A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 4

Here is another post from my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you some of my funny or smart ass posts on Facebook.

I was in Game Stop last night with the kids when I noticed that they had a "Michael Jackson:The Experience" PS3 game. How can it be a Michael Jackson game and not come with Jesus juice, one glove, a monkey, and an inflatable 9 year old boy?

I think all of the people who are against abortion should be forced to eat dinner at least once in their life at a Cici's Pizza.

For those of you that are sad that the rapture didn't come, cheer up it's not the end of the world.

I wonder if Arnold Schwarzenegger would have made his mistress have an abortion would he have said right after the procedure, "Hasta La Vista, Baby".

No rapture huh? There went my plan of looting Specs Liquor and Best Buy.

Ladies and gentlemen, that sound you hear is thunder. The stuff you see falling from the sky is rain. Yes I know these two events combined are something you have not seen in many many months, but it is not the end of the world.

Post rapture party starts tonight around 7pm at a yet to be determined strip club since I am fairly certain the strippers will still be here after 6pm.

Dear Monday, can you please do all of us a favor and go fuck yourself. Thanks.

If Muslims could smell this ham that is cooking in my oven, I am pretty sure they would re-think that whole "I can't eat a pig" thing.

After being outside playing with my kids all day I have come to a conclusion. They really need to make Big Wheels for adults.

Al-Qaida on Friday confirmed the killing of Osama bin Laden and warned of retaliation, saying Americans' "happiness will turn to sadness". - I was married once; there is nothing that Al-Qaida can do to me that was worse than my marriage.

These rain clouds are more teasing than a stripper in the club on a Friday night. Do I have to wave a few dollar bills to get some rain?

How is Christina Aquilera on a damn singing show when she can't even sing a simple song like the National Anthem?

The only thing the damn Easter Bunny left me was the bill for all of the shit the kids got and the bill for the meal that I have to cook. Thanks you little fucker, when I catch you I am making stew out of your ass.

I wonder if Muslim men get to see their future bride without the burka on before the wedding. I mean imagine the surprise when you get home after the wedding, and pull off the burka for the first time, and she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker on a bad day.

Well until next time…..

54 comments:

  1. A) I want a grown up big-wheel
    B) Why's everybody always gotta be hatin' on SJP?

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  2. This was the best......."I think all of the people who are against abortion should be forced to eat dinner at least once in their life at a Cici's Pizza."...... until I read this.... "Dear Monday, can you please do all of us a favor and go fuck yourself. Thanks."

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  3. or even fucking worse! Roseanne!!!

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  4. You obviously didn't pre-order the special edition of The Michael Jackson Experience. It came with the juice, a glove, a monkey, and a ferris wheel. The Limited Collector's Edition came with all that and the doll.

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  5. I have always wanted a big wheel and still am jealous when the neighborhood kids get out on the street in theirs!

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  6. I wondered the same thing about Christina Aguilera. And she's a COACH on the show! She's supposed to teach people?!?!

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  7. I'm going to guess Cici's Pizza is really bad?

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  8. can't say that i don't agre with you.. Christina Aquilera can't sing that is a fact

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  9. I love the smell of pig cooking and yes... they should make an adult version of the big wheel, until then my 4-wheeler will have to work.

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  10. @ Yandie, I want one as well. And because she looks like a horse.

    @ Lurker, thank you.

    @ Lass, exactly.

    @ Joshua, I knew I was doing something wrong.

    @ Laughingmom, same here.

    @ Chio, yep you said it.

    @ Ruth, Cici's Pizza is ok it is the mobs of kids in their misbehaving that piss me off about the place.

    @ Dejch, yep.

    @ Rosie, you are correct.

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  11. Let's be honest here, If you say strippers are going to be here after the rapture, the bastards at best buy and the lovely people at a liquor store will still be here too.

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  12. 1) Monday DOES need to go fuck itself, and Tuesday can too after a 3 day weekend.

    2) I want that adult Big Wheel! Although some of us might have trouble getting up from that position when we are done.

    3) Don't cook the Easter Bunny... please! Your children will never forgive you.. or at least I won't. :)

    Those were all awesome though. I needed those laughs today, so thanks!

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  13. Put me down for the "Big Kid" model of the Big Wheel. Mine was from the show CHiP's & had a rear-view mirror & siren with Ponch on it. I was stylin' that b***h.

    Al-Quaeda's got NOTHIN' on my ex-wife (or yours, I imagine). If they want to see a REAL war on terror, I recommend a brigade of crazy ex-wives dropped in the middle of Quandahar province. They'll be pleading for mercy in three days. Or Sarah Jessica Parker without makeup.

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  14. @ Not, you might be right.

    @ Krissy, ok I will let the Easter Bunny off the hook this time. And you are welcome.

    @ Thomas, if you throw in a divorce attorney as well that would be one unstoppable army.

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  15. Awesome facebook posts!! I am jealous. I usually get the retarded ones like "Oh no baby just made a poopy" or some other mommybook thing that makes me want to punch them over the internet.

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  16. I'm almost small enough to fit my ass in one of those big wheels...I'm not sure thats something to brag about though.

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  17. My favorite part in here is the inflatable 9 year old. Good jokes, OT.
    xoRobyn

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  18. @ Texa, I normally try to keep it funny on facebook.

    @ Brandy, you say that like it is a bad thing.

    @ Robyn, thank you I am glad you liked them.

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  19. Too funny. That shit about Easter was too funny.

