A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Fathers Day Gifts

Well in case you didn’t know it, Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday. So now is the time to get yourself up off of the couch and get your dad a nice little something for Father’s Day.

I am here to help you give you a little advice in getting your dad a gift. Now this advice is not for buying a dead beat douche bag father a gift. This advice is for getting a gift for the fathers out there that have and continue to handle their business. And chances are since he is such a hard working man; he is not appreciated throughout the year so make this gift a nice one.

Now if you are buying your dad a gift or if you are a woman buying your husband a gift from you and the kids whatever you do follow this advice. Do not under any circumstances buy him a god damned neck tie. Seriously no man likes and enjoys wearing a tie; men only wear them when they have to wear them. You show me a man who enjoys wearing a neck tie and I will show you a man who needs a vasectomy performed by me kicking him in the balls. Women don’t like to wear tampons because they want to; they wear them because they have to. Now you wouldn’t buy a woman a box of tampons for Mother’s Day would you? So don’t even think about buying a neck tie for your dad for Father’s Day.

Since neck ties are out, you should get your dad something that he likes. You should already know what you dad likes, and if you don’t shame on you.

If he likes to fish, get him some fishing related stuff or get him a gift card to some place like Academy or Bass Pro Shops. If he likes movies, get him a Netflix membership or a gift card so he can buy some movies. Basically what I am saying is that you should get him something that he actually likes and that is practical in the sense that he will actually use it.

In addition to getting him a gift, you should also cook him his favorite meal. Or take him out to his favorite restaurant to eat. And let him be completely lazy on Father’s Day as well. He should not have to do anything at all but be lazy and enjoy the day.

And if you can’t find him a decent gift, then you could always get him a gift card to his favorite strip club so he can get a lap dance and some beer since chances are if he is married he isn’t getting any love at home. You know because nothing says Happy Fathers Day like a lap dance and a nine dollar Bud Light.

So there you have it, happy shopping!


  1. I'm going to a soccer tournament for my daughter on Father's Day (a baseball game would have been better, but soccer will do).
    Then the kids are taking me to see a movie (NO CHICK FLICKS ALLOWED). Something with explosions and gratuitous violence (no sex scenes, though. After all, these are my kids! Who, come to think of it, are the direct consequences of a couple of sex scenes. Still...these are my kids!!).
    Then, to the Chinese buffet for General Tso's chicken. Or Wang's Cat, for all I know. As long as I don't know, what do I care?
    And, since it's Father Day...screw the yard.

  2. My young boss told me the other day that ties cause erection problems. I think that is a very good reason not to take the risk and give a tie as a gift.
    Hope you have a lovely Fathers Day. You totally deserve to get spoilt

  3. Amen brother especially the last suggestion.

  4. And socks. Stay away from ties and socks.

    I'd like to add some kind of electronic gadget to this list. An iPad, smartphone... something shiny.

    Or, you know, the lap dance and nine dollar beer.

  5. I used to give my dad coupons. You know, "good for one baseball game", "good for one car wash" etc.

    Not super awesome, but I was like, seven. lol

  6. Neck ties are out, bow ties are cool.

  7. I'll give him my own lap dance, those Tarts are fekking expensive!

    Besides I've already decided to buy him a neck tie and matching slippers!

  8. Well! What a co-inky-Dink! I wrote about lap dances today, too! Kind of. Sort of. A little bit.
    Thx for the ideas. They are pretty damn good!

  9. Well this holliday does not mean anything to me.. but thanks anyway

  10. I usually just send The Wife an email with a link that says "Buy This. It's $26." Two years ago I got a black t-shirt with the words "That's What She Said." Last year, it was a Doctor Who shirt.

  11. BWHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't forget to add in the "tip" for the lap dance and the beer ;)

  12. If I give my baby daddy a lap dance at home, then I can give him more than one beer for $9. I'm always looking to save more lol.

  13. I'm a big fan of father's day, because I'm estranged from my dad. It's a cheap easy non-holiday for me.

    This weekend I plan on driving 1800 miles to see my kids. I love being a daddy, and want to make sure they don't have a relationship with me like the one I have with my dad.

  14. @ Al, you sir crack me up.

    @ Mynx, I have heard that as well. And I probably wont be getting spoiled this year.

    @ Lurker, that is exactly why I suggested it.

    @ Jeff, you are right about the socks.

    @ Chio, I would love it if my kids did something like that.

    @ Drake, bow ties are not cool either.

    @ Lass, you bad girl you.

    @ Dawn, I will have to check it out.

    @ Djech, no problem.

    @ Paul, exactly.

    @ Joshua, that will work as well.

    @ Rosie, ah true don't forget the tip.

    @ Brandy, ah yes that is very true. Please do that.

    @ Lost, keep doing what you are doing sir.

  15. Aw man, my dad will love a gift card to a strip club, great idea! haha. Just wonder where you swipe the gift card to redeem the lap dance. Ba-dum-tsh. I'll be here all night!

  16. Honeyman is easy, my dad is not.
    I know what my dad likes but that does not translate. He hunts. I bought him a new shotgun case. He doesn't use it. He smokes. I bought him a nice zippo. Used it for a while and than quit. Claimed he ran out of fluid and flints. Got him those and he still doesn't use it. Are ya seeing a pattern? So he gets a phone call.

