The Zombies Are Coming

Yes that is right, the zombies are coming. But no not the real ones you are thinking of walking down the street slowly asking for brains.

You see my friend Jason (yes I have friends outside of the internets) has been writing a fiction book about zombies for the last year. Well it is finally finished and in the process of being printed into paperback. It is the first book of a trilogy series.

I have seen bits and pieces of it on Facebook and it looks great. Sometime in the next two weeks I should land a paperback copy in my hands. So as soon as I read it I will post a review of it. And the book should be released in early June.

Here is a write up from the website where you can pre-order the book:


"I didn't see Rebecca die for the second time."


The United States military hides a secret: the true and completely real existence of eat-your-brains, one-bite-and-you're-dead zombies. The Army has known for over a hundred years that they exist, and have been quietly and expertly keeping the secret.


Until now.


His hometown is overrun and destroyed, with everything and everyone he has ever known dead and gone. The sole survivor of Fall Creek, David Blake, joins a secret military group to combat the single greatest threat our world has ever known. Unfortunately, his help may come too late, for even as victories over the walkers begin to grow, the seeds of our ultimate doom are sown from within, and at the last, only a brave few may survive to carry on.

(Actual cover art from the book)

So if you are interested in zombies, please go to my friends Facebook page and show him some love. And if you are interested in buying a copy of the book, please visit this site where you can pre-order the book (which comes autographed and with an e-reader copy as well during the pre-order period).

And if you are not into zombie books, please pass on this post to your friends who like zombies as I am trying to help my friend out.

And to thank you in advance, when the book comes out I will be buy myself a copy and another copy to do a give away with for those of you who can help spread the word about my friend Jason’s first book.

Wild Thing Was Here

I have written about how I thought Charlie Sheen was cool, how he lost his job, and how you can party like a rock star with him. We all know he marches to the beat of a different drum, well hell he marches to the beat of an instrument which hasn’t been invented yet but that is beside the point.

You see Charlie Sheen was here in Houston last night for his “Violent Torpedo of Truth” comedy tour. I have no idea how it was or if it was any good. I couldn’t afford to find out so I guess I will have to wait and see what the paper says about the show.

On Monday when Charlie rolled into town, he headed over to my old college, the University of Houston to attend batting practice with their baseball team. He participated in batting practice, caught some balls with the entire team, and signed autographs and took pictures with the team and players. Since my college is known as the “Cougars” I hope Charlie gave them some “tiger blood” so that they can do some more “winning” and end up in the college world series in a month.

After reading the paper about his trip to visit the Cougars, I did not know that Charlie is still a baseball fan (don’t forget about his role in the Major League movies). And while on his drunken tour across America, he has stopped at a bunch of colleges to hang out and visit with various college baseball teams. I think that is pretty cool considering he is batshit crazy and high as a kite.

Yep, She Is A Terrorist

Most of you know that I am no damn fan of the TSA and how idiotic they are as a “government” organization. Well they have gone and went batshit stupid in how they handle “security”, and I use that term “security” very loosely.

Here is a video of a TSA agent feeling up patting down a six year old girl. If this does not piss you off, chances are do not have a pulse.



Don’t the airports have the full body scanner? Why not put the little girl through the body scanner? I know terrorists overseas use children in their plots to blow shit up, but this is America not Lebanon. Let the TSA agent do the full body scan of the girl where you won’t find anything, and let the woman and her kid move on. Where is the common sense here? Is it just me or would scanning the kid make more sense than having your child felt up some “stranger”?

Can you imagine having to tell your kids, don’t let strangers touch you. Unless you are in line to go through security at the airport and then it is perfectly normal to have someone put their hand in your pants.

Now if this was my daughter being molested at the airport in this video, the clip would be a lot different than what you just saw. I would have demanded the body scan and if they refused and touched my baby girl, you would have seen me beating the fuck out of that TSA agent.

No child should ever be touched by anyone like this, never.

I guess I was a man ahead of my time when I wrote this post last year about "how to talk to your child about the TSA."

Meal Mondays – Shrimp Pasta Salad

Here is another from my series of “Meal Mondays” and this one is Shrimp (or as they say in the dirty south, skrimp) Pasta Salad. This is a great meal which is good served hot or cold and can be used as left overs for days.

The only down side to this meal is that you need a large Tupperware that you can mix up the salad in and also use to store the leftovers.

Ingredient List:

1) 3 bags of mixed pasta.
2) 3 cans of slice black olives.
3) 1 jar of grated parmesan cheese.
4) 3 pounds of peeled, cooked, tail less shrimp.
5) 1 jar of pesto.

Preparation:

1) Boil the 3 bags of the pasta in a large pot.
2) Defrost and cook the shrimp in a large skillet with some butter over low heat. Be careful as to not overcook the shrimp as they will shrink a lot when cooked.
3) When the pasta is done, drain the pasta and put the pasta into the large Tupperware.
4) Mix in the shrimp with the pasta.
5) Mix in the whole jar of the pesto.
6) Mix in the 3 jars of the black olives.
7) Mix in the grated parmesan cheese.
8) Thoroughly mix all the ingredients together and serve.

