A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Got Awarded Again

A while back I was cool enough to receive another blog award. It was the “Cherry On Top Award” which is “for beautiful blogs with that little bit extra”.

This award was given to me by Jess over at Ramblings Of An Emotional Idiot. Her blog is pretty good so you should go check it out if you have not already done so.

This little award comes with two main rules. I need to write three things about myself which I love and I also need to pass the award onto five other blogs which I liked.

So here is three things which I love about myself.

I love that I am a good father. I was really worried when my kids were born that I would not be a great dad since my dad was such a piece of shit. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how crappy my father was when I was growing up. And I then remember that I have to be better than that to my kids.

I love that I have such a strong work ethic and a sense of responsibility. I learned both of those mostly by having to move out on my own at age 16 right before I started my junior year of high school. If it was not for having to grow up way earlier than I did, I would probably not be so responsible today.

I love that I have such a great sense of humor. This sense of humor has gotten me through some really tough times in my life. And I really love that I can share this sense of humor with the world through talking to people and through this blog.

Now I have to pass this award onto 5 other bloggers. I decided to pass this award onto people who are new to blogging and or have a small following. So in no particular order we have:

Bold Remarks

Brandi’s Place

Don’t Mind Me. I’m Discombobulated.

William’s Girl

Lowered Expectations

Thanks Jess for the award!!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Crazy Texas Laws

So the lovely state where I live has some crazy laws on the books still to this day. I am sure that other states do as well but today I am going to focus on Texas. I had written this post around six months ago and just forgot about it and never got around to posting it. And in that time I have seen others do some similar posts as well and I was reminded of this fact last week. One of the good ones is Powdered Toast Man, and you should go check out his blog.

“No Sodomy” – Really this is a current law in Texas. A gay couple was arrested for this 10 or so years ago when cops responded to a “break in” call from the couple’s neighbors and the cops busted in and found the couple having sex. It went all the way to the Supreme Court and I don’t remember the outcome. But no anal sex, really it is against the law. Which to me explains why there are so many bitches in the State of Texas, because nothing cures a woman who is a bitch like some good ole ramming it in the wrong hole anal sex right?

“Dry Counties” – Yes in 2011 there are counties in the country which are dry and do not allow the sale or consumption of alcohol. I guess alcohol is treated like the modern day plague of the earth. Really it is the religious right which is responsible for this law in mostly rural parts of Texas. But it begs the question, if alcohol is not allowed then how do all of the ugly people have sex on a Friday or Saturday night?

“Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.” – This one is strange. Somehow six dildos is ok but the owning of a seventh one is bad. I guess you can have too many sex toys. I guess it was once again the Baptists who are responsible for this law as one dildo per week is ok as long as you don’t have one on Sunday. I wish they sometimes selectively enforced this law because it would mean my ex would be in prison for life.

“It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.” – I guess I could see the intent from this one as at one point in time it means that people were shooting out of a second floor window. But I wonder if it is legal to shoot a buffalo out of the third floor windows?

“It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.” – This one is just crazy. In Texas everything is bigger, and Houston leads the nation in drunk driving, both in crashes and people arrested for it. So if you can’t have more than three sips of beer at a time, how come the colleges here in Texas still have students?

“It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.” – Now this one is funny. You can have a vibrator that is not realistic and does the same job as a dildo but you can’t have a realistic dildo. Fake unrealistic cock is ok, and fake realistic cock is not ok. I wonder when real realistic cock will be banned.

“It is illegal to sell Limburger Cheese on Sundays” – Actually I think this law is good and should be extended to all days of the week.

“It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.” – This one made me laugh out loud. How many people could you arrest in a bar on any given night because they were feeling someone up? I wonder if they would arrest a hooker for giving a hand job and a john for paying for it under this crazy law.

Well I think that is enough crazy Texas laws for you to read for one day. If you are interested in looking up some of your states crazy laws, here is a great website for doing just that.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

My Lunch Box

Last week I wrote about how my daughter has started making my lunch each day so that I can be a little healthier and save some money at the same time.

I received a few comments and a few emails from readers asking what kind of a lunch box it was. So I thought I would take a picture of it and share it with you so you can see for yourself.

So here you go my lovely trash followers, here is the now famous lunch box. The contents of the lunch box are left over pizza from last night, a cup of Kroger brand peach fruit on the bottom yogurt, a Gala apple, and today's Houston Chronicle news paper.

Yes I read the news paper every day at lunch time, it helps keep my mind relaxed, fresh, and up to date on the current events going on the in world. And since I am sure that you are curious, I read the sports page first, followed by the business section, the local section, the front page, and then the lifestyle section (which contains the funnies).

I should take requests from all of you more often.

Monday, March 28, 2011

We Are At War, Again.

