A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Smart Bums

I am not sure if I am correct in thinking this, but I think we need a smarter, more intelligent class of bums these days. Some of them now do not seem to be very smart in their approach to asking for cash or who they ask in the first place and overall seem to be lacking in the common sense department. Now I am not bashing the homeless, as they all have a reason and a story behind why they are homeless. I am however thinking that they need some help in the successfully completing their quest for cash.

You see it used to be that living in the Houston area you would only get hustled by bums for cash when you ventured downtown for a ball game or a night on the town. But now they have over the years ventured out into the suburbs. There are now quite a few bums in my little tiny suburb of Houston that I see often. There is Mr. Car Wash hustler who lives in between the local Walgreens and the car wash. He is very smart and personable as he often helps people wash their cars and they give him some money. He is quick witted and funny, and I have often let him help wash my car and have given him food and money over the years.

However there are some bums in my area that are not very bright when it comes to asking for cash. Take a recent trip to my local grocery store that I made a couple of days before Christmas. I was coming out of the store on my way to my car (keep in mind I was very sick with the flu so I looked and probably smelled like microwaved dog shit in my holy jeans and t-shirt) when I get to my car I am approached by a bum asking me for some money. Now my car is an old, paid for, beat up, paint fading car that could use some work (much like its owner). I politely told the bum that I didn’t have any cash, which was true as I never carry cash. But that is not the messed up part, the messed up part is that at the same time as I was putting my groceries in my trunk (when I was approached), the lady in the very next parking spot was also putting her groceries in her trunk. She was an older woman maybe in her 50’s who was putting her groceries in her brand spanking new MERCEDES. You see the bum didn’t ask her for money, he asked me for money. Who has more available disposable income, the man putting two kids through private school in a pos car or the woman in the fucking MERCEDES? Common sense tells me the woman in the MERCEDES has more cash than the poor white guy. But the bum didn’t ask her for money because I stuck around to make sure she got in her car safely as we were the only people in the parking lot. This guy needs an education on who to ask money from.


Another example was a couple of days ago me and my brother went to a local burger joint to get some dinner together. We were coming out of the establishment and I got to the car quicker because I saw the bum coming (and I didn’t want to have a confrontation as I am very non-confrontational actually) and I got into the car. My brother however was not a quick as I was. The bum came up to my brother (while holding a working Blackberry cell phone) and asked him for a smoke. My brother said, “I don’t have any smokes” to which the bum replied, “You have a fucking smoke in your mouth.” My brother now pissed off tried to get in the car as the bum was getting closer and told my brother, “dude do you have some cash?” My brother just got into the car and we tried to drive off but the bum got in the way of me driving forward. So I just backed up and went around him while thinking he needs some work on his game. If you are going to ask for money and some smokes, you might want to put away your fucking Blackberry because when most people see that they are going to think if you have money for a fucking cell phone, you should have money for smokes and whatever it is that you need. Not only that but common sense says don’t get in the way of someone trying to drive away from you common-sense-lacking-ass might cause someone to panic and run you over.


So from my two examples you can clearly see that some bums need a little help with the hustling game. And therefore I have decided that I am going to pro-bono open up “Trash’s Hustling For Dollars School” here in my suburb so that they can be more successful in their endeavors to get cash for beer, crack, and cell phone bills food. Does anyone want to help sponsor my teaching position?

41 comments:

  1. I think it's a great idea - and I wouldn't go pro-bono, i'd make them pay me a commission. Your local bums are lucky to have you in their area.

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

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  2. @ Simpledude, what should I take in commission? 40 oz beers?

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  3. haha! i LOVE the picture of dave chappelle, sprinkling crack on toast.

    and what is up with the bum with the working blackberry SWEARING at your brother?!?!

    i wish i could help subsidize your school, but, you know, strippers need our crack too.

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  4. The NYC bums are super clever. They say things like, "What's the best nation in the world? THE DONATION!" and other hilarious things I can't recall at the moment. I am still stunned that the homeless Obama look-alike guy became famous overnight. I've been trying to become famous for years! WTH!

