Dildos confiscated (weapons of ass destruction) – 456
Hernias caused – 1,485
Enlarged Prostates – 8,249
Men with one testicle – 765
Hemorrhoid cases – 3,172
Natural blonds – 3.4
Breast implants – 59,350
Dirty diapers – 113,657
Transvestites – 133
Bottles of lube over 3.5 ounces – 79,342
Under wear containing skid marks - 396.5
Women with padded bras – 34
Hamsters that used to belong to Richard Gere – 5
Cases of undiagnosed breast cancer – 59
Little bags of drugs inserted into someone’s ass – 3
"Fake" redheads where the carpet does not match the drapes - 147
Here are the important stats right here:
Terrorist Plots Discovered – 0
Bombs found – 0
Pissed off American travelers – 300,000,000
So I hope you can see the great job our government has been doing to keep us safe and all while you are traveling. Keep up the good work
I feel a Real Men Of Genius post coming soon.......
I got my first TSA feel-up last week coming back from Colorado. Apparently, the wire in my bra set off the metal detector! Haha. So the highlight of my evening was being felt up by someone old enough to be my grandmother.
ReplyDeleteLOL Richard Gere's gerbils...poor little guys!
ReplyDeletei am a little alarmed that they have only found 5 RG hamsters....some fucker is not doing their job...
ReplyDeletethe rest does not surprise me...
much...
love this post!
bruce johnson jadip
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book
Dreamodel Guy
dreamodeling!
Nothing but the truth. I'll be flying in March and again in May and am looking forward to the violation. I've been a bid of a prude anyway, so I think I have it coming.
ReplyDeleteSD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com
Hahaha....This is hilarias....
ReplyDelete@ Sam, the real question was did you enjoy it?
ReplyDelete@ Birdshit, yes those poor little guys deserve to live the rest of their life on the beach at Club Med.
@ Bruce, I agree, they are slipping on the job.
@ Simpledude, just turn your head to the left and cough. It only hurts for a minute by the way.
@ Peanut, thank you. And thanks for the following.
Damn, I read that as "Richard Simmons" not "Richard Gere". I suppose either could apply.
ReplyDeleteI need to go back to bed.
Hey, congrats on 101 followers, Oilfield!
I flew yesterday: add to the list weirdo with a jar of spices in her carry-on. And why would they confiscate a dildo? Hahaha, where did you find this stuff? It's hilarious! Bonus points to you if you came up with the hamsters point.
ReplyDeleteAND 101 followers! Bring out the promised pics! Whooo-hooooo! Honk-honk!
ツ my cyber house rules
@ Stephanie, that is funny as well. And thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Nikki, that is funny. To be honest a couple on the list came to me in an email from a coworker, which I used on the list because they were actually funny. The rest of them I made up. And the hamster one I did in fact make up myself. On Monday my post will have the stripper pic.
Those were awesome, though I think some of your numbers may be off. :) Congrats at surpassing 100! I'm making the climb slowly, but surely.
ReplyDeletetalkativetaurus.blogspot.com
Thanks for a good laugh - great way to start a Friday - sets me up nicely for the weekend.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to your "Real Men of Genius" post!
Jenny
Oh wait, does this mean we need to add a co-pay every time we go through the machine?
ReplyDeletePersonally, I feel that buying an airplane ticket is less expensive than getting a hooker. People just need to stop whining about this. You get some action and a vacation in one go.
ReplyDeletevisions unto myself
@ Krissy, thank you. Which numbers are off by the way?
ReplyDelete@ Pearson, thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it.
@ Copyboy, they might make us start paying one in addition to all of the other damn fees that they charge.
@ Kara, I would agree with you if they gave us a "happy ending" at the airport.
That's what airplane bathrooms and the stranger sitting next to you are for. The airport employees can't be expected to do all the work. They've got a lot of people to service.
ReplyDeleteHahaha!! This was good. I especially loved that last part.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the breast implants and padded bras were a little low at least, although I have no experience with either one. That's one issue God never blessed me with. :)
ReplyDeletetalkativetaurus.blogspot.com
I live in Canada so no TSA. I wonder what they would do if you got an erection as they were molesting... ahem searching you. I mean it is only molestation if you don't enjoy it.
ReplyDeletePs I shook my head and laughed out loud at work for the hamster part. Thanks for making me draw attention to the fact I'm not working.
omg this was to funny
ReplyDeleteToo funny. Great post, OT. I especially like the 3.4 stat for natural blonds.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
@ Kara, with such a large load, they need to step it up. Maybe give a little prostate stimulation. But if we can't get them to do it, maybe you are right and the person next to us on the plane could get us off.
ReplyDelete@ Kelley, thank you.
@ Krissy, you really think more women wear padded bras than that?
@ Hero, I have been curious about that as well. I bet they wouldn't let me on the plane if I had a hard on because well lets just say that I am "blessed". So they woudl consider my hard on a weapon of mass destruction. Sorry for that. Read my "Warning" at the top of my page. lol
@ Becca, thank you.
@ Robyn, thank you. I am glad you liked that. I had to take a dig at some blonds. lol
ReplyDeleteUhhh, yes, I do! Have you ever looked in the lingerie department? Always makes me mad when the ones I want have padding in them. Just my thoughts though. I could be wrong.
