Happy Boxing Day

Well today is Boxing Day throughout the world, and I thought I would say Happy Boxing day and give you a little history lesson in the process. No Boxing Day is not the one day a year that you are allowed to punch your spouse, so calm down. But it would be fun if Boxing Day was like that huh? Anyway here is the real history of Boxing Day.

It was a cold and wintery day after Christmas back in the worst winter on record in Canada back in 1983. You see a man was frustrated at the lack of imagination of his wife’s gift giving skills in the gifts she always got her husband for Christmas. He was angry that every year his wife got him a new golf club. Who can play golf in the fucking snow he asked himself. She also got him other useless shit for Christmas such as ties (he worked in a factory), a set of ball warmers (he lost both his balls to cancer years ago), a bunch of chocolate (he was diabetic and couldn’t eat it), a copy of the Mormon Bible (he is Jewish), and other less exciting Christmas gifts that he could never use or want.

He had reached his breaking point of shitty thoughtless gifts. He told his wife that he was going to drive her sorry ass back to the store where she had purchased all of those “thoughtful” gifts and exchange them for something that he could actually use. So they got in the car and ventured to the mall. He then had a bright idea on the way there and thought to himself that he was not the one who caused all of this mess so he dropped her off at the mall and headed to a local pub.

While at the mall, the wife was angry because the crowds were so damn huge inside of every store with other disgruntled women returning stupid shit they had bought their husbands. While inside of one store the wife had also reached her breaking point when an 80 year old woman cut in front of her in the checkout line at Woolworths. She lost it and asked the old woman, “go to the back of the line old bitch.” To which the old woman replied back, “fuck off you young whore”. The angry wife in turn punched the fuck out of the old woman and the fight was on. The old woman punched the wife back and they fought for 12 rounds with both women landing some damaging punches. The old woman lost her dentures in the fight, and the wife lost her decency during the fight as well as her glasses. While the fight was on, another woman picked up the gifts that the wife was about to purchase and added them to her basket. The wife saw this treachery and then punched the gift thief in the mouth. The fight had escalated even further, the cops were called, and it was all caught on tv as there was a local tv station there interviewing the post Christmas day shoppers.

Meanwhile the husband was at the pub across the street drinking beer with other men-folk. All of the men were discussing how thoughtless all of their wives were in getting them shit for Christmas that was neither wanted nor useful. All of a sudden the tv inside the pub broke off coverage of the curling championships and went live to the mall across the street where in Woolworths the riot police were trying to break up a fight which had broke out. The man saw his wife being restraining by the police while she was screaming “fuck you, you old ass cunt.” The husband shouted out, “What the fuck was my wife thinking in fighting someone?” He was now pissed off because not only was he left with no damn gifts, but he also had to bail his wife out of jail. An old man at the end of the bar said, “Look here young man, I have been fighting with that old bitch who your wife just beat up for 60 years now, and I have always wanted to punch her. Let me buy you a drink son.”

You see Boxing Day is all about the women going shopping and the men going to a pub. And there is the real history of how Boxing Day was started.

No I am talking out of my ass, I have no clue how Boxing Day came about and how it was started, but it sure would be funny if it was started like how I just described. But remember that while all of you are out shopping in the cold frigid weather, I am sitting on my couch in my boxers, eating yummy Cajun leftovers, drinking beer, and watching football in front of my warm fireplace.