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  5. yep, I have 792 socks that have no match I would like to donate. Also my kid lived in NOLA and was an awesome bum, he would find someone on the street and say, " I bet you $10 I can tell you where you got those shoes, or I bet you $100 you can call my mom and she who is in another state can tell you where you got those shoes" inevitable my phone would ring, I would say, " on your feet". He would have enough cash for the day. Now that's parenting people.

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  6. @ Kage, thanks. And that is exactly what I was wondering as well.

    @ Ally, I have heard that about the bums in NY City.

    @ Peachy, I think your son hustled me and my brother when we were drunk and stumbling out of Harrah's Casino when we were last in Nola.

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  7. Most of your "bums" aren't bums at all. In fact, a lot of them make more money hustling in one day, than you do working for two days.

    That being said, I'm the optimistic type, and usually hand them a dollar on the off chance that they could be that ONE bum who really needs the money for his bottle of whiskey.

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  8. There's one guy here that begged all of the time, it was discovered he had €80,000 in the bank! Not sure if it was before or after he died that they found that out!

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  9. Lesson 1: Approaching (accosting) people in parking lots, especially lone women, in a state where 90% of the population knows how to use a gun is not the brightest idea you've ever had...

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  10. I must say that was very sweet of you to make sure the lady got in her car okay. Chivalry isn't dead! :) By the way, he probably figured she would just snub her nose at him and you probably understood his situation better. Just sayin'.. :)

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  11. we need to help to needed people, not fake needed

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  12. amazing how they drive better cars then we do and we're the working people

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  13. I am usually willing to help somebody out who asks me. But if they give me even the slightest bit of attitude or don't seem to need the money, I have no problem telling them to piss off. If a bum is asking for smokes or money for smokes, then he's too stupid to even talk to, and I just tell him to get away from me and do it fast. We have a lot of gypsies out here. They tend to wander around shopping center and grocery store parking lots trying to sell a sob story. It's totally organized and these folks have more money than most of us.

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  14. @ Misfit, that is sometimes true.

    @ Blah, wow. Just wow.

    @ Jen,m I totatlly agree.

    @ Krissy, thank you.

    @ Sharaf, I agree.

    @ Becca, sometimes that is true.

    @ Pat, I agree with you.

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  15. There was one time where I reached out to a bum. I was at a gas station and someone asked for a few dollars for some food. I told them I don't carry cash. He thanked me for my time and went on his way. A minute or so later I said "hey, you want a soda and a hot dog?" His face lit up and I went in and bought him some food.

    Fuck handing out cash!

    hed

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  16. I agree, the bums near me used to be a class better than they are now. They had gimmicks. Ahh, the 90s.

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  17. Heck yes I will sponsor you.

    Will a 6 pack of Mad Dog 20/20 get the job done?

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  18. I won't sponsor you because I should really be a bum at this moment in time.
    I will, however, assist you in teaching them how to not be completely fucktarded and such.
    You know, to put the crackberry away (*I* can't afford that!!) and to take off the fancy shoes and shit.
    Plus, they need to learn to dance or mime or play a one stringed guitar like the guy in the Quarter.

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  19. I avoid the city at all costs because I have a very hard time saying no when asked for money and if I do manage it I feel horrible afterwards. I also HATE not making eye contact with people and the only way to avoid being asked is by avoiding eye contact so I feel very ackward in the city always looking down at my feet (which I NEVER do). I agree though that there are some stupid bums out there in desperate need of marketing skills. I mean just look at this "golden voice" bum who is not on the Today show and Jimmy Fallon! Now that's how you do it!

    PS...you have an award waiting for you at my blog.

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  20. Working in downtown Minneapolis, I see panhandlers every now and then and I can tell you that I will never give an able-bodied man money. For some reason it infuriates me.

    On the other hand, if they are playing an instrument well, if they appear while I'm dropping stuff/obviously needing help, I am quick with help in return.

