A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Human Spirit

While I was watching the miners in Chile getting rescued a few weeks ago, I was reminded of how powerful the human spirit and the will to survive truly are. No one can even begin to understand what those men were going through or the thoughts that were going through their minds while they were down there in that mine. It was hot, dark, sweaty, and not to mention the smell from the crapper as well. I was happy to see them all rescued and how that country and the world came together to help get them out of that mine. Even the company I work for was involved in what they called “plan C” and that was drilling a shaft to get them out. But “plan B” was the quickest to get to the miners and save them.

While I was watching them get rescued one by one, my mind wandered to other get rescues and great survivor stories throughout human history. I thought about the survivors of the USS Indianapolis during World War 2 where those sailors were in the waters of the South Pacific for a week with no water or food and sharks eating them. I thought about the stories of survival and heroism on 9/11 from the security director of Morgan Stanley in one of the towers who managed to get all but 6 or 7 employees out of over 2000 alive because he had drilled them monthly since the first attack on the towers in 1993. I also thought about the survivors of the Titanic and how they were in the cold wintery north Atlantic waiting to be rescued. And I also thought about the story of Apollo 13 and the story not just on the ground to figure out the solution but also the story in space.

Then it dawned on me about a story I was all too familiar with and honestly had forgotten about until then, and that story has to be the greatest survival story known to man (in my opinion). Back on Friday October 13th 1972 a plane took off from Uruguay (with a college rugby team and their family/friends aboard) and crashed into/onto a mountain in the Andes Mountains on the border between Chile and Argentina. Of the 45 people on the plane, 17 died either in the crash or shortly thereafter. The plane crashed at roughly 12,000 feet on a mountain and needless to say it was very cold there. The only food that they had was some chocolate and a few bottles of wine. And the only shelter that they had was the fuselage of the wrecked plane. None of the survivors had any winter clothing as October is the start of spring time in South America, and well they were dressed for sea level, not a crash landing in the mountains.

They had a small am radio and had heard that the search parties had given up the search for them after roughly a week due to the odds of them surviving were slim to none. Roughly two weeks after the crash an avalanche hit the remains of the airplane and killed 8 more people. Some others had died between the crash and the avalanche. At some point and time after the avalanche, the survivors had used sheets of metal from the plane to reflect sunlight and use it to melt snow for water to drink.

And at some point the remaining survivors ran out of food and had decided that the only way that they could survive was to eat from the dead bodies of their friends, family, and team mates. And as the bodies had been under snow and preserved, it was the only choice for them to make. So they wrestled with their religious beliefs (they were Catholic) and personal beliefs and decided to eat the dead as they felt that the dead would have wanted them to do it in order to survive.

On December 12th, two of the survivors loaded up some clothing and rations, and a “sleeping bag” that they had made, and set out to leave the mountain. They walked, climbed up, and went down many peaks over many miles on a roughly 10 day trek out of the mountains and into Chile. They were eventually rescued and led a team by helicopter to rescue the last of the survivors on December 22nd and 23rd. So in all they had spent 72 days on a mountain top at 12,000 feet in the snow, had very little protection from the elements, and had resorted to eating the bodies of the dead. Of the original 45 people on board the flight when it took off, 16 people were alive on the last day of the rescue.

Now I am not taking anything away from the miners in Chile when I say this, but I think the people on the mountain for those 72 days are part of the greatest survival story ever. The miners had an air shaft by which food, water, and air were sent down to them. Even at some point a guitar was sent down to them. They had people at the surface they could communicate with. The people on the mountain had nothing. No food, no winter clothing, no nothing other than the will to survive. Can you just imagine the decision to eat the bodies of your friends? Can you imagine living with that decision for the rest of your life? While I was watching the miners being rescued I shared the story of the Andes mountain plane crash with my kids. And they were shocked at the cannibalism part of the story. My son said he would not have done it, but my daughter said she would have done whatever was needed to survive. Now if I could just get them to clean up after themselves I would be happy.

If you have never heard of this story before, you can learn more about it by going here. Another great way to learn about the story of the crash and survival is to see the movie "Alive” from 1993. The movie does a really good job of telling the story and I HIGHLY suggest that you see it if you have not already seen it as it truly exemplifies the human spirit and the will to survive.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Meal Mondays – English Muffin Pizza

Here is another great meal in my series of Meal Mondays that you can make which is quick, easy, and if you have kids you can get them to help make the pizzas. This way it exposes your kids to cooking and they get an easy meal, a win-win situation.

