A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Wild Thing Was On The Juice

I have made it no secret that I think Charlie Sheen is cool or at least used to be before he went off of the deep and lost his job. I also have told you that you can party like Charlie and how he made a cocaine tour stop here in Houston.

Well one thing I have never told you is that I used to think he was a good actor. You know the kind of actor I am talking about, the ones who really put themselves into their role. Like how an actor who plays a homeless person will live on the streets for a while to get the real life experience or how an actor will gain weight to portray an overweight person.On a side not I would like to know what Natalie Portman did to prepare for that lesbian scene in Black Swan.

Well I am here to tell you that Charlie hooked on drugs Sheen is one of those actors. According to the paper yesterday back when they were filming the movie Major League, Charlie was on steroids for six weeks to improve his pitching.

He increased the speed of his fast ball from 79 to 85 miles per hour which is why he took the steroids in the first place, to make your movie more realistic.

Apparently steroids do work and help pitchers. If it helped Charlie so much, I wonder how much steroids helped Roger Clemens?

So there you have it, Charlie Sheen is a good method actor who researches his roles. But you already knew that since he played a drunk manwhore on Two And A Half Men although I thought I would just remind you.

We need more method actors like that.I am talking to you Lindsay Lohan.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Weiner Has A First Name

It is Anthony.

You remember that song for the Oscar Meyer hot dogs right?

Anyways, if you did not already know it Congressman Anthony Weiner (no joke here that is really his name) was recently busted for sending naughty pictures of his weiner to a large number of ladies across America.

First it came out that he had sent a topless picture of himself to a college student in Washington State. When that hit the news, Weiner said that his phone was hacked and someone sent it to the lady.

Then he came out of said that the picture was not him and that someone stole his phone and sent it. Yet he never contacted police.

A week later it came out that he sent more nekkid pictures of himself to a woman here in Texas. He then denied it and said that it was not him.

Later on he said the picture may have been him, but someone else had sent it.

After another week more women came forward with pictures of his weiner that Weiner had sent to them. One woman even had a transcript of his yahoo chat with him.

Weiner then came out and admitted that he had lied the whole time and that he was sorry he had done it. What he meant to say was that he was sorry that he got caught.

He then said he was going to check himself into rehab for what happened. I laughed because I did not know that they could treat “dumbass” in rehab. He should have taken his 534 colleagues from Congress with him if they can indeed treat “dumbass”.

And a couple of weeks ago Weiner resigned from Congress.

Now I am not mad at him for sending pictures of his weiner to ladies, I mean whatever floats your boat. I am not even mad at him for lying to the public during his press conference. I mean if you look at the job description for a politician it has lie, cheat, and steal as numbers one through three for their responsibilities.

I am mad at him for not being a better liar. I mean we hold politicians to a very high standard of lying here in this country. His lies were pretty weak in my opinion. He went through the trouble to lie to the American people, why didn’t he lie to the women he was sending a picture of his weiner to? Hasn’t this guy ever heard of a fake yahoo email address or about lying about who you are online? You could lie to us but not the skanks you emailed your weiner to? Weiner has no common sense when it comes to lying and this is why he should have resigned instead the reasons he listed for doing so.

I am also a little mad at him because he was married. He has a smoking hot wife at home and he was sexting with multiple women and taking pictures of his weiner and sending it to them. If I was married to that hot lady, my penis would never be out of her vagina long enough to take a picture of it. Here is another man in a position of power cheating on his lady (yes what he did is cheating in my book), and a beautiful lady at that. Sheesh.

I do find all of this very funny though given that his last name is Weiner. You couldn’t write better shit than this if you were comedian. On a side note, Anthony Weiner looks a lot like Beavis don't you think?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hey Blogger, Can I Ask You A Question?

Dear Blogger,

I know that we have already had a couple of chats now. We talked about how you got drunk one night and didn’t show up to work and we have talked about how you could improve yourself.

I want to now talk to you about awards.

I love getting awards from my followers and posting about them. Most of the awards are given out in such a way that you know why you are getting them and how you were chosen to receive said awards.

I am just curious about how you go about BON’ing people. You know the Blogs Of Note that you post about. How do you go about picking a blog for this distinguished honor? I have looked at a lot of the blogs that you have BON’d and I can’t find a single way that you pick them.

I have noticed that the number of followers can be very low or very high for a blog that you pick. Some of the blogs have a lot of posts and some of them have very little posts. I have seen that some of the blogs you have picked have just started blogging and some have been around for years. I have also noticed that you pick some blogs that are here on blogger and others that are not even related to blogger.