    Pearl

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  21. @ Hed, that is for sure the way to do it.

    @ Copyboy, that is so true.

    @ Tib, that is exactly the answer I was looking for. You are the winner.

    @ Miley, I appreciate the help.

    @ Jewels, I just saw that, thanks. And I agree.

    @ Pearl, that is the way to go for sure.

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  22. I once saw a bum with a "will work for food/need job" sign while standing under a "Now Hiring" sign at a pizza place in town. To this day- I regret not having my camera, which is why I carry it everywhere now. But we slowed down and pointed at the sign and he shouts at me something about deserving a management position. Well dude, you better fix your sign then. Ass.

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  23. when i was on the road, i used to hate the spangers that would hit up poeple near where i was playing.

    dude, f*ing get off my cloud and spange somewhere else!

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy
    dreamodeling!

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  24. @ Sara, thanks for stopping by and following. And I agree with you on that bums sign. Your story of that bum is even funnier than my story.

    @ Bruce, I hear you. Leeches are bad.

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  25. I thought I was the only one who gets the crazy people. Once a homeless guy asked me for money and I gave him a dollar. He asked me what was he supposed to get with a dollar. Are you kidding me? I snatched my dollar out of his hand and walked away. He acted like he was going to come after me. Then he saw my husband...my BIG husband.

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  26. Oilfield...you kill me as usual. Though I'm curious how you'd know what microwaved dog shit smells like? Or do I really want to know?

    In other news, you now have a fabulous award on my page...come on by to claim it. Though you're probably too cool for awards - I thought you deserved it anyway. :)

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  27. @ Hyde, I would have done the same thing you did. Well except for the big husband part.

    @ Sam, I am glad you liked it. And you really don't want to know. lol

    And thanks for the award. That is twice today I have received that award. So my post on Monday shall be dedicated to the award. Thank you again.

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  28. I agree too. Bums have no sense of what's hot these days. Nice blog and the name alone is worth the follow!

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  29. Don't give them any help, Oilfield Trash! They are already all up in my biznass everywhere I turn. One guy asked me for money for gas outside of National Tire & Battery. It wasn't at an intersection or anywhere he should've been begging for money. It freaked me out. That's why I got out my Chinese stars, struck him in the Achilles tendon and told him to leave me alone. Well, that's what I did in my head anyway.

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  30. @ Golden, thanks for stopping by and following.

    @ Kelley, since you are also in my same area, you can understand how I feel about this subject. And I am glad you whipped out the Chinese stars. Never quite know when those things will come in handy.

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  31. Can I open up a franchise in New York? I can pay you in sandwiches.

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  32. @ Toastman, sure go right ahead. And the sammiches idea would work really well.

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  33. Maybe being smart was how they came to be homeless in the first place, so they try the senseless 'have-your-phone-out-while-asking-for-cash' approach.

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  34. @ Max, that might be a good point there.

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  35. The guy who works/panhandles/begs at the intersection of Loop 250 and SH 191 in Midland lives right next to one of my customers (who works in Midland, but lives in another town)...in the America's Best Value Inn. Which costs, what, $90-130 per night?

    There's just something wrong with that dang picture. He probably parks his Denali pickup at Sam's Wholesale, across the street.

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  36. ted williams was makin 30-50 bucks at hour

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  37. @ Janie, that is so true. He does park his pickup across the stree.

    @ Horuss, that is true.

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  38. Wow. Reading these comments makes me realize I'm doing it all wrong. I shouldn't be trying to sell people things they use...I should just find an intersection and hold a cup.

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  39. @ Jen, I think you may be onto something there. Of course you could always hang out under the Pierce Elevated and hit up the weekend folks on canoes along Buffalo Bayou.

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  40. I appreciate it when they're honest. I'm more apt to buy you cigarettes and coffee than I am to give you $5. Just sayin.

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  41. @ Kelly, I agree with you on that. Coffee is great stuff.

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