A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Day I Quit Smoking

Well I used to smoke. Yes I said I used to smoke. Last Wednesday November 23rd I quit smoking. Well it was actually late last Tuesday night that I quit, but who is counting right. It has been one whole week ago today since I have had a cigarette. And I feel GREAT. Scratch that, I feel FUCKING GREAT!!!!!!!!!

So since I am in such an awesome mood over this achievement I have decided to tell you the story of one of the greatest days in my life.

I started my ten day break from work on Friday November 17th and I had long ago decided that sometime during my ten days off that I needed to quit smoking. I told all of my family and friends to ignore the Asshole that I was sure to become while trying give up smoking.

So on Tuesday night November 22nd after going to church for the annual Thanksgiving feast, I smoked my last cigarette and went to bed around 2-3am. Prior to going to bed I prayed for some strength (to quit and help me), and then I passed out.

I woke up Wednesday morning to sunshine coming through my window. I got up, took a shower, ate some breakfast, and watched a little tv. I did not have an urge to smoke. Not one urge. Even when I went outside for the first time, I had no urge.

After some time I had to leave the house to run to my bank to get a new debit card as my kids had lost my card somewhere in my house. I drove to the bank and had no problems at all. When I got to the bank I noticed this old man standing outside the bank smoking and I just walked right past him. I even thought that the smell was nasty. So after getting my new card, I drove home from the bank and had no urge to smoke. I kept wondering when I was going to break down and want to smoke.

While I was on the way home I noticed how beautiful it truly was outside. There was not a cloud in the sky and it was about 65 degrees outside, we have not had a day like this in a long time here. On my ride home I suddenly decided that I wanted to spend the whole day outside.

When I got home from the bank, I got the entire box of car washing supplies I needed from the shed and I completely washed my car. I took a good two to three hours to completely wash and clean both the inside and outside of my car just to make sure I got the smoke smell out of the car. And after all of that time I did not have an urge to have a smoke. And I was still wondering when I would have the urge to smoke, the cold sweats, and the headaches from the lack of smoking but they never came.

After washing the car I ate a little snack and lounged around outside just enjoying the sunshine. And I did not have an urge. I kept waiting to have an urge to smoke, but said urge never came.

As it started to get dark outside, for some strange reason I shall never know we lost our electricity at home. So I decided to go for a walk with my daughter. We walked together for two miles just talking about life and everything under the sun. She even said as a reward for giving up smoking that I should eat my favorite food that night. So I ordered pizza when we got home from our walk. And I still did not have an urge to smoke.

When we were done with my walk, I noticed how beautiful the sunset was this night. There were tons of different shades of pink, light orange, red, and yellow in the sky. It was just beyond description and had I had my camera nearby I would have taken a picture of it. This was the type of sunset that inspire people.

My daughter and I then went to pick up the pizza from Pizza Hut (they had the best deal that day). When we got there my pizza was not ready yet so we had to sit down inside and wait. Now normally before last week this would have been when I would have gone outside to smoke, but that night I did not even have the urge to. I just sat inside and talked to my daughter while patiently waiting for my dinner. My good mood must have been very apparent because I even got hit on by a young lady while I was sitting there waiting with my daughter. Although I don’t think it was my awesome aura so much as it was she has probably never seen a man interact with his daughter the way I was doing.

My daughter and I went home and ate what must have been the best pizza I have ever had in my life. It tasted beyond wonderful. And after eating I didn’t have a craving to smoke.

Yes I went through this entire perfect day with no cravings at all. I enjoyed the weather outside, I ate, I did things which would normally would have meant I would have been smoking while doing. And yet I didn’t smoke and I didn’t have an urge or craving to even touch a cigarette.

I had tried to quit smoking two previous times one of which was with medication and one was not and both of these attempts were unsuccessful. I had a lot of problems quitting smoking those two times.

Now this might sound crazy to some of you, but hear me out. I was a pack a day smoker for 15 years and I quit COLD TURKEY. No patches, no self help books, no buddy system, no medication, no nothing. The only thing I did was pray about it. And I am pretty sure that I had a few other people (like Miley and my kids) who prayed for me as well.

