A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 3

Well I think it is high time for another post from my series “Thoughts of a Jackass” where I post some of my random thoughts and jokes which I often turn into a nice little post on Facebook.

I don’t remember my fortune cookie from dinner last night saying that stepping bare foot in cat shit this morning would be a nice way to start my day.

I think that in college football we should have a South Carolina vs. Oregon game be played. Can you imagine how funny it would be for the announcers saying something about "Cocks vs. Beavers"?

How is it that one damn match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a camp fire?

I am waiting to see what kind of jackass comment Kanye West has to say about the miners from Chile.

People who do not understand the difference between "reply" and "reply to all" need to have their keyboards shoved up their ass.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they sure do have some good ideas.

I wonder if President Obama could dodge a couple of shoes thrown at him like Bush did.

So "they" get rid of light bulbs which are cheap, earth unfriendly and healthy to humans and replace them with bulbs which are expensive, earth friendly, and contain mercury which is harmful to humans. Am I the only one who finds this funny?

People please repeat after me. 50 degrees is NOT cold enough to light a fire in your fire place. If you think that it is cold enough for a fire place outside right now please move to a Caribbean Island. Thanks.

I think days like today would be good if someone would invent the home coffee iv kit.

Now that Ben Roethlisberger has served his 4 game suspensions, can someone let him know that it is the Pittsburgh Steelers (about the steel industry) that he plays for and not the Pittsburgh Stealers (stealing sex from drunken women). Thanks.

I am watching 20/20 on ABC and they are trying to brainwash tell us how peaceful Islam is as a religion. What is next, the Catholic Church trying to tell us that their priests don't touch young boys?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

If abortion is legal is it really that bad to push some people in front of a Metro bus who should have been aborted in the first place?

Who is going to make a good movie first, Tyler Perry or M. Night Shyamalan??

I wonder if all the shit I post here on Facebook will be used against me while I am running for President of my trailer park's Home Owners Association.
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41 comments:

  1. The Angry LurkerMarch 4, 2011 at 5:15 AM

    I am watching 20/20 on ABC and they are trying to brainwash tell us how peaceful Islam is as a religion. What is next, the Catholic Church trying to tell us that their priests don't touch young boys?......brings back memories of my childhood in Ireland but back then they were beating the fuck out of me for running in playtime.

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  2. katsidheMarch 4, 2011 at 5:32 AM

    "George Bush doesn't like Chilean miners."

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  3. laughingmomMarch 4, 2011 at 5:46 AM

    Work station - HA! Same rationale for why they stopped using "service" station for where you buy your gas!

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  4. RebeccaMarch 4, 2011 at 5:51 AM

    yea the voices aren't real but i'm with you they have some great ideas

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  5. SausageMarch 4, 2011 at 5:59 AM

    In the eternal battle of "Cocks v Beavers" the beavers always win. Cocks come out fast and furious but deflate by the time the 4th quarter cums around....

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  6. AnonymousMarch 4, 2011 at 6:27 AM

    If you legalize coffee iv's you totally have my vote for trailer park HOA president!!

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  7. The EmpressMarch 4, 2011 at 6:30 AM

    Thanks for answering the age old question of why there are so many lazy, skiving useless people in the workplace, it's those damn work stations! ...Also, why am I now thinking about cocks and beavers? ; )

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  8. Random GirlMarch 4, 2011 at 6:42 AM

    Finally, someone as random as me! Yay!

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  9. Oilfield TrashMarch 4, 2011 at 6:43 AM

    @ Lurker, ah the good ole beating system.

    @ Katsidhe, that is hilarious.

    @ Laughingmom, yep that is it exactly.

    @ Becca, I agree.

    @ Sausage, ah yes that is very true.

    @ Primed, well there is one vote. Think "Trailer Park Boys".

    @ Empress, you are welcome. And I don't know, but I do have that affect on women.

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  10. Oilfield TrashMarch 4, 2011 at 6:44 AM

    @ Random, no problem. I am very random at times.

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  11. UnknownMarch 4, 2011 at 6:45 AM

    Funny stuff. Although Islam is actually a peaceful religion. Any terrorist is not actually a Muslim. They can say they are, in the same way that I can say I'm a woman, but it doesn't make it so. I supposed it could be said in the same way that a person who touches young boys could say he's a Priest, but he's not really...