I am not sure if you have noticed it or not, but about a week ago our great nation (along with a few other nations) decided to bomb Libya. Now this was started due to a “revolution” in the country and the Libyan government under orders from the dictator Moammar Kadafi began fighting back against the “rebels”. And somewhere in the process the Kadafi forces starting bombing and killing the “rebels”.

This process of killing of the rebels went on for a few weeks until the United Nations took up the issue and decided to implement a “no fly” zone under a UN Resolution. The no fly zone was designed to keep the Libyan jets from bombing and strafing the “rebel” forces. This is where we started bombing Libya a week ago, along with the French and the British. This action was supposed to be a “humanitarian” mission in order to keep the Libyan people from being killed by Kadafi’s forces.

Now normally I don’t have a problem with some conflict like this as long as it honest and justified. In conflicts/wars during my adult life, I was for the first Gulf War, I was for the war in Afghanistan even though it was done wrong (a subject of a future post), and I was against the second Gulf War (also subject of a future post). However I do have some concerns over the United States role in this “humanitarian” mission/conflict/war.

Who are these rebels? I mean seriously who are they and who is supplying them with weapons, money, and support? What are they rebelling over? What would they do if they did get Kadafi out of the country and were able to set up a government? What if the rebels gain control and turn out to be worse than Kadafi himself? It would not be the first time that this has happened. I think these things need some seriously looking into rather than bomb first and ask questions later.

The government has said that no ground troops will be used in this conflict. And as soon as the no fly zone was established all of Kadafi’s jets quit flying. Kadafi then started using ground forces with tanks to try and squash the rebels. And we all know you can’t stop this kind of thing solely by using air forces alone. So at what point in the future are ground troops going to be used since Kadafi is not stopping using his ground forces? Remember this whole shindig is to stop the deaths of the rebels and civilians.

Why are we helping only Libya out? The same exact thing is happening in Syria, Yemen, and Bahrain where their respective governments are killing civilians who are rebelling. And our country is not doing anything there. So does this mean we are going to help those countries as well at some point in time? Why aren’t we helping them already? I am not sure of the answer but I am pretty it has to do with the fact that none of those countries have oil in the large capacities that Libya has. And we all know that the oil has to keep on flowing or this planet will look like a damn zombie movie fairly quickly.

Where are all of the anti-war protestors and Hollywood types that railed George Bush for the war in Iraq? Where are all of the Democrats who so vocally opposed the Iraq war? They are so silent today over this latest military action that I can hear the summer time crickets. The media used to bash Bush daily over the war in Iraq and yet are SILENT on this in terms of speaking against it. Yes they are reporting about the conflict, but they are not against it in any form that I have seen so far.

Why did our President wait until later today (almost a week and a half) to speak to the American people? Most of the time when a President has committed our men and women of the armed forces to missions like this they normally get on tv and address the nation. I know he has been busy but damn this is an important thing to do. Especially considering that we have got mixed messages as to what is going to happen here. One part of our government says this is only limited and we will not be removing Kadafi and other parts of government have said that they will not be happy until Kadafi is gone.

Why with all of the shit going on in our country are we committing ourselves to another conflict? We are already fighting two wars and now we are diving head first into another one. And that is not even the financial mess that our country is in right now. I have heard on the news that it is going to cost somewhere around 200-500 million to set up and then a million per day that we are involved which I highly doubt that we are going to get that money back.

Why does our country have to keep meddling in the affairs of everyone else on the planet? We have a long history of getting into another countries business or supporting one faction over another. Cuba, Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq/Iran, and countless others are all examples of this. Can’t we just let the idiots fight things out for themselves for a change? We are already hated in the middle east so why do more of the same shit that has gotten us hated in the first place.

I guess I just want some of my questions and concerns answered before we commit our men and women to battle in another foreign land.

Friday, March 25, 2011


Since the warm weather is arriving, that means we are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:


More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:


More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

I hope all you have a great weekend!!! Sorry about having to post an old joke I got in an email from a friend, but I have family in from out of town and I did not have time to write a typical Oilfield Trash post.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Worldly Wednesdays – Orlando

It has been a while since I posted a Worldly Wednesday post so I think it is about time that I post a new one. If you are new to my blog, this is where I tell you about some of my travels where I get to travel to a nice location (and usually one someone else’s dime). So you should go back and check out some of the other posts from this series to see some of the nice places that I have been lucky enough to travel to.

Back at the end of 2009 I got a chance to travel to Orlando, Florida for New Years with my good friend Miley (who paid for the trip and since tomorrow is her birthday I was ordered obliged to write this post for her).

Why of all places would I go to Orlando for New Years you ask? Well we went because there was a college football game there on New Years Day. And you all know how much of a college football fan that I am. You see my favorite college team is Penn State and they were selected to play in the Capital One Bowl against Miley’s favorite team LSU.