Then sit back and enjoy the mixture of flavors as you devour the pasta. This meal to me is a quick easy one to make and it will last you forever. I eat a bunch of this hot and then take it to work to eat for lunch for 3 or 4 days.

Great Inventions # 6 – The Easter Edition

Here is another post in my series of Great Inventions where I remind you of some of the great inventions that have been made or perfected during my lifetime. Today since it is Good Friday I will tell you about some great Easter related inventions.

Peeps.

Nothing says Easter is here like the arrival of Peeps in the stores do. I have been enjoying these marshmallow surrounded by sugar and covered in food coloring treats since I was a kid. They used to only come at Easter time and in the shape of an little chickadee. Now Peeps are available in some form or fashion for all of the candy holidays. If you have never tried one of these, you lived under a rock as a kid. And these great treats have also taken over pop culture, just google "peeps" and see for yourself.


Jelly Beans.

I know you are thinking that these were invented way before I was born, and you are correct. However the ones which were made before I was born were boring and lacked flavor. The jelly beans available today come in many more flavors than they did when I was a kid. Now we have all kinds of great flavors like grape, straw berry, peach, and Dr Pepper. Love them or hate them, you have to respect their greatness.


The Jesus Toaster.

I am sure you have all seen on the news occasionally how someone will see an image of Jesus on a rock, a pizza, a cake, a shadow, or some other strange place. Well now you can make your very own image of Jesus right on your very own breakfast toast. Just think of all of the friends you could make if you had this toaster available here. And even if you don’t make friends from having this toaster, look on the bright side you can at least have The Father, The Son, and The Holy Toast for breakfast.

Well I hope you have enjoyed another round from my series of Great Inventions.

Nice Rack

One of blog buddies Bruce over at Stupid Stuff I See And Hear recently passed on a blog award to me. You see this award was not really meant for me, but it was more meant for me to pass on to the ladies.

And since I am not one to buck tradition, well I am going to post about it. The award says that you have to post a picture of your rack and pass the award onto five other bloggers.

Here we go. Here is an old picture of my rack back from the days that I was a stripper.

Now to pass on this great rack award to five ladies:

Absolutely Primed

Random Girl

Ramblings Of An Emotional Idiot

Hello Rosie

Brandi’s Place

Why the fuck didn’t I think of this damn award? I must be losing my creative touch.

And ladies please don't be shy when accepting this award, remember by posting the pictures you are helping the hearts of us men folk.

My Thoughts On The BP Disaster

It was exactly one year ago today that the explosion happened on the BP Deep Water Horizon oil rig in the Gulf Of Mexico which killed 11 men and caused the worst oil spill in United States history.

My office had a guy on the rig that left the rig five days before the explosion. My company had people on the rig who were lucky enough to have left the rig in the morning on the day of the explosion.

When the explosion happened and the rig sank two days later, I told everyone I knew to not rush to judgment in the matter. Wait and see what the investigation yields before saying anything. A lot of things have been said in the media by oil industry people, politicians, and pundits on both sides of the political spectrum. I have also said a lot of stuff (not here till today) as well, except I tend to use a little bit of common sense when it comes to giving my opinion on things.

Disasters such as this one rarely have just one cause for accidents. If you look historically at accidents which are deadly, there is a multitude of causes which led to them. Having looked at the accident and the findings thus far, I place 90% of the blame on BP for poor well design (ie cutting corners) and a culture of safety mishaps including not learning from previous mistakes. I put 5% of the blame on Halliburton for not refusing to do an unsafe job based upon the poor well design. I also put 5% of the blame on Transocean for the same reasons as Halliburton.

If you look historically at BP as a company, they have a history of poor safety performance.

Look at their operations at the refinery in Texas City, Texas. They had an explosion there that killed around 15 people. BP found the cause of that accident, yet did not do the same exact modifications to their other refineries in the United States to prevent a similar incident from happened again. An almost identical accident almost happened at another refinery less than a year after the explosion in Texas City.

Wikileaks reported a while back that the same type of accident which happened in the Gulf Of Mexico happened two years prior in the Black Sea. Poor well design/implementation in the Black Sea well lead to an uncontrolled leak of gas. Although in that incident, the BOP was able to shut in the well and there was no explosion there and thus you heard nothing of this incident.

In another incident in the North Sea, BP had a severe gas leak on a production platform due to poor maintenance. Thankfully no explosion happened but the potential for one was still there.

So as you can see from just a little bit of highly condensed information, BP has a bad tract record when it comes to safety. It was not the whole industry which had this accident, but it was one bad company. Yet my whole industry on a whole was put on trial.

So when the explosion happened, the rig sank, and the oil started spewing all over the Gulf sea shores, the government put a drilling moratorium in place which stopped all offshore drilling until the cause was found.

When an airplane crashes do we shut down all of the air traffic? The answer is no. We find out what happened and then if the problem is limited to a problem with a certain type of air craft, then we fix the problem with those air craft. The last deadly crash in our country was the Air Colgan/Continental flight which crashed on approach to Buffalo. The main cause of that accident was pilot fatigue. And that problem of pilot fatigue with commuter airlines still has not been addressed and fix.