Ingredient List:

The ingredients listed here are the ones I usually use. You do not have to use pepperoni; you could use ham, bacon, just cheese, or whatever toppings you want. I use pepperoni as they are the easiest to deal with.

1) 1 package of at least 6 English Muffins.
2) 1 small jar of pizza sauce.
3) 1 medium package of mozzarella cheese.
4) 1 package of sliced pepperoni.


The preparations for the English muffin pizzas are easy as well.

1) Cut the 6 muffins in half.
2) Use a spoon to smear some pizza sauce all over each muffin.
3) Sprinkle some mozzarella cheese on each muffin.
4) Place a dab of pizza sauce in 3 spots on top of the cheese which makes the shape of a triangle.
5) Place a slice of pepperoni on each of the 3 dabs of pizza sauce.
6) Place all of the pizzas on a baking sheet.
7) Back all of the pizzas for 5-10 minutes at 350F.

Once you take the pizzas out of the oven let them stand for about 5 minutes until they cool some. Then serve them up to your hungry household. Your kids will love the pizzas that you let them help make and you have kids with a full belly, which hopefully will be followed by the kids napping and a mixed drink or other tasty beverage for you. Enjoy.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Second Best Birthday Ever

Well as my birthday is this week I have decided to spare all of my fans from another political, sarcastic, and sexist post and share something from the heart. I am going to share the tale of my 12th birthday. This, by the way happens to be my second best birthday ever. Now I know what you are all thinking, why not talk about your best birthday ever? Well that one is too easy to write about and I was planning on sharing that story later. And considering that throughout most of my life pretty much all of my birthdays have sucked donkey balls, you will see why this birthday is special to me. This story might seem a little like an Al Bundy story to you, but take it in stride and remember that I love me some football.

Flashback to October 1986. It was a Friday afternoon the day before my 12th birthday and I was walking home from school on a nice cool fall afternoon. I turned the corner onto my street and noticed that my grandparents motor home was taking up my drive way. I ran the last 100 feet or so home because I was thrilled that they had drove the 24 hour drive down from Pittsburgh to see us as we never really got to spend much time with my grandparents in Texas. Well after getting home and talking to them I found out that they were down here for my 12th birthday and to also watch my little league football game the next day, which made my day as they have never seen any of my games before.

On Saturday afternoon we all (me, my mom, my kid brother, and my grandparents) headed off to my football game in town in which I was playing our rival cross-town rivals, the Cowboys. My dad even showed up which shocked me because since my parents had divorced a few years earlier, he had been in a bottle of scotch and had been rarely active in my life to say the least.

A little background on my little league football life, the league I was in had 14-20 teams or so evenly split into two conferences. Each “team” was comprised of 4 teams, a freshman (3rd grade), a sophomore (4th grade), a junior (5th grade), and a senior (6th grade) team. My freshman and sophomore years we won the Superbowl of the league and my junior year we lost in the Superbowl. The kids on my team and I had a history of winning, as most of the team stayed together through our 4 years together playing for the Oilers. And my senior year was no different. So to say that this league was competitive was an understatement. My first three years of playing little league I was a little chubby and always got stuck playing either guard or tackle on the offensive line. But sometime between 5th and 6th grade I went through a huge growth spurt and suddenly became tall and lanky, so I was moved to offensive end.

So the game gets going and we were up 7-0 through most of the game. Now most of the time we did not pass very much as we had a NFL-like running game, but from time to time we did pass the ball. And on this day we had trouble running the ball (hey it was a rivalry game and you know how those always turn out). Now normally as left end I had to line up next to the tackle, but on pass plays I was split out off of the line.