Some of the blogs have been worthy of being BON’d while some of the others have not in my mind been worthy. I mean you BON’d the Netflix blog for fucks sake.

Can you just tell me how you go about picking a blog to be BON’d? Because I can’t for the life of me figure out your selection process. Do you just get drunk and blindly pick them or is there some actual process that you go through?

We are all curious.

Thanks a lot.

Your Pal,

Oilfield Trash

Monday, June 27, 2011

Ban Lemonade

A little over a week ago the US Open golf tournament took place just outside of Washington DC in Bethesda, Maryland.

Sometime during the tournament, a group of kids decided to set up shop just outside the golf course and sell lemonade. In this country having a lemonade stand is a rite of passage as lemonade and lemonade stands are just as American as apple pie, baseball, and hot dogs are.

The aforementioned kids were going to sell the lemonade in bulk (they had coolers and coolers) and donate all of the money to children’s charities. Seems like a noble cause right?

That is until the Montgomery County stepped in and shut down the kids lemonade stand. You see the county had placed a ban on vendors within county limits. The county officials also slapped the kids parents with a nice little $500 fine for the “violation”. The county said the ban was in place due to all of the traffic and congestion surrounding the golf course where the tournament was located.

And while the county was shutting down the kids lemonade stand, the county was selling hundreds of vendor permits to local home owners at $300 per permit that would allow the home owners to charge people attending the tournament for parking on their property. Some of the home owners reportedly made over $10,000 over the course of the four day golf tournament.

The inspector who shut the kids down was quoted as saying, “Cute little kids making five or ten dollars is a little bit different than making hundreds.”

So little kids can’t sell lemonade to raise money for charity because you won’t give them a permit, but you will let home owners buy a permit to make thousands of dollars for themselves. Make money for charity is bad and making money for your selfish ass self is perfectly ok.

Congratulations Montgomery County officials, you are officially a huge bunch of fucking douche bags.

At least you taught these young kids how fucked up government bureaucracy can be. I wonder if the kids were selling the lemonade for their own profit if they would have allowed them to keep their stand up and running.

And some of my readers wonder why I detest local, state, and federal government.

Well when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and sell it at a lemonade stand. But make sure you have a fucking permit first.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dirty Blog? Clean It. Or Not.

There is this little website going around right now where you can paste the link to your blog and it will tell you if your blog is clean or dirty.

Well if you have been reading my blog for a while now you know my blog is not exactly “clean”.

But I went and checked it out anyways, and well the result was what I already knew and that was that my blog is “dirty”. Everyone act shocked.

You can check your blog for yourself by going here.

Anyways I just wanted to say that I am sorry that I have not blogged at all this week. I normally write all of my posts for the week during the weekend, but this past weekend I worked and I was super busy. And there was Father’s Day as well where I was also super busy. And this week work has been working me like Pharaoh did the people who built the pyramids.

Hopefully I will be able to get back to being a supreme smart ass for you soon.

Friday, June 17, 2011

There Has Been A Pigskin Sighting

This past Saturday night there was an incredible sighting of the pigskin that has been missing since January.

You see each year in June there is a high school football game held here in Houston called the Bayou Bowl. This game consists of graduating seniors and all stars from the Houston area versus all stars from Louisiana.

The kids participating in the game are here for a week before the game and in addition to practicing the week before they game, they often get to do a lot of fun activities in the area as well. It is almost like a vacation for them.

The Bayou Bowl is often made up of some players from each state that do not yet have a scholarship. So in addition to playing one more high school football game, this game gives some players a chance to possibly get a college football scholarship as there are tons of college scouts in attendance.

So since the game was just a short hop, skip, and a jump from my house, I had to go get my football fix. I packed up myself, my son, and my adopted son (my son’s best friend from school) and we headed off to the game.

It was a great night for football despite the heat wave we have been experiencing here in Houston. It was about 80 degrees in the stands as there was a strong breeze blowing. We consumed a ton of soft drinks, hot dogs, popcorn, and nachos. It was a pure guy’s night at a high school football game.

The game was decent at best since there was a good bit of sloppy play. But since these kids have not played any ball since November or December it was understandable. But I have always been a firm believer that bad football is better than no football at all.

The Texas team came up short and lost to Louisiana 30 to 23, but I was not sad one bit as I got to see my old friend football once again.

This is the ninth year for the Bayou Bowl and since its inception I have only missed two games. I love having this game here in Houston as it means a nice easy Saturday night of football in the midst of the drought of games between the last game and the start of the next season.