So on Wednesday evening after work, I drove the 4 hour trip from Houston to Baton Rouge to meet Miley at her parents’ house. We crashed the night there since it was too late to start the drive to Orlando that night. The next morning we got up way too early and head to down I-10 to Orlando. On the way there we stopped a few times for coffee and food. I actually told her to “make me a damn sammich” and low and behold she had packed me a damn sammich in the cooler for the trip. And to reward her for the sammich, on the way there I rolled her finger up in the window. No it was an accident and not on purpose. I was trying to roll up my window and accidentally rolled up her window as she was smoking.

Actual broke finger.

After a long ass day of driving (I forget how long it was but it was at least 10 hours) we finally got to Orlando and our hotel which was right near downtown in front of some lake (well there is a shit ton of lakes there). It looked like it was something straight the hell out of Miami Vice because it was all multi-colored and looked like it belonged in Miami. The hotel was decent I guess as it had a huge living room, kitchen, and a big bed room. There was a nice note on the bed side table from the housekeeping staff which asked for feedback and a tip for good service. Now normally I am a good tipper, but when I find 20 pairs of boxer shorts in the dresser left by someone other guest from god fucking knows how long ago, I kind of got the opinion that they don’t clean that well.

 Miami Vice hotel.

So after dumping the bags in the hotel we headed out for dinner and some drinks since it was New Years Eve and all. We ate fried alligator at some cheap sports bar type place and then walked around the block to the block party which the city had set up a few blocks away. We were not really impressed with the party or we were just dead ass tired from the drive into town. Needless to say we were back at the hotel and asleep before long.

I wonder if their service is a good as the Fourth Second Bank?

The next morning we woke up to driving rain, 30 mph wind, and freezing cold. It rained for 5 straight hours before we had even left the hotel. Needless to say I was not fucking amused at all. We checked out of the hotel and got on the road for the whopping 3 mile trek to the stadium. Yes it was still raining. We sat in the car for 30 minutes before deciding to head to the stadium. We got thoroughly fucking drenched before we had even got near the stadium. Did I mention that it was FUCKING COLD? Yea it was about 32 F, 30 mph wind, and driving rain.

We managed to get into the stadium without being blown the hell away and it was BEYOND crowded. We trek up to our seats (which were awesome by the way) and we were facing into the wind which is blowing faster than a car can drive in a school zone without getting a ticket. And it is raining hard right in my face to add insult to injury. I am shivering so bad that I can’t even manage to drink my damn beer because I am shaking. Can you say 10% theory for the weather?

The ticket taker looked like Joe Pa!!!

The first half of the game was good but as it had rained for 8 hours prior to kickoff; the field was a complete mud bowl. And as a result of the mud, the game was kind of slow and limited because of all the players slipping around everywhere. Penn State jumped out to an early lead which they held onto through half time.

Some first half action.

We ventured down stairs to try and find some warm food since we were beyond cold at this point. I managed to find a vendor that was selling delicious fatty gyros. But as I only had plastic and no cash I was shit out of luck. Yes the vendor did not take credit cards. At. The. Fucking. Capital. One. Bowl. Can you sense the irony here? Apparently it didn’t matter to them what the hell you have in your wallet. Thankfully Miley had cash and we were able to eat and get back upstairs for the second half.

Kicking the extra point after first touchdown!

The second half saw LSU come back and take the lead 17-16 with about 4 minutes left in the game. It was then at that point that Joe Pa cooked up a comeback. Penn State drove down the field and was able to kick a field goal with a minute left to take the lead 19-17. And that was how the game ended with Penn State winning a thrilling game. I was happy about the outcome, and Miley was fucking angry, pissed off, bitter, bitching about it ie happy with the game.

 A sad as hell Miley when her team lost. Poor LSU fans.

A happy as hell Penn State fan.

As soon as the game was over, we bolted Orlando and headed back to Baton Rouge with me driving all night long. We had to leave asap as I had to pick up my car and drive to Mississippi the next day to pick up my kids from the grandparents, (which Mississippi is halfway between my home and where the their grandparents live in Georgia) as my kids had spent their Christmas break with them.

Even though we only spent a total of 24 hours in Orlando, it was a great trip. I got to see my favorite team play and so did Miley. I also was in dire need of a small vacation and that is exactly what this was. And Miley was a great sport about getting her finger broken, paying for the whole trip, and her team losing the game to my team.

The scoreboard says it all.

I hope you enjoyed this post from my series of my worldly travels, next time I will tell you about one of my travels to South America.

 The stadium on the way out.

Monday, March 21, 2011

My Thoughts On Japan

I have been watching the news coverage of the events which happened a week ago last Friday and also the events which have happened since then. I am addicted to watching the video footage that was shot by average people as the tsunami was coming in. There is not a word in the dictionary which can describe my sadness for the people of Japan and the people who have been in the region and or affected by what happened there on that fateful day.

Unless you have been living under a rock and don’t know what happened in Japan, I will tell you.