Sometime in the 3rd or 4th quarter we are in the huddle and I hear that the coach called for a pass play. I was happy because it meant I didn’t have to block the fatass across from me on the other team. I was so happy in fact that when we broke the huddle I ran full speed out to the left side. I asked the ref (like you are supposed to do) if I was lined up correctly and he said I was. I then out of now where told the ref, “You might as well go ahead and put your arms up for a touchdown because I am about to score”, which I probably said because no one of the defense noticed I was lined up for a pass. So the ball is hiked and I run down the field with no one covering me, and I turn around to see the quarterback throwing the ball to me. About 10 yards later I caught the ball (now all of this is in slow motion at this point in time) and I kept on running for what seem like a damn eternity. I got down to about the 4 yard line and felt a tug on my leg which was the safety who had finally caught up with me and was trying to bring me down. I struggled and struggled but kept trying to get the last 3-4 yards to heaven. I felt like Charlie Brown always getting denied the chance to kick the ball because that little bitch Lucy kept pulling the ball back. But I was not going to be denied on this day because I kept trying to get to the end zone. I ended up tripping and losing my balance and I fell across the goal line into the end zone flat on my stomach. I had just scored my first TOUCHDOWN ever!!!! And on my birthday!!!

I looked back to see the kid who was trying to keep me from my date with destiny and noticed he was holding my shoe by the laces. My dumb ass self had just ran a 60 yard touchdown pass with untied shoes, story of my damn life. So I got up and handed the ball to the ref and reminded him that he was going to need to put his arms up, and he said, “Good catch and run kid”.

I was on cloud 9 as I ran back to the sidelines and all I could hear was cheers from the crowd and my family. Later in the game we had the ball and we right in front of the stands and I was lined up in the 3 point stance, and the guy on defense jumped offsides and knocked me over before the ball was snapped. Being in such a good mood, I immediately got up, turned to the crowd, and pretended to be the ref and acted like I pulled the flag out and shouted to the crowd, “encroachment on the defense, 5 yards, replay first down”. Everyone in the stands was laughing as well as my team mates and coaches.

We ended up winning that game with our cross-town rivals 14-0. After each game the home team would have a raffle drawing to raise money for the teams and they would raffle off the game ball which was used during the game. So after the team meeting and drinks, I get to where my family is gathered up and find out that my grandparents had won the game ball. My mom had been trying for 4 years to win a damn game ball and my grandparents won the game ball which I scored a touchdown with. How fucking more awesome could this day get?

Well after the game we all went for lunch together and everyone (my dad included) came and everyone got along (which never happened). My dad and mom fought all the time before and after marriage. And my dad never got along with my grandparents. Gifts were given to me and there was also cake.

So to give you a brief summary of my 12th birthday: My grandparents drove 1200 miles to see me and also my football game on my birthday. I scored my first and only touchdown ever in my 10 years of playing organized football. My dad was at the game and sober. Everyone got along. I ended up getting the game ball.

It was like the stars/planets were all aligned, karma was in my corner, lady luck had visited. Everything that could go RIGHT that day happened. It is a shame that I lost the game ball from that day when I moved out of my mom’s house. I am pretty sure that the game ball would have been a good one to use for my ashes to be put in when I am gone.

I can’t tell you (because I honestly don’t remember) what I got for my birthday that day, but I got the best gift I could have been given and that was some of the best memories of my childhood for my 12th birthday.

And yes this picture is really me from that season in 1986.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Lame-stream Media – Fair and Unbalanced?

Something has happened over my lifetime that has me a little pissed off. And that something is how the main stream media has become very overly biased in how and what they report in the news. I am not talking about Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, Keith Oberman, or Chris Mathews as those are opinion based shows. I am talking here about the regular national news of CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, Fox, MSNBC, local and national newspapers, etc.

So you ask well how are they biased, well it is not just that they provide a left (CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, newspapers) or right (Fox) leaning slant to the news that they report. It is that with some things that they do not even report about it. So if there is no news on a particular subject, than the masses do not know about it, and therefore it is not news. Sometimes they will report a news story and not do any effort in fact checking (does anyone remember how to do this) in the story. And in some other cases they report flat out lies or distort the news to further their (and their political aligned agenda’s) cause. And the sad thing is that none of the news outlets today even attempt to hide their bullshit agenda’s anymore. So let’s take a look at some examples so you can see what I am talking about.

Remember when President Obama was running for office in 2008 and it came out (well if you managed to hear about it) that the preacher at his church was spewing out hatred of white people and that they were to blame for all of America’s and black people’s problems? I heard about it barely when it came out but only because I read about it online. The main stream media buried the story because Obama was a Democrat and well the media was acting as a lapdog, and they wanted him elected to office. Now imagine the year is 2000 and George Bush is running for president and it comes out that he attended an East Texas church where the preacher is spewing KKK like hatred for black people. Do you think the main stream media would have reported it? You bet your ass they would have and you would still be hearing about it today.