This game also serves as a reminder to me that high school and college football season is just a mere short two and a half months away.

For three hours this past Saturday night, I was in heaven.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Winner Winner Zombie Dinner!

Last week I wrote a review of my friend Jason’s new book that he has written about zombies. The name of the book is “The Dying Of The Light:End”. The book is pretty awesome.

You can buy the book through the publisher’s website for a paperback copy. Or you can buy the Kindle version here for only FOUR bucks. Yes I said FOUR BUCKS!!!

In that post I announced that I would be doing my first giveaway here on Make Daddy A Sammich by giving away a copy of the zombie book.

So on Sunday night I wrote down all of your names who wished to participate in the giveaway. I then cut out the names of all you who wanted in and placed them in a green plastic cup.

I then put on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” song on my laptop and made my kids walk around like zombies. Yes I know “Thriller” was about werewolves, but that is not important right now. So after making my kids walk around like zombies while listening to “Thriller” for five minutes, I let my daughter stop and pick one person’s name out of the cup.

And the name that my daughter picked was………………….

Bushman over at "The High Cost Of This Low Living" is the official winner. So please go check out his blog. I will be contacting Bushman soon to get his address to mail him the copy of the book. As soon I as get the book in my hands, I will be sending it out.

Thank you to all of you for supporting my friend by liking his facebook page, buying his book, and spreading the word about his book through your peoples. I really appreciate of all your help. And thank you for participating in my very first blog give away.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Hey You! Yes You, Check Out This Blog.

I want all of you Trashy readers to go check out a blog that I follow which is very well written and pretty funny.

The blog is “Just The Cheese” written by Powder Toast Man. The blog is a lot like mine in the humor sense and he writes about “randomness at its best and reviews you can’t use”.

Anyway Powdered Toast Man was in college this past semester and did not have much time to blog and lost a lot of his readers, so I am trying to lure you fine people over to his blog.

Right now he has a really good series which just started over at his blog which is battle of the Sesame Street Characters.

So stop by his blog and show him some love as his blog is pretty good and funny as well.

Thanks a lot.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Free Food, Why Thank You

I am not sure if you have read this story or heard about it on the news.

Up in Michigan a man won $2 million dollars in some kind of lottery. This was pretty cool if you ask me, and I am a little bit jealous to be honest with you.

The messed up part of all of this is that despite winning $2 million dollars, the State of Michigan is not cutting off his food stamps. Wait Oilfield Trash did you just say that this guy won $2 million dollars and is still getting food stamps? Why yes I did just say that.

I have a couple of problems with this whole thing.

First the federal government has guidelines and rules that govern the food stamp program as far as eligibility goes. You have to apparently be under a certain dollar amount of income in order to qualify for the free food stamp program. Federal rules do not count lottery or gambling winnings towards the income amount used to determine income eligibility requirements for food stamps. And as such the State of Michigan could not revoke this man’s food stamps. For those of you who think that the government is the best thing on the planet and should completely run our lives, where is the common sense in this fucking mess? There are people who need food stamps and we are using our tax dollars to buy the groceries of a fucking lottery winner. Shouldn’t government “regulations” make sense because this one does not make sense to me at all?

The second problem I have with this is the guy who won the lottery to begin with. He has told the media, “If you are going to…try to make me feel bad, you aren’t going to do it.” You got a million fucking dollars after tax and you don’t have any problems with taking my tax dollars on groceries you are more than capable to afford. You sir are a complete fucking douche bag in my opinion. Sadly our country is full of people like this who apparently have no conscious what so ever.

This ladies and gentlemen are two problems of just a million or so that our country faces today. The fucked up government and douche bags with no sense of right and wrong. Now I know that this guy has only taken a thousand or so dollars in free “money” but that is beside the point, this shit adds up. And given our countries dire financial circumstances at the moment, this jackass should be forced to repay what benefits he has received.

Just because you can do something, does not mean that you should do it.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Fathers Day Gifts

Well in case you didn’t know it, Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday. So now is the time to get yourself up off of the couch and get your dad a nice little something for Father’s Day.

I am here to help you give you a little advice in getting your dad a gift. Now this advice is not for buying a dead beat douche bag father a gift. This advice is for getting a gift for the fathers out there that have and continue to handle their business. And chances are since he is such a hard working man; he is not appreciated throughout the year so make this gift a nice one.

