In the process of “answering” and participating in her post, she had to “tag” five people whose blogs amuse her to get them to answer the question as well.
So here you go now in no particular order are my five things I never leave home without.
1. I never leave home without my wallet. Now I know this is cliché, but seriously my wallet contains an American Express card so I can’t ever leave home without it. No that is not the real reason; the real reason I always keep it with me is that if I ever come down with Alzheimer’s disease I would like the proper authorities to get me back to the right house and family. Well if I did come down with it maybe they should take me to a rich families home, it is not like I would remember anyways right?
2. My car is also something I never leave home without. Another cliché one I know, but my trusty green Pontiac is a 2003 which I bought brand new and currently has 230,000 miles on her. Yes her paint is fading, but she has been getting me all over the country and back safely and smoothly for 8 years now.
3. My bat is something that is always in the trunk of my car. My Louisville Slugger is a long time friend of mine and you just never know when it may come in handy. What can I say; you always have to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse right? And what better a way to defend yourself with than a nice Louisville Slugger. Did I mention that I was a pretty good hitter back in college in softball intramurals?
4. I also never leave home without my wit. Seriously it is the most lethal weapon on the planet and yet at the very same time it can heal any wound or make someone smile. One time (back when I was married) my ex sent me to Walgreens for “feminine pads” and since I had my wit with me, I made the most of the situation. I not only got “feminine pads” but I also strolled to the checkout counter with a box of condoms, a bag of chocolate, and a bottle of KY lube. The old lady looked at me (scowling) with my odd combination of items. I looked back at her and spouted off with, “Hey it is her night for anal.” The old woman laughed and turned red as a tomato. I probably made her day in more ways than one.
5. I never leave home without my balls. Although when I was married they were theoretically in my ex’s purse sometimes, so I did leave home without them but that is besides the point here. They are attached to me and I am attached to them. And after what they have been through, I don’t leave home without them. Sorry ladies I will not be posting a picture of their smooth likeness.
So there you have the five things I never leave home without.
Now on to you ladies out there who have been waiting patiently for this post to be posted. If you have been following me for a while, you are aware that I said for every 50 followers I get, I will post a picture of myself. Last time when I got to 100 followers, I posted a picture of myself back from my days as a stripper. And at that time I promised you that if I got to 150 followers, I would post a picture from my days as an internet model sensation. I am sorry this is delayed, but I actually hit 150 followers during my Superbowl week postings and I did not want to delay them as they were timely. So here you go ladies, drool away.
Here is the picture of me back when I was an internet model. You can see all the pussy was lined up to view me back then.
I do want to take this time while you are all puking your breakfast up (after seeing that picture again I might join you) to thank you for your support. Thank you for reading my blog, and thank you commenting on my blog. I try to read as much as I can of all of your blogs, but with being so busy all the time, sometimes it is hard to get to. But I thank you for your support. When I get to 200 followers I will share another picture of myself with you. Maybe it will be from my acting days just after college.
Isn't great that every man calls their beloved posessions HER/SHE - yep, we are pretty darn great, us women! I think one day you should try leaving the house without your balls and blog about it! :) Good Post!
ReplyDeletePuking? Not even a little bit.
ReplyDeleteAnd I nearly spit coffee on my computer screen when you said you started talking about your balls.
The 1 on the right seem kinda young!!!
ReplyDeletenaughty boy
Haha.. it's been awhile since the pussy has lined up to check me out like that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the things you take with you when leaving the house. I ALSO have a trusted Louisville Slugger in the trunk - actually one in both my vehicles. You never know when someone you come across is going to deserve a beatin'...
SD
TheSimpleDude.com
I'm sitting here laughing at #4...classic.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about anyone not liking your picture considering that the only picture in my head right now is the 'smooth likeness' of your balls.
Awkward you say? How do you think I feel?!
lol..love the picture and great getting to know you better love your sense of humor
ReplyDeleteHeeeeyyyy... didn't I make that picture for you?
ReplyDeleteI would ordinarily be a little on edge about the fact that I just had coffee drip out my nose and that it really burned. However it helped clear my sinuses this mornign and the pressure in my face has lessened so theres two points for you AND 'its her night for anal' is just so original and classic and legendary and hysterical that I coudln't possibly be irritated with you for the coffee thing. I'll be chuckling about that all day.
ReplyDelete@ Kristen, yes it is cool how we humans do that when talking about our stuff.
ReplyDelete@ Mash, ah thank you. And yes if you read my "warning" page I am not responsible for your keyboard or monitor.
@ Sausage, he was 33 or 34 when that picture was taken. So I am not so sure about "young".
@ Simpledude, same here. And yes you always need to have your bat with you at all times. Never know when it might be needed.
@ Primed, #4 is my favorite as well. And glad to know you are thinking about my "Smooth" balls. lol
@ Becca, thank you very much.
@ Miley, I am not sure. I think I did it but then again it was 3 or 4 years ago.
@ Daffy, I seem to have that effect on women making them spit up stuff through their noses. Hmmm.....
ReplyDeleteI am glad you liked the comment about her night for anal. It is a true story.
There is nothing worse than leaving without your wit, and then someone serves up a nice melon and you completely watch it go by.
ReplyDeleteThen you get home, grab your wit and think:
"FUCK! That's what I should have said!".
ha, ha - funny comment to the old lads in the shop.
ReplyDeleteha, ha funny comment to the old lady in the shop.
ReplyDeletehaha, love the picture.
ReplyDelete@ Kev, exactly. Sometimes when I am sick, I leave it at home. It sucks when it happens.
ReplyDelete@ David, exactly. Thank you.
@ TS, glad you liked it.