Another fine example of great reporting was when a few years ago there was a rally in Arizona where there were people protesting Obama and some of them were carrying weapons (which is allowed in Arizona fyi). Well the mainstream media found and took a picture of a man in a white dress shirt that had an assault rifle over his shoulder. The media then went on to describe the people in the crowd as angry, racist, white gun nuts. And when they showed the picture of the man, they only showed the man from the neck down. The media then went on to discuss racism and race relations for months afterwards. If the main stream media would have showed the whole picture instead of a cropped picture, you would have seen that this man was a black man and not some racist angry white man.

Do you remember the 24/7 coverage of Cindy Shennan (spelling?) and the anti-war moms who were protesting all the time? The main stream media reported on them non-stop from the time the Iraq war started until George Bush left office. Then when Obama was sworn in the protests stopped. Or the media stopped reporting about it. Did the protestors magically disappear when Bush left office? No they did not. Yet any day of the week you can find someone protesting in front of the White House against the two wars we are involved in right now.

Did you hear about the three Black Panthers who in 2008 were in Philly intimidating voters as they went into the polls to vote on Election Day? No you sure didn’t. The Justice Department brought charges against them and then earlier this year dropped the charges against them. And you still did not hear much about it from the media. Now if this had been three white guys intimidating voters, brought up on charges, and then had the charges dropped under say George Bush’s administration, you would never hear the end of it would you? But because the media is left leaning and so is the current administration and this story has been buried and not reported on.

Even my local newspaper has become liberal left leaning in their reporting. I have been reading this news paper daily for over 20 years at lunch time and I have noticed a change. Whenever a criminal was on the run and wanted by the law, they would give a full description of the person which included their race, height, weight, hair color, etc. And sometime over the last ten or so years they changed the way they report on these wanted people. Just two days ago there was story about a man wanted for a bank robbery and the only description which was listed was the guy’s height, and weight. Do you know how many people fit that damn description of being 6’1” and 200 pounds? That is half of Houston. And just two weeks earlier the paper listed another wanted individual as being a white man in his 20’s, 6’1”, and 200 pounds. The paper only lists a person’s race if they are white. Now if you can’t list the race of someone who is wanted for a murder or serious crime, how the fuck do you expect the public to help in the capture of said criminal?

Remember the Fort Hood shooter and how he yelled out Alah Akbar before killing the people? Did the media call him a terrorist, no you did not. Do you remember during the healthcare debate that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were on national tv and said if you are against health care reform you are a racist because it affects black people and a black president is pushing the bill. Since when did race have jack shit to do with supporting or opposing a piece of legislation? Remember how the media suggested that the guy who left the car bomb in Times Square was a white tea party member? And it turned out to be a Muslim terrorist.

Now keep in mind that I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican, I am an independent voter. I have been all my life and will be until the day that I die. I just want to see the news reported fairly and without any bias. Which is why I love the sports page of my local newspaper so much, and that is because you can’t bullshit the stats. There is no spin on the stats. It is what it is.

I guess the short version of what I am trying to say is that you should get your news from multiple sources and not from just one source in order to get through the bullshit that is out there today, more so during the election season we are in. And with most of America only getting its news from the main stream media, it is easy to see why people constantly vote for idiots.

Friday, October 15, 2010


From time to time I am posting some of the funny stuff that my kids say as they are spouting off some great comedic material.

Last week we went to a local pizza joint because they were having a fund raiser for my kid’s school and were donating 15% of the sales to the school. So my ex and I collectively took the kids up there for dinner. After dinner my son and I were playing with his mom’s cell phone and it has this app where you talk to it and the phone repeats back what you say to it. But the repeat of what you say to it is in a kitty cat voice. So I said to the phone, “Make me a darn sammich woman” and then I stuck the phone up to my ex’s ear so she could hear the repeat. She was not amused.

So then my son grabbed the phone and said this beautiful gem.

He pretended like he was an NFL referee (and even acted like he was pulling and throwing the flag out) and said into the phone, “Mom #63. Offsides, not in the kitchen. 15 yards, replay 4th down.” And the phone then repeated what he had just said.