Now if you are buying your dad a gift or if you are a woman buying your husband a gift from you and the kids whatever you do follow this advice. Do not under any circumstances buy him a god damned neck tie. Seriously no man likes and enjoys wearing a tie; men only wear them when they have to wear them. You show me a man who enjoys wearing a neck tie and I will show you a man who needs a vasectomy performed by me kicking him in the balls. Women don’t like to wear tampons because they want to; they wear them because they have to. Now you wouldn’t buy a woman a box of tampons for Mother’s Day would you? So don’t even think about buying a neck tie for your dad for Father’s Day.

Since neck ties are out, you should get your dad something that he likes. You should already know what you dad likes, and if you don’t shame on you.

If he likes to fish, get him some fishing related stuff or get him a gift card to some place like Academy or Bass Pro Shops. If he likes movies, get him a Netflix membership or a gift card so he can buy some movies. Basically what I am saying is that you should get him something that he actually likes and that is practical in the sense that he will actually use it.

In addition to getting him a gift, you should also cook him his favorite meal. Or take him out to his favorite restaurant to eat. And let him be completely lazy on Father’s Day as well. He should not have to do anything at all but be lazy and enjoy the day.

And if you can’t find him a decent gift, then you could always get him a gift card to his favorite strip club so he can get a lap dance and some beer since chances are if he is married he isn’t getting any love at home. You know because nothing says Happy Fathers Day like a lap dance and a nine dollar Bud Light.

So there you have it, happy shopping!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Zombies Are Here

A while back I told you about how my friend Jason has written a fiction book about zombies. Well I finally got my hands on a copy of the book a couple of weeks ago and just finished reading it this past weekend.

The book is called “The Dying Of The Light:End” and I must say that it is very good.

It opens by giving you some back ground history on zombies and how long they have been really been around. The book then chronicles the only survivor of a zombie outbreak in Colorado named David Blake.

From there the action picks up with the formation of a special group assigned to killing zombies. From that point forward it is some good zombie killing action with all hell breaking loose.

I don’t want to give away too much about the book because I want you to read it. The book is good and has something for everyone. It has zombies, action, drama, humor, suspense, conspiracy, religious nuts, and pretty much everything that you would expect from a good zombie book.

The book was really easy to read and I could not put it down until I finished it. And that is saying a lot since I normally can’t read a whole book cover to cover in one sitting. Although I am no literary critic, I liked the book. The book was well researched and the author did his home work when he wrote the book. It was also very well written.

The book was well worth the time spent in reading it, and I am recommending it to you.

Please go and “like” Jason’s facebook page. And you can purchase the book in print form here or in kindle version here.

And since I am appreciative of all of my followers and your efforts to spread the word about my friend’s book, I am going to give away a copy of the book here (which is my very first giveaway).

To win a copy of “The Dying Of The Light:End” I only ask that you be a follower of mine and in addition to whatever comment you leave for this post, simply say “Free Zombie” as well.

I will print off a little piece of paper with the name of each contestant and pull the winner from a hat. Or some other type of container. And I will let one of my kids pick the winner, so cross your fingers.

I will leave this contest open until Sunday night and I will post the winner next week.

So please get out the word about my friends book and go buy it!!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hey Blogger, We Need To Talk. Again.

Dear Blogger,

I know this is the second time I have had to have a little “chat” with you in the last month, but you keep on having problems.

You see people have been trying to leave comments on my blog, and they haven’t been able to. And people have been trying to respond to my comments on their own blogs and they can’t.

Now I realize you have been on a month long drunken Charlie Sheen like bender celebrating the end of winter, but can you please check yourself into rehab? Or at least get someone to fill for you when you are too fucking drunk to do your job.

While I am offering some support to you in terms of getting your act together, I want to offer you some suggestions. Would it be too much to ask for you to do some simple technological improvements? I thought so.

When people have “comment moderation” set to on so they can approve each comment, would it be too much to ask that you disable the “comment captcha” shit? I mean if they are approving each and every comment to their blog, I shouldn’t have to type in the damn words to get my post to be accepted. It should be one or the other, but not both at the same time.

While we are on the subject of the “comment captcha” shit, would it be ok with you for you to change it up a bit? I mean if I am a frequent visitor and commenter to a blog, could you make it to where I don’t have to type in that damn little word in the box? That would be a pretty easy thing to do if you could sober up long enough.

Can you set up a comment notification thing similar to how it is on Facebook? I mean it is a pain in the ass to “subscribe by email” to each and every single post to see the comments to my comments on other peoples blogs. I have an email address for work I have to check, I have my personal one to check, I also have the one for my blog which I have to check, but I don’t ever check my g-mail. NEVER. I only have it because it was required to set up my account here. I don’t think it would be too hard to set up this item, I mean if that Zuckerberg fucker can set it up for Facebook, I think you could set it up here.

