A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Crazy Texas Laws

So the lovely state where I live has some crazy laws on the books still to this day. I am sure that other states do as well but today I am going to focus on Texas. I had written this post around six months ago and just forgot about it and never got around to posting it. And in that time I have seen others do some similar posts as well and I was reminded of this fact last week. One of the good ones is Powdered Toast Man, and you should go check out his blog.

“No Sodomy” – Really this is a current law in Texas. A gay couple was arrested for this 10 or so years ago when cops responded to a “break in” call from the couple’s neighbors and the cops busted in and found the couple having sex. It went all the way to the Supreme Court and I don’t remember the outcome. But no anal sex, really it is against the law. Which to me explains why there are so many bitches in the State of Texas, because nothing cures a woman who is a bitch like some good ole ramming it in the wrong hole anal sex right?

“Dry Counties” – Yes in 2011 there are counties in the country which are dry and do not allow the sale or consumption of alcohol. I guess alcohol is treated like the modern day plague of the earth. Really it is the religious right which is responsible for this law in mostly rural parts of Texas. But it begs the question, if alcohol is not allowed then how do all of the ugly people have sex on a Friday or Saturday night?

“Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.” – This one is strange. Somehow six dildos is ok but the owning of a seventh one is bad. I guess you can have too many sex toys. I guess it was once again the Baptists who are responsible for this law as one dildo per week is ok as long as you don’t have one on Sunday. I wish they sometimes selectively enforced this law because it would mean my ex would be in prison for life.

“It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.” – I guess I could see the intent from this one as at one point in time it means that people were shooting out of a second floor window. But I wonder if it is legal to shoot a buffalo out of the third floor windows?

“It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.” – This one is just crazy. In Texas everything is bigger, and Houston leads the nation in drunk driving, both in crashes and people arrested for it. So if you can’t have more than three sips of beer at a time, how come the colleges here in Texas still have students?

“It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.” – Now this one is funny. You can have a vibrator that is not realistic and does the same job as a dildo but you can’t have a realistic dildo. Fake unrealistic cock is ok, and fake realistic cock is not ok. I wonder when real realistic cock will be banned.

“It is illegal to sell Limburger Cheese on Sundays” – Actually I think this law is good and should be extended to all days of the week.

“It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.” – This one made me laugh out loud. How many people could you arrest in a bar on any given night because they were feeling someone up? I wonder if they would arrest a hooker for giving a hand job and a john for paying for it under this crazy law.

Well I think that is enough crazy Texas laws for you to read for one day. If you are interested in looking up some of your states crazy laws, here is a great website for doing just that.


  1. “It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.” - I've seen an ad created based upon this law.... great post - thanks for the laugh :)

  2. WTF In west virginia it's illegale to molest a butterfly. Who the hell figured that one out anyway?


  3. Oh, I get the three sips one - they expect you to chug the beer! Screw the sips!

  4. “It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.” Very good but this one needs testing.

  5. Aw...there goes my plan for my Texas vacation; I really wanted to shoot some buffalo from the window of my hotel. Bummer.

  6. You gotta be shittin' me, right?

    You're just making it all up!

  7. What do dildo shops do if they can't promote or possess more than six?

  8. I had a post similar to this but listed laws of several states. My favorite for MS: Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

  9. @ BZ, hmm I have not seen that ad. And you are welcome.

    @ Catie, that cracks me up. You bang your sister in West Virginia but not a butterfly. Interesting.

    @ Laughingmom, that might be true there.

    @ Lurker, something tells me that they have never tested it.

    @ Chio, I am sorry to burst your bubble.

    @ Scots, no I am not shitting you. I forgot to include the link for the website where you can see for yourself. I will go back and add it.

    @ Tony, hmm that is a very good question.

    @ Rosie, I guess I would have gone to jail a few times for that one.

  10. I love lists of weird laws - the best part is thinking about what the hell happened to give them occasion to make those laws in the first place.

  11. this post is fucking hilarious as usual

    but it leads me to yet another round of...our country is so fucked...

    these jizzslurping idiots in charge cannot take these stupid laws off the books? it wouldn't take much, to repeal these...

    worked up now...

    and abs hurt from laughing...

    seriously dry counties?

    we lived in one in KY (btw..doesn't kentucky get that ky is a lubricant? or is it just that they like be assosiated with assfucking?...i guess it wouldn't be DRY assfucking)

    dry counties? still cannot get the concept...it is not like i can't *smuggle* booze in and get ripped...

    ive ranted enough...

    great post bro!

  12. Yeah, texas is crazy i their stupid laws. I actually looked the dildo one up a few months ago and thought it was funny. Side note: the people that do the "sex toy parties" put little smiley faces on the "realistic" ones so that they aren't against the law.

