A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, November 26, 2010

My Thanksgiving Adventure

So this year we didn’t do the traditional Thanksgiving lunch/dinner on Thursday as my ex (yes we do combined holidays since we are friendly like that) had to work, so we all decided to cook the dinner on Friday night. As I have had to travel a lot in years past on Thanksgiving, this was not a big deal for us as we are not picky folk.

Since we weren’t cooking on Thursday my kids decided that we would go and see the new Harry Potter movie. We all got up early and left for the movies because I was thinking that it would not be crowded at 11am due to all the people eating, and I was correct. We got the tickets and the largest popcorn containers we could, and covered them with lots of artery clogging butter. We walked the short distance to the theater which had the 11am showing.

I opened the door and was knocked the fuck down with the smell of Ben Gay. Literally. We walked up the aisle and had trouble finding seats as it was a tiny theater and it was crowded. We finally found 3 seats on an aisle about ¾ of the way up. We sat down and I discovered the source of the Ben Gay. There was a really old couple who was each applying Ben Gay to their necks and shoulders. I thought about moving to another bunch of seats, but the only ones left were down are the front and I didn’t feel like having to look straight up so we stayed put. The smell was so strong I took my gallon-o-heart-attack-popcorn and stuck it up to my nose hoping to drown out the smell of the Ben Gay, but it didn’t work. All I could smell for the next 2.5 hours was Ben Gay. And the old couple re-applied it every 15 minutes. It is a good thing they did that too because it was the silver lining since I had to perform an autopsy after the movie on a body that had just been fished out of Galveston Bay. Well we struggled through the movie and we ended up enjoying it despite the old ass couple in front of us.

Me and the kids came home and cleaned house, did laundry, and then had a Harry Potter DVD marathon for the rest of Thursday. Oh and we also watched the University of Texas versus Texas AM football game as well.

Friday rolls around and I was a complete lazy fool. I sat around and watched college football all day. And I mean all day from 11am until the last game ended at 1am. My ex was nice enough to take the kids around 1pm to go shopping and let them use all of their birthday money and gift cards on the black Friday deals. They then came back and cooked a hella good meal which included a huge fucking ham that was so good even a Muslim would love it. And they also made stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, pink salad, and pumpkin pie. Needless to say I have 3 helpings of each one. After peeling myself off of the floor 3 hours later, I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes, but I left all of the leftovers on the stove.

My brother then came into the kitchen and was making some instant coffee while standing in front of the stove. He put a small teapot on the stove to heat the water but he turned the wrong burner on and had turned the burner on where there was a glass casserole pan on it. When he noticed a few minutes later that he had turned the wrong burner on and went to turn it off and move the pan, it exploded right in his face. Now when I say exploded, I mean it FUCKING EXPLODED. Glass was everywhere. I went and grabbed the broom and began sweeping it all up which actually was pretty quick. But then my brother chimed in with “all of the leftovers will have to be thrown away as they are all full of glass and glass shards.” I was instantly gutted as nothing makes me happier than college football on a Saturday with Thanksgiving leftovers. I mean what are the fucking odds of having a glass casserole dish explode all over your damn Thanksgiving dinner? Well I don’t know, but I am pretty sure if I would have placed a bet on it in Vegas, I would be able to retire with the winnings and 200 years of my decedents would never have to work.

But all was not lost as I got to spend the holidays with my brother, my kids, and my ex and we all got along and did not kill each other. We even got our first cold front of the year on Thursday night and the low got down into the 30’s. On Friday we had to lite the fireplace for the first time since last winter as the temp was around 30.So actually it was a great Thanksgiving come to think about it.

So the lessons learned for this Thanksgiving are this: There should be a fucking law that old ass people can’t lather themselves up with Ben Gay and go in public, and that you should never put a glass casserole dish on the stove on a burner which is on.


  1. Oh that sounds like a wonderful Thanksgiving! By the way on the bottom of those glass pans it says DO NOT put on stove top! Oh my that sounded like a mess and I would have been just as dissappointed that my leftovers were ruined but i would have gotten over it when the SEC began to play!! I agree BEN GAY should be illegal to sufficate people with in public...I know why they put that sexual warning on ther also! lol

  2. Lovely post, very interesting, i follow your blog...

  3. While I'm glad no one was hurt by the flying glass, all I can think about is "OMG, the leftovers are ruined!"

    That would dim my whole weekend, with all that goodness going to waste.

