A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, February 28, 2011

My Boy Blue Got Shit-Canned

Last year I wrote a nice little post about how I think that Charlie Sheen is my hero. I wrote that little piece because well Charlie gets paid to basically be himself and get paid for it on tv. A pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

A couple of weeks ago Charlie went on another one of his cocaine fueled benders and had a threesome with a couple of whores. Having a cocaine filled night of debauchery is normally a typical week day night thing for him since he has all that money to blow (and I am pretty sure that yes he has indeed done cocaine off of a stripper/hookers ass before). What was weird about the night of Roman like pleasure was that sometime during the early morning hours he checked into a hospital (maybe he had that hard on for longer than the little blue pill recommends having) and then checked into rehab after getting out of the normal hospital.

Well last week CBS came out and said that at the end of this season that they were canceling the show (you can read about it here and here). CBS said that they were canceling the balance of the show due to Charlie Sheen’s recent "statements, conduct and condition."

Recent conduct huh? He has been a partying man whore for the better part of the last 10 years or so. He was the number one customer for Heidi Fleiss. He has gotten arrested with hookers, beaten one of his wives and beat up a couple of girlfriends as well, trashed a hotel room with a hooker, and he has been mentioned on TMZ more times than any other person in recorded TMZ history. Charlie did nothing a few weeks ago that he has not done in the past since he has been the star of “Two And A Half Men” on CBS. So either you were fucking stupid, blind to his behavior, or you were too busy counting all of the fucking money that his on/off the tv set behavior was bringing into your company through the tv show.

Then it dawned on me what the recent behavior was that got him shit canned form CBS. It was the part of the cocaine sex night where he checked into rehab. Checking into rehab a few weeks ago was the only thing that he has done recently that he has not done since he has been on that tv show. Yes checking himself into rehab was over the top to CBS. Apparently they wanted Charlie to be completely off the wagon for the publicity and the interest in the show that his bad boy behavior brought to it. And we all know that a sober Charlie Sheen was/is not good enough to bring in ratings and advertising revenue for CBS (in their opinion) so they are ending the show. God fucking forbid we have a sober Charlie Sheen.

(By the way the guy who called him Wild Thing in that movie was better than Nostradamus)

Yep that is how I see it.

Well Charlie let me tell you this, Hollywood is a place full of fucktards who can’t make a decent movie/tv show if you held a gun to their pet kick dogs (one of those little dogs Paris Hilton always has shoved up her ass) head and threatened to kill them. I say fuck em’. You don’t need Hollywood Charlie, Hollywood needs you.

You Charlie are my American Hero. I think Disney Land should wrap you up in the American Flag, give you some blow and a couple of hot women, put you on a float, and parade your ass all through their park. What Disney is owned by ABC and if ABC can have a show about horny/slutty/cheating housewives, then by all means they can parade my favorite man whore hero through their park.

You are my boy blue!!!!!!

Edited to add: I would like to say that I wrote this post on Sunday and set it up for auto post for this morning prior to Charlie getting on tv this morning and sounding like a street corner crack head.

Friday, February 25, 2011


I am sorry my friends but I have been incredibly busy with work and stuff at home this week so I have not really had a chance to write some of the “deep funny” posts that you have come to expect from me. So to make up for it I am going to post an email joke I got from a coworker. I hope you enjoy it and I will try over the weekend to get some great stuff posted for you for next week.

What is the true meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

Is it to be a fireman and run inside a burning building to put the fire out?

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Bullshit........those are nothing!

THIS right here my friends is the true definition of COURAGE!!!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Got Awarded And Tagged Again

Well it has been a very busy couple of weeks for me so I am a little late in getting around to the business of blogging. I recently was awarded the “Stylish Blogger Award” by three different people within one weeks time. I was given the award to me by Okie Blogger, Bold Remarks, and by Absolutely Primed. You should go check out their blogs as they are all worthy of reading.

Thank you all three of you for the award even though I am not so sure about how my blog is “stylish” per se since I am not one of the blogs that fits the typical stereotypes of blogs. But thank you just the same.

Now the award is supposed to have some rules just like all of the other awards out there. I have to thank the people who gave me the awards which I did. I have to tell seven things about myself which I am doing below. And I have to pass the award onto 15 other people. Well I don’t have time to sit down and go through the hundreds of blogs that I read to come up with some. I am just too busy and too tired to do so. And since this award was going around like an std at a high school prom, I am going to refrain for once in passing the award onto others.

So here goes seven truthful things about me:

1. I was not one of the popular kids in high school. I was friends with almost everyone which spanned across the clicks in high school (ie cool kids, dweebs, skaters, stoners, jocks, whores, yellow bellies).