When a pipeline ruptures and explodes do we shut in all pipelines in this country? No we don’t. Remember the huge natural gas pipeline in a California neighborhood which rupture inside the neighborhood and exploded? It killed around 5-10 people and destroyed a dozen or so houses, and did we stop all of the pipelines from flowing? No we didn’t. The cause of that pipeline explosion was corrosion of old pipe.

When the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prince William Sound spilling millions of gallons of oil, did we stop all tankers from carrying oil? No we didn’t. The cause of the accident was found to be one drunken man allowed to pilot a ship. The cause was found out and stuff put in place to prevent it from happening again.

When two trains collide in a head on collision on the same track, do we shut down all the trains in our country? When there is a coal mine explosion do we shut down all of the coal mines? When there is a huge pile up on the freeway involving many cars, do we shut down all automobile traffic? The short answer to all of these questions is no.

So without even having a cause of the accident, a knee jerk reaction was done by our government by halting all offshore drilling. I don’t have a problem with a short stoppage of drilling to find out the cause of the accident, but that was not the intention of the government. The governments cause for this was to get us off of oil and gas and to also push the “green movement” in wind and solar energy. Don’t forget wind and solar don’t do anything for transportation needs or replace the stuff that oil is used in making. The president even went as far to blame George Bush and say that the MMS had an incestuous relationship with the oil industry and it was his fault. Yet when the president took office he appointed a woman to head the MMS and she was “lured” away from BP to come to the MMS (I bet you didn’t know that one). Just a tad bit of hypocrisy wouldn’t you agree?

The economy of the gulf coast relies solely on three things which are fishing, tourism, and the oil and gas industry. The nonstop oil spill destroys fishing and tourism, and then to kick a man when he is down, the government shut down oil and gas industry offshore. The media has said that the drilling moratorium only affected a few thousand jobs, which is non sense.

Tens of thousands of jobs were hurt by the drilling moratorium. Think each drilling rig directly employs 400 people. Then there are the service company employees who go to the rigs. The service companies have employees whose revenue from offshore supports other employees within those companies. Then there are the supply boats and their employees. There are helicopters which ferry people to and from the rigs who employ people. The rigs need supplies such as food, tools, etc which come from companies. The supply companies also need supplies as well. Then there are the land shipping companies which haul the offshore materials to and from the docks and offices. Also there are the hotels and crew transports on shore which are used. This is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to the people who work in the industry along the gulf coast. It numbers in the tens of thousands of people not the mere few thousand that the media reported.

Now I am not trying to defend BP by saying all of this, quite the opposite actually. BP should have to pay for all of the damage (environmental and other) that they have done to the gulf coast. I also think that BP should also have to pay for the people who have lost their jobs because of their accident. Not just the fishermen but also those who have lost their jobs in the oil industry as well due to the drilling moratorium.

What I am saying is that this thing could have been handled better. It should have been investigated, the cause found, and measures taken to prevent it from happening again in the future. Seems simple right?

Well that is not what happened here. Politics entered the situation and we all know how politics fucks up things. To this day the governments answer to this is more regulation upon more regulation. We all know that the only industry more heavily regulated is the airline industry and those regulations can't even keep air traffic controllers awake on the job. What is needed is that the current regulations need to be enforced and actually verified by the MMS. Instead the government keeps changing the rules or not coming out with the new rules in a timely manner. To this day (at the time I am writing this) there have been a total of ten permits to drill issued. Of those ten permits, nine of those are for projects which were already drilling when the BP rig blew up a year ago. One permit for a new well has been issued and will likely never get drilled due to legal challenges from environmental groups.

And speaking of the environmental groups, did you notice how they were all up in arms saying that we should not be allowed to drill offshore here in the US because the coast is just to precious? You didn't hear them say jackshit about drilling offshore in other countries. Don't drill here in my yard, but you can drill across the street in my neighbors yard. Yea, that hypocrisy is one of the reasons that America and Americans in general are not well liked in the world. 

The gulf coast has mostly been cleaned up and life (both man and animal) is starting to recover. Recovery though will take a long time as the effects of the oil spill are still happening and things are still being discovered.

My hope for all of this mess that BP has caused is that with all of the shit being slung by all of the parties, that the memory of the 11 men who lost their lives that day are not forgotten.And that an accident such as this is prevented in the future as the damage to the environment, lives, the economy, etc are too great.

EDITED TO ADD: I watched the news last night and was not shocked at all. BP still has not paid a ton of people on the coast who had ligetimate claims and there is still oil washing up on some coastal areas. And BP is mostly gone. Funny how those commercials said that BP wouldn't leave until this was over, and it turns out that there definition of over was when the news cameras left. They really piss me off.

Silent But Deadly

I was recently given another blog award, although this one is a little different than most of them. This award was the “Silent But Deadly” fart award and it was given to me by Rosie over at "Hello Rosie”.

This award is basically an award where you tell your readers your funniest fart story. And then pass on the award onto five bloggers that you think would have a funny fart story to tell.

Well all my life I have been a farter, I mean who hasn’t had a bout of the gas from time to time. Although lately my flatulence has been limited to when I eat certain foods, and this story is no different.