  4. Harry potter mixed with senior citizen erotica – you live the high life my friend.

  5. Wow. Sounds like quite the Thanksgiving. I will admit that Harry Potter and a Harry Potter marathon sounds just about perfect to my dorky self.

    As for Bengay...ewww. Bodies fished out of bodies of water....ewww. And exploding caseroles...boo!

    Glad that the ex and you get along so nice. It's refreshing to see/hear about. :-)

  6. I'd love to read the ex's rendition of this:
    1. My lazy ass ex sat there on his big butt all day watching "football" riiight, he would only light up when the cheerleaders were in sight
    2. I had to take the kids out because they kept complaining they couldn't watch any of THEIR shows (i.e. lazy ex)
    3. I cooked a meal for 20 hoping to make a week's worth of sandwiches but what the ex didn't wolf down was...
    4. Stupid ass ex-brother-in-law destroyed ALL signs of left-overs, will I ER be free of THESE people?
    5. My kids eyes are still burning and red from some toxic vapors emanating from the movie theater, ex swears it was "old people" but I think he took them to the garage and wait while they did an oil change watching an old dvd on the laptop!

    lol! Thanks for the wonderful opportunity... Great thanksgiving story on both sides! ツ

    p.s. what were you doing in my dream last night? Don't you think I didn't recognize the white shoes? Oh, and you were better looking than you said!

  7. @ SSW, I know they come with warnings. And I think my brother does as well but I am not sure. But I think he knows of the warning now. And the incident happened well after the Aurbun/Bama game was already over. And do tell about the sexual use for Ben Gay.

  8. @ Bluz, yes you are correct in that if did ruin the weekend. All I have is a small sliver of ham goodness left now.

    @ Copy, if I am living the High Life, where is that black dude from the High Life commercial with my beer?

    @ Jewels, I was kidding about the autopsy. I work in oil and gas not death and destruction. Morticians/doctors often use Ben Gay or Halls to put just under their noses to drown out the smell of a dead body.

    @ Nikki, I actually helped her cook and I was constantly in the kitchen snapping green beans and cleaning up after her. So she can't say that about me this year. Other years, yes she could say that. And about the dream, was all I wearing was a pair of white shoes? Because that might explain a few things. lol

  9. @ Sugar and Marko, thanks for stopping by.

  10. Sounds like a great couple of days - well, aside from losing out of the leftovers during a lazy day of college football. I am just starting my lazy day of football now and am not planning to leave the couch for about 8 hours. Not even to pee.


  11. @ Simple, I don't blame you one bit. Today the Big Ten is on all day. Wisconsin can clench if they win today. And my favorite team Penn State is playing and depending on the outcome of their game and others, they might end up playing their bowl game right here in Houston.

  12. My girlfriend had a torn muscle in her leg and was sitting on the couch rubbing Ben Gay on it when her very obnoxious husband walked in and said I have something you need to rubbing and he whipped out his dick out of his pants and before he could blink with gave him one good swipe with he ointment bathed hand right up his shaft.....OMG it was funny to see the look on his face and then tears streaming down his eyes from the pay and him screaming at her to get some ice! I was laughing so hard I think I peed my pants!

  13. @ SSW, that is hilarious. I think I would peed in my pants laughing as well. Well unless I was the one with the Ben Gay on my shaft, then I would have peed on you. lol

  14. Yes I it was so funny and couldn't have happened to a more obnoxious overbearing loudmouth jerk, that is why I was literally laughing my ass off!

  15. Yea that would have made me laugh as well.

  16. How crazy is this post?? Ben Gay & an exploding glass dish all over Thanksgiving dinner. Unbelieveable. Loves the part about the Muslim liking your ham. Ha! BTW, my husband & I both graduated from UT. We weren't too happy Thanksgiving night. Stupid Aggies. You aren't an Aggie, right??