On the March 11 an 8.9-9.0 magnitude earthquake struck 50 or so miles off of the north eastern coast of Japan. The quake was so powerful that it made buildings in Tokyo 150 miles away shake and sway violently.

About 10-30 minutes after the earth quake, a massive tsunami wave washed out everything (well pretty much everything) along the coast of Japan closest to the quake. If you have not seen any footage of the wave that came in, it destroyed everything in its path. Look at the picture below. Yes that is a two story ferry boat sitting on top of a two story building.

If an earthquake and a tsunami were not bad enough, as a result of those two things the power and backup systems went out a nuclear power plant there. And as a result of the loss of power there have been multiple explosions there and there is a possibility of a large release of radiation as a result if they cannot get power restored to the plant and soon.

As if the first three things to happen were not bad enough, it was freezing cold there. It was literally snowing in some of the footage of the tsunami that I saw. Imagine losing your home, your town, your family, having no food or water, and you are freezing cold.

I have been praying for these people daily since the disaster struck them. The amount of damage, destruction, and death is just too hard to imagine.

And while watching the events unfold I have some thoughts about the tragedy, some of which you may or may not agree with me on.

Some positive thoughts:

An earth quake, a tsunami, a near nuclear meltdown, and snow all in one day. And you do not see any of the Japanese people looting, stealing televisions, or getting mad at the lack of help. If you ask me I think that this fact alone speaks volumes about the Japanese people and who they really are. I think the people of New Orleans should be forced to study this disaster and the people of Japan. I am sure that they could learn something from this disaster and how the people of Japan have behaved during this tragedy.

I think this disaster shows how prepared the Japanese people are for earth quakes and tsunamis. The buildings there in Tokyo are still standing and only had minimal damage. The nuclear power plant in question was not built to withstand a 9.0 earthquake and the mere fact that it was still standing after the quake speaks volumes about Japanese engineering. The tsunami warning system was activated within minutes of the earth quake. Can you imagine how many more people would have died had they not been prepared for it and had a tsunami warning system?

In one city I heard reports of the power being out as soon as the quake hit causing wide spread power outages. So the local fire department went out in their trucks alerting the people themselves of the tsunami since the power cut off the warning system.

Some negative thoughts:

After seeing footage of the nuclear power plant in trouble I want to know who the hell puts a power plant right next to the ocean in a tsunami prone region. But then I watched some more news coverage and noticed that someone else had asked the same question and showed a nuclear power plant in southern California right next to the ocean.

Who does the planning for CNN’s commercials? They seriously lack compassion. The show live pictures and videos of the tsunami followed by commercial for Sandals resorts all over the Caribbean. Yes I actually saw that one during a commercial break. Here take your mind off of the tsunami; here are some images of the beautiful undamaged beaches in Jamaica. Give me a damn break.

The blood is not even dry on the concrete in Japan and the media and environmentalists are all over the tube screaming at how unsafe nuclear power is. And the event there at the power plants is not resolved yet, and the investigation has not even begun. And actually nuclear power is one of the safest and cleanest forms of energy.

I actually heard one idiot commentator on CNN suggest that global warming was to blame for the earth quake. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? Plate tectonics has been going on longer than man has been burning fossil fuels. Plate tectonics have been going on longer than mankind has been on earth. Plate tectonics has been going on since before plant and animal matter even formed the fossil fuels we currently use. In fact plate tectonics have been going on longer than there has been ANY LIFE on earth. And yet this fucktard in the media thinks global warming is to blame.

Where the hell are Bush and Clinton at and why are they not on every damn tv station trying to raise money to help the victims? Oh that is right Japan is a “well off” nation unlike the victim nations of the Indian Ocean tsunami. Fuck that, regardless of how wealthy Japan is or isn’t they have undergone a very destructive tragedy and NEED HELP as well.

I think there should be resources available (ie water, food, clothing, medicine) stock piled somewhere (in multiple countries) which could be deployed in one hours time with wheels up on the plane to aid ANY nation which undergoes a tragedy like this one. Regardless of whether or not they are a friendly nation or not as I would help my neighbor if there house was on fire even though I don’t care too much for them.

I honestly do not think that our country is as prepared for a disaster of this magnitude.

Why the hell has our country (ie the President) not done more to get help there? Why the hell has the rest of the world not done more to help Japan? Maybe the world is trying and our wonderful “media” just is not reporting it. But I would think if the whole world is trying to help out, that someone out there would be reporting it.

Well those are my thoughts on some of what has happened in the last few weeks.

If you can afford to, please donate to the American Red Cross to help out some of the victims of this tragedy. And if you can’t afford to donate to them or another worthy group, please pray for these people.

Friday, March 18, 2011

I Am Appreciated A Little

A while back I wrote a post about how I did not feel appreciated at all. I was really depressed and was just down about some things which were going on in my life.