2. I am not a red neck although I do like some redneck things like Nascar and monster truck jams. I mean who doesn’t like to watch a giant ass truck run over a double wide trailer?

3. I think about weird shit all the time. Like stuff I am sure that no one else thinks about.

4. I am not a morning person. I have to drive 50 miles one way for work and I often do not remember driving most of the drive when I get to work.

5. I cannot live on this earth without coffee. If coffee were to go the way of the dinosaurs, I would have to stay home as the urge to drive people off of the road would be too great.

6. I am a hopeless romantic at heart but the same time I am the world's biggest pessimist. 

7. I am beyond glad that my kids like the same music that I do. Although I guess I could blame it on the fact that I am a selfish bastard when it comes to what I want to hear when I am in the car. Although my kids think that I am a huge ass nerd because I also listen to sports talk radio from a couple of local am stations.

In addition to being awarded recently, I have also been tagged as well. I was tagged by Jewels since I made a comment about these question and answer things being fun. And well she digs my sense of humor so she wanted to see how I would answer the questions. Like the award I won’t pass this one like a bad std.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are the members of your family? Pets in my house hold are treated just like people. They all have names and nick names as well. I have a Norwegian Forrest cat that is more human than half of the people I know and is treated better than most people I know.

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be? A nice sizeable check from the lottery folks which that one dream come true would take care of all of my other dreams which I need to have come true.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you? I hate politics and politicians of both damn parties. I am beyond sick and tired of their damn bullshit. They have ruined our country.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars? I would get the fuck out of Texas to start with. And then I would travel the world and take my kids with me. I would home school my kids myself and teach them history by taking them to actual places where history happened.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Beer normally does the trick. And when I don't have beer, humor usually works for me.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? I think giving is better than receiving. Unless you are talking about giving me a sammich and then I am a receiver.

7. What is your bedtime routine? See the question below. I spend some “quality” time with myself and then watch some tv until I pass out.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner? I am not currently in a relationship per se, but I am pretty “tight” with my left hand. Me and old lefty met in the womb.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be? I would like to see what drugs the band The Bloodhound Gang do in order to write their songs. They come up with some of the funniest songs I have ever heard.

10. What kinds of books do you read? I read mostly stuff about history. At the moment I am in the middle of reading four different books about World War 2.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time? I would just like to be able to see myself in the mirror in ten years. In other words I will be just happy to be alive. Though in ten years I want to see my kids halfway done with college and decent young people.

12. What's your fear? That I will fail as a father.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space? Me give up Buffalo Wild Wings? No fucking way. I live 20 minutes from the Johnson Space Center, that is about as close to space as I want to get. Especially considering that you get to space on something that the lowest bidder made. Not a chance in hell.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor? Well considering that I have already been married and poor, I will go with the single and rich part.

15. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? The first thing I do when I wake up is throw my alarm clock against the wall.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be? Well since I am dating my left hand, I would have to say self lubrication would be nice.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I am pretty happy with the name that I have actually. I just wish people would stop calling me Shirley.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done? I have a hard time with forgiveness. Some things in my mind are not forgivable, like what my mother did. Although I have forgiven her, she will never know my children.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Oh wow since I am hungry, I would have to go with some wings. Me and wings are in love with one another. I can put down a farm full of chickens in one sitting.

Well there you go fans of the Trash, there is some get to know you stuff. I hope you enjoyed reading my babbling bullshit and it made you giggle a little.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Who Is Afraid Of George Washington?

As today is Presidents Day here in America I thought I would ask a very special question. And that question is who is afraid of George Washington?

All through my school age years we were taught that the only people who were ever afraid of George Washington were the British who were trying to get the colonies in line. And maybe latter the Native Americans were a tiny bit afraid of George Washington. And those were the only people who we were taught that were afraid of George Washington.

Well I guess we need to update the history books to reflect a new group of people who are afraid of George Washington some 200 years after his death.

You see on MLK day back in January in Columbia, South Carolina there was a huge MLK day speech and celebration on or near the steps of the State Capital there. The event was put on and hosted by the NAACP.

And where the speaker was speaking there was a bronze statue of George Washington directly behind them. But the statue was covered up on three sides as the picture below shows.

I tried to think of why the statue of one of the most famous Americans in our history as well as our nation’s first elected President would be covered up. The only answer I could come up with was maybe they hung up some sign or banner on the wood surrounding the statue. But that was not the case.

The NAACP came out and flat out said that they statue was covered up so that no one would be offended by it.


Yes really.

Who would be “offended” by a statue of George Washington? Apparently the NAACP is offended by a dead white man.