His mom (my ex) was severely pissed off and tried to lecture me about our son becoming a male chauvinistic pig. I politely explained that I had not taught my son anything about women being solely in the kitchen. I then told her (jokingly of course) that women have to occasionally leave the kitchen to clean and do laundry. It was at that point that she got up and walked out. Talk about not being able to take a joke. At least my son and I had a good laugh at his mom’s expense.

I am not sure what was funnier, the fact that my son said this to her or that the jersey number he gave her is a number normally reserved for a fat ass offensive lineman.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Worldly Wednesdays – Destin, Florida

Well here is another in the series of my worldly travels were I got to travel on someone else’s nickels. Last time I said I would tell you about a warmer place, so here it is. I know it says Florida and that Florida is not really worldly, but it involves me leaving my tiny corner of Texas. And when you leave the state of Texas it is like traveling to another country. I mean have you ever seen how big Texas really is?

Anyway back in March of 2009 for Spring Break I packed up my kids and we drove to Georgia to help their grandparents move into a new house that they had just bought the week before. We stayed there 4 days doing all of the moving, cleaning, painting, and other stuff which goes along with moving into a new house. On the 5th day we (me and their grandparents) packed up the kids and drove south down to Destin, Florida as a reward to the kids for their help with moving.

The whole way driving down to Destin we told the kids we were heading north to Canada, which the kids believed until we actually go to Destin and they could smell the beach air. They were a tad bit pissed off at our lies and deceptions because they were actually by that point wanting to go snow skiing. But they got over it really quick when they discovered that our hotel was a resort on the beach.

We got there on a nice, crisp, COLD Thursday evening and my kids being who they are, just had to go swimming immediately. So we proceeded to unpack the cars and get everything into the resort room. This room was beyond what words can describe, it had 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, and a huge living room. Oh and the best thing about it was that I was not paying for it. I was impressed to say the least living like rich folk live.

So we quickly headed down to the beach and it was freezing cold. I did not even go into the water because it was so cold, but my kids being kids jumped in head first and swam until way after dark. After a few hours of that we hit up the resorts heated swimming pool, which I did partake in some of the hot tub.

We spent the next two whole days at the beach from sun up to sun down. The kids were in the water swimming. And since it was Spring Break, I was observing the college co-eds to make sure that they were not drowning. Yes I know what you are thinking, you are a damn pervert. I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer; of course I was going to watch the ladies. Sheesh I am a MAN after all.

Words just simply can’t describe how beautiful the beaches of the Florida panhandle truly are. The sand is white and clean, and the water is a light blue and crystal clear. And when I say crystal clear, I mean crystal clear. You can see all of the marine life all around you in the water if you are one of those paranoid people who don’t like sharks.

We also ventured around town a little bit and did some shopping and some eating. The only negative thing I would say is if you ever go to Destin, DO NOT eat at a place called “Fudpuckers”. The place blows chunks, the food sucked, the service sucked, and it is highly overpriced for shitty food and service. You could have a better meal at McDonald’s.

Well after playing on the beach for 3 days, Sunday came around and we had to get on the road for the 8 hour drive back to Texas. Which was depressing to say the least, but I was thankful for the opportunity to get to visit one of the South’s best beaches. If you ever get a chance to go there, I would highly recommend it. You don’t even have to go to Destin, you can go to any of the beaches along the Alabama or Florida panhandle to see a truly beautiful beach.

Next time around I will take you somewhere outside of North America.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I Love You

This is a little story of who I am as a man today.

I was born and partially raised in Western Pennsylvania. So between my dad and family I grew up loving the Pittsburgh Steelers and Penn State Nittany Lions. Saturdays and Sundays were dedicated to football and the watching of football. All kinds of family and friends would come over and there would be tons of food consumed. It was almost like a family reunion every weekend.

When we left Pennsylvania when I was 8 years old and came to Houston I started liking the Houston Oilers, the University of Texas, and the University of Houston. Football was still watched in my house but it was not the same as back home in Pennsylvania as we had no other family in Houston to enjoy games with.

As I grew older I got involved in playing football. I played 10 years of organized football between little league, junior high, and high school and loved every minute of it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could go back to my youth and play again. The overpaid assholes in the NFL have no clue how lucky they are to be able to still play. I would play football for my current salary if I could play in the NFL. I think those guys don’t love the game as much. That is why my favorite football is high school. Those kids are doing it for fun and not for money. They still have a grasp of the pureness of the game.

