A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Fathers Day Gifts

Well in case you didn’t know it, Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday. So now is the time to get yourself up off of the couch and get your dad a nice little something for Father’s Day.

I am here to help you give you a little advice in getting your dad a gift. Now this advice is not for buying a dead beat douche bag father a gift. This advice is for getting a gift for the fathers out there that have and continue to handle their business. And chances are since he is such a hard working man; he is not appreciated throughout the year so make this gift a nice one.

Now if you are buying your dad a gift or if you are a woman buying your husband a gift from you and the kids whatever you do follow this advice. Do not under any circumstances buy him a god damned neck tie. Seriously no man likes and enjoys wearing a tie; men only wear them when they have to wear them. You show me a man who enjoys wearing a neck tie and I will show you a man who needs a vasectomy performed by me kicking him in the balls. Women don’t like to wear tampons because they want to; they wear them because they have to. Now you wouldn’t buy a woman a box of tampons for Mother’s Day would you? So don’t even think about buying a neck tie for your dad for Father’s Day.

Since neck ties are out, you should get your dad something that he likes. You should already know what you dad likes, and if you don’t shame on you.

If he likes to fish, get him some fishing related stuff or get him a gift card to some place like Academy or Bass Pro Shops. If he likes movies, get him a Netflix membership or a gift card so he can buy some movies. Basically what I am saying is that you should get him something that he actually likes and that is practical in the sense that he will actually use it.

In addition to getting him a gift, you should also cook him his favorite meal. Or take him out to his favorite restaurant to eat. And let him be completely lazy on Father’s Day as well. He should not have to do anything at all but be lazy and enjoy the day.

And if you can’t find him a decent gift, then you could always get him a gift card to his favorite strip club so he can get a lap dance and some beer since chances are if he is married he isn’t getting any love at home. You know because nothing says Happy Fathers Day like a lap dance and a nine dollar Bud Light.

So there you have it, happy shopping!
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46 comments:

  1. Al PenwasserJune 13, 2011 at 5:15 AM

    I'm going to a soccer tournament for my daughter on Father's Day (a baseball game would have been better, but soccer will do).
    Then the kids are taking me to see a movie (NO CHICK FLICKS ALLOWED). Something with explosions and gratuitous violence (no sex scenes, though. After all, these are my kids! Who, come to think of it, are the direct consequences of a couple of sex scenes. Still...these are my kids!!).
    Then, to the Chinese buffet for General Tso's chicken. Or Wang's Cat, for all I know. As long as I don't know, what do I care?
    And, since it's Father Day...screw the yard.

    ReplyDelete
  2. not displayedJune 13, 2011 at 5:22 AM

    My young boss told me the other day that ties cause erection problems. I think that is a very good reason not to take the risk and give a tie as a gift.
    Hope you have a lovely Fathers Day. You totally deserve to get spoilt

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Angry LurkerJune 13, 2011 at 5:45 AM

    Amen brother especially the last suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
  4. JeffJune 13, 2011 at 5:58 AM

    And socks. Stay away from ties and socks.

    I'd like to add some kind of electronic gadget to this list. An iPad, smartphone... something shiny.

    Or, you know, the lap dance and nine dollar beer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownJune 13, 2011 at 6:00 AM

    I used to give my dad coupons. You know, "good for one baseball game", "good for one car wash" etc.

    Not super awesome, but I was like, seven. lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. Drake SigarJune 13, 2011 at 6:38 AM

    Neck ties are out, bow ties are cool.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A Daft Scots LassJune 13, 2011 at 6:57 AM

    I'll give him my own lap dance, those Tarts are fekking expensive!

    Besides I've already decided to buy him a neck tie and matching slippers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dawn@Lighten Up!June 13, 2011 at 6:59 AM

    Well! What a co-inky-Dink! I wrote about lap dances today, too! Kind of. Sort of. A little bit.
    Thx for the ideas. They are pretty damn good!

    ReplyDelete
  9. DejchJune 13, 2011 at 7:16 AM

    Well this holliday does not mean anything to me.. but thanks anyway

    ReplyDelete
  10. UnknownJune 13, 2011 at 7:25 AM

    Here, here!

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 7:25 AM

    I usually just send The Wife an email with a link that says "Buy This. It's $26." Two years ago I got a black t-shirt with the words "That's What She Said." Last year, it was a Doctor Who shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  12. RosalindJune 13, 2011 at 7:33 AM

    BWHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't forget to add in the "tip" for the lap dance and the beer ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Brandy WilcoxenJune 13, 2011 at 7:39 AM

    If I give my baby daddy a lap dance at home, then I can give him more than one beer for $9. I'm always looking to save more lol.