Why would the NAACP think George Washington was offensive to people? The only reason I could think of is that because George Washington was known to have had slaves in his employment. Yes I realize that this fact could be offensive to some people, but what about the other stuff that this man did like leading the Colonial Army in defeating the British to help get our freedom from them. What about the signing of his name to the Declaration of Independence which was a death sentence to him (and the others who signed it) had the revolution failed. What about serving two terms as President of the United States and helping form our current government that has stood the test of time for over 230 years. I guess the NAACP can’t see past the fact that he was a slave owner to see the other great stuff that he did as a man and as a leader of our country.

In light of the covering up of George Washington I think we should look at MLK. It has been reported that MLK was a drinker and had also possibly cheated on his wife. Does that take away from his accomplishments that he did throughout his life? Hell no it does not in my opinion. I could care less what he did or didn’t do in his private life as what he accomplished as a man in his public life far exceeds whatever he did away from the public eye.

If the NAACP is going to allow people to be offended because George Washington was a slave owner and bypass all of the other history associated with him, then I think that they should teach people that MLK was a Republican (which it has been widely reported that he was). I think they should also teach and remind people that the KKK was started by Democrats. I think that they should teach people that it was Democrats that did tons of bad stuff to keep black people away from the voting booths in the South. And I also think that they should teach that it was Democrats during the Civil Rights movement that were opposed to any and all Civil Rights legislation that was passed in the 1960’s in the House and Senate. But I doubt that they would do that since the NAACP leans to the Democrat side of the political spectrum.

I wanted some more knowledge on the subject so I called my step dad of 20 years (who happens to be black and the grandson of a slave) to see if he could help explain this to me and give me some insight. I asked if he was offended by George Washington, and he said if someone is offended by George Washington then they are ignorant of history and lack a good education, plain and simple.

I think that the only person on this day who should/would be offended is MLK. I think he would be very pissed off if he were alive to see the statue of George Washington covered up at an event to honor MLK. We have come so far since 1968 in terms of race relations and other advancements for the black community. I mean a black man is President of the United States which is/has been described as the most powerful position in the entire world. Think about that.That is a long way to have come since 1968 don't you think.

I think if MLK were alive and saw this crap that he would tell the crowd and the NAACP that they need to focus on educating people because it appears that people have lost the true meaning of his “I Have A Dream” speech.

Friday, February 18, 2011


I sometimes feel irrelevant in life. I have spent my entire existence trying to be relevant, yet I often feel like the 6 string acoustic guitar in the corner of your room which only has 4 working strings. Everyone wants to tell others that they have you, but no one wants to pick you up, fix your two broken strings, and actually play you till their fingers bleed.

I feel like I am just not appreciated.

At work I do the work of 3 full time employees and I rarely get recognized for my valuable contributions.

At home I am just the guy who provides groceries, a roof over the head, lights to read by, clothes, does the dishes, cooking, etc. I always do nice things for my kids and take them everywhere. I coach their youth sports teams.I rarely hear a thank you.

I would say something about a social life, but alas this guy does not really have one due to working so much and being a single parent so I rarely get to hang out with friends.

Love life, yep that one is nonexistent as well since women just are not interested.

It would be nice to occasionally hear from someone who says “thank you” or “I really appreciate all that you do”. 

I know all of you people reading this appreciate me and you have said as much. I am more referring to the people that I actually see on a day to day basis.

I feel alone all the time even when I am around people. It is if I am a riding around town in Wonder Woman's jet of invisibility and no one can see me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Favorite TV Shows

A while back I posted a couple of lists of my favorite movies; well here is my list of my favorite tv shows. Some of them are really 70’s and 80’s and cheesy. But hey this is my list remember, so here you go.

Airwolf – Yes I watched err loved this show when I was a kid. I know that most of the helicopter shots of it flying were reused throughout the whole series, but I still loved it just the same. I built a Lego Airwolf and also an Airwolf from my erector set. Yes I am that old that I had an erector set.

Battlestar Galactica – The original one, not them modern one done on the sci-fi channel (although the new one was not bad either). Like Airwolf this series re-used a lot of the same shots throughout the series, but it was still good. For me this was the best all time tv show. It was a great show except for the later episodes where they actually made it to Earth.

Friends – Yes I watched this show I am sad to admit. But I only watched it because not an episode went by that I did not want to fuck Jennifer Anniston.

The A-Team – There are no words that can describe how I feel about this show, but needless to say I loved this show. Although this show taught me that people are stupid. Each episode Mr T was afraid to fly and yet every episode they drugged him and got him on a plane or helicopter. How come Mr T didn’t wise up to their tricks?

Magnum PI – This show was awesome and started my obsession with the Ferraris. And this show taught me to always have a friend who is black and knows how to fly a helicopter.

