A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happy Boxing Day

Well today is Boxing Day throughout the world, and I thought I would say Happy Boxing day and give you a little history lesson in the process. No Boxing Day is not the one day a year that you are allowed to punch your spouse, so calm down. But it would be fun if Boxing Day was like that huh? Anyway here is the real history of Boxing Day.

It was a cold and wintery day after Christmas back in the worst winter on record in Canada back in 1983. You see a man was frustrated at the lack of imagination of his wife’s gift giving skills in the gifts she always got her husband for Christmas. He was angry that every year his wife got him a new golf club. Who can play golf in the fucking snow he asked himself. She also got him other useless shit for Christmas such as ties (he worked in a factory), a set of ball warmers (he lost both his balls to cancer years ago), a bunch of chocolate (he was diabetic and couldn’t eat it), a copy of the Mormon Bible (he is Jewish), and other less exciting Christmas gifts that he could never use or want.

He had reached his breaking point of shitty thoughtless gifts. He told his wife that he was going to drive her sorry ass back to the store where she had purchased all of those “thoughtful” gifts and exchange them for something that he could actually use. So they got in the car and ventured to the mall. He then had a bright idea on the way there and thought to himself that he was not the one who caused all of this mess so he dropped her off at the mall and headed to a local pub.


While at the mall, the wife was angry because the crowds were so damn huge inside of every store with other disgruntled women returning stupid shit they had bought their husbands. While inside of one store the wife had also reached her breaking point when an 80 year old woman cut in front of her in the checkout line at Woolworths. She lost it and asked the old woman, “go to the back of the line old bitch.” To which the old woman replied back, “fuck off you young whore”. The angry wife in turn punched the fuck out of the old woman and the fight was on. The old woman punched the wife back and they fought for 12 rounds with both women landing some damaging punches. The old woman lost her dentures in the fight, and the wife lost her decency during the fight as well as her glasses. While the fight was on, another woman picked up the gifts that the wife was about to purchase and added them to her basket. The wife saw this treachery and then punched the gift thief in the mouth. The fight had escalated even further, the cops were called, and it was all caught on tv as there was a local tv station there interviewing the post Christmas day shoppers.


Meanwhile the husband was at the pub across the street drinking beer with other men-folk. All of the men were discussing how thoughtless all of their wives were in getting them shit for Christmas that was neither wanted nor useful. All of a sudden the tv inside the pub broke off coverage of the curling championships and went live to the mall across the street where in Woolworths the riot police were trying to break up a fight which had broke out. The man saw his wife being restraining by the police while she was screaming “fuck you, you old ass cunt.” The husband shouted out, “What the fuck was my wife thinking in fighting someone?” He was now pissed off because not only was he left with no damn gifts, but he also had to bail his wife out of jail. An old man at the end of the bar said, “Look here young man, I have been fighting with that old bitch who your wife just beat up for 60 years now, and I have always wanted to punch her. Let me buy you a drink son.”

You see Boxing Day is all about the women going shopping and the men going to a pub. And there is the real history of how Boxing Day was started.

No I am talking out of my ass, I have no clue how Boxing Day came about and how it was started, but it sure would be funny if it was started like how I just described. But remember that while all of you are out shopping in the cold frigid weather, I am sitting on my couch in my boxers, eating yummy Cajun leftovers, drinking beer, and watching football in front of my warm fireplace.

31 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That would be so awesome. I asked my mother-in-law yesterday (Australia had Boxing Day yesterday, damn the int'l date line) what it was for, and she replied "Cricket!" So yeah...it's a made up holiday I'm guessing-a reason for them to get piss drunk (like they need a holiday for that am I right?)

    hed www.hedabovewater.com

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  2. This is hilarious, OT. Happy (?) Boxing Day and hopefully you're able to celebrate no more useless shit.
    xoRobyn

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  3. That whole hillarious post and all I'm left with is picturing you in your boxers in front of a fireplace! Wow...I need to get laid ASAP. haha.

    I went with a double hammock and a free standing frame for my dad (last year it was a snow blower and before that an outdoor fire pit)...if he doesn't like it he can kiss my ass. We do our best to get good gifts.

    That being said I LOVE watching caddy bitches fight. hahaha.

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  4. @ Sharaf, thanks.

    @ Hed, I agree with you on the getting drunk and made up holiday thing.