Today I love football just as much as I did as a kid, but I just don’t get to play as much as I used to. Sure on weekends I go outside with my kids and throw the ball around, but it just is not the same as it was when I was putting the pads on. It just does not feel the same to me.

Although I still enjoy watching it all the time. I mean on Thursdays you have college games. On Fridays you have high school games. On Saturdays you have college games. And on Sundays you have the NFL. And on Mondays you have the grand daddy of them all, Monday night football. And when we watch games at home we always enjoy food with the games just like I did when I was a kid with my family.

And I don’t just watch football on tv. I take my kids to games. We often go to watch my old high school play many times during their season. We go to college games as well and just recently went to see the University of Texas play. We also go to pro games and I have taken them to see the Houston Texans play on more than one occasion.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I love me some football. It is a part of who I am as much as blood, bones, and dna are a part of me.

My ex wife recently said something recently that made me think for a minute that she actually has a soul and knows something about me. She said, “When you die in 70 years or so, we are going to cremate you and have your ashes put inside a football and stitched up. Then we will put the ball in a glass case on the fire place mantle for everyone to see.”

I could not have summed it up better myself.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Great Inventions

I think that in my short lifetime that there have been some really great inventions. So I am going to say a little about some of them that I think are influential (well at least to me).

The iPod.

When I was a kid I had hundreds of cassette tapes and hundreds of vinyl records because I loved music and also because I was a DJ. I did private parties, weddings, and of course my own house parties. Anytime I had a gig, I had to haul around hundreds of pounds of gear, equipment, and the vinyl. Then came cd’s and I had to get everything I had on vinyl and cassette and go buy it on cd. So many years go by and I have hundreds of cds and any time I take a road trip, I have to take tons of cds with me. So skip ahead to today with the invention of the mp3 players, I got an 80gb iPod years ago and loaded up all my cd’s and cassettes onto to it and I love it. I can take thousands of hours of music with me anywhere I go and play them and only have to carry one small little iPod. If I only still was a DJ, life would be very easy now as they have mixers which can accommodate iPods. But the iPod has saved my life at work as I listen to music all day and it makes the day go by faster.

Smart Phones.

Remember the old cell phones which had a car battery sized battery back that you had to lug around everywhere? You know the ones with the 1970’s monochrome red Radioshak calculator display? Well today cell phones are small, very small and getting smaller all the time. And they have all of these great features as well now. You can look at the internet, listen to games, text message, find directions to places, order food, and a million other things. Can you imagine how much more fun church would have been when we were kids if we had smart phones back then? You could play games, chat with other friends stuck in church as well, play on Facebook, and download pictures of hot nuns all from you pew.

Remote Controls.

I remember when I was a kid and my parents would make me go change the channel. Or go turn the tv volume up or down. I hated that shit. Then we got a tv that had a remote, but it had a cable attached to the tv, but it was only 10 foot long. And this new remote did not reach my dad’s spot on the couch, so I still had to get up and change the damn channel. Then many years later when we moved to Texas we got a nice new tv that had a remote which was a true wireless remote. It was great as I no longer had to get up to turn the volume up or down and to turn the tv off. But the cable tv box had a dial which still had to manually be changed so I still had to get the fuck up to change the channel for my lazy ass parents. Then after many years the cable company caught up with the tv companies wireless remotes. Then some more years go by and we finally got a cable box which had a wireless remote. I was in HEAVEN as I no longer had to get up and change the channel for my parents. Or so I thought, by then I was then old enough to be forced to make them each a mixed drink. Oh and instead of getting up to change the channels for them or turn the tv volume up or down after all the remotes were in our house, do you know what they had the nerve to do? You guessed it, my lazy fucking parents would ask me, “Hey can you hand me the remote that is on the tv?”

I will have some more posts about some of the things in which I think are great inventions and also some of the things which I think had no business ever being made. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

New Sexually Transmitted Diseases

I wanted to take this time to let all of you know about the recent press release put out by the Centers For Disease Control regarding the discovery of new sexually transmitted diseases.