And this time when I quit smoking, it felt like it was different. It felt to me like it was meant to be that I was quitting cold turkey with no medical help. I felt like I had someone there with me watching over me and helping me. I can’t really explain it to you, but it just felt RIGHT to me. And I was not alone in this struggle.

Now some of you may believe in a higher power and some of you may not. Regardless of your beliefs, I felt like I was being helped on that day by a higher power. I mean how else do you explain quitting cold turkey? Do you know the odds of a cold turkey quitter succeeding (it is like 95% against you), it does not end well most of the time. Although in my case, I was not alone and there was no struggle to this. And the difference this time I quit is that I prayed for it. And it happened.

This was beyond a perfect day for me. So many things went right on this day. And I will have you know that I have had ZERO cigarettes since last Wednesday. And I have not even had the urge to smoke. Sure there were a couple of times in the last week that I was stressed out and really wanted a smoke, but I did not have one.

Monday, November 28, 2011

My Third Best Birthday Ever

One of the things that happened back in October while I was away from blogging was that I had my birthday. Last year when I celebrated my birthday, I told you a great story about my Second Favorite Birthday Ever (if you haven’t read it you really need to go and read it) so this year I am going to tell you about my Third Favorite Birthday that I have ever had.

So let’s flash back to October 2008 when I had just turned 34. A few days after my birthday I went to hang with my then girlfriend/significant other/bayou mama/woman-I-should-be-married-to who had invited me over to her apartment for a day of pampering me where I didn’t have to do anything for myself.

I know what you are asking, who is this woman and why haven't you written about her? Well this amazing woman is named Miley, and you may or may not have seen her comment around her before from time to time. I have written about her once before about our trip to Orlando, but as I am shy I have not done so very much till now.

Anyways, Miley had invited me over to her apartment where I was to be pampered. As soon as I got there I was greeted with a rather large hug and kiss. After some idle chit chat we left her place on a destination unknown.

She drove us in her car to a cool place near her house called “The Main Event” which was a huge indoor entertainment complex. They had bowling, pool, shuffleboard, laser tag, arcade games, and putt putt golf. We ended up playing an epic game of putt putt golf together. I honestly can’t remember who won that day but I am pretty sure that Miley won (and I know one of us still has the score card).

After the game of putt putt she drove us to a Star Bucks so I could get me some coffee as I was extremely tired that day due to working a lot (sounds familiar huh).

After a short drive around to the area we found our way back to her house where she proceeded to cook me dinner. The dinner consisted of a delicious steak sammich and homemade sweet potato fries, both of which left me taking each bite into my mouth and closing my eyes as result. Miley had made dessert but I didn’t even have room for it as the sammich and the fries had MORE than filled me up. Did I mention that Miley burned her hand while cook this dinner? Yes she did.

While eating we ended up talking and watching a movie together. After dinner, I was given my gift which I eagerly opened up. It was a Stars Wars Mr. Potato Head Darth Vader. Now it might seem trivial or nerdy to you (but I don’t really give a rats ass) but it was the perfect gift for me as I love Star Wars and always wanted a Mr. Potato Head and never really had one when I was a kid.

I can’t tell you what happened next, well because this is not an erotic blog and I don’t believe in kissing and telling. But to answer your question, yes I did and yes it was.

This day ended up with me spending a lot of time with Miley that day. And I really enjoyed it as we laughed at each other’s jokes, we made fun of each other, we just simply talked, I was able to relax, and we were in love. This day was just so special and perfect all at the same time as it was just plain and simple (I am very easy to please). We were both happy together, being ourselves.

I could not have asked for a more perfect birthday.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass #6

Well it is beyond time for another edition of “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you guys some of my wonderful thoughts and attempts at humor which I post on Facebook.

I wonder if there are at least 5 people alive in America who actually get excited about having hamburger helper for dinner.