Well a week or so later my daughter asked me when I got home from work what I had to eat for lunch. I told her that well I was not eating lunch and had not ate lunch at work in months because I was trying to save money and also trying to lose some weight.

My daughter told me that it was not acceptable for me to not eat lunch every day. She then asked me if I wanted her to make me lunch every morning while she is making her lunch. I told her no, that it was not necessary for her to do that. She is not one who takes the word no lightly.

On my way home from work she called me and told me that I need to stop at the store and buy the stuff that I would like to have in my lunches. And she told me that if I came home without going to the store for lunch stuff, that there would be “hell” to pay.

So I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work and dropped about 50 bucks on lunch meat, bread, sliced Swiss cheese, apples, pears, oranges, fruit cups, and yogurt. When I walked through the door my daughter ran to me and gave me a big hug for listening to her.

The next morning I woke up and found that she had already made my lunch and put it inside one of her old lunch boxes. I took it to work and ate all the contents of what she had packed for me. But the most important thing that she packed for me was a little left over Valentines cards (the type that kids pass out at school) that told me how much she loved me. I almost cried right there at the lunch table in the break room at work.

On my way home from work that day I stopped at the store and bought my daughter a half gallon of her favorite Blue Bell ice cream for just being so sweet.

Since that day my daughter asks me in the morning each day if I would like her to make me a lunch. I of course tell her that she does not half to do so, but every day she still makes my lunch.

I am glad to know that I have at least instilled a little bit of my loving nice nature in her. And I am also glad to know that I am indeed appreciated a bit at home. Now if I could just get her and her brother to stop fighting so much I think home will be perfect.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St Patrick’s Day

Well it is that day of the year where we all rush out to celebrate St. Patrick ’s Day by drinking green beer and pinching all the ladies on the ass (or where ever you feel you can get away with it at) who are not wearing something green.

I always love this day each year as it is a simple excuse to leave work early and head to a bar (or home) to get completely fucking shitfaced.

If you are not new to my blog then you are aware of how the 10 % Theory seems to always cause me to have some kind of a major fuck up in my life at times. If are you new to my blog please go read all my posts with the tag for the 10% Theory and you will see what I mean on how my life screws up sometimes.

And the tale I am about to tell is no different than any of the other tales I tell, this one is a very real true story.

So a few years back on St Patty’s day a bunch of my friends decided that they would all meet up after work at a local Sherlock’s Pub for drinks and to watch this local band play. Since I didn’t have my kids that night I was game for some green day shenanigans to say the least.

I left work a little bit late and headed out for the 30 minute drive to the Sherlock’s Pub that we normally hang out at. When I got there the parking lot was beyond crowded so I had to park across the street.
I fought my way inside the overly crowded bar (which I am sure was WAY over the fire departments limit for that building) trying to get near the bar to get myself a pint of the green beer. It took over half an hour to get ONE DAMN BEER. Did I mention that this joint was crowded? Because I think I forgot to mention that the bar was crowded.

I bought myself TWO PINTS of beer because I knew Jesus would be back on earth quicker than I could get more beer from the bar.

Once I had beer in hand I set out to try and find my friends inside the bar. I texted a couple of them and they said that they were near the stage. It took me about 20 minutes to squeeze my ass through the crowd to get near the stage. After running the gauntlet to get to the stage I now knew what those babies went through for all of those months inside the octo-mom. Did I mention that it was crowded yet?

After standing there trying to look and see where my friends were at without success, I began texting them to ask once again where they were. They all responded that they were standing in front of the stage. I then climbed onto the stage (the band had not yet started playing) and started looking around the crowd still not seeing them.

I then did the smart thing and called one of my friends while still standing on the stage. I asked again where the hell they were at with the same response, “in front of the stage”. I told my friend, “I am standing on the fucking stage, can you see me?” They responded, “No there is no one standing on the stage.”

Then it dawned on me, I am at the wrong fucking Sherlock’s Pub location. All of my friends were at the location 10 miles up the road.

I got off of the stage and fought the crowd to get outside to the patio where I could people watch, drink my beer, and smoke my sorrows away. Good times.

I mean who goes the wrong fucking bar? I do apparently.

I finished my beer and headed home without even trying to go to the other location because I was so pissed at myself for being a dumbass. When I got home I checked the evite thingy and yep I had misread it and gone to the wrong location. At least I had got to have me some green beer.

So think of me while you are drinking your green beer today and make sure that you go to the right bar to celebrate if you are meeting your friends.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Sucking Head And Eating Tail

This is not a story about me getting head and getting my salad tossed you bunch of perverts. This is a story about something that I love to eat and that is boiled crawfish.

You see here in Texas it is officially crawfish season now. The only season I love more than crawfish season is football season. And well you all know exactly how much I love football season.