I've always wondered why men were stressed out about buying "feminine products". And to that I wonder what could be considered a "male product" that could make me squirm as much.
ReplyDelete...
The only thing that comes to mind is when I order a Subway sandwich for my dude. I want to turn around and yell to everybody that THAT is not for me! And then I begin to understand. In a way.
ツ my cyber house rules
The feminine products story was brilliant, OT.~
ReplyDeleteAs is you comment Nikki!~<3
@ Nikki, I have never been bothered by it at all. I just like to have fun in life, and that was a prime opportunity for some fun.
ReplyDelete@ Katsidhe, thank you.
Too funny! Love the photo!
ReplyDeleteI traded in my Louisville Slugger in the trunk for a smaller Little League aluminum bat that fits nicely under my seat. Much easier to get to when some traffic control is needed or I have to deal with the road rage of another.
I wouldn't last five minutes out in the world without my wallet, wit, or ballsack. Great list, man.
ReplyDelete@ Pat, you are smart for getting a smaller one. Maybe I should do the same.
ReplyDelete@ Beer, I agree. Thank you.
Boys and their toys. I mean.. A bat, balls, a car, and pussy all in one post. The only thing missing was food, and your life would have been summed up with one post.
ReplyDeletetalkativetaurus.com
wow, her night for anal. did she know that was coming? your wife, i mean. cuz if my honey told me it was anal night, i might get a mysteriously sudden butt flu with loads of diarrhea preventing such shenanigans.
ReplyDeleteGreat picture, OT, of you and the pussies in waiting.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
You have remarkable wit. Glad you always have it and that baseball bat.
ReplyDelete@ Krissy, thank you for pointing out what I obviously did not think about.
ReplyDelete@ Sherilin, no she did not get anal that night. But she did think what I said in the store was funny.
@ Robyn, thank you.
@ Cheeseboy, thank you sir.
I got the same tag. I didn't think of including my balls, though. I've been married for 25 years, so it's been a long time since I've seen them.
ReplyDeleteGood for you!
nice post! and that was some nice pussy in that pic!
ReplyDelete@ Al, yea I feel for you. You live the Al Bundy life. But at least you get some regularly.
ReplyDelete@ Bruce, thanks man. I do like a nice purring pussy.
Well, this made my day! I'm in tears with laughter. #4 is classic. Seriously--THAT should be a dang Vomit Day ad.
ReplyDeleteAnd, um puking? Hardly.
Love the cats!
Oh, and I tagged you, too--it's a different tag theme, if you want to check it out. :)
Well I'm glad to be a reader. Bats? Balls? Good to know if I ever run into you and you look kinda miffed.
ReplyDeleteNo puking just a lot of laughing. hahaha. The pussy lined up...the "its her night for anal"...I'm still giggling. As always you rock my world.
ReplyDelete@ Frisky, if only the tv people knew of my good sense of humor. And thanks for the non puking comment about my picture. You would puke if you saw the rest of me. And I saw the tag, thanks I will write that one up soon.
ReplyDelete@ Jcohen, thank you. Yes that is true, except I am more of a big teddy bear. Besides I am not a fighter, I am a lover.
@ Jews, thanks, glad I made you laugh.
Opps I meant "Jewels" and not "Jews".
ReplyDeleteMy grammar sucks when I try to type to fast.
You are too freakin' funny!
ReplyDeleteHaha oh gosh if my future husband has to do that run and does something like that I really hope that he makes sure that I'm not with him the next time he goes to that store so whoever checked him out won't look at us funny. And by us I mean me.
ReplyDeleteThe Adorkable Ditz' Missteps
You are a terrific blogger, and so much fun to read...and sometimes your posts are too smart for me, so I smile and nod, and let you know I've been by. But seriously, it's great getting to know you.
ReplyDeleteLove the pic of you and your possy of pussy!
Damn good list, for a guy! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI keep a bat too - but I don’t make it live in the trunk! It gets to sit up front wedged between my seat and my door!
I need to keep the space in my trunk free for the body that my club might encounter!
See how nice your ex was – she left you the family jewels. (okay you came into the deal with the jewels, but they become communal property and most times they are lost in the custody battle, along with kids, dogs, cars, furniture, houses, pensions…)
As to #4 - HEROIC!
Fun post – I really enjoyed it.
Jenny
Hopefully the pussy didn't have tuna breath!! You're a crazy nut........ and I wouldn't have it any other way !!
ReplyDeleteHello, no one can fight the Zombie Apocalypse without a Mossberg pump-action, pistol grip short-barreled shot gun. I would suggest an upgrade. (:
ReplyDelete@ Janie, thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Ditz, it was a fun moment.
@ Sandra, thank you very much. Glad you liked my possee of pussy.
@ Pearson, thank you. Glad you liked it.
@ Holly, yep crazy nut is what I am.
@ Anna, I will get that upgrade when I get my kids out of the house. Or at least a little older.
Congratulations on your now 162 followers. Great photo of you and your kitty posse'. You are quite the puss magnet! Here is to you continuing to rock the blogging world.
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com/
Rofl at that checkout story
ReplyDeletepuking? not a chance. I only wish I could climb up on your kitchen counter and stare at you like that.
ReplyDeleteThe one on the right does look like jailbait to me.
ReplyDeleteWay too funny, Oil. I think I need to go buy a bat now.
ReplyDelete@ Empress, thank you very much.
ReplyDelete@ Kitari, thank you. It is a classic.
@ Cinderita, ah thank you.
@ Jen, I hope that was a compliment since I was about 32 or 33 at the time.
@ Lonely, you should. I recommend that every one has one.
You never fail to make me laugh
ReplyDelete@ Cajun, thank you. Glad I could make you laugh.
ReplyDelete