    ReplyDelete
  14. UnknownJune 13, 2011 at 7:44 AM

    I'm a big fan of father's day, because I'm estranged from my dad. It's a cheap easy non-holiday for me.

    This weekend I plan on driving 1800 miles to see my kids. I love being a daddy, and want to make sure they don't have a relationship with me like the one I have with my dad.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oilfield TrashJune 13, 2011 at 8:42 AM

    @ Al, you sir crack me up.

    @ Mynx, I have heard that as well. And I probably wont be getting spoiled this year.

    @ Lurker, that is exactly why I suggested it.

    @ Jeff, you are right about the socks.

    @ Chio, I would love it if my kids did something like that.

    @ Drake, bow ties are not cool either.

    @ Lass, you bad girl you.

    @ Dawn, I will have to check it out.

    @ Djech, no problem.

    @ Paul, exactly.

    @ Joshua, that will work as well.

    @ Rosie, ah true don't forget the tip.

    @ Brandy, ah yes that is very true. Please do that.

    @ Lost, keep doing what you are doing sir.

    ReplyDelete
  16. TexaGermaFinlaNadianJune 13, 2011 at 9:26 AM

    Aw man, my dad will love a gift card to a strip club, great idea! haha. Just wonder where you swipe the gift card to redeem the lap dance. Ba-dum-tsh. I'll be here all night!

    ReplyDelete
  17. RuthJune 13, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    Honeyman is easy, my dad is not.
    I know what my dad likes but that does not translate. He hunts. I bought him a new shotgun case. He doesn't use it. He smokes. I bought him a nice zippo. Used it for a while and than quit. Claimed he ran out of fluid and flints. Got him those and he still doesn't use it. Are ya seeing a pattern? So he gets a phone call.

    ReplyDelete
  18. trilesJune 13, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    A trip to In-n-Out is a must, and a new phone would be good this year.

    ReplyDelete
  19. PearlJune 13, 2011 at 11:47 AM

    :-) That was pretty funny.

    My dad enjoys music with accordions in it. Hmm.

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  20. Heather (aka Sugar Free)June 13, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Beer and lap dance? Check. I was just gonna send my husband a father's day card from one of his ex's as a joke. I think he'll like your suggestion better.

    Cheers!
    SF

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oilfield TrashJune 13, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    @ Texa, yep you guessed it correctly.

    @ Ruth, your dad would like the trip to the strip club.

    @ Tim, that would be a good gift.

    @ Pearl, thank you. Some polka might work for him.

    @ Heather, see I am good for something.

    ReplyDelete
  22. CopyboyJune 13, 2011 at 12:03 PM

    Believe it or not my Dad loves ties. I know, right.

    ReplyDelete
  23. CkretsGaloreJune 13, 2011 at 12:15 PM

    Wish I could at least give my Dad a hug but he's in Gold River, BC and I'm here in Alberta.
    The lapdance thing is interesting mind you. I wouldn't buy him one anywhere he lives near to since they're pretty cheap skanks. Only the top notch skanks for my Daddy!

    ReplyDelete
  24. BBJune 13, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    I used to make something for my Dad when I was a kid. Something that referenced what he liked. He loved getting things like that. I wish he was still here so I could spoil him.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Pat TillettJune 13, 2011 at 1:47 PM

    I never take a chance. The standing FD gift list from me consists of tools and/or gift certificates. Buy me a tie and I'll hang you with it...

    ReplyDelete
  26. J-TonyJune 13, 2011 at 3:57 PM

    I think I'll purchase the beer and lap dance for myself just in case the DW and Clowns don't come through.

    ReplyDelete
  27. KristenJune 13, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    This holiday is a tough one. My Dad lives far away and has everything he could want and if he doesn't, I can't afford it. I usually send him nuts. The hubby, I will definatley let him have the day off, take him to dinner, make him pay me to give him a lap dance. I'll leave some random cash in his pocket and demand a generous tip. Happy Father's Day to YOU! (Maybe we should all chip in for your lap dance and beer?)

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 4:22 PM

    How do men feel about those super sexy bolo ties? That was what I was thinking of for my Father...thoughts?