Last Thursday there was some meeting at my office for the big wigs (or something like that) and they had BBQ catered in. Now it was not for us “rank and file” employees but when the big wigs are done eating it is open season on the left overs for us “lowly” employees. And since I love a free meal, I got me a large plate.

I had a plate of two brisket sammiches (with onions, pickles, and bbq sauce), potato salad, and baked beans. So I am sitting there eating this free goodness and reading my paper like always at the break room table, when it started. I had to fart. Not just a normal fart either, this one had enough pressure behind it to launch a space shuttle into orbit. As I was the only one left at the table, I decided to release the cracken. It was loud and vibrated my chair so much that it probably was recorded by the US Geological Survey as a mild earth quake. And it stunk, not just stunk, but really stunk. Nothing gives me gas worse than beans and onions, and the two combined is enough to make a weapon of ass destruction.

So I kept eating and farting all by my lonesome. About 30 minutes later, I cleaned up my mess and headed back to my office. I then decided that I needed a cup of coffee if I was going to keep myself awake for the balance of the work day. As I was walking to the break room on the other side of the building, I kept farting. This time the farts were silent, but smelled like a sack of rotten onions. So I get to the break room and get myself some coffee, it is then that I fart one more time. Except this time it is different. There is a “present” along with the fart. Yep it is diarrhea. Just a little bit though.

I walk calmly to the bathroom and yep, my stomach is upset. I finish up the business of the day and tell me boss that I am sick and going home for the day. I will have you know though that no one at work knew what had actually happened to me. Only my kids, my brother, and now you know what had really happened to me.

After I get home I noticed that I had been given this nice little award (how ironic is that). And now you all know why I was sick on Thursday and was not able to write a nice post for Friday.

So the moral of this story is this and it is the best advice I can ever give to you my readers, never gamble on a fart. NEVER.

Rosie wanted a story which included the 10 Percent Theory, well I don’t think this story could have been any more 10 percent than that.

Now to pass this on to five other bloggers that make me laugh and I am sure will have a great story to tell.

Bruce over at Stupid Stuff I See & Hear.

Powdered Toast Man at Just The Cheese.

Mrs Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom.

The Peachy One at The Pits Of Being Peachy.

Heather over at Sugar Free Thoughts.

Hot Single Dads?

One of the tv shows that I watch a lot of is ‘Law And Order: Criminal Intent’. The cable channel Bravo one day a week shows a marathon of this show at night. I love this show so I tolerate the fact that it is on Bravo as I can’t stand the other shows on this network. I mean who in the hell watches “The Real Housewives of An Alabama Trailer Park” anyways? I mean I couldn’t watch a show about a bunch of whiney ass rich bitches women who have never seen the inside of a grocery store, laundry mat, or a kitchen for that matter. I would rather watch a show about a housewife who is a stay at home mom, raising kids, cooking, shopping at the grocery store, and keeping a house together (you know a real life) than some dumb ass women arguing in some restaurant that I can’t afford to eat in. But I digress.

While I was watching the latest marathon a couple of nights ago, a commercial caught my ears. It was a commercial where a bunch of women were sitting around and talking. Out of nowhere one of the women says, “Nothing is hotter than a single dad who spends time with his kids,” and all of the other women agreed with her. My mouth just dropped. I did not hear the rest of the commercial to even see what the commercial was about or the context of that statement as I was so stunned by this comment.

“Nothing is hotter than a single dad who spends time with his kids.” Let that set in for a minute with you. Got it? Good.

Women NEVER look at me. Yes I said it; women never even look at me or in my direction. No I am not being cynical either; I am saying the honest truth here. I am never looked at by women. It is not like I am unattractive, because I am decent looking. Yet I never get even so much as a glance or a smile from women.

I am the dad who coaches my kids youth sports teams. I am the dad who takes my kids everywhere and does everything with them. I am the dad who hangs up my kid’s artwork in my office at work (see the picture below). I am the dad who takes his kids to Destin, Florida for Spring Break. I am the dad who works his ass off at a job where I am not appreciated and yet still stays there to support his kids. I am the dad who sacrifices his personal life (friends, dating, etc) for his kids. I am the dad who takes everything my kids give me (toys, stuffed animals, Steelers stuff) and put it on my desk at work (also see the picture below). I am the dad who has a zoo in his house because his kids are animal lovers. I am the dad who sacrifices buying a nice huge two story house and a new car so that I can put my kids in private school to have a better education than what I had as a kid. I am the dad who does everything with my kids and everything for them. Hell even back when I was married and they were newborns, I was the dad who took them to all of their doctor’s appointments, not their mother.

If single dads who spend time with their children are so damn hot, I should be on the cover of every fucking magazine sold on the planet. I should be better known than the President of the United States is. TMZ should be following my ass around 24 hours a day instead of Charlie Sheen.

Yet women do not even look at me. No women.

Now I know that I am an awesome person because I am a good dad, I have a great sense of humor, I am a great story teller, I am smart, and I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet. I also know that all of my appeal is on the inside. I am like a time release capsule pill; I take a while to work on you. But would it be too much to ask that at least one or two women look at me occasionally? Or even say hello or something to me.

What that damn commercial should have said was, “Nothing is hotter than a single dad who spends time with his kids who also makes 200K plus a year, drives a BMW, lives in a 5000 square foot house, has rock hard abs, and has a 9 inch penis which is as big around as a tree trunk.”