ReplyDeleteVery clever stuff here Oilfield! Funny statistics and a point well made. Interesting that with all the groping, fondling and searching the TSA jackwads are doing, that they have yet to accomplish anything meaningful.
ReplyDeleteRecently when I traveled I was stopped for two protein bars in my carry on luggage. I did not realize that protein bars were weapons of mass destruction. Anyhoo the security dude who searched my purse and carry-on bag shouted out that the items in question were indeed food substances. However, he never even looked twice at the 15 or so recreational pharmaceuticals that were thrown into the little plastic baggy along with the protein bars. Total f*ckwits!
Happy Friday!
http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/
Who had the .5 skidmark!? haha.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post...another great one. Sad but true...legal molestation is on the rise...that'll show those terrorists we mean business!!
haha, this i could find interesting
ReplyDeleteI love this!
ReplyDeletehed
Poor Richard Gere's hamsters...that made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to get felt up while traveling. Damn, I need some action.
Jess
@ Krissy, no I never go look in the lingerie department. Since I am horribly single doing so would only make me horny and depressed. Wait do they sell lingerie for my hands? lol
ReplyDelete@ Empress, I am glad you got a kick out of it. And I hear you about the recreational drugs, they never find those.
@ Jewels, I am not sure I want to know who it belonged to. Glad you liked it
@ Sharaf, that is cool
@ Hed, thank you.
@ Jess, yep those poor shit covered bastards. I have heard that it is just plain cheaper to get groped up at the air port than doing it the old fashioned way.
Love the statistics!! Absolutely hilarious. 3.4 natural blondes.. hmm.. if theyre not natural they fake it well.
ReplyDeleteI'm supposed to fly to OKC next week. NOT looking forward to it.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteUmmm... Isn't all women's lingerie sold for a man's hands? LOL
ReplyDeleteI am quite literally laughing my ass off right now...and no, I'm not using a dildo!
ReplyDeleteYou are brilliant!
Dear Oil Field Trash, this is the TSA ( I know it's confusing coming from your Friend ThePeachy1s house, but for security reasons we do this, also she's bitchin to party with). I am sorry to inform you that there is an error in your statistics. The amount of padded bras or miracle bras, or push up bras reached a combined total of 9,765, only 10 cases of duct tape bras were found and they were all out of NOLA airport. I am not authorized to release further data because we are smoking the shit we found in peoples asses and partying at Peachys Place. Lighten up, we want ( more liquor, drugs and crotch shots) everyone to be safe in the air. Love, TSA ( allegedly)
ReplyDeletePS- ( it's still us at TSA Sammich boy) if you think we wanted to actually stare or touch 90% of the nasty ass people or their junk that stumbles through here, please go to walmart stand at the check out and figure out the stats. BLECH. Good news is we are hiring only strippers, hooter girls and chipendales to replace all TSA in later 2011, they will work on Tips only, working to return the happy skies, TSA ( allegedly)
ReplyDeleteThat's to damn funny! Love the way your mind works..
ReplyDeleteIf your in need of a rectal examination, it's probably cheaper to fly than to go to a proctologists.
Do they recycle the dildo's?
haha! i can't wait to come to the states.
ReplyDeleteHow the shit did I miss this until just now?
ReplyDeleteI haven't flown in forever. Probably because all of my bottles of lube are WAY WAY over 3.5 oz....
@ Shroomie, thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Janie, you will be ok. Just let them feel you up.
@ Krissy, it is made for men to take off.
@ Sandra, thank you.
@ Peachy, you are cracking me up.
@ Greg, thank you. And you are right, it is cheaper to go to the airport than the doctor. And it would not shock me if they did recycle them.
@ Kage, enjoy your feel up.
@ Heather, I have no idea. And that is a good reason not to fly.
Found you via a redirect on Momma Fargo's page :)
ReplyDeletePax
[Downunder]
nice blog man. Just subscribed to it, make sure to follow me.
ReplyDeletethewatchfanatic.blogspot.com
Damn. I have to read here more. I am laughing my ass off.
ReplyDeleteHowever breastmilk thrown out was not mentioned. The shame!!!
@ Pax, thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Watchman, thank you.
@ Wreck, yes you should. There is always some funny around here. And those perverts at the TSA didn't throw it out, they either drank it or used it as masturbation lube.
I thought there would be way more dildos found. I carry at least three when I travel by air.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! really funny Oilfield!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the followers and congrats and the recent award!
I've really missed reading your blog, but I'm catching up.
@ Toastman, I thought the same thing as well. But most of the time the TSA folks are distracted by nice tits.
ReplyDelete@ Uninspired, thank you. Well there is some good stuff out there to catch up on. As well as future stuff.
I'm one of those fake redheads. I haven't been discovered yet. Don't tell...
ReplyDelete@ Jen, I still like even the fake red heads.
ReplyDelete@ Jen, and who can tell if the drapes are shaved? lol
ReplyDeleteI wonder what the percentage of people who like being felt up by a strange person in a uniform is?
ReplyDeleteGREAT and funny post!
@ Pat, that is very good questions. Outside of perverts like me, I am not sure not. Maybe it is just me.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you.