All of the restaurants here are now serving fresh boiled crawfish. I love going and sitting outside on a patio with some friends and my kids, and throwing down five to ten pounds of crawfish in a sitting. Just a couple of weekends ago I took my kids and went to a place and met some friends for some dinner time crawfish.

If you have never eaten boiled crawfish, than get your ass to Houston or anywhere in Louisiana and get you some. There are tons of places in and around Houston to eat them at. Ragin Cajun, Big Woodrows, The Crawfish Shack, Papas Seafood, The Mardi Gras Grill, and Guildry’s are all great places to consume them.

They are best with (and usually served with) corn on the cob and red potatoes.I often like to have a big huge bowl of gumbo when I am eating crawfish, or some spicy french fries.

My love affair with these little bugs is shared with my Cajun “cousins” over in Louisiana. They love them so much over there that the crawfish has been named the state animal. They even have their own version of Charlie Brown’s “Great Pumpkin” remade into the “Great Crawfish”. Now that is what I call love for an animal.

I know some of you are saying that the Bible says we are not supposed to be eating them bottom feeders of deliciousness. I don’t care because I am pretty sure that if the writers of the bible had ever been to Louisiana and had themselves a crawfish boil, that these bottom feeders would not be banned from eating.

Well I was on a diet; I guess I will resume my diet at the end of July when crawfish season is over.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

200 Followers And An Award

I was recently given the “7 Facts” blog award from Brandi over at Brandi’s Place, so thank you Brandi for the award. All of you should go check her out.

Well the award comes with some rules which were to thank the award giver (done above), to list seven facts about yourself (done below), and to pass it on (I will try to do later when I have time).

So here are seven random facts about me.

1. I love to eat. No I really love to eat. I eat more than I probably should and it is going to suck when I start trying to lose weight to have to cut back on my portions.

2. I am addicted to caffeine in the form of coffee. If I don’t have my coffee when I wake up, someone is going to get yelled at or die. God help you all if they ever run out of coffee.

3. I spend a lot of time lately thinking about things I have done wrong in my past even though I know it is a waste of time to do so.

4. I am now addicted to watching Holmes on Homes on the HGTV channel (I am watching it as I write this). It amazes me that there are some really shitty contractors out there who do such crappy work and expect to get paid.

5. I don’t eat candy or sweet stuff. I am trying to lose weight and those were easy sugars to give up.

6. I keep a list of blog ideas. I started with one sheet of paper and would write down something as it came to me. Now I have a whole folder full of about 25 sheets of paper with all kinds of ideas of things to blog about. And ironically I have gain more followers right after posting my boobs and bikini picture blogs than from any other one I have posted. And mostly they were women.

7. I am still terrified of snakes and sharks even though I know the odds of either one of them eating me for dinner are slim to none.

Well there was a quick list of seven facts about me, I hope you enjoyed them.

Now onto more of the business of blogging.

Over the weekend I hit a new milestone in blogging. I made it to the 200 follower mark. Pretty impressive if you ask me, and I did ask me. I did a little happy dance on Sunday when I saw that I hit the 200 mark. I honestly never thought I would get to this point in blogging. When I first started blogging I did not think that there would be so many people who seem to share my sense of humor. So thank you for all of you who have followed me and enjoy reading all of my non-sense.

If you are new to my blog, I have made an oath to you the readers that for 50 followers that I get, I will post a cool picture of myself. Last time I promised to post a picture of myself from back in the day when I was an actor. Well here you go ladies, enjoy it.

When I get to 250 followers I will post a picture of me in some form of a drunken stupor.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Great Inventions # 5 –Spring Break Edition

Welcome to another addition of my series of “Great Inventions”. These posts are where I tell you about some great inventions that have been invented during my lifetime. I did not invent all of these cool things, I am just writing about them to remind you of all of their greatness. And since Spring Break is here I offer up to you the Spring Break edition of Great Inventions.

Digital Video Cameras.

Video cameras have been around for a while, but they have always been huge, bulky, had low battery life, and required a PhD to operate them. Over the years they have become smaller and more user friendly. I got one about 8 or so years ago and use it all the time for filming my kid’s soccer games, plays, etc. The only bad thing about it was the little video tapes you constantly have to buy for it. Now the ones today have built in hard drives which do not even require an expensive little tape. You film and within minutes can have your video uploaded to youtube (or youporn if you are a freak like that). I know some of you are asking what does this have to do with spring break, well what do you think you capture video of hotties your vacation with.


This little gem was invented just for spring break drunken shenanigans. There is really no explanation needed for this one. You simply put your alcoholic beverage of choice in the top, and then open up the line and chug the entire contents of the funnel. I have never really been a fan of these things as I like to slowly enjoy my beers, but hey it is spring break and tons of college kids love them.

Margarita Machine.