Chef Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares – Words cannot describe my love affair with this show. You get to watch Ramsey go batshit crazy and go off on some idiot cook or owner of a restaurant. And you also get to see the sad fucking state of some restaurants. I sure hope the places I eat aren’t as fucked up as the places they show on this tv show.

Two And A Half Men – You either love or hate this show, and I happen to love it. It is full of sarcasm, humor, wit, jackassholery, and women. Basically Charlie Sheen’s character is my idol on this tv show. All he does is be a jackass, drink a lot, and fuck a bunch of women. What more could you ask for in a tv show?

Miami Vice – Not a Friday night in my youth went by without me watching this show. This show had it all, hot women, fast cars, cocaine, and Ferrari’s. Oh and the music was good as well.

Sportscenter – I don’t need to say anything about this show the title speaks for itself.

Seconds From Disaster – This is a cool show on National Geographic channel that features different accidents and breaks down how and why they happened in a nice little chronological order. They have featured airplane crashes, the nuke plant in Russia blowing up, and countless other disasters of the 20th century. This tv show is a very informative show to say the least.

Sanford And Son – This was I think one of the best tv shows ever made. I used to watch this show almost every single day growing up. I loved watching Fred say “you big dummy” to his son. As an adult I still love this show and watch it as much as I can. It is funny to watch this show with my kids as I now get all of the jokes on the show, and my kids don’t get all of the jokes much like I didn’t when I was a kid.

Family Guy – This one show is probably my all time favorite as it makes fun of everything and anything. Mostly it pokes fun at all of the things I knew as I was growing up. If you can’t laugh at this show there is something wrong with you.

I hope you enjoyed this little in depth look into the mind of Oilfield Trash and some of what makes me tick.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Cupid Can Kiss My Ass

I have never really been a fan of Valentine’s Day. I think it is like most if not all other holidays (this will be a subject of a future post) in that it has lost its true meaning and has been way over commercialized. You are supposed to love, honor, respect, and so much more to/for the person that you love all year and not just on some Hallmark made holiday.

Although when I was younger I was a fan of this holiday as all I wanted was to get a special Valentine from a nice school girl classmate. That never happened. You see back in elementary school it was a rule of the class/school that if you brought Valentines cards and candy, you had to bring one for all of the kids. Yet in all my years in elementary school I went home with half of what I always took to school (read I did not receive stuff from half of the class, ie the girls). Such is life I guess.

As I got older I started to see this day for what it truly is, and that is a day designed for the ladies to feel special. Not that there is nothing wrong with that, but if there is a day for ladies to feel special why is there not a day for the guys to feel special as well? Oh I know us men folk are supposed to feel special giving women over priced flowers that will be dead before February is even over with and chocolates that on any other day of the year she would accuse of us men of trying to make her fat.

You see I have never really had much luck with this time of year. Back when I was a married fool, I took my ex out for a nice Valentines meal (it was the first post birth of kids Valentine’s Day) and gave her some overpriced jewelry. I left the next day for a 2 month trip to South America for work. A week after I left I found out my ex was cheating on me. A woman I dated after my marriage ended also cheated on me around Valentine’s Day (a friend of mine took a picture of her with some man feeling her up in bar). A woman I dated in college ditched me for her ex boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. Another woman I dated post marriage walked out on me (in the middle of the night with me asleep) a week before Valentine’s Day while I was on my death bed because of the flu. So needless to say I am a little bitter about this “holiday” and this time of year.

I guess what I am saying is that you should treat someone nice year round and not just on some holiday. If you are a bitch to a man year round, you really should not expect a shit ton of overpriced gifts on Valentine’s Day.

So if you are lucky enough to have someone in your life, treat them right. And treat them right not just on this day, but all days of the year.

As for me, I have decided that I am going to be single for life so I am not participating in this holiday. I figure I am going to save thousands of dollars over the course of the rest of my life on Valentine’s Day shit that I won’t have to buy for some woman who most likely isn’t nice year round anyways.

So while all of you (well all of you non single people) are out waiting in line for a table at an overpriced place to eat tonight, I will be at home thinking of all of you while I am eating my favorite “Hungry Man” tv dinner sitting on the couch in my boxers watching “Patton” for the 176th time.

To all of you single people, I am just as ________ (insert your choice of words) as you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Houston We Have A Problem, An Ice Problem

Last week here in Houston we had a nice little cold front blow down through here from Canada (thanks all my Canuck readers). We were told on Monday/Tuesday morning that we were going to have snow on Thursday evening and into Friday morning. Upon hearing this great news, I immediately started making plans for the apocalypse. Yes I said apocalypse as this is Houston that I live in and Houston rarely sees ice.