The Divorced Barbie Doll

My apologies to you trashy readers, I was sick last night so I did not have time or energy to write you a thought provoking original post of mine. I am truly sorry. So to make it up to you here is a nice little joke I got in an email a while back. I hope you like it.


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?”


The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”


The amazed father asks: “It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.”

Houston We Have Another Problem

Unless you live in a cave in Afghanistan, then you have heard of NASA. As you know the space shuttle program is coming to an end this summer and will no long be flying missions for NASA.

Sometime back a decision was made to allow the four remaining space shuttles to go to various locations to be used as displays for the public. At least 20 US cities were in contention to have one of the shuttles delivered to them once the program ended and the fleet is retired.

Well on Tuesday the head of NASA announced what cities would be getting a shuttle. The four cities getting an orbiter are: Kennedy Space Center in Florida, the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC, the California Science Center in Los Angeles, and the Intrepid Sea, Air, And Space Museum in New York City.

Yes you read that correctly, Houston was not among the four cities which I just listed.

I can understand why the Kennedy Space Center is getting one as that is the site of the launches for the space shuttles (and all manned space flight for the US as well). They also have a great museum there for tourists which covers the entire 40 plus years of the space program. I can see why they are getting a space shuttle.

I can also understand why the Smithsonian Institution is getting one as that is a huge air and space museum. I mean they have the Wright Brothers airplane which was the first one to ever fly. They also have Charles Lindbergh’s “Spirit of St Louis” plane which was the first airplane to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. So I get why this place was chosen as a location.

However I don’t understand why the fuck New York City got a retired space shuttle. Can you please tell me one thing that New York City has to do with NASA and manned space flight? I know that the Intrepid has some capsules from the Apollo and Mercury programs because it took part in the sea recovery of them. But did a shuttle land on the fucking Intrepid? The answer is no. So please tell me how the fuck New York City has a retired space shuttle.

How did Los Angeles get a shuttle? I know some of the design work for the shuttle program was done in California. Outside of Hollywood making movies about NASA, please tell me how in the fucking world Los Angeles got a retired space shuttle?

When you think of NASA and the space program, what city comes to your mind as number one? 

HOUSTON.


Period.


End.


Of.


Story.

Jack Swigert did not say during the Apollo 13 mission, “New York we’ve had a problem.” Nor did he say “Los Angeles we’ve had a problem.”

Jack Swigert said, “Houston we’ve had a problem.”

That quote right there is easily in the top ten of quotations of all time. Not just movie quotes, but quotes outside of movies. People all over the world know of that quote and the events of Apollo 13.

The Johnson Space center in Houston is both the heart and brain center of NASA. Since NASA was started it has been the training center for all of the astronauts. All of them as well as all of their families have lived here within in minutes of NASA. In addition to training the astronauts, Houston has served as mission control for the manned space program. As soon as a shuttle or rocket gets an inch off of the ground, mission control in Houston takes over. In addition to that, most of the design work for the shuttles was done here in Houston and all of the contractors involved are here as well.

Johnson Space Center already has a first class museum and visitor’s center called “Space Center Houston” which has various exhibits and tours. It is not like something had to be built here, it already has the facilities to host the shuttle. Johnson Space Center is the second most visited place in the State of Texas behind the Alamo in case you didn't know (on a side note I know for a fact that the museum in California is not the 2nd most visited thing in that state). 

If you ask someone from outside of Texas to name two things about Houston, they will all say something about Oil/Gas and NASA.

So how has Houston been left out of the mix? I have no idea.

Do you want my personal opinion here? Well you are getting it anyways.

I smell politics. You see Texas is a Republican state and both New York and California are Democrat states. Hmm seems obvious to me. Still not convinced? President Obama two years ago killed the future of NASA by defunding the future moon missions and the mission to Mars. He killed the oil industry with the drilling moratorium. And now we don’t get a space shuttle.

Now I don’t know if politics is the reason why Houston is not getting a retired space shuttle or not, but when you combine all of that together it seems obvious to me that our current administration is no fan of anything "Texas" related.

Regardless of the reason why Houston was not selected, this city was more deserving than Los Angeles and New York City were to housing a retired space shuttle. 

This is a huge slap in the face to Houston.

It Smelt Like Butter

Last Friday night I took my daughter out for a fancy dinner. We went to Popeye’s as we were craving some fried chicken. I got a bucket of chicken with some red beans and rice for us to share. I also got some garlic buttered popcorn shrimp as a nice little warm up to the dirty bird.

We brought all of the food back home so we could eat and watch a movie together. Later that night we were craving some ice cream so we made a mad dash for the grocery store. As we got in the car, my car had this delicious smell of butter. My daughter made a comment about how great it still smelled in my car from the shrimp I had got for dinner.

The next day on Saturday the kids and I all got in the car to go to the University of Houston spring football game. We again were greeted with the delicious smell of the buttery shrimp. The same exact thing happened on the way home from the game.

On Sunday we had to run some errands during the day and we again noticed the still present smell of my shrimp from Friday night. Although that day it was not as strong. My son had said maybe we should get some more of the shrimp since it had smelled so good and the scent lasted for days.