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  12. New LifeMarch 4, 2011 at 6:53 AM

    I'm a huge Gamecock fan and don't worry when we play Clemnson there are plenty of cock vs. pussy jokes to go around...

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  13. Overthinking MamaMarch 4, 2011 at 7:09 AM

    the voices in my head aint real... get outta here. yes they are... wait.. maybe thats why i get so many odd stares when I am having a convo with myself... hhhmmm...

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  14. AnonymousMarch 4, 2011 at 7:10 AM

    haha. Love it. Thanks for the laughs...these kids are driving me batty and this sure helped. I think 4 games is adequate time to realize that "stealing" sex from drunk women is wrong...isn't it? That seems totally fair.

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  15. Jon HansonMarch 4, 2011 at 7:14 AM

    Do you think the Beavers tight end could take the Cocks deep?

    SD
    www.TheSimpleDude.com

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  16. Oilfield TrashMarch 4, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    @ Paul, I don't know if I agree. Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists happen to be Muslim and yell "Allah Allah Oxynfree" before they blow themselves up.

    @ Krystle, that is cool.

    @ Mama, don't feel bad I get those same looks from people as well.

    @ Jewels, glad I could make you laugh.

    @ Simpledude, I think the Beavers tight end could take them deep for sure.

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  17. DuckyMarch 4, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    Your reply vs reply all made me think of the teleconference I was on this week for some training. Clearly these people had never been on a phone call with more than one person. Normally you hit mute and listen to the presenter, right?

    Not these people... it was painful. I'm surprised we didn't hear some jackass pissing in the background.

    I had something else to say here too but I'm still chuckling over SimpleDude...he sorta stole the comment show. At least for those of us who take humor to the gutter.

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  18. ErasmusMarch 4, 2011 at 9:21 AM

    As always, pretty amusing post. Definitely laughed at the cocks vs. beavers bit.

    As far as the lightbulbs...it's just something for politicians to jump on. If the bulbs are truly better, the markets will make that choice. I hate laws that try to force things that make zero sense otherwise. (although, I am fond of the new bulbs, as electricity is horribly pricey where I live)

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  19. Tony Van HelsingMarch 4, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    What's a Tyler Perry? Sounds like Steve Tyler and Joe Perry have merged and become an uber-rock monster.

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  20. StephanieCMarch 4, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I was thoroughly amused by all but the sex-stealing and abortion ones.

    Maybe it's PMS.

    Or maybe I am a fucking bridezilla who is emotional.

    No, I checked, it must be pre-PMS.

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

    _

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  21. CkretsGaloreMarch 4, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    President of Trailer Park Home Owners Association? Shoot for the stars man! When you win can I get your autograph?

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  22. UnknownMarch 4, 2011 at 11:44 AM

    They can yell that all day long, it doesn't make them Muslim. And not all terrorists are Muslim. Plenty of Irish Catholics are, along with some Christian Americans...

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  23. Pat TillettMarch 4, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Oh Man! I needed this laugh (that you just caused). I like too many of those to mention just one. Oh hell, the campfire one was hilarious!

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  24. Oilfield TrashMarch 4, 2011 at 12:34 PM

    @ Daffy, that is true Simpledude stole the show.

    @ Erasmus, thank you.

    @ Tony, Tyler Perry is an actor/director of movies.

    @ Stephanie, sorry about the PMS.

    @ Galore, yes I will give you my autograph.

    @ Paul, that is also true.

    @ Pat, I am glad I could help you out with the laughter.

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  25. not displayedMarch 4, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    Can I have a coffee IV please? with an infusion of dark chocolate.

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  26. that guyMarch 4, 2011 at 8:27 PM

    i found this to be tasteless and very immature!

    which BTW are two things i REALLY dig about your posts!

    great post as always, man! fucking funny as hell!

    and SD....

    the tight ends would then be wide recievers!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  27. HannahMarch 4, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    You never fail to make me laugh. You have some great lines there! It's hard to pick my favorite. Reply All? Campfire? Gonna have to go with the 20/20 one! And the lightbulg thing is right on. My husband broke one of those "Earth-friendly" bulbs. We practically had to move out of the house!