You see snow does not bother me at all. I grew up just outside of Pittsburgh and I have lived all over north western Pennsylvania and northern Ohio over the years, so I know all about the joys of snow. I left the north to get away from the constant monotone depressiveness of snow shoveling, snow chains, slush, and salt on the roads and moved to a place which does not have all the winter time fun stuff.

Wednesday comes around and the “weather people” are calling for the world to end and you should leave work immediately to buy every item in every store for the impending doom. My kid’s school cancelled classes on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday my office was closing at 4, which meant I was leaving work at 2pm since I was not going to be stuck on the road with 5-6 million idiots who can’t drive on snow. Yes I know that the census says only 2.5 million people live in the greater Houston area, but they didn’t count all of the illegal immigrants. My work had also cancelled work on Friday, which left my mouth watering with the fun of a snow day with my kids.

I get home on Thursday from work and the whole house is all warm and toasty from the $300 worth of firewood my brother has bought. You should see him light the fireplace; it reminds me of Tim The Toolman Taylor. The forecast had changed (yet again) and the snow was going to come over night. After hearing that the snow was going to be delayed I went to bed and passed out.

I wake up at 9 am on Friday to find no snow (think 10 percent theory).







I was pissed to the highest order of pissed-off-dom because I had a whole gallon of yellow food coloring to mess with the minds of the neighborhood kids (ok and my kids as well). I went back inside to turn on the local news which is in full blown the-earth-is-fucking-blowing-up panic mode. Apparently some warm air came up from the gulf overnight and caused us to have freezing rain/ice instead of snow. All of the roads in Houston were fucking covered in ICE.

As no stranger to ice, I knew I was not leaving home till the afternoon because of the “asshole” drivers (read southerners) that reside here in Houston. These people are fucking nuts on the roads. Nine months of the year we are blessed with the horribly powerful thunderstorms with greater than 60 mph winds. And these “asshole” drivers will get out on the freeway and do 80 mph in the downpour. So that is why I stayed home on Friday, because ice is nothing to a fucktard who does 80 mph in a downpour.

The news started showing pictures of all the local freeways covered in ice and empty. Normally I would rather have a root canal, a colonoscopy, and open heart surgery done by a Hooters girl while inside a local taco truck than drive with these assholes in rush hour. So it was a mild shock to say the least that the freeways were all empty.

Except for some of the “southerners” I mentioned early.

I guess the person who edits the captions on the local news station got "iced in".

Apparently they decided that their car is the superman car of the car world and immune from ice covered roads. Well they were wrong. I watched wreck after wreck after glorious fucking wreck on tv. LIVE. According to the “traffic” people there were roughly 900-1000 auto accidents between midnight and 11 am when the roads warmed up. Normally there are less than 90 in Houston on a normal day.

Around noon after I had gotten my fill of dumbasses on tv, I ventured out with my kids. Yes I left the house, because well by this time all of the idiots had finally listened to the advice of the news folks and stayed home. I drove my kids to the grocery store for food and it was a ghost town. I went to Home Depot for more firewood and it was empty of people (even the illegals). I then took the kids to Chick-Fila for lunch and you guessed it, it was as dead as the chicken that they were serving.

Now I know all of you “northern” friends of mine are saying that a little bit of ice ain’t shit. And normally I would agree with you. Yes you have a horrible winter time and are “used” to it. These “southerners” are not used to old man “winter”.

Look at it like this, you “northern” folks don’t have 90 plus degree heat 9 months of the year. And for the month or less you do get it, it makes national news because so many of you don’t have air conditioning. Here in Houston it is 90 plus from March until November with 1000% humidity. You “northern” folks also don’t have hurricanes to deal with. So between the heat and hurricanes, these “southerners” are even with you when it comes to winter and summer. Trust me on this. You Yankees would melt in the street here in August. I have seen it happen before; it looked like the bad guy melting in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

So why did I tell you all of this babbling bullshit? Well to spread the word that when all of the media tells you to stay the fuck home, you should listen to them and stay home. Unless you are an experienced “northerner” and leave once the jackasses hunker down and it is safe to do so.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Got Tagged At A Buck Fifty Followers

Well I woke up the other day to see a post from Mynx where she had a good “get to know you” post. The post consisted of a list of what five things you do not leave the house without having. Needless to say she some “hugely” creative answers for her five things she never leaves home without.

In the process of “answering” and participating in her post, she had to “tag” five people whose blogs amuse her to get them to answer the question as well.

So here you go now in no particular order are my five things I never leave home without.

1. I never leave home without my wallet. Now I know this is cliché, but seriously my wallet contains an American Express card so I can’t ever leave home without it. No that is not the real reason; the real reason I always keep it with me is that if I ever come down with Alzheimer’s disease I would like the proper authorities to get me back to the right house and family. Well if I did come down with it maybe they should take me to a rich families home, it is not like I would remember anyways right?

