A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 5

Well it has been a couple of months since my last post in my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” so here is another installment. This series is where I take some of my jackass Facebook posts and share them with you.

I just spent all day removing a virus from my laptop. It got a virus last night while I was reading a news story about Congressman Weiner. Even the news about him is infectious.

Am I the only one who has the urge to rip the speaker off the top of ice cream trucks when they roll through the neighborhood?

Hey menfolk, if you want to keep a woman from going through your cell phone, just rename it "kitchen" then it is almost guaranteed that no woman will go in it.

I think the powers that be need to invent a spray for wasps that does not kill them, but rather makes them leave your house and go to your neighbor’s house and sting them.

If I get married again I am going to Lake Charles instead of Vegas.

After -re-watching the US Women's world cup soccer game yesterday against North Korea, I must say I feel sorry for the people of that oppressed country. I mean how good can life be there when your country makes all the women on the soccer team have the same exact hair cut.

Happy-You-Knocked-Up-The-Wrong-Woman-Day.

If ABC was smart, they would have put Charilie Sheen on Dancing With The Stars....

I miss football so bad I am watching a Canadian Football League game.

I am curious to know which day of the week more people quit their jobs on. I am pretty sure it is Monday.

Walmart finally has the oral health isle figured out. They had toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and feminine products all on the same isle during my last visit.

Now that his term as governor is over does this mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to go back to making shitty b-rated action movies?

It should be mandatory in this country that in order to get a driver’s license you should be able to prove that you can walk through a crowded Walmart without walking into people and their baskets. If you can't do that you have no fucking business driving on the roadways.

If our country really wanted to stop the terrorists cold in their tracks, all the US has to do is make a 100 woman army made up of pissed off ex-wives along with 1 divorce attorney and drop them into where the terrorists are. The war would be over in days.

Did my ears deceive me just now? I thought I heard the guy on Fox say that an Astros player was playing in the All Star Game. Surely he can't be serious.

"Imma let you finish your trial Casey Anthony, but OJ Simpson's not guilty verdict was better" - Kanye West

33 comments:

  1. These are as good as ever, need this more often.

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  2. I run toward ice cream trucks. I'm still a fat kid inside.

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  3. Always close with your best stuff. Nice.

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  4. Hahahahahahahaha. I nearly spit coffee on my computer monitor.

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  5. @ Lurker, thank you. I will try to do this more often.

    @ Joshua, sometimes I do that.

    @ George, thank you.

    @ Mash, that is always a compliment to my work. Thanks.

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  6. Kitchen one must've gotten quite a reaction from the womenfolk.

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  7. thanks for the laugh. I really need to add you on FB so I can get these.

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  8. I’m not convinced wasp spray does what it says at all, I’ve been spraying all day and they only seem to be growing stronger.

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  9. I could use that magic spray for the wasps. My above neighbors with the dog could use some stinging.

    Sure, it's probably cause I grew up in Canada but I love the CFL. But yeah, thank God football is back. I've been like an addict listening to all the trades going on.

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  10. @ Copyboy, a few women got their panties in a wad. I told them that going in the kitchen gets them out of a wad.

    @ Rosie, no problem. Yes you do.

    @ Drake, I can agree with that. My spray doesn't work worth a shit. But then again I am only pissing on them.

    @ TS, I hear you.

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  11. I normally keep the WASPs away by serving hot dogs and beans while wearing my wife-beater.
    And then popping a can of Natural Light whilst sitting on a lounge chair I bought at Walmart.
    "Oh, lovey, how simply gauche!"

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  12. They need to make a wasp spray that kills them IMMEDIATELY instead of just pissing them off so they fly out and go into attack mode. It's hard to believe that they can't manage that...I don't think it is asking for much.

    As for that Kanye bit I about died laughing.

    The Astros comment left me with one thought I have to get out, "I am serious and please don't call me Shirley"

    I am pretty sure that I got a virus on my computer from googling "bukkake" last night...ooops.

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  13. I like these so much, I'm gonna look for you on facebook. That last one is my favorite.
    xoRobyn

    PS I'm blogging away but my posts are back to not feeding. Please don't stop visiting. Thanks.
    xoRobyn

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  14. @ Al, you my friend are my humor idol.

    @ Jewels, that is a good point about the wasps.

    @ Robyn, I just sent you a friend request.

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  15. The oral health one was my favorite. I laughed out loud and woke up my napping kiddo as we're both on the couch....damn you! But it was funny. Haaaaa!

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  16. Hey, you bite your tongue about 'having' to watch the CFL. Most exciting football out there. WEll, maybe behind Australian rules. Have you seen how short those shorts are?!? Haha. Bummer about the laptop, mine caught one last night too. Strange, must be something going around this part of Texas.

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  17. @ Daffy, I am sorry I caused you to wake up your sleeping kiddo. But if you would have heard me laugh when I was at Walmart and saw this shit, you would have laughed with me so loud it would have woken up the dead.

    @ Barb, thank you very much.

    @ Texa, sorry I am more of a fan of American Football.

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  18. Ahnuld's next movie will not even manage B-movie status.

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  19. "Am I the only one who has the urge to rip the speaker off the top of ice cream trucks when they roll through the neighborhood?"
    No sir. You are not the only one.

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  20. That last one about OJ was great. Way to end it on top. They should poll the jurors from the Casey case to see if they thought OJ was not guilty.

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  21. I miss football so bad, I re-watched my DVD of the Longhorns-USC Championship game. God Bless, that was a great game.

    So, do I have to ask...

    ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

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  22. @ Tony, that is probably true.

    @ Dawn, glad I am not alone in that.

    @ Toastman, thank you very much.

    @ Virgin, yes I miss football. And I watched that game two times in the last 3 months.

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  23. Are these your status updates on FB?

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  24. Yes please. Football please. Kanye West is a tool.

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  25. Is it sad that I've never had an ice cream truck roll through my neighborhood?

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  26. Wonderful as always, sorry I am late. Been AWOL the last couple of days

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  27. Ha! Love these! I wish I was your FB friend so I could see them all the time. :) You are so right about that kitchen/phone one.

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  28. @ Cinderita, yes they sure are. Some of mine are funny and some are serious. The funny ones make it here.

    @ Ib, yes we need football.

    @ Ruth, maybe you live in a nice neighborhood.

    @ Mynx, thank you.

    @ Kelley, send me an email with your email you use for Facebook and I will send you a friend request.

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  29. It is OBVIOUS you are not dating a Southern woman because I totally toted an homemade apple pie to the bartenders at my favorite bar the other night. So you'd best rethink that 'kitchen' comment. PS - I hope this makes sense. I'm kind of drunk now.

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  30. @ Anna, I have dated a ton of southern women who couldn't heat up a tv dinner to save their life.

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  31. Awww, you used a text I sent you in a blog. So sweet!

    I have been cooking a lot. It's a shame you don't visit much.

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