It has recently come to light that there is a surge in the diseases of ignorance and stupidity and that they have been running rampant throughout our country and rest of the world. The University of Texas has recently discovered that there is a link between someone being stupid and having sex. Apparently this study has concluded what I already knew, and that stupidity and ignorance can be contracted by sleeping with someone who is stupid or ignorant.

Although it has been widely known that a stupid or ignorant person can pass these evil diseases onto their offspring, this new revelation is scary as stupidity kills more people annually than all other causes of death combined. And believe me when I say that there is no shortage of stupid people fucking each other. I think ignorance and stupidity are more dangerous than Aids, the clap, and herpes combined. I mean you never hear of someone with Aids walking in front of a bus or voting for an idiot in a presidential election do you?

Just think if you could stop the spread of stupidity and ignorance you could all but eliminate welfare, food stamps, housing, and pretty much every other conceivable social program known to man. Although if we were to stop the spread of stupidity and ignorance there would be no such thing as a trailer park anymore, but at the end of the day would that be such a bad thing?

So in order to stop the spread of these dangerous diseases, you should definitely practice abstinence with these people. You should also stop drinking Wild Turkey and Jack Daniels in this effort as well. And if you just have to have sex with an ignorant or stupid person, please use a full body condom.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Proud Daddy

I am a very proud dad right now (well I have always been a very proud father) and have been since last Saturday. I put my kids in soccer this fall at their request because they have watched it with me for many years and decided that they were finally ready to play.

Well this past Saturday was their 4th game of the season. My daughter’s team got beat pretty bad but they collectively played well in their defeat. My little girl played extremely well on defense and made some great plays. Her only problem is that she is bigger than most of the other girls so she is not very aggressive with the ball as she does not want to hurt any of the other girls on the field. But she got the ball down near the other team’s goal and kicked a shot on goal that was blocked and normally she would not have gone after the rebound, but I was screaming at her to keep playing on. And she must have heard me because she went for the rebound and kicked it in the net. I leaped out of my chair screaming GOAL and was almost in tears due to my happiness. My baby girl scored her first goal in soccer.

As soon as my daughters game was over it was time for my son’s game. His team was playing much better as a team than they ever had thus far in the season. They were passing the ball to each other and playing strong defense together. They had given up two goals to the other team early in the game, but had also scored two goals to tie things up. My son had taken it upon himself to be the team’s leader on the field by giving his team mates instructions on where to go and what to do during the whole game. They were tied at two goals each going into the final minute when my son stole the ball from the other team at midfield and drove the ball down the field and kicked it with some hurricane force into the net and scored. I again leaped out of my chair was screaming GOAL. My lovely son ran to the corner of the field to slide on his knees while beating his chest and then he put his hands up in the air. Shortly after that the game was over. So not only did my son score a goal which was his first goal ever in soccer, he scored the game winning goal.

So by the end of their two games I was more exhausted than my kids were and I had no voice. Me and my brother were compelled to take them out to their favorite hole in the wall burger joint for lunch after the games due to their each scoring for the first time. I could not have written a script for a better day, both of my kids each scored their very first goals in soccer. I was the proudest dad on the planet.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My Favorite Movies

Well I have noticed that many people on here from time to time publish a list of top tens. Well here is a nice list of my top ten favorite movies of all time along with a nice description of each. Some of these you may or may not agree with but all of these movies are culturally relevant. Some of them are comedies, some of them are action, some of them are dramas, but all of them are great movies just the same. So here you go, chew them up.

Man On Fire – This movie is one of the best revenge movies of all time. If you love a good action and revenge movie I high suggest you see this movie. And it also has one of my favorite actors in Denzel Washington in it.

Blazing Saddles – The title alone speaks for itself. This movie is a cornucopia of movie one liners such as “Mongo just a pawn in the game of life” and “Where’s all the white women at?” If you have never seen this movie you are either dead or have a large stick up your ass.

The Matrix – This movie was so ahead of its time when it came out. All of the special effects and all of the new ways to show fight scenes. And not to mention the story line, how can you not love this movie. I mean who doesn’t love Carrie Ann Moss in a black leather outfit.

Airplane – This movie was so damn funny as a child and I was too young to even get most of the joke as a child. The movie pushed the envelope for its time in the 1970’s in terms of humor. Just the joke with the little boy asking the little girl if she wants cream and sugar in her coffee and she replies back with “I take it black, like my men” was worth the price of admission for the movie alone. It is a cult classic for sure to say the least.