  17. A trip to In-n-Out is a must, and a new phone would be good this year.

  18. :-) That was pretty funny.

    My dad enjoys music with accordions in it. Hmm.


  19. Beer and lap dance? Check. I was just gonna send my husband a father's day card from one of his ex's as a joke. I think he'll like your suggestion better.


  20. @ Texa, yep you guessed it correctly.

    @ Ruth, your dad would like the trip to the strip club.

    @ Tim, that would be a good gift.

    @ Pearl, thank you. Some polka might work for him.

    @ Heather, see I am good for something.

  21. Believe it or not my Dad loves ties. I know, right.

  22. Wish I could at least give my Dad a hug but he's in Gold River, BC and I'm here in Alberta.
    The lapdance thing is interesting mind you. I wouldn't buy him one anywhere he lives near to since they're pretty cheap skanks. Only the top notch skanks for my Daddy!

  23. I used to make something for my Dad when I was a kid. Something that referenced what he liked. He loved getting things like that. I wish he was still here so I could spoil him.

  24. I never take a chance. The standing FD gift list from me consists of tools and/or gift certificates. Buy me a tie and I'll hang you with it...

  25. I think I'll purchase the beer and lap dance for myself just in case the DW and Clowns don't come through.

  26. This holiday is a tough one. My Dad lives far away and has everything he could want and if he doesn't, I can't afford it. I usually send him nuts. The hubby, I will definatley let him have the day off, take him to dinner, make him pay me to give him a lap dance. I'll leave some random cash in his pocket and demand a generous tip. Happy Father's Day to YOU! (Maybe we should all chip in for your lap dance and beer?)

  27. How do men feel about those super sexy bolo ties? That was what I was thinking of for my Father...thoughts?

    Kidding. My father circles things in his fishing/hunting magazines then leaves them conveniently lying around the house. His stuff has already been ordered! :) Great advice you are giving here though!

  28. I love your suggestions! But what are your thoughts on buying Dad a subscription to Internet p*rn?

  29. There are a few problems with Father's Day this year. My family are going on a trip and they'll be gone that weekend, and they are leaving me here.

    So what should I do?


  30. Are you having your kids read this, OT? For your sake, I hope so.

  31. @ Copyboy, I am sorry.

    @ Galore, yes only top notch skanks for dads.

    @ Barb, that was sweet of you.

    @ Pat, I agree with you on the hanging bit.

    @ Tony, sounds like a plan.

    @ Kristen, that would be awesome.

    @ Jewels, your dad is smart.

    @ Minxy, thank you. That would work for me. lol

    @ Ditz, Umm have something waiting for him when he gets back.

    @ Robyn, my kids most likely won't be here for fathers day. And since their mother is a broke lady I more than likely won't get shit. Hence why I asked for the strip club gift card.

  32. I love the label...Common sense....and the strip club idea? AHH MAZING! I actually LIKE gift buying. What I have trouble with is I always find stuff I REALLY want to buy someone and its totally out of my price range....but...who needs to cable. Its not like theres ever anything good on TV anyway, right?

  33. I'm getting my dad a bike rack - he should like it

  34. Excellent gift recommendations. I'm still laughing at your reference to tampons, not to mention your gift suggestion for a trip to the local strip club. Good daddy's deserve something they will enjoy in honor of their special day. Now which gifts will you be hoping to recieve?

    The Ranter’s Box

  35. Father's Day is not till September here in Aus so not something I have to worry about it for a while yet..........I do think you gave some good gift ideas and did get a chuckle about the tampons.......

    Made me think do you give someone fags because they smoke or toilet paper because they are full of shit.....no you don't you make thing about it but it is not something you do.........

  36. Great suggestions OT! I hope you get something super-special on Father's day!

  37. @ Daffy, thank you. And yes you are correct there is nothing on tv anyways. I only have cable for the sports.

    @ Timmy, that would be a cool gift.

    @ Empress, thank you. I will more than likely not be getting anything since my kids have no money and my is a broke woman. So yea.

    @ Jo-Anne, well you still have some time. And I agree with you.

    @ Yvonne, I won't be getting anything at all since my kids will be in Georgia with their grand parents.

    @ Janie, thank you.

  38. I am proud to say I have never gotten my dad a tie. This year, I'm getting him The Pacific on DVD. He loves war movies/series--big time historian. So, hopefully he will like that. :) Have you seen it or know anything about it?

  39. @ Virgin, you are my hero. And yes he should like it. I have never seen it but I have heard that it was good.

  40. I'm getting Matt a non-ghetto grill. He has a really piece of shit dinky thing that's embarrassing to carry out of the garage. So he's getting a non ghetto grill. And he can do just as much around the house as I had to do on Mother's Day. Fair's fair. ;)

  41. @ Sara, you are a good woman for that.

  42. Father's Day is not until September here, but no doubt The Aussie will now be asking for the gift card for a lap dance. :)

  43. Thanks for the gift guide! Without the reminder, I probably would have forgotten that FD was coming up. Just like he forgot MD.

    He's not getting a lap dance. Oh hell no.

  44. @ Cajun, you could always give the Aussie the lap dance and a gift card for beer!

    @ Rottenmom, no problem.


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