    @ Robyn, thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Jewels, thanks. Send me nekkid pictures. lol j/k. I am sure your father loved both of those gifts, I know I would have liked those.

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  5. Oh boy. You had me going!!! For about 5 lines. LOL

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  6. @ Cinderita, you have to admit it a funny story.

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  7. Lucky for you I have a file folder of nekked pics just for occasions like this. haha. Hope you are enjoying your cajun food, fireplace, and pants free day/night.

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  8. @ Jewels, ah the infamous file of nekkid pictures. Do you have any of you with the Greek flag draped over you? lol

    And I am enjoying my fireplace pants free night with food and football.

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  9. You totally had me. I believed every word. You should have never said you were speaking out of your ass. For the first time ever, I do not have to return anything my wife bought me. It's a Boxing Day miracle.

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  10. Well... seeing the word "woolworths" when its been closed forever brought back fond memories, but I knew it was shenanigan when I saw it began in 1983... ha! Great story, I always hated boxing day (its like the black Friday shopping craze here) happy boxing day anyways!

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  11. @ Cheeseboy, I was just trying for a quick little joke like my Thanksgiving history one. And congrats on not having to take anything back to the store.

    @ Nikki, I figured the Woolworths inclusion would get at least one comment.

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  12. Shame on me...I do not. I do however have a Canadian flag (have I mentioned that I LOVE hockey!?) and am 1/2 a bottle of wine into my night with a digital camera...I wouldn't count out a scandelous picture on my blog at some point. hahaha.

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  13. @ Jewels, now my friend you are talking. I love hockey as well. I guess now would be a good time to post my email address huh? lol j/k

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  14. I was just wondering "What is Boxing Day about? Then I saw your post and got all excited.

    I'm not disappointed about the pubs and shopping, true or not.

    Apparently I spent it in rather the same fashion as you, just without the boxers.

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  15. @ Yahoi, thank you.

    @ Kernut, there is nothing wrong with pubs or shopping I guess. And there is also nothing wrong with being in your undies on the couch all day.

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  16. There is no need my friend...just take a look at my latest blog post...just for you! ;-) Jewels has been a naughty girl...thank goodness Santa already came!

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  17. @ Jewels, you do realize that I was joking right?

    Note to self, I really need to stop suggesting stuff to my followers. lol

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  18. I think men and women should be in the pubs.
    And Woolworths!...I haven't heard that in years!!!! I'm suddenly overwhelmed with memories of the candy area in the middle of the store where my mom used to buy me that horrible hard rock candy!

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  19. I just want to know what kind of gifts the fellow was giving the wife?
    I AM Canadian, and I don't know a single guy who wouldn't LOVE a golf club for Christmas. Come on Trash, the 'game' gets a guy 5 or 6 hours walking around outside while the wife stays home tending the kids, or whatever. How is that not an awesome gift?
    A golf club and a blowjob should keep a guy happy any day.

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  20. Sounds like you're feeling better - hurray!

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  21. @ Sandra, I knew the Woolworths would get some comments.

    @ Venom, there is nothing wrong with golf clubs or playing golf as it does get us men out of the house. My comment was the fact that you can't play golf in Canada at Christmas.

    @ Mama, thanks.

    @ Sam, yes I am feeling a little better.

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  22. Yeehawwwww!!!
    Another classic story...
    I loved it. My family finaly got tired of me taking EVERY gift back and started giving me gift cards!
    great post!

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  23. That was hilarious! You are such a great storyteller! I almost believed you then quickly came to realize it was ALL LIES!!! Good lies, though.

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  24. @ Pat, thank you. Gift cards are a great invention.

    @ Kelley, thank you very much. I kept telling myself that I need to do stand up, but I am far too shy to get on stage. Unless I was completely shit faced.

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  25. that sammich pic made me really hungry :)

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  26. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!
    Good story though. Fo' sho'. I mean, great way to try to go to Canada and get some Canookie and try to get the woman to let you sit at a pub while she does all the shopping but... you know, if you had the RIGHT woman (ahem!) you wouldn't have to do that anyway.

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  27. PS - You sang me "Born on the Bayou" at a karaoke bar... You can SURELY do stand-up. You're way better at telling stories than singing ;)

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  28. @ Miley, yea. And I don't know, I am still far too shy.

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