You see snow does not bother me at all. I grew up just outside of Pittsburgh and I have lived all over north western Pennsylvania and northern Ohio over the years, so I know all about the joys of snow. I left the north to get away from the constant monotone depressiveness of snow shoveling, snow chains, slush, and salt on the roads and moved to a place which does not have all the winter time fun stuff.
Wednesday comes around and the “weather people” are calling for the world to end and you should leave work immediately to buy every item in every store for the impending doom. My kid’s school cancelled classes on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday my office was closing at 4, which meant I was leaving work at 2pm since I was not going to be stuck on the road with 5-6 million idiots who can’t drive on snow. Yes I know that the census says only 2.5 million people live in the greater Houston area, but they didn’t count all of the illegal immigrants. My work had also cancelled work on Friday, which left my mouth watering with the fun of a snow day with my kids.
I get home on Thursday from work and the whole house is all warm and toasty from the $300 worth of firewood my brother has bought. You should see him light the fireplace; it reminds me of Tim The Toolman Taylor. The forecast had changed (yet again) and the snow was going to come over night. After hearing that the snow was going to be delayed I went to bed and passed out.
I wake up at 9 am on Friday to find no snow (think 10 percent theory).
I was pissed to the highest order of pissed-off-dom because I had a whole gallon of yellow food coloring to mess with the minds of the neighborhood kids (ok and my kids as well). I went back inside to turn on the local news which is in full blown the-earth-is-fucking-blowing-up panic mode. Apparently some warm air came up from the gulf overnight and caused us to have freezing rain/ice instead of snow. All of the roads in Houston were fucking covered in ICE.
As no stranger to ice, I knew I was not leaving home till the afternoon because of the “asshole” drivers (read southerners) that reside here in Houston. These people are fucking nuts on the roads. Nine months of the year we are blessed with the horribly powerful thunderstorms with greater than 60 mph winds. And these “asshole” drivers will get out on the freeway and do 80 mph in the downpour. So that is why I stayed home on Friday, because ice is nothing to a fucktard who does 80 mph in a downpour.
The news started showing pictures of all the local freeways covered in ice and empty. Normally I would rather have a root canal, a colonoscopy, and open heart surgery done by a Hooters girl while inside a local taco truck than drive with these assholes in rush hour. So it was a mild shock to say the least that the freeways were all empty.
Except for some of the “southerners” I mentioned early.
I guess the person who edits the captions on the local news station got "iced in".
Apparently they decided that their car is the superman car of the car world and immune from ice covered roads. Well they were wrong. I watched wreck after wreck after glorious fucking wreck on tv. LIVE. According to the “traffic” people there were roughly 900-1000 auto accidents between midnight and 11 am when the roads warmed up. Normally there are less than 90 in Houston on a normal day.
Around noon after I had gotten my fill of dumbasses on tv, I ventured out with my kids. Yes I left the house, because well by this time all of the idiots had finally listened to the advice of the news folks and stayed home. I drove my kids to the grocery store for food and it was a ghost town. I went to Home Depot for more firewood and it was empty of people (even the illegals). I then took the kids to Chick-Fila for lunch and you guessed it, it was as dead as the chicken that they were serving.
Now I know all of you “northern” friends of mine are saying that a little bit of ice ain’t shit. And normally I would agree with you. Yes you have a horrible winter time and are “used” to it. These “southerners” are not used to old man “winter”.
Look at it like this, you “northern” folks don’t have 90 plus degree heat 9 months of the year. And for the month or less you do get it, it makes national news because so many of you don’t have air conditioning. Here in Houston it is 90 plus from March until November with 1000% humidity. You “northern” folks also don’t have hurricanes to deal with. So between the heat and hurricanes, these “southerners” are even with you when it comes to winter and summer. Trust me on this. You Yankees would melt in the street here in August. I have seen it happen before; it looked like the bad guy melting in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”
So why did I tell you all of this babbling bullshit? Well to spread the word that when all of the media tells you to stay the fuck home, you should listen to them and stay home. Unless you are an experienced “northerner” and leave once the jackasses hunker down and it is safe to do so.