I know some of you are thinking that margarita machines have been around for a long ass time. And you are correct. But this margarita machine comes with a plug in for your car. Yes people this one can go to the beach with you. What more could you ask for on a warm day at the beach than a margarita right in your car. I have a friend who has one of these and it rocks.


Bikinis were not invented during my lifetime, but they have been perfected during my lifetime. I don’t think you need any words or description from me on this one so here is some pictures for you.

Well I hope you enjoyed another great post from series of Great Inventions.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Do You Remember Me?

This is the guy from the old Christian Children’s Fund commercials. You know the organization that raises money on late night tv commercials to feed kids in third world countries for less than the cost of a cup of Starbucks coffee per day.

I think it is a good organization all in all as they do good work. I am not writing this post to bash the organization as they are good; I am here to bash who ever the hell writes and produces their damn commercials.

You see many years ago (around 10 or so to be exact) they had a commercial with this guy where he was somewhere in South America in some tiny hamlet of a village standing there with ______ (insert name of poor kid). He was explaining how for pennies a day we could feed this young child, send her to school, feed her, and clothe her.

Then the camera pans over to the little kid who is in street with no shoes on standing in front of a 500 pound pig. Yes I said a 500 pound pig. It took me seeing this commercial about 20 times over the course of a few weeks time late at night for it to sink into my mind. Why the fuck not eat the damn 500 pound pig? I mean if you are asking for me to donate my money to help that child not starve, then common sense tells me that you need to teach the kid how to kill, cook, and eat that fat ass pig.

I told all my friends/family over the years about this commercial and everyone got a chuckle. All of them said the same thing that I did, and that the kid should eat the pig.

One night back a few weeks ago, I was telling my brother of this funny commercial from the Children’s Fund from years ago. He laughed and said that yes they should kill the pig before asking for money from us.

About ten minutes after telling my brother the story about the pig, a brand new Children’s Fund commercial comes on the tv. Towards the end of the commercial it shows the kid in question surrounded by about 30-40 chickens in a pasture. I laughed and shouted at the tv, “eat the fucking chickens and eggs dammit.” We both sat there in awe of the commercial while sipping on our beers, eating our dinner, and laughing about it.

I guess someone needs to tell them that if want more in donation money, then maybe they shouldn’t be showing starving kids in their commercials standing next to perfectly good animals that they could easily eat. Remember it is all about common sense, I think their ad agency lacks it completely.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Spring Is Here

I am here to tell you that spring is here.

I know that some of you people up north want to kick me in the balls right now because it is still cold there and you still have snow on the ground. I am truly sorry that you still have to deal with old man winter.

But spring is here for me. The birds are chirping and singing, the trees and flowers are starting to bloom, and the temperature has been starting to get close to 80 for the last couple of weeks.

Those are good reasons why I think that spring is here, but it is not the main reason that I think spring has arrived. The main reason I am declaring that spring is here is that the college baseball season has arrived once again.

This past weekend was the annual “College Classic” baseball series here in Houston at Minute Maid Park. There were six college teams (Kentucky, Baylor, Utah, Texas A&M, Rice, and University of Houston) playing here with three games on Friday, three on Saturday, and three on Sunday.

You see I take my kids to this grand spring time event at least on one of the days every year. And this year was not any different. Since my daughter was spending the weekend with her best friend at her family’s beach house for Mardi Gras, it was just me and my son this year. There is nothing wrong at all with just some dad and son bonding time at a ball game if you ask me.

We went to watch the second and third games this past Saturday. We first saw my Alma Mater University of Houston play University of Kentucky (or as my son calls them “yucky-tucky”). UofH beat Kentucky 8-5 in a game that saw UofH score 6 runs in the 6th inning. I caught a foul ball during the game and also had myself shown on the jumbotron tv screen inside the stadium.

In the night cap game we watched Texas A&M play Rice. It was a good close game that Rice won 1-0. It was funny because my son wore his favorite University of Texas sweatshirt to the games and we were sitting on the A&M side during their game. The young woman right behind us kept heckling my son about being a Texas fan. My son turned around and told her that “Texas may have lost to A&M this year in football, but A&M still sucks at basketball and baseball”. She did not say another word to my son about being a fan of the University of Texas. Yep, he is indeed my son and not afraid to call it like he sees it.

So in a nutshell, college baseball has come, and that means that spring has come as well. I hope it warms up for all of you “northerners” out there sometime in the near future.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Ladies, Show Us Your Boobs!!!

Since it is Mardi Gras right now, I think it is high time that you let us men folk have a glance at them. You have today and tomorrow to get them out and let them see the light of day (or night) before Ash Wednesday when all of you heathens have to straighten up for Lent.

Now I know what you thinking ladies, no I am not a pervert. I just happen to love boobs. All of them regardless of size or color. Small, medium, or large I love them all.

Men are genetically designed to love boobs. Hell even gay men can appreciate a nice rack. We men folk just love them and you will have to just get over it. So please don’t complain when we stare, gawk, drool, look at your breasts as we are meant to do so.