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  20. I was singing to myself that song about balls.. the balls song... hehe... go you. OINK

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  21. The pork thing....man I had the best smoked bbq'd pulled pork the other day....mouth watering I tell ya! And the marriage one...whew lawdy... if that ain't the truth!

    When everyone was posting their Rapture Play List I thought it would be pretty funny to hear that song "its raining men" but with the disclaimer that you probably don't want to date any of them since they are likely the 'rejects'.

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  22. God love Facebook and its many demented and hilarious contributors!

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  23. @ Ally, funny but true.

    @ Peachy, now that is funny.

    @ Daffy, hilarious. And I was not picturing that song when that day happened. Although it would be a good one for a woman to sing.

    @ Shannon, yep.

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  24. Nice, Mr. O.T. I agree with the individual who brought up a great point—we indeed need Big Wheels equipped for adults. Hydraulics and spinners should be included.

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  25. haha these were gems! I loved the rapture ones and the waving of ones to make it rain! :) I would run for the hills is I ever uncovered somebody's face and saw SJP on ANY day! She is beastly!

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  26. Rain? Someone actually has rain? We're in a drought.

    I'll take a big wheel as well.

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  27. Dear Monday is my favorite. I always feel that way on Mondays. Well, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday too.

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  28. LMAO at the looting one! I'd be right beside you at Best Buy. Also? Big Wheels rock!
    I think this is my favorite of your series's. Then again, I think this is your only series. lol

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  29. @ Emma, I think I need to make that invention.

    @ Copyboy, it was a good one.

    @ Jewels, I am glad that you agree.

    @ Karen, we never got the rain I was referring to. We are also in a drought.

    @ Cake, I feel that way all the time about all days I have to get up early. But that particular Monday was rough.

    @ Dawn, yep I was not alone in my desires for a new flat screen tv.

    @ Fpotd, thank you.

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  30. let me guess still no rapture damn and here i thought i take over the world well maybe next

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  31. nice, and i will add- my condolences to you!
    reminds me of the time we took a large group of 20-something adults to a chuck e cheese [sounds like the kind of place you talk about] and started by tailgating in the parking lot before we even went in- and then proceeded to drink pitchers of high life and really get rowdy. it was unbelievably bad/amazing... acting nuts, scarring kids, jumping in the germ vat/ball pit... basically taking over the place and making total asses of ourselves.
    may i suggest that you do this?
    i still wonder why the cops never were called.

    now go make a strong drink, and relax the night away...

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  32. Still laughing over the Cici's comment. Now as for the big wheel, that would be awesome if they made them for adults. I'd then know what to ask Santa for Christmas.

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  33. @ Becca, just be patient.

    @ Violet, a good drink sounds perfect right now.

    @ Manager, thanks.

    @ Empress, if you have ever been in a Cici's than you know why I am saying that. And I want a big wheels as well.

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  34. Why stop at Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday can go fuck themselves along with their shit head friend Monday!

    To market, to market to bring home the brew - you know, to go with that ham you’re cooking. What time was dinner?

    I can see your issue with Bugs if you’re a guy, but us gals will tell you to leave the Rabbit alone!

    You could have put the period after Parker and left off the “on a bad day” - just sayin”!

    Look forward to the next time...
    Jenny

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  35. I definitely have to friend you on FB, your comments are way too funny. I feel bad for all those poor Muslim women that have to smell their non-deodorant wearing, take a shower a month husbands.

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  36. LMAO! These were funny! I especially liked your "Dear Monday" one! :)

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  37. I think that comparison to your marriage made me pee a little bit.

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  38. A grown up big wheel. Isn't that called a car?

    Funny stuff, OT

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  39. @ Pearson, yep you said it.

    @ Alessandra, you should.

    @ Yvonne, thank you.

    @ D'Artagnan, well it is true.

    @ Cajun, oh no they are different.

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  40. I agree. Adult bigwheels would kick ass. I would even settle for cutting a hole in the floorboards of my car. It would probably move faster...

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  41. They are all so good that I don't think I could pick a favorite. Seriously, wasn't all that rapture crap a hoot. My local JWs came to my door yesterday to give me my monthly issue of Watchtower. I asked them if they were unhappy because they didn't get to "ascend." They said they were... I don't belive it, but that's what they said.

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  42. Specs Liquor??? I guess if you're too blotto to read the label without needing your spectacles, you're too blasted to keep drinking.

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  43. noice....

    good for a laugh as usual!

    rock on my brother!

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  44. Big wheels were the shit! But, I was always jealous of the boys who had the "green machine" - imagine trying to ride THAT after you looted Specs Liquor store...

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  45. 2 days... no post... where are you

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  46. @ Rose, you are correct.

    @ Pat, you crack me up.

    @ Zertuzzi, thanks.

    @ Al, yes Specs is the name of a local liquor store chain. They are pretty nice actually.

    @ Bruce, that is what I am here for.

    @ Reck, yes big wheels were the shit. I couldn't loot the fridge after getting trashed.

    @ Rosie, sorry I have been an extremely busy mofo lately.

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  47. Everyone on Facebook needs a friend like you!

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  48. Good stuff! Today, I posted this: "FB = Fuck'n Broken. Again. Anyone try to, unsuccessfully, view a photo lately? Got message issues lately? Yes, and yes."

    The Rapture? Totally anticlimactic. (I posted something to that effect, too.)

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  49. Or she looks like Danny DeVito with a Brazilian.

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