2. My car is also something I never leave home without. Another cliché one I know, but my trusty green Pontiac is a 2003 which I bought brand new and currently has 230,000 miles on her. Yes her paint is fading, but she has been getting me all over the country and back safely and smoothly for 8 years now.

3. My bat is something that is always in the trunk of my car. My Louisville Slugger is a long time friend of mine and you just never know when it may come in handy. What can I say; you always have to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse right? And what better a way to defend yourself with than a nice Louisville Slugger. Did I mention that I was a pretty good hitter back in college in softball intramurals?

4. I also never leave home without my wit. Seriously it is the most lethal weapon on the planet and yet at the very same time it can heal any wound or make someone smile. One time (back when I was married) my ex sent me to Walgreens for “feminine pads” and since I had my wit with me, I made the most of the situation. I not only got “feminine pads” but I also strolled to the checkout counter with a box of condoms, a bag of chocolate, and a bottle of KY lube. The old lady looked at me (scowling) with my odd combination of items. I looked back at her and spouted off with, “Hey it is her night for anal.” The old woman laughed and turned red as a tomato. I probably made her day in more ways than one.

5. I never leave home without my balls. Although when I was married they were theoretically in my ex’s purse sometimes, so I did leave home without them but that is besides the point here. They are attached to me and I am attached to them. And after what they have been through, I don’t leave home without them. Sorry ladies I will not be posting a picture of their smooth likeness.

So there you have the five things I never leave home without.

Now on to you ladies out there who have been waiting patiently for this post to be posted. If you have been following me for a while, you are aware that I said for every 50 followers I get, I will post a picture of myself. Last time when I got to 100 followers, I posted a picture of myself back from my days as a stripper. And at that time I promised you that if I got to 150 followers, I would post a picture from my days as an internet model sensation. I am sorry this is delayed, but I actually hit 150 followers during my Superbowl week postings and I did not want to delay them as they were timely. So here you go ladies, drool away.

Here is the picture of me back when I was an internet model. You can see all the pussy was lined up to view me back then.

I do want to take this time while you are all puking your breakfast up (after seeing that picture again I might join you) to thank you for your support. Thank you for reading my blog, and thank you commenting on my blog. I try to read as much as I can of all of your blogs, but with being so busy all the time, sometimes it is hard to get to. But I thank you for your support. When I get to 200 followers I will share another picture of myself with you. Maybe it will be from my acting days just after college.

Monday, February 7, 2011

My Superbowl Day That Was Not So Super

Well as most of you know my Steelers lost to the Packers 31-25 in yesterdays Superbowl. I had hoped that the Steelers would have pulled it out and won, but they didn’t. I am not sad that they lost, nor am I angry or bitter that they lost; after all they were in the Superbowl when 30 other teams wished they could have been there. And the game itself was a good close game, which even in a loss is still a good thing as it was a great game in my book.

My life is ruled by the 10% theory, so it should be of no shock to you that my day was not a good one (in addition to the Steelers losing).

Saturday my daughter came down with a bad case of the flu plus strep throat. She was up all night puking and coughing. And when I woke up on Sunday morning in addition to my daughter being sick, my son had also came down with the flu as well. Oh and my ex was also sick with the same stuff that my kids had, so when she came over I had 3 people useless sick people laying on my couch all day.

Because they were all sick, I had to clean up my whole house, do all of the laundry, shop for the game, cook all of the food, clean the post party mess, and pretty much do everything all by myself. And since my kids were sick, I couldn’t have all of the company over which I had planned on because they all have kids and well I just didn’t feel like serving them great food along with a few cases of the flu as well.

I also made the mistake of watching the Pittsburgh Penguins hockey game in the early afternoon. They got blown out 3-0 against the Capitals so I guess that in addition to my kids being sick, this should have been the writing on the wall for my day.

I also would like to say that I blame Ms Miley for the loss of the game because she said last week that the Steelers would play like crap. You should check out her blog and leave her some damn hate comments on her blog as she is sometimes funny and she needs more readers.

I was also kind of disappointed in the Superbowl commercials. They seemed to lack imagination in my mind. I did like the “Bud Light home remodel”, the new VW beetle one, the “Pack it in the boot” from Mini Cooper, and the “House” one where they played off of the old Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial.

I was highly disappointed in the Pepsi one where the guy was saying out loud that he wanted to sleep with his date. Seriously Pepsi kids watch the damn Superbowl and are impressionable. Shame on your for showing that commercial because both of my kids saw it and laughed. I covered my kid’s eyes and ears during the Go Daddy commercials, but I didn’t think I had to do that with a fucking Pepsi commercial. So yea Pepsi I am done with you and my 15 year love affair with Mountain Dew now. You will get no more of my money, and I will lose 50 pounds as a result.