Patton – I have seen this movie so many times throughout my life, I could not even count how many times I have seen it with a calculator. There is no other World War 2 movie that can compare with this movie about the greatest US commander in history. George C Scott won an Academy Award for his portrayal of General Patton and he refused to accept it. A must see war movie for those who do not like war movies.

Star Wars – Yes no list of favorite movies of a man cannot be complete without this sci-fi movie from the 1970’s. There is really no words that I could use that can describe this movie. It is just pure awesome. Yes I know that not many women like this movie and disagree with me, but this is my list remember?

Monty Pythons The Life Of Brian – While not many people like the humor of Monty Python in the dry English sense, this movie is a classic. The movie follows the life of Brian who was Jesus’ neighbor all through his life from birth to the cross. The funniest thing in this movie is the scene at the end of the movie when the whole town is on the cross. Another classic movie to say the least.

Heat – This in my opinion is the best cops vs robbers movie ever. It is a little on the long side at over 3 hours, but it has such a great story line and plot. Just look at the all star cast in the movie with Robert Deniro, Al Paccino, Val Kilmer, Ashley Judd, and many other great actors. The bank robbery scene towards the end is the best shoot out scene ever recorded.

Spaceballs – Yes another movie from Mel Brooks is in the top ten, but due to Jewish law it had to be included. This is another gem of a movie from the man who made Blazing Saddles. And this movie like Blazing Saddles is a buffet of movie one liners. If you have not seen this movie you might be in a coma.

Aliens – This is the only movie from my childhood that ever gave me nightmares. Yes I just shared a little bit, but deal with it. This was the sequel to Alien and was I think one of the only movies to outdo as a sequel the original movie. Good special effects, a suspenseful plot, a little humor, and some ass kicking all rolled into one big ball. How can you not like a movie where someone freaks out and screams “its game over man, fucking game over”.

Well that is my little list of movies that I think deserve me mentioning to all of you eFriends out there. While you may not agree with this list, but I love each of these movies A LOT. I have all of them on DVD and have had to replace a few of them multiple times due to scratches and disintegration over time.

So your assignment is to go out and see all of these movies if you have not done so already.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Sex Tips From Dr Sammich

I said from time to time I would dish out some of my worldly advice, so here you go. Here are some sex tips for all you women whether you want them or not and they are good for you whether you are married or single. But then again if you are doing all of these things chances are very good that you are off of the market forever.

If you want your man to give you an orgasm, show him where to lick, bite, nipple, pinch, and slap. Yes us men folk do not need GPS to drive because we are born with it, but not every woman likes the same things as you do. You women have different directions to the same place, so you have to show him. If you like to be licked in a certain spot, show him where to lick. Make a huge sign with neon saying, “Lick HERE!!!” If you like to be fucked hard, tell him that you want to be fucked hard and have your head go through the wall. If you like to ride him slowly, tell him that and then show him how you can ride. If you like to be fingered, put his finger in you and show him where your g-spot is. Remember communication will solve 99% of all sexual things.

When it comes to oral sex, occasionally it would be nice to have a woman give a blowjob to completion. Don’t just suck on it for 30 seconds and then climb on it and ride it off into the sunset, no give a blowjob to completion at least once a week. Hell preferably once a day. Do it in the morning before he goes to work. He will take the trash out, have a good day at work, clean the house, cook dinner, and then fuck your brains out every night if you suck him off daily. Yes world peace can be achieved this way.

If you are having sex with a man for the first time and you are a squirter, please warn him. Nothing is more gross more exciting than giving a woman oral sex till she cums and then she squirts all over you and you wind up looking like that slimy ghost from the movie Ghostbusters. Just warn us, we don’t mind a Noah like flood in bed, but we would like to move our faces out of the line of fire or at least close our eyes.

Do not complain about the taste of the sperm. If you don’t like the taste of it, change his diet to something that will make it taste better. I mean you should be cooking for him anyways, so it is not like this is hard to do. But do not complain about the taste especially when he goes down on you when you are not summers eve fresh. We men folk have to eat that Hamburger Helper shit that you women cook all the time, so take one for the team and just do it swallow it.

Well I think that should be enough for you to ponder for one day. Next time I will tell you women how to enjoy anal sex. Till then, have some good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy cum.