Monday morning rolls around and the smell is still there from dinner on Friday night. Although we are too tired as I am taking the kids to school to even notice much less say anything about the buttery smell.

On Tuesday morning the car still smelled like the shrimp, although the smell had transformed into more of a movie theater butter smell. No big deal, I love me some movie theater popcorn drenched in artery clogging goodness.

So this morning we get into the car and the butter smells are all gone. Now my car smells like a pair of my son’s summer time sneakers. You know the sneakers I am talking about, the ones he runs around in with no socks on his feet from May until September. We all make nasty comments about how it stinks. I am starting to think that maybe my car is possessed and no longer likes me.

We drive from home to their school with the air conditioner on full blast and the windows down to get the stench out. I dropped the kids off at school and drove the hour to work.

When I got to work I pulled up the car and proceeded to get my back pack (with laptop) out of my trunk. Upon opening my trunk I was hit with the smell of the foot odor (I was too tired to notice it when I put my backpack in the trunk earlier in the morning). I got my back pack out of my trunk and then noticed a plastic bag in the trunk. I picked it up and discovered the source of the problem. It was a tupperware full of food I had brought to work at least a week (or maybe two) earlier and forgot to get out of my car (have I mentioned before that I am not a morning person).

Almost as soon as I picked up the bag, I puked all over the concrete just behind my car. Yes my trashy friends, in addition to not being able to handle needles, I can’t stomach to smell rotten shit.

No I don’t actually remember what was in the tupperware to be honest with you. I think it was cheeseburger hamburger helper with green beans. Hell who knows what it was. All I know is that after a few days of being in my hot trunk (remember how I have said spring was here and it is now hot outside) it started to smell like buttery shrimp.

Who the fuck leaves food in the trunk of their car?

Apparently I leave food in the trunk.

Yours truly will be stopping at the store on the way home to buy and spray at least 4 bottles of Lysol in my car and in my trunk. Hopefully my neighbors won’t call the cops on me thinking I am cleaning up the remains of a dead body out of my car.

Remember how I told you about the 10 percent theory, it totally applies here.

Football Is Back

This time of year is when all of the colleges are hosting their spring practices before taking time off for the end of school and beginning of summer. A lot of colleges also are holding their annual spring football game.

And last Saturday the college I went to, The University of Houston held their annual “Red & White” game. It was basically a glorified practice game which was held on campus, open to the public, and free. So when you throw in the “free” word and “football” together, well the kids and I just had to go to it.

I dragged the kids (no not literally, they were happy to go) to my old school and watched the best two hours of my life since the Superbowl. You see I got to see FOOTBALL being played, live and in person. Yes I know I am into football like a crack addict is into crack, but I was able to get my fix.

We took in the sights and sounds of the game. The hitting, the cheering, the sounds of the ball hitting the ground, the whistles, and all of the sounds of the game in its purest form were heard. And for two hours last Saturday, it was great to have my old friend back.

 The kids had such a great time that they have even semi talked me into buying season tickets for the upcoming season.

Well until August my old friend, I shall miss you.

Party With Charlie Sheen

Have you ever wanted to just party like a complete fool?

Do all the booze, drugs, and hookers that you wanted to without any consequences or the need for a new liver?

Or basically live just like Charlie Sheen?

But you really can’t afford to hang out with him, well now you can.

For just $35.25 from this great website, you and all of your friends can party with Charlie Sheen. Ok it is not the real Charlie Sheen, but inflatable Charlie Sheen is just as cool.

Just imagine all of the fun you can have with Charlie Sheen. You can put him in the front seat of your car and your easily take the carpool lane. You can take him to parties and impress all of your friends. Just think you will never have to eat dinner alone ever again with Charlie at your side. Think about all of the “Winning” you will be able to do with Charlie.

Warning: Hookers, blow, and low self esteem are not included.

Road Signs

You have all seen them while driving. Those nice big orange flashing construction signs telling you stuff that you never read. Stuff like “right lane closed ahead” or “freeway closed ahead”.

Now the juvenile delinquent in me has always wanted to break into the compartment of one of these things and change the message to something funny.

A few years ago someone in Austin did just that. When I saw it on the news I laughed my ass off about it.

Well a few weekends ago, someone actually did just that in downtown Houston. You can see from the pictures that it is pretty funny, but I would have done it better than this.

I would have made the sign say something like:

“Oilfield Trash For President”

“Eat More Pussy”

“Save The Shrimp”

“Oilfield Trash Licks Ladies Da Best”

“Everyone Loves Your Momma”

“Pull Out”

“Read Make Daddy A Sammich”

“Shave Your Vag”

What would you have made the sign say if you were able to hack into it?

I Am A Winner!

I did not win the latest lottery drawing, but I did get myself awarded another blog award on Monday.

On Monday I was given the “Versatile Blogger Award” by Absolutely Primed over at Over Developed, Under Exposed. You should go check out her blog as she has a great blog and is also a pretty cool Canuck. Thank you very much for the award Primed.

I am not sure what the meaning behind the award is, but I guess it means that I am good at going from one totally goofy ass post to something serious. Hey come to think about it, that is pretty much how this blog actually is.