Olive Garden's commercials say, "When you are here, you are family." Well if I am there and I am family, why the fuck am I having to pay for dinner?

I have a new medical procedure that will replace the invasive Lapband procedures to help people lose weight. My procedure will only cost $99.99 for me to perform for patients and during clinical trials has a 100% success rate. I will handcuff the patient’s hands behind their back and place a ball gag in their mouth. You can’t down a bag of Doritos with your hands behind your back and your mouth closed.

We have a new kitten in the house now thanks to my daughter. This is not what I was wanting when I prayed for some pussy.

On this day I am thankful that fresh boiled crawfish has returned to my area.

Herman Cain just defended his latest sexual harassment allegation by saying, "All I asked her to do was order me a pizza and hold the sausage."

So Halloween last night was a success. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups, bibles, miniature Jack Daniels bottles, Chia Pets, and candy apples. I told each kid to pick one and only one. You should have seen the kids and their parents faces at the choices they made.

A year that ends without the Yankees in the World Series is not such a bad year.

I am pretty sure Amanda Knox won't be eating at Olive Garden anytime soon.

So this morning I had to use my sons Axe body wash since I ran out of my brand. I am still waiting for women to jump through the wall to smell me. Damn false advertising.

How come you never see any homeless people drinking Gatorade?

The other night I watched the movie "The Road" and liked it. But when I feel asleep I dreamed that a group of zombie women were out to get me. The twist in my dream was that these women screwed you before they ate your brains. That's normal right?

Anytime you don't feel special, remember: You could have been a blow job.

Do deaf kids sign with their mouths full while they are eating??

In honor of Halloween, today I came to work dressed up as someone who gives a crap.

Facebook really needs to have a brutally honest day where you can tell someone what you really think. Example: "Look lady you are not single because you can't find a man. You are single because you are a bitch and you have held so much cock in your life that you have been given an honorary degree in Urology from Baylor College of Medicine."

Ladies if you are going to get on a dating site and tell the world you have four kids and you are under the age of 30, you don't need to fill out the "hobbies" section of your profile. It is pretty obvious what your hobby is.

Until next time friends….

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I am Thankful

Well it is Thanksgiving time around these parts in America so I thought I would write out a little list of stuff that I am thankful for this year.

Of course some of these are more serious than others, but hey this is ME writing this so you already knew that didn’t you?

So in no particular order here is a list of things I am thankful for:

That the six month nightmare at work is over.

That my car is still running after reaching 250,000 miles.

That beer is still readily available to buy and drink.

That I have hope and faith.

That my kids are alive, healthy, and that I haven’t failed them as a father after 11 years.

That this country continues to be resilient after 200 plus years of people trying to tear it apart.

That the small group of people in my life are really awesome people.

That my kids do not like Justin Bieber or his music.

That I am above ground.

That I am still young enough to realize my mistakes and learn from them.

That my sense of adventure is still alive.

That I have my children in my life.

That I have a good job even though sometimes it really stresses me out.

That Tyler Perry has quit making movies. Or least that I know of.

That my small family has accepted me and the hard choices that I have made in life.

That people think I am really awesome.

That football season has been really, really good to me this year.

That I still can afford cable tv because I don’t think I could survive without sports.

That soon our troops in combat will be finally coming home.

That you people are still here to read my non-sense.

That I am capable of loving someone. And telling them that I love them.

That after all I have been through in the last couple of years and my life in general, that I have not let life beat me down and I am happy regardless of what pitch life throws at me.

Well I think that pretty much sums up for me what I am thankful for this year. I am sure that I have forgotten some things and they will come to me after I post this. But that is my list.

So I wish all of you out there a Happy Thanksgiving, be safe, and enjoy your crazy families.

P.S. If you want a really good laugh, click here to go and read about the true history of Thanksgiving that I wrote last year.If you have not read it, it is Classic Oilfield Trash and worthy of reading.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Lee Corso Is My New Hero

I am not sure if you know exactly who Lee Corso is, but he is one of the hosts on ESPN’s College Game Day show. If you don’t know what ESPN is then please remove your head from your ass, unless of course you are outside of America and then it is ok if you don’t what ESPN is.

