chrissy/Jewels, I am sorry your parents dragged you into TMI land.

    @ Cajun, the reversal will not be happening.

  32. Damn! That sucks!

    I don't know how you managed to get the guys to do it. You got balls :)

  33. oh man, yes you have metaphorically big balls because this is needed to CUT your balls :D

  34. I got all excited and started packing a bag...until I saw your j/k. Ouch. haha. I am glad you like it...feel free to use that phrase to market yourself to the ladies...it's a real winner. ;-)

  35. @ Uninspired, yes it does suck.

    @ Mister, yes I do have me some big balls.

    @ Jewels, you had your bags packed? You weren't talking about your fun bags were you?

  36. Oh I had plenty of fun things in my bag...and my fun bags come with me everywhere...they're kind of attached. We are a package deal.

  37. @ Jewels, you just gave me some inspiration for a new invention. Detachable fun bags. Put them on for boom-boom time and take them off after wards to avoid the back/neck problems.

  38. NOW?? MY imaginary balls hurt. Sweet Chester Cheesus, I remember those EpiLady things too. Tried one once and threw it away after 2 swipes.The SOB that invented that thing was kin to the Marques de Sade. Guarantee it!

  39. @ Holly, I am glad you now know how I felt back then. And my mom had one of those Epilady things. I tried it one my leg once, it hook like hell. I am sorry it was inspired by the Spanish Inquisition.

  40. OUCH! I can only imagine the pain, although I think I have felt it before, getting my tubal hurt worse than having a child! My bro-in -law had a simular experience and has had trouble ever since.....what a nightmare!

  41. @ SSW, yes it was painful. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who has suffered in my quest to not have to use the pull out method.

  42. i love to here about that story every time you tell it brother. it makes me look a green pees in a whole new light.

    white trash

  43. @ WT, I am glad you enjoy the story little brother.

  44. If it makes you feel any better, after multiple injections to both nards, my dad could still feel everything. Every.little.thing. He went through with the surgery, but we endured hell during and afterward.

    Seriously??... Reeeally?..... Seriously?

    I wonder if your ex slipped the doc a $100, just to make things interesting. Or maybe $500. Not sure how the American healthcare system works. lol.

  45. @ Stephanie, well at least I am not the only one who has suffered.

    And if my ex did that, she stole the money from me to pay the doc. Which would mean that in effect I paid for my own misery. Now that would be messed up.

  46. i'm over visiting from average girl's party & had to go read this ball starter story. eek! i have a friend who got a vasectomy & then had sex later that same day. how crazy that you got the 1 in 1000 horror story! thanks for sharing it with all of us though, cuz it's always a good time to share in other's nut cutting stories. and i'll never think of grape juice the same again.

  47. I found you at "the party" and all I can say is. "Thank you". This post was totally worth my time.

  48. Man , you stumble in from average girl's party and run into this! Mine was nowhere near as complicated or traumatic as all that, and the only real noteworthy thing about it was the odd sensation caused by a set of hemos dangling from a numb sack.

  49. @ Sherilin, vasectomy and sex in the same day? There is no way I could have done that. I was too high from the vicodin to do that.

    @ Shelby, thank you for coming by. Glad it was worth your time.

    @ CW, I am glad yours was ok. I wish my would have been "normal".

  50. Oh OT you had me laughing so hard at this post I am crying!

    At your invitation, I am reading through some of your 10% Theory posts. You really do attract some messed up things!!


  51. oh god i had to stop reading half way down...ouch

  52. Damn wtf you want through all that, when my hubby had his done he was put to sleep and kept in hospital over night. His swelling went down after only a few days.......

  53. @ Joy, I am glad you liked it and laughed.

    @ G, yes it was ouch to say the least.

    @ Jo-Anne, I wish I could have been put to sleep. Or taken out back and shot like a horse with a broken leg.

  54. dear oilfield,
    i landed here via bruce's nomination for the brass balls award.
    let me first say thanks for sharing this tender [pun intended] intimate story. i feel for you.
    my lover recently underwent the big snip. but things were a bit different, according to his explaining things to me. as he shared experiences i logged it for him. sounds like the office you went to was a sadist-only employ. what the? i'm sorry you had an awful experience, but happy that one more man isn't helping overpopulate the world. call me selfish.
    i shaved him up all nice and neat at home the night before with my special lady- area trimming tools- they're made for secret places.[fun/hot activity. maybe i am a sadist too...] fuck that archaic torture tool they used on you. again, i'm sorry. my beav hurts thinking about someone taking a 1910 razor to my junk... yowch!
    as far as the actual snippage, he said it was 20 min- 10 each ball, and we drove home after and he "iced" using peas or corn nibblettes for almost a full week, not the 24 hrs they said to.
    we read @ dudes kickboxing 3 days later [idiots] and even emailed with some other guys who had the same procedure, but all in all, each man is different- inside and out.
    he said that he felt completely like his old sack almost 6 weeks after. he goes in for the "blanks-vs-pollywogs" test in 2 weeks.
    i cannot wait.

    cheers, and kudos to you,

  55. @ Violet, I am glad you enjoyed the story of my experience. It is much better told over some beer in person. I did the best I could do in writing though.

  56. i will not, let me repeat myself, will NOT let the husband read this.

    That totaly sucks

  57. @ Rosie, no problem I will keep it our little secret.

  58. Read this after the link on today's post and let me say as an operating room nurse, those nurses are in fact evil bitches. Honestly, that is some of the worst nursing care I've heard of and I want to punch them in the face.

    You ALWAYS warn a patient when something painful (a needle into the balls qualifies) is going to happen if you are the one not administering it.

    If they shaved you dry, they are bitches cuz when I had to do this, (yes, I've shaved many things as an OR nurse I'd rather not talk in depth about) they should have used a bit of something to moisten it up. As for not giving you something to hold on to, bitches.

    Also, its cold in the ORs because under the bright lights of an OR room, sometimes for hours, the doctors and techs get hot so they need it cold. As someone who was never under those lights (I am a circulating nurse which means I do all the paperwork, get stuff not in the surgical field, etc) I froze my butt off daily.

    And finally, Vicodin is good stuff...makes me pass right out, too.

  59. @ Barsola, I am glad that someone in that profession agrees with my comments. Thank you.

  60. I get mine in a few hours today! Hope I don't have the same experience.


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