This little award comes with some rules (like all of them really) that must be “followed”.

1. Thank the person who gave it to me which was done above.

2. List seven random things about me which is done below.

3. Pass the award onto 15 other blogs. Well I am too tired to do this one and I think this award has already been spread around more the Snooki’s vagina. So yea I am not going to pass it on.

Well here is the seven random things about me:

1. I really shouldn’t bite my finger nails but I do. Especially in the car on the way to and from work, it is a bad habit and I know I need to stop doing it. Do they make a patch for this shit?

2. I own a cat. Don’t bash me for that, he is a “special” breed of cat and will be the subject of a future post.

3. I once worked as a life guard when I was a teenager. It took me three months of wearing SPF 500 to get a nice tan.

4. I coach basketball in a youth inner city league. I just finished my third year of coaching a boy’s team and a girl’s team. And yes I coached both of my kid’s teams.

5. I still want to do standup comedy somewhere but I am way too shy to get up in front of a crowd and actually do it. I would pass out quicker from being on stage than I would from having to get a shot (remember I am afraid of needles).

6. Sometimes I wish I had a really big family instead of the small one that I have. But then I remember what kind of a nightmare Thanksgiving is around my house without adding more people to the mix.

7. In college, my minor was theater. I had to take a costuming class and I actually can use a sewing machine without injuring myself. Hey don’t laugh; I needed something to help bring up my GPA.

Well that is pretty much it.

Thank you again Primed for giving me the award.

Don’t Save This Tata!!!

About a month ago a 22 year old “woman” named Jessica Tata who ran a home daycare here in Houston had her house catch fire and burn down. In the house were seven kids that she was taking care of. Of those seven kids, four died as a result of their burns and the other three kids lived but were badly burned. Tata herself was not injured in the fire. This happened on a Thursday afternoon.

On Thursday night the news reported that Tata had left the seven kids alone in her home to go to Target to get some groceries. When Tata had returned from Target, the house was already engulfed in fire.

On Friday the arson investigators got a tip that Tata was a flight risk and was planning on leaving the country. The investigators tried to get charges brought against Tata; however the district attorney said that there was not enough evidence to have Tata arrested.

On Saturday night, Tata boarded a flight for Nigeria (she was born here but her parents were Nigerian) and disappeared.

On Sunday night charges were filed against Tata for injury to a child but then they discovered that Tata had fled the country.

This case made national headlines and pissed a lot of people off. A Local reporter even traveled to Nigeria in hopes of actually trying to find her and get her to come back. Since then, Tata was either captured or turned herself in to authorities and is currently back here in Houston awaiting trial.

Since she came back she has been charged with bunch of charges including four counts of murder, three counts of attempted murder, and a ton of other charges.

A lot of people have tried to “defend” this idiot and her actions in the media. All kinds of excuses have been made like she was young and had not grown up yet. Now there is no damn excuse you can make for a jackass who puts a pot of oil on the stove, turns it on, and leaves the home with seven young kids alone. Hell even my kids know that you don’t ever do either of those things.

Some people have even gone after the parents of the dead kids saying that they should never have allowed their kids to be left with Tata. Um newsflash assholes, Tata was licensed by the State of Texas as a home daycare operator and had been inspected. What kind of jackass blames the victims anyway? Like the parents had some prior knowledge that Tata was going to do this. Let me tell you something, when you put your kids on the school bus in the morning, you don’t think that the bus driver is going to drive over a cliff and kill the whole busload of kids do you? Exactly.

And since Tata has been in jail, it has come to light now that her juvenile record has been released that she was accused of starting two fires when she was kid. Lovely.

A lot of things about this case really piss me off.

First why the fuck didn’t the district attorney charge her ass on Friday morning with 7 counts of child endangerment and put her in jail? That would have kept her in jail long enough to sort out all of the facts and would have kept her ass from fleeing in the first place. Especially since it was already reported on Thursday that she had left the kids alone.

Second the State of Texas needs to be able to look at peoples juvenile records when they come to the State for some kind of license like this.

Third, why is it that the State of Texas requires between 20-40 hours of training for a home daycare operator but close to 500 hours of training to become a damned barber?

Fourth, what the fuck is wrong with people today? I mean seriously who in the hell leaves seven kids home alone? Damn this one really pisses me off.

It just pisses me off that this damn woman killed four kids and injured three others because she is a dumb ass. Those kids didn’t deserve this. I say they should up the charges to capital murder, try her, convict her, and then burn the bitch at the stake. Now I know this goes against the whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing but I am pretty sure that in this case more than a few people would be willing to make an exception.

All About Oil

I figured since I work in the oil and gas industry that I would take a little time to educate you a little bit about oil. Especially since what the media tends to tell you about this industry is complete and utter bullshit 90% of the time.

Most people think that the only thing which comes from oil is gasoline and motor oil. That is not really all that comes from oil. A multitude of stuff is made from oil and has been for a really long time including stuff that you probably had no idea is made with or from crude oil.

The standard unit of measure when talking about oil is the barrel, which is 42 gallons. Of the 42 gallons of oil in barrel, here is the breakdown of what it is used to make.

