A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Houston We Have A Problem, An Ice Problem

Last week here in Houston we had a nice little cold front blow down through here from Canada (thanks all my Canuck readers). We were told on Monday/Tuesday morning that we were going to have snow on Thursday evening and into Friday morning. Upon hearing this great news, I immediately started making plans for the apocalypse. Yes I said apocalypse as this is Houston that I live in and Houston rarely sees ice.

You see snow does not bother me at all. I grew up just outside of Pittsburgh and I have lived all over north western Pennsylvania and northern Ohio over the years, so I know all about the joys of snow. I left the north to get away from the constant monotone depressiveness of snow shoveling, snow chains, slush, and salt on the roads and moved to a place which does not have all the winter time fun stuff.

Wednesday comes around and the “weather people” are calling for the world to end and you should leave work immediately to buy every item in every store for the impending doom. My kid’s school cancelled classes on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday my office was closing at 4, which meant I was leaving work at 2pm since I was not going to be stuck on the road with 5-6 million idiots who can’t drive on snow. Yes I know that the census says only 2.5 million people live in the greater Houston area, but they didn’t count all of the illegal immigrants. My work had also cancelled work on Friday, which left my mouth watering with the fun of a snow day with my kids.

I get home on Thursday from work and the whole house is all warm and toasty from the $300 worth of firewood my brother has bought. You should see him light the fireplace; it reminds me of Tim The Toolman Taylor. The forecast had changed (yet again) and the snow was going to come over night. After hearing that the snow was going to be delayed I went to bed and passed out.

I wake up at 9 am on Friday to find no snow (think 10 percent theory).







I was pissed to the highest order of pissed-off-dom because I had a whole gallon of yellow food coloring to mess with the minds of the neighborhood kids (ok and my kids as well). I went back inside to turn on the local news which is in full blown the-earth-is-fucking-blowing-up panic mode. Apparently some warm air came up from the gulf overnight and caused us to have freezing rain/ice instead of snow. All of the roads in Houston were fucking covered in ICE.

As no stranger to ice, I knew I was not leaving home till the afternoon because of the “asshole” drivers (read southerners) that reside here in Houston. These people are fucking nuts on the roads. Nine months of the year we are blessed with the horribly powerful thunderstorms with greater than 60 mph winds. And these “asshole” drivers will get out on the freeway and do 80 mph in the downpour. So that is why I stayed home on Friday, because ice is nothing to a fucktard who does 80 mph in a downpour.

The news started showing pictures of all the local freeways covered in ice and empty. Normally I would rather have a root canal, a colonoscopy, and open heart surgery done by a Hooters girl while inside a local taco truck than drive with these assholes in rush hour. So it was a mild shock to say the least that the freeways were all empty.

Except for some of the “southerners” I mentioned early.

I guess the person who edits the captions on the local news station got "iced in".

Apparently they decided that their car is the superman car of the car world and immune from ice covered roads. Well they were wrong. I watched wreck after wreck after glorious fucking wreck on tv. LIVE. According to the “traffic” people there were roughly 900-1000 auto accidents between midnight and 11 am when the roads warmed up. Normally there are less than 90 in Houston on a normal day.

Around noon after I had gotten my fill of dumbasses on tv, I ventured out with my kids. Yes I left the house, because well by this time all of the idiots had finally listened to the advice of the news folks and stayed home. I drove my kids to the grocery store for food and it was a ghost town. I went to Home Depot for more firewood and it was empty of people (even the illegals). I then took the kids to Chick-Fila for lunch and you guessed it, it was as dead as the chicken that they were serving.

Now I know all of you “northern” friends of mine are saying that a little bit of ice ain’t shit. And normally I would agree with you. Yes you have a horrible winter time and are “used” to it. These “southerners” are not used to old man “winter”.

Look at it like this, you “northern” folks don’t have 90 plus degree heat 9 months of the year. And for the month or less you do get it, it makes national news because so many of you don’t have air conditioning. Here in Houston it is 90 plus from March until November with 1000% humidity. You “northern” folks also don’t have hurricanes to deal with. So between the heat and hurricanes, these “southerners” are even with you when it comes to winter and summer. Trust me on this. You Yankees would melt in the street here in August. I have seen it happen before; it looked like the bad guy melting in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

So why did I tell you all of this babbling bullshit? Well to spread the word that when all of the media tells you to stay the fuck home, you should listen to them and stay home. Unless you are an experienced “northerner” and leave once the jackasses hunker down and it is safe to do so.