  17. @ Kelley, that is exactly why I called it an adventure. I really need to do stand up comedy as my life is much funnier than fiction.

    And I am a UofH Cougar, but I like UT. A lot. As do my kids. And I was not happy either on Thanksgiving night.

    I also cheer for Penn State (as I am from PA and a lot of family went there) and LSU.

  18. BenGay is not a sexual lubricant?!?!


  19. @ Kage, I am not sure why no one has mentioned it before. Maybe it has some thing to do with the AARP lobbying the FDA to keep it off of the box. You know how those freaky ass old people are.

  20. That happened to me once! It was chicken with potatoes and tomato sauce, and the casserole just exploded everywhere. My kitchen was covered in pieces of chicken and tomato sauce, and the food had to be thrown away completely uneaten. I had potato chips for dinner :(

  21. awesome post dude...

    i love the line about the bengay for the autopsy...that was funny...

    hell bro th ewhole thing was funny!!

    love this post!

  22. @ Uninspired, that sucks. But I can relate to you. At least I got to eat come of the food before the explosion.

    @ Bruce, I am glad you got a good chuckle out of my sad, sad life. Truth really is stranger than fiction in my life.

  23. Perhaps the turkey gods were giving your arteries a reprieve after the bucket of popcorn and butter consumed the day before plus the three helpings of thanksgiving goodness you joyfully gobbled down. But an exploding glass casserole dish was a bit extreme!

    As for the oldies and their bengay obsession, one can only imagine what the f*ck they were getting up to! ; )


  24. I'm not sure which is scarier: the Ben Gay fumes throughout the movie or the exploding casserole dish that destroyed Thanksgiving leftovers. It's pretty much a toss up, but I'm glad you all got along. That's what it's all about.

  25. OFT- LOL
    not laughing at you...laughing with you...

    but remember, as i always say...

    stupid stuff is always funnier when it happens to someone else..


    stupid stuff i see and hear
    bruce johnson jadip

  26. @ Empress, I was watching them during the movie like a Muslim gets watched on an airplane. I was just waiting for them to get freaky.

    @ Robyn, both were scary. But it was good since we did all get along.

    @ Bruce, I know you are laughing with me. If I wrote a book of the funnier stories of my life, people would say it is fiction.

  27. I actually learnt something. We dont have Ben Gay here in Australia. For a short while I thought he must have been an unwashed associate. Thankyou for clearing that up for me

  28. Hahaha. Those laws seem pretty reasonable to me.


  29. What had happened was....the old people had seen a movie the night before and had to sit in the front row to avoid some stinky people farther back. Sitting in the front row with their necks craned up gave them cricks and they had to use the Ben-Gay. If you had sat in the front row, you would have been the Ben-Gay offenders the next day, causing more people to have to sit in the front to avoid you. Thank you for breaking this vicious cycle, my good man!

    Guess what my 1st thought was when I read about the exploding casserole dish? "I hope he didn't get flying glass shards in his eye." I've had to deal with that before in some of my patients - not pretty!

    Oh, and I'm an Aggie! WHOOP! Got my bachelor's in biology there. I did get my doctorate in Opto from UH, though.

  30. I'm glad you clarified that part about Ben Gay not being used as a sexual lubricant...I was sort of wondering what the tingly effect would feel like on my...well, never mind...

  31. Ahhh, happy memories all around. Glad no one was hurt during the Casserole Explosion 2010...though I do weep for the lost leftovers :)

    I was waiting for something horribly funny (whilst being simultaneously sad) to happen during our first Thanksgiving this year...thankfully, it turned out beautifully (although my fridge started leaking...and sounding like a diesel truck...)

  32. @ Mynx, glad I could be of help.

    @ Fickle, thank you. I agree.

    @ Opto, you are still cool in my book even thought you are an Aggie.

    @ Sandra, I am glad I could provide you with the sexual advice.

    @ Sam, thank you.

  33. "And the old couple re-applied it every 15 minutes" , you gotta be kidding me.....that is hilarious

  34. @ Major, I am being serious. Every 15 minutes on the dot they applied it to their bodies right there in their seats.


I love comments, so please leave one for me.