A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA For Kids

Warning there is SARCASM ahead and this is not to be taken seriously.

As you have all heard the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) has come out with the new enhanced body scanners (look at your junk machines) and full body pat downs (Gestapo style molestations) in the airports across America.

So to prepare people who are parents with young children, the TSA has come up with some ways that you can introduce your children to the process of being molested searched at the airport.

You can purchase one of these low cost play sets (pictured here) and allow your children to play with them. These play sets will teach children of all ages what to expect when they get to the airport. Follow up your children by talking to them and telling them that they will go through a metal detector (featured in play set) and also a machine that is cool and like an x-ray machine and will take a picture of them. Also tell them that a security officer may have to come and feel on their privates (bendy hose for little boys and too-toos for little girls) to make sure that they don’t have any guns, barbies, knives, plastic army men, heroin, milk in a bottle, hamsters, or other weapons, banned items or toys on them. Also explain to them that the same security agent may have to stick a finger in their asshole (tell them it is just like having their temperature checked) to also check for weapons of ass mass destruction. Hell while you are at it, it might be a good time to explain to your 3 year old the birds and the bees (you can kill 2 birds with 1 stone) at the same time.

If you feel uncomfortable with having that talk directly with your children, you can purchase this fine book at the same time that you purchase the play set. The book covers all aspects of the new security measures that will be encountered by your child at the airport. I mean at the end of the day the government already wants to tell you how to raise your kid anyways, why not go all out and tell your kids how to enjoy their first body cavity search. I would suggest starting to read the book to your child at bedtime at least 2 weeks before your anticipated travel date. And if you child can already read on their own, give the book to your child at least 3 weeks before the travel date so that they have plenty of time for comprehension.

To calm any fears your child might have, just remind your child that you will be there right by their side getting molested patted down and anally probed as well.

I hope you can see the craziness in what the TSA is doing to kids by feeling them up at the airport and are as outraged as I am by it.

Meanwhile in Hell, Michael Jackson is furious that his dream job has been created after his death.


  1. I am speechless and LMAOing at the same time. I love the book and the fact that the gov was considerate enough to mention that it's for ages 6 and up.

  2. LMAO I would bet Michael Jackson is definitely crying over the legalization of his dream job as well! I would prefer to drive over fly than let strangers touch my sons in the ways I've instilled in them that is not proper behavior for anyone to touch their "bendy hose" in any way! Fondling a child under the age of 18 is still illegal right?! Why would these parents subject their kids to strip searches instead of just have them walk through the all inclusive superman invasion ray that can see through clothes and skin! wow! great post!

  3. @ Marko, thanks for the following.

    @ Copyboy, that is how I was when I read this post before posting it.

    @ SSW, You are correct about Jackson. And yes it is still illegal for someone to touch a kid. And the parents don't really have a choice. The TSA can choose anyone for the formal molesting err patdown.

  4. My First Cavity Search...

    Why I oughta...

    :-) Funny post.


  5. This is the most outrageously hilarious sarcasm I have seen in a while. Fantastic job, OT. Thanks for the laughs. It's truly a pathetic, disturbing situation. xo

  6. @ Pearl, you know you got excited by the words "cavity search".

    @ Robyn, thank you.

  7. If this weren't so true it would be even more funny...

    But just think of the benefits for the child that wants to be a puppet when it grows up. Early practice, Timmy. Just relax. It only hurts for a minute.

  8. If I want my kid to get felt up I will just do it the old fashioned way and send them to Sunday School.

  9. Love the sarcasm here. The recent TSA security/molestation measures are beyond unreasonable. No child or adult should be subjected to that type of personal invasion especially randomly. Of course if there is a legitimate security risk then that is another story. ...Happy Weekend!


  10. I can understand wanting to keep the country safe but this is going much too far. I have never been more thankful that I have no plans to travel on the horizon.

    It was a great post and definately brought to your readers attention the sheer insanity of their "security measures". There is nothing okay with being groped in public by a stranger (unless that's what your into, in which case I'm not judging).

  11. @ Rabbit, exactly.

    @ Toastman, that is so true. I wonder how many Catholic priests have signed up to be TSA agents.

    @ Empress, You are correct.

    @ Jewels, You are correct.

  12. OMG!! That book ..... I just posted that today on my FB before I looked here....... great minds think alike I guess. I posted about this today. This whole debacle has made me think.. and I don't like to think !

  13. This is by far my fave Oilfield post evah! And, aaaawww poor Michael, missed the dream job by so little time!

  14. @ Nikki, I am glad you enjoyed it. And yes poor Michael just missed it by about a year. I think Alanis Morrisette should re-write her "Ironic" song to include the irony of Michael dying before he could fulfill his life long dream.

  15. @ Oilfield: too bad blogger isn't like facebook or I'd hit the "like" button to that statement you just made! ツ

  16. @ Nikki, I know what you mean. That is one feature I would like on her, but then again I aint the rule maker around here.

  17. OFT..

    see you on other blogs, notice you commented on the empress site, thought id give it a look..

    good stuff man!!!

    new follwer...

    you can check out my blogs, if you'd like or not...whatever...


    nad er i mean and


  18. If this weren't so close to reality, it would be funny. Instead, it's just scary as hell!

  19. @ Misfit, I realized that after I had posted this and re-read it a few times. I had gone for sarcasm and it turned into a almost to close for reality call.


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