The real reason I am sad today is that the future of the NFL is uncertain. You see the greedy NFL owners and players can’t come to an agreement to come up with a new contract for the players. I think both sides are pissing me off and just being fucking greedy. Oh well if there is a lock out they will just have pissed off a lot of fans, me included. At least the colleges and high schools won’t have a lock out next football season.

But Sunday was not a complete wash; I got a Super Blog award from Peachy. I guess she thinks I have a Super Blog. I don’t think my blog is award worthy (especially one of this significance) maybe historians one day will judge me better than I judge myself.

The best part of my day came after the game as me and my kids sprawled out on the couch together and watched Airplane (the edited version for those of you who read my rant about the Pepsi commercial) together. There is no better way to end a rough sad day than to curl up with your kids and watch a classic comedy. I always say that humor is the best medicine.

I hoped all of you enjoyed my week of Superbowl posts that I posted all week long.

Yes Nikki this is my last Superbowl related post till next year so I hope you can sleep good tonight.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Best Superbowls

Well this is the last of my Superbowl week posts. And I saved the best for last, my top 5 Superbowls that I think are the best.

Number 5 – Superbowl 27 which had the Dallas Cowboys beating the Buffalo Bills. I liked this Superbowl because I was pissed that the Bills knocked the Houston Oilers out of the playoffs as I was hoping for an all Texas Superbowl. But that didn’t happen so it was great to watch the Bills get destroyed.

Number 4 – Superbowl 42 had the New York Giants beating the New England Patriots. Since I hate the Pats I was just happy to see them lose. David Tyre’s catch towards the end of the game is in my opinion the second greatest play in Superbowl history.

Number 3 – Superbowl 44 was the New Orleans Saints playing the Indianapolis Colts. I enjoyed this Superbowl because everyone in the media had picked the Colts to win and they didn’t even come ready to play. The Saints destroyed the Colts with superior play and coaching. And the win finally got the “monkey” off of the Saints back and made the city of New Orleans forget about Hurricane Katrina.

Number 2 – Superbowl 13 was my earliest Superbowl memory. It was a pivotal matchup between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers beat the Cowboys in a shootout that saw Terry Bradshaw throw four touchdown passes and was the games MVP. A lot of people have said over the years that Terry Bradshaw was a dumb quarterback, but if you look at some of the passes he threw and completed, he is a damn good quarterback.

Number 1 –Superbowl 43 was in my mind the best Superbowl ever. It was the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Arizona Cardinals. The Steelers played a great game and was able to pull off the win by going on a "length of the field" come from behind touchdown drive that ended with (in my opinion) was the greatest Superbowl play in history when Santonio Holmes caught the touchdown pass on his tippy toes to win the game. Also James Harrison ran an interception back for a touchdown 100 yards at the end of the first half which set a record for the longest touchdown play in Superbowl history. Even if you disagree with me on the ranking of this one, Santonio Holmes play at the end of the game has been ranked by a ton of people as the greatest play in Superbowl history.

So there is my list of the Top 5 best Superbowls. I hoped you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed my week of Superbowl nonsense.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Best Superbowl Halftime Shows

Since it is Superbowl week all week long here on my blog, I thought I would give you my list of the top 5 best Superbowl Halftime shows of all time.

Number 5 – I had to include Michael Jackson since this was at the peak of his career before he became an old creepy guy.

Number 4 – The Rolling Stones, enough said.

Number 3 – Now I know that he did the “pre-game” performance, but I love me Santana. And Michelle Branch is just drop dead beautiful so I threw it in here. And I love her voice.

Number 2 – I thought the tribute that U2 did to the events and victims of 9/11 was beyond very classy.

Number 1 – Nothing says “Divine” intervention better than this one. Prince was singing “Purple Rain” while it was raining and there were purple lights on. It was just meant to be.

Well there you have it, my list of the top 5 Superbowl halftime shows. Hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Best Superbowl Commercials

In keeping with my theme of Superbowl for the week, I give you my top 5 favorite Superbowl commercials. I am sure that there are ones which you feel are better than these, but keep in mind this is my list and what I find funny.

Number 5 – This is the ad that Lindsay Lohan sued over. I still find it funny. Milka-what?

Number 4 – Who doesn’t like Betty White?

Number 3 – Terry Tate was hilarious in this commercial.You will have copy and paste the link for this one since the "embedding" was disabled.


Number 2 – Now of course I had to have a Steelers related commercial on this list.

Number 1 – This one is hilarious. No comment is necessary for it, as it speaks for itself.