    Kidding. My father circles things in his fishing/hunting magazines then leaves them conveniently lying around the house. His stuff has already been ordered! :) Great advice you are giving here though!

    ReplyDelete
  29. MinxyJune 13, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    I love your suggestions! But what are your thoughts on buying Dad a subscription to Internet p*rn?

    ReplyDelete
  30. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    There are a few problems with Father's Day this year. My family are going on a trip and they'll be gone that weekend, and they are leaving me here.

    So what should I do?

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  31. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comJune 13, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    Are you having your kids read this, OT? For your sake, I hope so.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oilfield TrashJune 13, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    @ Copyboy, I am sorry.

    @ Galore, yes only top notch skanks for dads.

    @ Barb, that was sweet of you.

    @ Pat, I agree with you on the hanging bit.

    @ Tony, sounds like a plan.

    @ Kristen, that would be awesome.

    @ Jewels, your dad is smart.

    @ Minxy, thank you. That would work for me. lol

    @ Ditz, Umm have something waiting for him when he gets back.

    @ Robyn, my kids most likely won't be here for fathers day. And since their mother is a broke lady I more than likely won't get shit. Hence why I asked for the strip club gift card.

    ReplyDelete
  33. DuckyJune 13, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    I love the label...Common sense....and the strip club idea? AHH MAZING! I actually LIKE gift buying. What I have trouble with is I always find stuff I REALLY want to buy someone and its totally out of my price range....but...who needs to cable. Its not like theres ever anything good on TV anyway, right?

    ReplyDelete
  34. TIMMYTHEROBOTJune 13, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    I'm getting my dad a bike rack - he should like it

    ReplyDelete
  35. The EmpressJune 13, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    Excellent gift recommendations. I'm still laughing at your reference to tampons, not to mention your gift suggestion for a trip to the local strip club. Good daddy's deserve something they will enjoy in honor of their special day. Now which gifts will you be hoping to recieve?

    The Ranter’s Box

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jo-Anne's RamblingsJune 13, 2011 at 8:50 PM

    Father's Day is not till September here in Aus so not something I have to worry about it for a while yet..........I do think you gave some good gift ideas and did get a chuckle about the tampons.......

    Made me think do you give someone fags because they smoke or toilet paper because they are full of shit.....no you don't you make thing about it but it is not something you do.........

    ReplyDelete
  37. YvonneJune 13, 2011 at 10:10 PM

    Great suggestions OT! I hope you get something super-special on Father's day!

    ReplyDelete
  38. That Janie GirlJune 14, 2011 at 12:33 AM

    You crack me up!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oilfield TrashJune 14, 2011 at 8:25 AM

    @ Daffy, thank you. And yes you are correct there is nothing on tv anyways. I only have cable for the sports.

    @ Timmy, that would be a cool gift.

    @ Empress, thank you. I will more than likely not be getting anything since my kids have no money and my is a broke woman. So yea.

    @ Jo-Anne, well you still have some time. And I agree with you.

    @ Yvonne, I won't be getting anything at all since my kids will be in Georgia with their grand parents.

    @ Janie, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. The Frisky VirginJune 14, 2011 at 2:08 PM

    I am proud to say I have never gotten my dad a tie. This year, I'm getting him The Pacific on DVD. He loves war movies/series--big time historian. So, hopefully he will like that. :) Have you seen it or know anything about it?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oilfield TrashJune 14, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    @ Virgin, you are my hero. And yes he should like it. I have never seen it but I have heard that it was good.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Sara StrandJune 14, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    I'm getting Matt a non-ghetto grill. He has a really piece of shit dinky thing that's embarrassing to carry out of the garage. So he's getting a non ghetto grill. And he can do just as much around the house as I had to do on Mother's Day. Fair's fair. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oilfield TrashJune 14, 2011 at 6:55 PM

    @ Sara, you are a good woman for that.

    ReplyDelete
  44. A Cajun Down UnderJune 14, 2011 at 9:22 PM

    Father's Day is not until September here, but no doubt The Aussie will now be asking for the gift card for a lap dance. :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. RottenMomJune 15, 2011 at 6:14 AM

    Thanks for the gift guide! Without the reminder, I probably would have forgotten that FD was coming up. Just like he forgot MD.

    He's not getting a lap dance. Oh hell no.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oilfield TrashJune 15, 2011 at 8:45 AM

    @ Cajun, you could always give the Aussie the lap dance and a gift card for beer!

    @ Rottenmom, no problem.

    ReplyDelete

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