College Game Day is a show that airs on ESPN each Saturday morning during the college football season. ESPN picks one game each week and the show travels to the location of the game. And they have previews of the day’s game.

The show has three regular guys on it and they also have a “celebrity” from one of the two schools which are playing in the game that they are at. Right before the show is over the four people pick who they think the winner of the game will be. And Le Corso normally does some crazy shit when he picks his winner like he will put on the head of the schools mascot that he picks to win or some other crazy thing.

Thousands of people show up each week at the site where the show is set up for the week. People line up at 2am to get a spot close to the stage. No I am not kidding. I personally know people who have done this.

I have been watching this show for years and honestly can’t remember when I started watching it, but I do know that I really enjoy the banter on the show.

So why am I telling you all of this? Well this past Saturday ESPN College Game Day was on the campus of my university. Yep that is right; ESPN was at the University Of Houston to broadcast live on ESPN, and to also pick the winner of their game with SMU.

In case you don’t remember I went to college at UofH and if you remember I took my kids to their Spring Game (and I knew back in April that this year would be special). I have always been a fan of UofH even before I went there for college and will remain a fan for life.

Which brings me to why Lee Corso is my new found hero, here is the video of the last minute of College Game Day live from UofH.

Yes you heard it correctly, at around 1:05 Lee Corso looks like he is going to pick SMU by picking up a megaphone with SMU written on it, and then he throws it away and says “Ah Fuck It” and puts on the head of Shasta (the UofH Cougar and our mascot) and picks UofH to win. He said “Ah Fuck It” and picked my school to win.

Watch the video again. And again. Watch the response from the guys on either side of Lee Corse. Yes this video is just that great.

Lee Corso says “Ah Fuck It” live on ESPN.


This 2 minute stretch of video that I watched live on Saturday morning made my whole day. I felt so good inside that this tomfoolery took place where I went to college. UofH has never really gotten much attention the last 2 decades so it was nice to see them host College Game Day.

What makes it even better is that at a game earlier in the season against Rice University, all of the students wore red shirts that said “Ruck Fice”. Maybe Lee Corso knew this and acted in his best judgment in what he said, in any case he is my new hero.

Oh and my Cougars beat SMU’s ass 37-7 to become 11-0 on the season and have moved up to Number 8 in the latest BCS rankings.

“Ah Fuck It” is my new saying.

This picture was at College Game Day and it is of a boy dressed and painted to look like the Heisman Trophy in support of Kase Keenum’s run at winning the trophy.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Dear eFriends

I am truly sorry for my absence around these parts of the interwebs.

In case you have forgotten (you can read here), my life has been pretty busy and I just have not had the time or the energy to write anything.

I am still busy at work although it has been getting better for me on a day to day basis. All the hard work I put in over the months of my co-workers maternity leave has been worth it. I am enjoying a very liberal (yes someone else is paying for it) use of all the comp time I earned during that period to take some time off. I basically don’t have to work a Friday till after New Year’s Day. And I am also off all this week as well as few weeks in December.

I have also been busy with my kids and their school, sports, and such. They are doing great and are happy to have me working less time as it means they get me back on a more frequent basis.

So basically I now have the time to write some for you, although I don’t have much time to read much. So if you will forgive me if I can’t get to all of your blogs, but I can provide you with some of sarcasm, wit, and some stuff from heart are all to come. Yes ladies you read that correctly, I said stuff from my heart. Well dammit all the stuff I write is from my heart, but I mean love like from the heart stuff.

I will also write about what some of the things that have gone in my life in the last three to four months as well. Some of it is good and some of it is not, but you will hear about it just the same.

So please forgive me for my absence from writing.


Oilfield Trash

P.S. I normally post a goofy picture of myself for every 50 followers that I get, but to make up for my absence around here I am giving a nice little picture of myself from when I was arrested for threatening a pack of beer at the grocery store.