A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Great Inventions #3 – The Christmas Edition

Well here is another fine installment from my series of “Great Inventions” that have come about during my lifetime. Now I know this Christmas edition is a couple of weeks late, but I had other great stuff that needed to be posted before I got around to this blog. So enjoy the Christmas Invention edition.

Christmas Lights.

Now I that Christmas lights were not invented during my lifetime, but they sure as fuck were perfected during my lifetime. You see back when I was a kid prior to hanging any lights on the house or the tree, you had to plug the strands in to make sure they worked. And back then when one bulb was burnt out or broken, the entire strand of lights would not work. Do you know how big of a fucking pain in the ass that used to be checking EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BULB? It was a huge pain in the ass as it took longer to do the checking of every bulb on the strands than the time it took to actually hang the damn things. So sometime in between my childhood and adulthood they have invented strands of Christmas lights that will still light up when one or more the bulbs is burnt out. This invention has saved more migraine headaches than Tylenol has.

Artificial Trees.

I am not trying to start a great debate here about whether real vs fake tree is better. I am just saying that for some people the invention of the artificial tree is very helpful. I can remember when I was a kid that the artificial trees were very expensive and my dad opted to buy one of the do it yourself home kits which was a tad bit cheaper than the ones which were already completed. I remember helping my dad drill the damn holes in the 10 foot long tree shaft and putting it together. I actually have an artificial tree and think they are a good idea as you can pay for one and not have to buy another for a long time. Also if you are lazy like me you don’t have to worry about forgetting to water the real tree. And at the same time you can say you are helping to save Mother Nature.

Extension cords.

Now I am not talking about your every day ordinary extension cords as those have been around way before I was born. I am talking about the recently invented ones which have a nice little button on it where you can click it on and off with your feet. Now if you are like me your remember being younger and having a huge fucking tree with a ton of lights on it and also a ton of shit around it (I always had a model train set going around my tree) which made it difficult to unplug and plug in the tree lights. And with this nice little invention, you can save your time and your back to turn on and off your tree. I am reminded of this nice little gadget as my extension cord like this has broken and I have not replaced it and I almost fell into the tree trying to plug the fucker in.

Gift Cards.

Gifts are by far one of the best Christmas inventions of all time. If you read my great post about Boxing Day than you know how hard it can be to shop for someone. I think it is great that you can save time and just go get someone a gift card to their favorite store and let them pick out what they want. Can’t find a gift for your mole faced Auntie? Give her a nice little gift card to her favorite plastic surgeon. Now I know some of you are saying these gift cards make you a thoughtless (hey at least you are getting a fucking gift card) but if you are as busy as I am then you understand that you don’t have much time to shop for people. And by giving them the gift cards you make them spend their time to shop for themselves instead of you using your busy time to shop for them.

Christmas Lingerie.

Now this is the greatest Christmas Invention EVER. No words are needed in giving you a description of them, so I am just going to leave you with some pictures which can do a much better job than I can with my babbling bullshit.

Well I hope you have enjoyed another installment of Great Inventions.


  1. I am loving the Christmas lingerie for sure - but I must be living under a rock because I had no idea there was an extension cord you could switch on and off with a foot button. I absolutely hated having to bend down behind the tree to unplug the damn thing.

    Now I feel cheated since the tree is down for the year - maybe I should drag that sucked out and put it back up.


  2. @ Simpledude, I am honored that a product from my list o bullshit inventions was one that you did not know about. Out of 50 posts now, I have actually helped someone out.

  3. Easy lights - we have those
    Fake tree - we have that
    Gift cards - my favorites
    Christmas Lingerie - does this thong make my butt look big?

  4. Thank the lord for gift cards! NOT! My husband uses these as a 'Get out of jail free card' every time we have a fight! However I use the lingerie as mine ;) Next Christmas, next Christmas!

  5. @ Pat: Hahaha!

    This year we had no Christmas nothing: cards, tree, lights... Nothing. It was weird. But on the bright side nothing to take down or put away either. I'm just glad the whole thing is over...

  6. All great inventions, for sure. Dig the last picture.

    I think I must still own the kind of lights that you have to check every bulb. I'm ready to toss them all out and give up on never decorate again.

  7. Picture #2 of Lingerie...where is that from because I am sold. I was pouty this year because I didn't get Christmas Lingerie.
    Regarding the lights, yes I remember having to go through every fucking light. Now I have a fake tree with lights! Don't even have to sting the bastards up.

  8. @ Pat, exactly.

    @ Blah, sounds like you and your husband have life figured out.

    @ Sharaf, thanks.

    @ Nikki, you should have put some lights up on the boat.

    @ Cheeseboy, I am glad I am not the only who suffers through the light hassle.

    @ Galore, I have no idea. I just googled "hot christmas woman" and that picture came up. lol And your tree sounds a lot like mine.

  9. Midget Lights? heehee...I totally thought you were going to do a blog on the non-PC way of naming things in days past...midget lights...

    I love gift cards! Well from everyone with the exception of the significant other...the 'S.O' should always put thought into the gifts. otherwise no Christmas lingerie for him!!

    By the way...is it the man or woman who is supposed to buy the said lingerie? Thoughts?

  10. @ Primed, I saw that they were called midget lights when I was searching for a picture and that is why I picked that particular picture.

    And I agree about the SO part.