    AmberLaShell Rants
    AmberLaShell's Naughty Nights

  13. WTF? These are crazy/funny in a twisted sor tof way. Texans, sheesh! ;)

  14. Forget them, when I visit Texas I'm shooting all my buffalo from a second story window.

  15. @ Bagel, I have always wanted to know what was behind some of these laws as well.

    @ Bruce, I agree with you. And thank you.

    @ Amber, I did not think about the sex toy parties.

    @ S, yes they are funny. But the crazy laws are not limited to just Texas. All 50 states have some dumb ass laws still on the books.

    @ TS, I think the only place around here that still has buffaloes is the zoo.

  16. Good grief.

    God bless A-frickin-merica.

    ox Kelly

  17. omg seriously these are for real

  18. Like I needed any more reasons to dislike Texas...

  19. @ Joy, I am pretty sure that Canada has some as well.

    @ Becca, yes they are for real.

    @ Heather, well you should at least like it because I am here.

  20. Wow, really?? Those are amazing! And honestly, who was so hell bent on limiting dildos and making sure they weren't realistic? I'm going to have to check out Ohio now.

  21. Wow. No sodomy I knew about...and I knew about the buffalo one-don't ask. The dildo nonsense and the realistic dildo is just way too funny. The 3 sips of beer-absolutely laughable.

    I guess my question would be what are they afraid of by outlawing 7 dildos? People starting armories of sex toys? Preparing for the sexual apocolypse? Are they scared of realistic sex toys being flung from 2nd story hotel rooms instead of bullets at unsuspecting buffalo? I'm stumped!

  22. can i shoot the buffalo from ground level? or maybe through a wee little basement window? i'm going to do that while having backdoor sex with 7 realistic dildos on sunday while selling limburger cheese. who wants to buy some cheese?

  23. This so reminds me of the time I beat a cop in the drinking game asshole. And he said I could get away with three misdemeanors and ... you know...I'm going to save it for a post.

  24. What about gun laws????
    You can't ram your fav girl in the backdoor but I bet you can carry a shiteload of guns

  25. holy shit. what year were those laws made again? i didn't know that dildos have been around for that long.

  26. Our neighboring county is dry. They just drive to our county to buy beer and liquor, and we get the tax revenue. We're not complaining.

    On the three-sip law, I think they are trying to encourage drinking games: Take 3 sips, sit down, turn around, stand up, shake your butt; repeat.

    Also, it's possible that I may be arrested for a certain offense in the future. I'm not gonna tell you which offense it is, but it is either buffalo- or dildo-related. But definitely not both at the same time.

    On the flirtation one, does that mean winking is illegal? If so, there is a crusty dude at my local Dairy Queen that needs to be arrested.

  27. So do the Texas Police have a dildo department?

  28. The worst part is...you know ALL of these had to have happened in some way that went to MULTIPLE courts for these to get on the books.

  29. OMG...I am having such a horrible day and reading this has made me laugh so much...thanks!!!! Even the comments are great!!!! Again thanks for putting a smile on my face!!!

  30. Ugh - my parents moved to a dry county. Luckily they have this nice little house out at "County line" that sells liquor out...maybe a 10 minute drive into the middle of no where country but totally worth it when you are in this town. I don't know how someone survives in dry counties!

  31. @ Cake, that would be the baptists.

    @ Jewels, I have no damn idea.

    @ Sherilin, that is the funniest shit I have read in a while.

    @ Copyboy, sounds like a plan to me.

    @ Sausage, yep that pretty much sums it up.

    @ Kage, I have no clue.

    @ Optomom, how funny is that. My dairy queen has an old winking man as well. hmm.

    @ Tracey, you never heard of the Texas Rangers of Dick Enforcement?

    @ Gamestore, yep you are correct.

    @ Vent, I am glad I could make you smile.

    @ Shelby, that sucks. I couldn't live in a dry county.

  32. That's funny. In California apparently it's illegal to eat an orange in a hotel room.

  33. What I would like to know is how you determine if you're flirting with your eyes? It's amazing how these laws came into existence, then became forgotten, and then technically can still exist. But on my next trip to Texas, I'll be sure not to return flirtatious behavior on a night out.

  34. @ Ditz, that is just crazy.

    @ Mixed, I have no idea. I wondered the same exact thing.

  35. Hey oilfield just checked out your stuff. Nice. Like what I see. As far as laws it's a good thing I don't live in a dry county cuz without beer on a Friday and Saturday night I might still be a virgin. They had to get real drunk to take me home!!!!!!!

  36. @ Bushman, thank you for stopping by. And I agree with you, I also had to get them pretty drunk as well.


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