My Thanksgiving Adventure

So this year we didn’t do the traditional Thanksgiving lunch/dinner on Thursday as my ex (yes we do combined holidays since we are friendly like that) had to work, so we all decided to cook the dinner on Friday night. As I have had to travel a lot in years past on Thanksgiving, this was not a big deal for us as we are not picky folk.

Since we weren’t cooking on Thursday my kids decided that we would go and see the new Harry Potter movie. We all got up early and left for the movies because I was thinking that it would not be crowded at 11am due to all the people eating, and I was correct. We got the tickets and the largest popcorn containers we could, and covered them with lots of artery clogging butter. We walked the short distance to the theater which had the 11am showing.

I opened the door and was knocked the fuck down with the smell of Ben Gay. Literally. We walked up the aisle and had trouble finding seats as it was a tiny theater and it was crowded. We finally found 3 seats on an aisle about ¾ of the way up. We sat down and I discovered the source of the Ben Gay. There was a really old couple who was each applying Ben Gay to their necks and shoulders. I thought about moving to another bunch of seats, but the only ones left were down are the front and I didn’t feel like having to look straight up so we stayed put. The smell was so strong I took my gallon-o-heart-attack-popcorn and stuck it up to my nose hoping to drown out the smell of the Ben Gay, but it didn’t work. All I could smell for the next 2.5 hours was Ben Gay. And the old couple re-applied it every 15 minutes. It is a good thing they did that too because it was the silver lining since I had to perform an autopsy after the movie on a body that had just been fished out of Galveston Bay. Well we struggled through the movie and we ended up enjoying it despite the old ass couple in front of us.

Me and the kids came home and cleaned house, did laundry, and then had a Harry Potter DVD marathon for the rest of Thursday. Oh and we also watched the University of Texas versus Texas AM football game as well.

Friday rolls around and I was a complete lazy fool. I sat around and watched college football all day. And I mean all day from 11am until the last game ended at 1am. My ex was nice enough to take the kids around 1pm to go shopping and let them use all of their birthday money and gift cards on the black Friday deals. They then came back and cooked a hella good meal which included a huge fucking ham that was so good even a Muslim would love it. And they also made stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, pink salad, and pumpkin pie. Needless to say I have 3 helpings of each one. After peeling myself off of the floor 3 hours later, I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes, but I left all of the leftovers on the stove.

My brother then came into the kitchen and was making some instant coffee while standing in front of the stove. He put a small teapot on the stove to heat the water but he turned the wrong burner on and had turned the burner on where there was a glass casserole pan on it. When he noticed a few minutes later that he had turned the wrong burner on and went to turn it off and move the pan, it exploded right in his face. Now when I say exploded, I mean it FUCKING EXPLODED. Glass was everywhere. I went and grabbed the broom and began sweeping it all up which actually was pretty quick. But then my brother chimed in with “all of the leftovers will have to be thrown away as they are all full of glass and glass shards.” I was instantly gutted as nothing makes me happier than college football on a Saturday with Thanksgiving leftovers. I mean what are the fucking odds of having a glass casserole dish explode all over your damn Thanksgiving dinner? Well I don’t know, but I am pretty sure if I would have placed a bet on it in Vegas, I would be able to retire with the winnings and 200 years of my decedents would never have to work.

But all was not lost as I got to spend the holidays with my brother, my kids, and my ex and we all got along and did not kill each other. We even got our first cold front of the year on Thursday night and the low got down into the 30’s. On Friday we had to lite the fireplace for the first time since last winter as the temp was around 30.So actually it was a great Thanksgiving come to think about it.

So the lessons learned for this Thanksgiving are this: There should be a fucking law that old ass people can’t lather themselves up with Ben Gay and go in public, and that you should never put a glass casserole dish on the stove on a burner which is on.