I know for many years that you ladies have all been saying that your eyes are “up here”, but there is a new reason why us men should be looking at your boobs.

A study just recently completed in Germany (you can read about it here) found that men that frequently look at boobs tend to have lower rates of heart disease than men who do not look at boobs at all.

Can you say the hell with jump rope for heart? Or maybe we could still do jump rope for heart but have only you ladies doing it so we can just watch. After all it would help your heart as well as ours at the same time.

It appears now that in addition to Cheerios, whole grain foods, and oatmeal that staring at your boobs does wonders for our hearts (don’t all rush out at once ladies to get a “heart healthy” tattoo on your breasts).

Ladies take one for the team and help our hearts stay healthy and let us men look at your boobs, sweater puppets, fun bags, girls, tits, boobies, titties, knockers, hooters, or insert your favorite boob adjective.

So women lower your shirts down just a little so we can get a view of them and remember you are doing it for our hearts sake.

I hope all of you appreciate the amount of time that I had to spend to find those pictures on the net. It tooks HOURS of looking at boobs to find the right pairs....

Friday, March 4, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 3

Well I think it is high time for another post from my series “Thoughts of a Jackass” where I post some of my random thoughts and jokes which I often turn into a nice little post on Facebook.

I don’t remember my fortune cookie from dinner last night saying that stepping bare foot in cat shit this morning would be a nice way to start my day.

I think that in college football we should have a South Carolina vs. Oregon game be played. Can you imagine how funny it would be for the announcers saying something about "Cocks vs. Beavers"?

How is it that one damn match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a camp fire?

I am waiting to see what kind of jackass comment Kanye West has to say about the miners from Chile.

People who do not understand the difference between "reply" and "reply to all" need to have their keyboards shoved up their ass.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they sure do have some good ideas.

I wonder if President Obama could dodge a couple of shoes thrown at him like Bush did.

So "they" get rid of light bulbs which are cheap, earth unfriendly and healthy to humans and replace them with bulbs which are expensive, earth friendly, and contain mercury which is harmful to humans. Am I the only one who finds this funny?

People please repeat after me. 50 degrees is NOT cold enough to light a fire in your fire place. If you think that it is cold enough for a fire place outside right now please move to a Caribbean Island. Thanks.

I think days like today would be good if someone would invent the home coffee iv kit.

Now that Ben Roethlisberger has served his 4 game suspensions, can someone let him know that it is the Pittsburgh Steelers (about the steel industry) that he plays for and not the Pittsburgh Stealers (stealing sex from drunken women). Thanks.

I am watching 20/20 on ABC and they are trying to brainwash tell us how peaceful Islam is as a religion. What is next, the Catholic Church trying to tell us that their priests don't touch young boys?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

If abortion is legal is it really that bad to push some people in front of a Metro bus who should have been aborted in the first place?

Who is going to make a good movie first, Tyler Perry or M. Night Shyamalan??

I wonder if all the shit I post here on Facebook will be used against me while I am running for President of my trailer park's Home Owners Association.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

You Delicious Fatty Bastard

I wanted to take a minute to tell you about what I had for lunch yesterday. You see a new place just opened up three miles from my work that I just had to eat at.

I am addicted to this place like a fish is addicted to water. No scratch that, I am addicted to this place like OJ Simpson is addicted to white women. No that isn’t right, I am addicted to this place like Bill Clinton is addicted to interns and cigars. Yea that is it.

I have been to this lovely restaurant many times when I travel to Atlanta and through the South, but here in Houston there is just one location. And that one location is not in a convenient location for me to eat at when at home or at work as it is 60 miles from home and takes too long to get to from work during my lunch hour.

That is until recently when the second location opened up.

Now this place mainly serves up some great French fries, burgers, and shakes. And well since I am a true red blooded American, I love me some good burgers.

Ladies and gents I give you……………

Steak N Shake.

I know some of you are thinking that Steak N Shake ain’t anything to write home to momma about, but to me it is. You see outside of the one location which is not convenient for me to get to, the next closest Steak N Shake is light years away from my house. And you know how it is; you want stuff that you can’t have. So I have been craving this place for a long time.

I also know that some of you have never even heard of Steak N Shake, and well I truly pity you fools who have never had a meal from Steak N Shake. Go to their website and find the closest one to you and go eat there. You may or may not like it, but how often can you say you ate a 50’s style burger joint?

On this glorious day, I had the double meat chipotle burger with fries, a coke, and followed up with a strawberry milkshake. Then shortly after eating, I proceeded to fall into a deep coma at my desk.

The burger alone was worth the 5 bucks as it was better than licking Natalie Portman between her legs  absolutely delicious.

Now that I have had my burger fix, I will leave you with this picture as my gift to you. Don’t ever say I never shared anything with you.