  1. Hah! Growing up in the South has taught me two things: 1) You eat French Toast on snow days (eggs, milk and bread) and 2) You stay home on snow days.

    Last winter I got through an entire 5 seasons of Lost in the multiple snow days we had here in NC. And had lots of french toast.

  2. I hate snow, I hate ice, I hate winter...didn't think that sort of weather happened in TX. learn something new every day

  3. nope don't like snow, ice or the cold no no no

  4. @ Anna, I so agree with that. I love me some french toast.

    @ Birdshit, yes it happens here often. Mostly in Northern Texas but sometimes winter reaches down to Houston.

    @ Becca, same here.

  5. ice is fucked even for a northerner. they play hockey on ice. it is slickery shit.

    i hate icestorms. as i get older, i tend to stay off the roads when the snowshit hits the fan, cuz there are sooomany jackfuckintards that can't drive on clear roads (even here in the north) that snow fucking makes it worse!

    too bad about the yellow food coloring trick. eating that shit in front of kids is something every parent needs to do!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  6. We had the ice storm come through here (Ohio) last week and it was a fucking wreck. I made a huge ass of myself walking on brick into the coffee shop at 6:00am when I got up onto the sidewalk and suddenly was doing a little dance straight onto my back/hip. No one at my job ever dares call off for the weather so I always have to go in even when everyone else is smart and at home.

  7. You're right about how we get in Texas heat. Every time I went to Texas it ended with staying in the air conditioned hotel the whole time b/c I was afraid of bursting into flames. But, if you want snow that badly, I'm willing the share some of the 11 inches worth we got here in Chicago :)

  8. @ Bruce, that is exactly why I stayed home. Fucktards. And yes I am still pissed about the yellow snow tricks I had planned.

    @ Cake, That sucks that you don't get called off from work when the weather is crappy. I think everyone should get some snow/ice days.

    @ Chio, I am glad you got the meaning behind that joke about Texas heat. And I will take about 4 inches of that snow off of your hand. I don't need very much.

  9. My Pop is a "northerner" who has been displaced to the south thanks to the Navy, I get quite amused when I call him and say "Hey Pop, snow is coming, ice is on the way, make sure you hang around the house" and immediately he hops in his 1990 Corvette and takes off for a joy ride.

  10. Great way to put it, I must agree :)I hate winter, and I'm counting down the days to Spring/Summer... :) so, did you get to mess around with the yellow food colouring ;P ??

  11. I miss the snow. Don't miss the ice storms though, hated those. But the snow... And that must have been a really badass Canadian wind to make it all the way to Houston, I bet it was even blowing uphill both ways!

  12. I'm up here in the Midwest and ice is terrifying to me. Last week we had snow dumped on us with 50 mph winds that made drifts as tall as houses. (And it's snowing right now.) This weekend we're supposed to get above freezing and maybe even hit 40 early next week. So all this shit is going to melt and make a freaking mess. But wait! Then it's going to refreeze at night when it gets cold again. It's going to be an ice rink. I wish I could just hibernate until April.

  13. @ Miss Rosie, that is hilarious. I love old people.

    @ Bz, thank you. No I have not gotten to use the food coloring. Yet.

    @ Nikki, I miss it sometimes as well. And the wind was blowing both ways uphill.

    @ Hannah, you see that is why I live in the south. I can't stand winter time anymore.

  14. Hahaha... Southern asshole drivers; brings back fond memories. No matter how hard you try to tell rednecks that their gigantic, raised, gunrack-weilding pickups won't help them on sheer ice, they don't listen. I blame grits.

  15. We live in Igloos and wear Mukluks up here in Canada - so my friends down south tell me!

    But, truth be told up here, just above Seattle, we West Coast Canucks have it quite good.

    Our weather "forecasters" never get our weather right though because our mountains and the ocean are so close to each other.

    Your post made me laugh and I like to laugh – so thanks.
    (How’s your flu by the way? – caught it from the kids, I suspect. I read about it as I was blog-hopping)

  16. @ Dr, grits could be the very reason for southern asshole drivers.

    @ Pearson, that is funny. Yes on the west coast, you do have much better weather than the interior portions of our countries. And glad I made you laugh. The flu is still killing me. I am going to the doctor today. Hopefully he will give me some good drugs for it.