Well I think that is enough for you to work on for now. So sober your ass up and get busy on my list of demands improvements. Don’t start to compete with Comcast as the king of the douche bags.

Your Friend,

Oilfield Trash.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Can You Please Turn The Oven Off?

In case you were not aware of it, summer time has arrived here in Texas. In the last two weeks it has been above 95 degrees every day with 100% humidity. And the night time low has not gone below 75 degrees.

On Saturday the thermometer on my front porch reached 100 degrees. On Sunday the thermometer reached 101 degrees. Now keep in mind that my thermometer is in the shade on my porch, so I am sure that it was hotter than that. Actually the news said it was officially 105 degrees. And when you factor in the heat index of 110 degrees on Sunday, it was hot as hell. This heat which is here now will be here until at least November or December depending on what that psychotic Mother Nature bitch does this year.

It is not just the fact that it is hot here; we are also in the middle of a drought. It has not rained at my house since mid February. No I am not kidding here, I wish I was kidding.

It is so dry here that the grass/ground has a quarter inch crack between it and the side walk. It looks like it has been neatly trimmed up by a weed eater, but it hasn’t. In addition to those cracks, the ground has a nice one inch space between the foundation of my house and the ground. You see when it gets this dry and hot the ground around here shrinks.

As if the drought and foundation problem is not bad enough, the local government is thinking about banning the sale of fireworks for the Fourth of July due to the extreme drought we are in. You can’t have Fourth of July without shooting roman candles off at your friends while in a drunken stupor.

Now some of you are saying, “Hey trash, why you bitching about the weather?” Well plain and simple, it is fucking hot that is why. I know the “Southern” folk who read this blog understand what I am saying and how I feel. But you “Northern” folks don’t understand. I don’t like summertime, I like wintertime. And while I have sympathy for all of you “Northern” folk during the wintertime when you all are complaining about the cold, wind, and snow, you don’t know what I am going through.

Let me make it simple for you. When it is 20 degrees below zero outside, you can add all kinds of layers of clothing to keep warm. Down here during the summer I could walk down the street stark naked and it will still be boiling-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk fucking hot outside; regardless of what I am wearing or not.

I miss you winter. I mean it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 4

Here is another post from my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you some of my funny or smart ass posts on Facebook.

I was in Game Stop last night with the kids when I noticed that they had a "Michael Jackson:The Experience" PS3 game. How can it be a Michael Jackson game and not come with Jesus juice, one glove, a monkey, and an inflatable 9 year old boy?

I think all of the people who are against abortion should be forced to eat dinner at least once in their life at a Cici's Pizza.

For those of you that are sad that the rapture didn't come, cheer up it's not the end of the world.

I wonder if Arnold Schwarzenegger would have made his mistress have an abortion would he have said right after the procedure, "Hasta La Vista, Baby".

No rapture huh? There went my plan of looting Specs Liquor and Best Buy.

Ladies and gentlemen, that sound you hear is thunder. The stuff you see falling from the sky is rain. Yes I know these two events combined are something you have not seen in many many months, but it is not the end of the world.

Post rapture party starts tonight around 7pm at a yet to be determined strip club since I am fairly certain the strippers will still be here after 6pm.

Dear Monday, can you please do all of us a favor and go fuck yourself. Thanks.

If Muslims could smell this ham that is cooking in my oven, I am pretty sure they would re-think that whole "I can't eat a pig" thing.

After being outside playing with my kids all day I have come to a conclusion. They really need to make Big Wheels for adults.

Al-Qaida on Friday confirmed the killing of Osama bin Laden and warned of retaliation, saying Americans' "happiness will turn to sadness". - I was married once; there is nothing that Al-Qaida can do to me that was worse than my marriage.

These rain clouds are more teasing than a stripper in the club on a Friday night. Do I have to wave a few dollar bills to get some rain?

How is Christina Aquilera on a damn singing show when she can't even sing a simple song like the National Anthem?

The only thing the damn Easter Bunny left me was the bill for all of the shit the kids got and the bill for the meal that I have to cook. Thanks you little fucker, when I catch you I am making stew out of your ass.

I wonder if Muslim men get to see their future bride without the burka on before the wedding. I mean imagine the surprise when you get home after the wedding, and pull off the burka for the first time, and she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker on a bad day.

Well until next time…..