    And it does not matter, although even if the woman goes and buys the lingerie it is usually the man who ends up paying for it. lol

  11. OT, I don't remember giving you permission to use pictures of me on your blog.... ;o)

  12. @ Heather, if that is you in that picture you need to post more of them. lol

  13. I'm all about the fake tree and the gift cards. It's so funny, everyone running around like mad holiday shopping, I visit Walmart and load up on gift cards for friends to Starbucks, TGI Friday's and other crappy corporate places.

  14. I remember checking the strands of lights for the one dead bulb. Pain in the butt. I like the new LED tree lights. Bright as heck.

  15. What totally cracks me sideways, is that for some odd reason the ONLY pictures that actually appeared from your entire post were the Christmas Lingerie ones (the rest were white boxes with the little red x in the corner). No clue why...subliminal messages maybe. Guess I need to enhance my wardrobe or something. Should go well with the Wonder Woman underroos.

  16. let us not forget the fuzzy xmas bras with the built in xmas lights!

    those get a lot of attention in a strip club. or a library. or a bus depot.

  17. @ Daffy, that is funny. The other pics show up for me. And I bet the lingerie would go well with your Wonder Woman underroos. Take and post a new picture of that one. lol

    @ Kage, I agree they do get a lot of attention in a library or a bus stop.

  18. I love artificial trees. In fact I want my next one to be prelit so that I can save mother nature and not hassle with strands of lights.

    BTW, I have to share I sang the 'No Christmas Gifts' song to my children on Christmas Eve and the night before I think. They were unruly. Worked like a charm. Yes, I'm evil. WTH, they have to have something to tell the shrink in later years, right?

  19. "Can’t find a gift for your mole faced Auntie? Give her a nice little gift card to her favorite plastic surgeon." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    As for the Christmas lights, I thought they were still archaic, as I haven't bought a set of Christmas lights in my adult years yet. Good to know!

    hed www.hedabovewater.com

  20. @ Semi, I agree with you about the trees. And that is awesome that you sang that song to your kids.

    @ Hed, I am glad you enjoyed my little joke.

  21. Christmas Lingerie? HECK! Why didn't I think of that? I gotta get with it!

  22. fake tree. pre lit.
    wife and daughter put up/take down.
    those fucking awesome
    fiber optic tinklers.

    i had it all on a timer. tucker walked/jumped on it. now i bend over and unplug them.

    but not next year. step switch thinggy fer shure!

    and do your twins still have the fat man in cuffs...if they do, tell him i want a couple of those girls, er i mean hotties, uh no, i mean those ligerie thingys... for my wife...

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

  23. Love the list. I agree...the lights are SO much better now and gift cards prove that God loves us...or at least my lazy cousin does. It saves so much time going back to return crap you bought me...just let me buy what I want!

    I have never seen that extension cord before...too cool. I'll have to invest in one!

  24. @ Janie, yes girl get with it.

    @ Bruce, if they do have him in cuffs, I am getting one of those hoes/ladies/sweet virgins of Christmas as well.

    @ Jewels, I agree with you. And you have to get you one of those cords. They are a good investment.

  25. You know I still visit some of those hot blogs you suggested. Kudos to you. And I'd have to say the extension cord is my pick. Though I live in a tiny studio so there isn't much need for extension.

  26. @ Copyboy, that is cool. The extension cord is great just for the on and off foot switch alone.

  27. I have never seen that giant button extension cord but now I want one just to have one. I was hoping for some more lingerie pics. I suppose I could just google it...lol

    I posted some trivia today if you want to play.

  28. I need one of those switchy cords just for everyday things. What better way to kill the xbox when he teenager should be helping out.

    Gift cards are the perfect gift. Never have to queue at the returns counter

    Might have to get myself some of that lingerie next year. Very pretty I think.


    Secret Pleasures

  29. Am I the only one who heard the Muppets' announcer (Pigs In Spaaaaaaaace!) announcing "another installment of Great Inventions" there at the end?!


  30. @ Toastman, yes google it. And the extension cord is a good thing to have.

    @ Mynx, I agree.

    @ Pearl, that would be cool if I could add that audio here.

  31. Ha Ha Ha !!
    My Christmas lingerie is furry socks and a flannel nightgown. Now THAT is hot. not.

  32. Yet in Christmas of 2009 when I asked if you would like me to dress slutty in Santa lingerie, you said you'd pass.
    Guess I'm too fat.

  33. @ Holly, whatever works for you.

    @ Miley, we were on vacation and too tired for that outfit. QUIT being ridiculous.

  34. Oh my god, I remember helping my mother replace bulbs in the lights until they went on. I got many little zaps around Christmas time.
    I used to be a fan of the real tree but not anymore. I got my fake one on sale years ago and I love it.
    I didn't know they make extension cords with the off buttons! I learn something new every day!
    Nothing says ho ho ho like Christmas lingerie. heehee

  35. LMAO - I was picking. Hell, I even look good in wrapping paper and duct tape!

  36. this last is the best

    followin you,visit me

  37. @ Jess, I am very glad to know I was not the only person stuck doing that as a child. And you are correct, nothing says ho ho ho at Christmas time like some naughty lingerie.

    @ Miley, ah ok. lol

    @ Rawr, thank you for stopping by and the following.

    @ Becca, thank you as well for dropping by and the following.

  38. Nice, I thought the last pic.was your S.O.? I have got to find some of that lingerie for next year, have french maid and school girl but no Santa. Thanks for the tip, will have to get that!

  39. @ Marsha, no I don't have a SO. And yes you should find you some naughty santa stuff. It makes unwrapping your gifts all that much more fun. lol


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