  17. I was missing Houston a day or so ago...now not so much. I can't even imagine the Loop or the Beltway as a skating rink...it's dangerous enough on normal days.

    It's nice here in Alberta right now...actually staying above 0 in the daytime for the rest of the weekend...maybe you should come for a visit.

  18. Man, I'm glad I live in Seattle. Although, a few months ago when we got 2 inches of snow (it was so cute) it shut the city the fuck down. I'm from Colorado originally, so it made me chuckle.

  19. This transplanted Southern girl is really.. really beginning to hate snow/ice. Scratch that.. Im not beginning to .... I DO. I DO hate it. Its been snowing and icing here for so long Im start to get weird ideas like sharpening the axe and chasing people around the neighborhood.
    Dear Spring.. come soon.

  20. @ Primed, the loop was a nightmare. And they closed the beltway down completely to all traffic as it was an ice rink. Actually I noticed that it was warmer in Calgary than it was in Houston the day we got ice. Not fair I tell you.

    @ Heather, that is also a reason why I laughed about this whole situation.

    @ Holly, I hope for your neighbors sake that spring comes soon. I would not want to see you on CNN running down the road chasing people with an axe.

  21. All I could do was laugh as I read this. You gave me such a great visual...HA!

  22. I hate getting all jacked up for snow only to get ice. That is usually our plight here.


  23. I watched them playing bumper cars on the freeway for little while...then curled up with my blanket and a book.

  24. Got a chuckle out of this. Thanks for sharing.

    My aunt/uncle live in San Antonio, and I remember their reports of area-wide shut down due to a couple of inches of snow and/or ice. Being near Chicago, we thought it was silly. But we constantly had to remind ourselves that our beloved neighbors to the south don't see that kind of weather enough to really know what to do when it comes. Good for you for taking the smarter approach... staying off the roads until the crazies were gone.

    I don't do hot weather, so this is one gal that you'll never see in the deep south in the summer. I've been dumb enough to do it twice. Phoenix in August (dry heat, my ass...), and Moab, UT in July (can we say daytime low of 113?). Oy!

    Be safe!

  25. @ Cinderita, thank you.

    @ Krissy, that is exactly what I am talking about.

    @ Jen, sounds like you had a nice warm there.

    @ Yellocoyote, I am glad you see the humor in my post from a northen perspective.

  26. Snow is one thing...ice is a totally different beat. If a northerner tells you ice isn't any big deal they are a fucking moron.

  27. We had a lovely mixture of snow, followed by an inch of ice, followed by another foot of snow all on the same day about two weeks ago. It was ridiculous!

    I am very ready for Spring.

  28. I am laughing my ass off. This was so funny that I read it to The Aussie while he made breakfast, and he was cracking up too. I dare say "fucktards" will feature heavily in his roadrage vocabulary now.

  29. Great post. Are you as crazy and twisted as you seem in your posts? We got hammered up here in Pa. with ice, but most people were smart enough to park there cars and sit in front of the fire place. Thanks for making me laugh.

  30. @ Daffy, I haven't had a northern tell me that yet. Key word is yet.

    @ Katsidhe, that sucks. I can imagine you are ready for spring.

    @ Cajun, I am glad I made your and the Aussies day with that good laugh. Also glad he picked up a new word.

    @ Bothered, thank you. Yes I am just as crazy/funny in person as I am on here.

  31. Don't hate on us for living in a state with no natural disasters. No tornado alley, hurricaines, earth quakes, tsunamis, or any of that bullshit here in PA. Sure I'm sick of winter...and yeah last summer was hot as nuts...but I'll take it over some hell hole that's hot most of the time or where a tube of wind is gonna suck my dog, toothless lover, mobile home, and pickup into the sky!

    I hear you on the dumbass drivers...even here people were out on the ice and they know freaking better. It's just stupid. If you don't have to go out stay the hell home.

  32. Um, I don't understand. I'm a Californian. What's this snow thing? And ice? Sorry, Mr. O. (I'm still get back at you for the pasty comment.)
    I'm glad you have tons of firewood, though, and I hope you feel better soon.

  33. So... that means I'm extra special. Not only because I live up North and can deal with black ice and will drive to Minneapolis (what is normally a 2 1/2 hour drive, freeway) in one of the worst ice/snowstorms ever. SURE, it took longer but whatevs. I don't mind doing 25mph when I should be doing 70 legally (or more like 85 in Sara's world). No big. AND I'm from the South baby! I love long walks on the beach, ass melting heat, and hurricanes! My fav memories as a kid is watching hurricanes out of our HUD apartment window. See? My awesomeness still knows no bounds.