I hope you enjoyed this little list of my favorite Superbowl commercials.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy Groundhog Day

I would like to take a moment to tell you about one of my favorite days of the year, and that is February 2nd, which to us “Yankees” is Groundhog Day.

All the people who live up north in the United States know all about Groundhog day and swear by it, but some of you outside of the Northern part of our country (or outside of the United States even) may not be aware of this days actual vital importance dating back to the 18th century.

As some of you may have heard about, each year on February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania the whole world descends on this tiny little town (two hours north of where I grew up) to see the ultimate weatherman. The town’s people drag a little furry guy (ie groundhog) out of a wooden stump. And according to legend if the groundhog (named Punxsutawney Phil) sees his shadow because it is sunny and clear outside, then that means he runs back inside his stump and proclaims there to be six more weeks of winter. However if the ground hog comes out and it is cloudy, then it means an early spring.

Basically in addition to the prediction of the end of winter, the town also has a huge festival to go along with Groundhog Day (think Mardi Gras but with Polka music, and no boobs shown for beads because it is too damn cold). The town parties for a week before and a few days afterwards. It really is a huge event. I want to travel there one day both during the festivities and during the summer when it is actually warm.

I am sure some of you are asking well what the hell does this have to do with the Superbowl since you said that all week you were posting about the Superbowl. Well I will tell you.

You see this morning Punxsutawney Phil came out of his wooden stump and saw a shadow. But it was not his shadow that he saw. Phil saw the shadow of the Lombardi Trophy (the trophy given to the winner of the Superbowl). Sometimes Phil predicts the outcome of the Superbowl in addition to the weather (in years that the Steelers are in the Superbowl). And this year he saw the shadow of the Lombardi Trophy. You see Phil is not just a weatherman, but he is also a Steelers fan since he lives in Pennsylvania.

Sorry my “Yankee” friends but the Steelers are winning the Superbowl and you have 6 more fucking weeks of global warming winter because Punxsutawney Phil saw a shadow.

I would also like to recommend that if you have not seen one of my favorite movies “Groundhog Day” then you need to go and watch it (why the fuck haven’t you seen this movie-it is FUCKING GREAT). It has Bill Murray in it and it is the best movie Bill Murray has ever done, and he has done some great ones. And if you saw the movie and didn’t like it, please remove the stick from your ass and go watch it again because it is fucking hilarious.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Great Inventions #4 – The Superbowl Edition

Well here is another in my series of Great Inventions that have come about during my lifetime. I didn’t invent these things, I am just writing about them to remind you my reader of their greatness. And this week we are focused on the Superbowl.

Big Screen Televisions.

Big screen televisions were invented solely for Superbowl Sunday. If you don’t believe me, then why is it that most of the televisions sold in America are sold in the two weeks before the Superbowl? Exactly, there is a reason for the large number of televisions sold in this country. The first reason is the Superbowl and all of the other reasons don’t matter to me. The big screen television was invented because everyone wanted to see the game on something bigger than a 36” television. This guy who invented the big screen is my hero and I don’t even know who he is (although it would be funny if he were Japanese and didn’t even like football).

Instant Replay.

Now I know some of you are thinking that instant replay is not a good thing, but I think it is. I would rather have a blown call on the field get reversed by instant replay even if it goes against my team as long as it was the correct call. Hell if instant replay existed back in the 1970’s, the “immaculate reception” would have never have happened as it would have been called back. But needless to say most of the time, instant replay gets it correct in the NFL. If it were not for instant replay I am pretty sure the refs would have blown the best catch ever in Superbowl history two years ago when Santonio Holmes caught that ball in the corner of the end zone which allowed the Steelers to win it with 45 seconds to go. Enough said.

 Inflatable Chairs.

Now if you have never watched a Superbowl from an inflatable chair, then you just ain’t living your life correctly. Back when I was a young college bachelor, I went through tons of these chairs. They even got better as the years went on. Some models started including beer holders in the arms of them. The companies who made them even started using better materials so that they lasted longer. I went at least eight straight years with one of these in my apartment. They are cheap, easy to move, and make for great pranks when you want to push someone out of a chair during the game.

Helmet Salsa Holders.

There is no better a way to put salsa or cheese dip in than a football helmet. You can incorporate your favorite team into your snacking during the big game. They literally have hundreds of different football teams helmets made into salsa holders. Not only are you supporting your team with one of these helmets, but you don’t have to get up as many times to refill it since it holds a lot of salsa.


I know what you are thinking here, "Hey Trash, women weren’t invented during your lifetime." Yes I am aware of that fact, but someone has to do the cooking of all the damn food for the big game. And for this fact alone, women are a great Superbowl invention. 

Well there you have it, another post in my series of great inventions.

(By the way, the part about the women is a joke for those of you without a sense of humor.)