19.4 gallons – gasoline

10.04 gallons – diesel

3.91 gallons – jet fuel

1.68 gallons – heavy fuel oil

1.24 gallons – heating oil

1.72 gallons – liquefied petroleum gases

6.80 gallons – other products

Now I know that the total here adds up to above 42 gallons, and that is because the process used to refine crude oil into something useful gets out more than the original amount. Pretty neat huh?

But what I really wanted to inform you about is the 6.80 gallons of crude oil that goes into making “other products”. Some of the products made from this portion of a barrel of crude oil are either made directly from the crude oil, or the crude oil is involved in some form or fashion of making the compounds used to make these other products.

Here is a nice little list of stuff made into these so called “other products”: cold cream, fan belts, refrigerators, movie film, car enamel, golf balls, contact lenses, shaving cream, toothpaste, drinking cups, ammonia, solvents, ink, upholstery, tires, dresses, cassettes, motor cycle helmets, cd players, curtains, vitamin capsules, dashboards, putty, percolators, skis, tool racks, mops, umbrellas, roofing, denture adhesive, speakers, tennis rackets, nylon rope, water pipes, shampoo, guitar strings, antifreeze, clothes, combs, vaporizers, heart valves, enamel, anesthetics, dentures, floor wax, sweaters, car bodies, bicycle tires, dishwasher parts, caulking, faucet washers, food preservatives, antihistamines, cortisone, dyes, life jackets, tv cabinets, car battery cases, slacks, yarn, toilet seats, linoleum, synthetic wood, rubber cement, candles, hand lotion, wheels, luggage, football helmets, toothbrushes, cd’s, dvd’s, balloons, crayons, pillows, artificial turf, model cars, motor oil, ballpoint pens, boats, nail polish, golf bags, tool boxes, petroleum jelly, antiseptics, basketballs, purses, deodorant, panty hose, rubbing alcohol, shag rugs, epoxy, insect repellent, fertilizers, fishing rods, ice cube trays, electric blankets, fishing boots, trash bags, roller skates, paint rollers, aspirin, awnings, ice chests, paint brushes, sun glasses, parachutes, dishes, artificial limbs, folding doors, bearing grease, football cleats, insecticides, fishing lures, perfumes, show polish, tape, clotheslines, soap, shoes, footballs, refrigerant, linings, electrician’s tape, paint, oil filters, hair coloring, lipstick, synthetic rubber, glycerin, dice, house paint, surf boards, shower curtains, safety glasses, eyeglasses, detergents, tents, telephones, cameras, bandages, and hair curlers.

That is just a list of roughly 100 or so of the products that are made from crude oil. There are THOUSANDS of products which are made either directly or indirectly from crude oil. And this does not include any of the associated natural gas or condensate related products which come from the gas phase during oil and gas production.

So why did I tell you all of this you ask? So that you can see that more comes from oil other than gasoline or travel related stuff. Plus in some of my upcoming posts I will refer you back to this post as well.

And if you are one of the anti-oil people, try living without all of the products that I listed above. Because unless you are Amish (and if you are Amish, chances are you are not reading this post), you are using crude oil. You don't hear the "environmentalists" talking about how they are "living like the Amish" when they lecture you about the evil oil and gas industry.

Final Four Baby!!!!

In case you did not know it, the Final Four of men’s college basket ball is here in Houston this weekend. And I am going to it. No I don’t have tickets to the games on Saturday or the final on Monday, but I am still going.

You see I am taking my kids out of school early on Friday right after lunch. Reliant Stadium (the site of the games this year) has a deal where you can get in free and park for free (I get to keep an arm and a leg) to watch all four teams practice. And after the practices are over, there is a college all star game to be played. So since the Final Four has not been here in 40 years, I would say that this is a once in a lifetime deal for me and the kids. So we are going to go and soak it all up. And the NCAA will be giving away tickets on Friday to people at the practices to the actual games this weekend. So cross your fingers, meditate, send positive thoughts, pray for me, put a bucket of KFC and some rum in front of Jobu, or do whatever you have to do to get me some tickets to the games.

Now I wanted Texas to be in the Final Four but they did not make it. So I will just have to live with UConn vs. Kentucky and VCU vs. Butler. This year’s tournament has played havoc on my bracket since my bracket was fucked by the end of the first weekend. Normally I do fairly well in my bracket with my friends but not this year.

All in all I am not really excited about the match ups as I would be in most years. But since this year has been a tossup I guess I will just have to live with it. It will be interesting though because a small school (either VCU or Butler) is guaranteed to be in the final.

Although I must admit to you readers that I am really excited that Kentucky has made the Final Four. Why you ask? Well I will tell you why. You see Kentucky’s number one fan is going to be here in Houston this weekend. And she happens to be one of the hottest, girl-next door, I would lick every inch of her naked body, bake you a burnt apple pie and you would still eat it types of women on the planet. And that woman is Ashley Judd.

I sure hope Kentucky makes it to the final so that they show Ashley on tv a lot.

Ladies you might want to look away from this point forward unless you like hot brunettes. Men folk, you can thank me in the comment section. God she looks good in them jeans.

By the way, it is only fitting for this blog that my 100th post has pictures of a very hot woman in it.