  34. We call them..."iceholes."
    You're right, though, as much as we loathe the cold, snow, and ice here in SE Pennsylvania, it doesn't hold a candle (which would melt) to the summer in Texas from March to November. To borrow a phrase to describe summer in Miami (which I shamelessly stole from a radio show), it equally applies to Texas in the heat-it's like living inside a bundt cake. I'll take the cold.
    Texas is nice, full of great people and even though I spent a month in Corpus Christi one week, I like to visit.
    But, only when the bundt cake isn't in the oven.

  35. Just started reading the occasional post on here, and you're pretty fuckin' funny. Just wanted to say that many of my professors had class throughout the ice-covered roads when my city was covered. I live farther north in your state. Anyway, one professor, who has lived up north for almost his whole life, emailed us to say "Fuck this. I'm staying home." Why? Because in the north, they don't get sheet ice on the roads like we got. He said he had never seen roads iced over so badly before and he was staying home. We missed 4 consecutive days of class, and I stayed home from work the following two days. When a professor from the north says the weather's bad, you'd think the others would listen...alas, they were idiots and drove to school anyway. Most had empty classrooms.

    Sorry for the long comment. I'll pop in now and again because you're entertaining.


  36. i grew up in ny & then moved to tn as an adult, so i've lived in both extremes. i used to mock the southerners for how they freaked about snow on the roads, but then i realized, there aren't snowplows or salt trucks here like there are in the north. and no one knows how to drive in the mess, so now i'm the first one to bundle up and stay home so i'm not the one needing to be towed out of a ditch after i fell off the road.

  37. @ Jewels, I am not hating the north. You forget that I am from the north. I just hate northern weather. And dumbass drivers.

    @ Robyn, I keep forgetting that you live on the coast.

    @ Sara, yes you are awesome.

    @ Al, that is a great way to put it.

    @ Fuck, that is very true. Thanks for stopping by.

    @ Sherilin, that is true the south is not prepared for bad cold weather.

  38. "Unless you are an experienced “northerner” and leave once the jackasses hunker down and it is safe to do so." - Right on the money with this one! Great post!

  39. We're not quite 'southern' here, but everything shuts down when it snows. And if you're trying to buy bread or toilet paper during a snow storm, you're just shit out of luck.

  40. I hate ice and snow, but I like living somewhere prepared for it.

  41. @ Manager, thank you. I knew someone would find it amusing.

    @ Mrs Hyde, that is so true.

    @ Chris, living some where that they are prepared for it is a lot nicer than some where that they are not prepared for it.

  42. Fucking ice.

    I'm Northern, but I hate it, too. I am not "used to it" and never will be. And we all drive like assholes, here, too. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

    Today everything warmed up, yet I heard sirens all afternoon because there was wet/melty slush over the deeper frozen ice. Bad driving combo.

    I say enough with winter altogether.

  43. @ Stephanie, I agree with you. Enough with the weather.

  44. I guess Southern Californians are the pansies of the country because where I am at hot is 78, barely any rain, no snow, the worst for us is a little bit of wind that's dry so it makes you really thirsty.

    I hope I don't have to deal with ice and driving at the same time.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

  45. @ Ditz, be very glad you have nice weather year round and don't have to deal with the ice and snow.

  46. Ha! I am from halfway between Cleveland and Pittsburgh myself, and still stuck in Ohio, outside of Columbus. These "southerners" in Franklin/Licking County Ohio can't drive for shit in snow, either. I'm a bad mofo at driving in the snow...because I'm from northeast Ohio, bitches!

  47. @ Dawn, I know that area well. I used to live in Akron and also in Youngstown. And tell me about it, they can't drive for shit in the snow.

  48. OMG! Ice is the worst. You can't do anything with it. That electronic road sign is hella funny!! Is that real (not doctored), and/or in Houston? That cracked me up. As did the caption graphics! AHAAA!

  49. @ Kernut, yes ice is the worst. I was told it was a real sign up near Austin. I may be made up, I have no idea. But the caption from the tv was real.

  50. OMG this is the funniest blog post I have ever read!

  51. @ Jenn, if you think that this one was funny, than you need to go back and read all of my other posts. I have some which are way more funnier than this one.

    But thank you for the compliment.


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