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  28. Merrell MichaelMarch 5, 2011 at 7:34 AM

    Hey, at least Tyler Perry has some heart in his crap movies. M. Night Shamalamadingdong jumped the crap shark a long time ago, and now he gobbles up whatever paycheck is teased out in front of him.

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  29. Al PenwasserMarch 5, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    Confucius say, "He who fart in church, sit in own pew."
    Don't remember when or where I heard it, but I still think it's funny.
    Speaking of Cocks and Beavers, true story (really): There's a college near where I live which is called Arcadia College. They recently changed their name from Beaver College.
    I guess some people don't have a sense of humor.

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  30. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comMarch 5, 2011 at 9:22 PM

    OT, your humor is really taking off. This is all great stuff. (I kinda like the abortion one best even though I'm pro-choice).

    PS Thanks for your comments. It's good to be back. Hugs.
    xoRobyn

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  31. Oilfield TrashMarch 5, 2011 at 11:00 PM

    @ Mynx, sure go ahead.

    @ Bruce, glad you liked it.

    @ Hannah, thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Jarhead, yea I will give you that one.

    @ Al, sadly there are a lot of people who lack a sense of humor.

    @ Robyn, thank you. I am glad it is taking off.

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  32. AnonymousMarch 6, 2011 at 3:15 AM

    Ooooo bare foot in cat shit - That'll put me off my lunch! Thanks, I'm on a diet ;)

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  33. Dawn@Lighten Up!March 6, 2011 at 4:05 AM

    Thank you, thank you for starting my day with laughs. Dam you, dam you for making me spit coffee again ;)
    BTW, we both had 50 posts in 2010 - looks like our blogs were started at a similar time. You are smokin' on the followers - good for you!
    And also, it's official. I am putting you on my blogroll. You're too much!

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  34. Dr. CynicismMarch 6, 2011 at 4:56 AM

    "People who do not understand the difference between "reply" and "reply to all" need to have their keyboards shoved up their ass."

    DITTO.

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  35. KristenMarch 6, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    But did you read the chinese translation part of the fortune?
    Obama would probably catch the shoes.
    What's your platform for the trailer part? Say no to redneck jokes?

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  36. roughneckturtle/Jeff C.March 6, 2011 at 1:11 PM

    Nice. The beavers always win, and there's nothing the cocks can do about it.
    When Ben wakes up one morning, he'll probably find something other than what
    he snatched has come home with him. You got my vote for president of the
    Trailerhood. The voices will usually lead to better conversation than the
    ones that come from others. I don't use matches, I just grab the gasoline
    and blow torch, I'm down to three bottles to get the camp fire going. And, I
    don't think you could hit Obama with a shoe, he's gotten pretty good at
    dodging issues. Although I do believe that abortion should be illegal, I
    also believe in mandatory spay and nutering. Some people shouldn't be
    legally allowed to have children.

    Like the randomness, and you got a laugh out of me.

    Weevels.

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  37. Oilfield TrashMarch 6, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    @ Sex, yep that is how I felt.

    @ Dawn, I started blogging in September. And thank you for the blog roll. I am glad I could make you laugh.

    @ Dr, thank you.

    @ Kristen, well I was thinking about no inbreeding to start with.

    @ Jeff, thank you sir.

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  38. UnknownMarch 6, 2011 at 10:24 PM

    I LOVE your honesty! Say it like it is, brother! To answer some of your questions, no, Obama wouldn't be able to dodge the shoe like Bush did. Also, I totally laughed at your thought about the matches. So true!

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  39. BrandiMarch 6, 2011 at 11:22 PM

    "If abortion is legal is it really that bad to push some people in front of a Metro bus who should have been aborted in the first place?"

    Love it!!

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  40. Oilfield TrashMarch 7, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    @ Kelley, thank you. I am glad you like the honesty. The matches one is beyond true.

    @ Brandi, thank you. Yes that one right there stirred a little debate up on my facebook page. But it was funny to say the least.

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  41. ShanLeighMarch 8, 2011 at 1:43 PM

    Classic!

    People who do not understand the difference between "reply" and "reply to all" need to have their keyboards shoved up their ass.

    HAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete

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