I am sure many women have had their plastic vibrating “massager” end up being found by their kids. I know for a fact quite a few stoners (friends of mine) have had their bongs stumbled upon by their kids.
Do you see where I am going with this?
The other night my son and I were in my room watching the movie “2012” before going to bed. I was lying on my bed and my son was sitting at my desk. Out of now where my son started going through the drawers of my desk. A few minutes later he pulls out a jar of this and asks me what it is.
If you do not know what that bottle is, it is a bottle of “lube”.
Thank god I have quick wits and I was able to quickly answer him within milliseconds.
“That is a special lotion that you rub on sore muscles”.
My son responds back, “Ah ok. Is this what you bought when you pulled your back muscles a couple of months ago?”
I responded back with, “Yes sir, now it is time for bed so off you go.”
I really need to find a better hiding spot for that little bottle. And I also need to put a better lock on my bedroom door so there is a ZERO PERCENT chance he could ever walk in on me. I would really hate to hear my son ask me if I pulled a muscle in my “bendy hose”.
That's funny and yes.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Note to self: Hide "sore muscle massagers" in better spot. Such as Canada.
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious!! I have found the best hiding place for some less offensive things is out in the open, if I try to hide something, my princess is sure to find it. Nice cover on the son's questioning though,,, quick thinking!
ReplyDeleteYou were pretty safe considering you even had to explain to us what it was.
ReplyDeleteOMG! That is too funny! I did that to my parents!! Then my ex-step daughter did to me and her dad. Payback sucks!
ReplyDeletelol! i've got a little "toy box" with such items that haven't been unearthed yet, thankfully, but my daughter did find a product very similar to the one your kid found & i said it was a massage oil. but that i don't like to use it because it's so messy & i should really remember to throw it away one of these days. good times in parenting!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was moving to our new apartment, I decided to just tape my dressers shut instead of emptying them out. Of course, while unloading the truck, the tape FAILS ME and the top drawer opens. I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law saw the wonderful device that is the "Rabbit". Thankfully, he didn't mention it, and I learned to pack shit in boxes. Tightly sealed ones.
ReplyDeleteBest hope that he doesn't hurt himself and ask for some of your special lotion!
ReplyDelete@ Lurker, yep.
ReplyDelete@ Dawn, no toys here just lube.
@ Random, you might be onto something there.
@ Drake, I am lucky I am a quick thinker.
@ Laynee, I am glad I am not alone in this then.
@ Sherilin, good times in parenting is right.
@ Chio, oh my. Yes tightly sealed boxes are the way to go.
@ Laughingmom, oh I never thought about that.
BWHAHAHAHA!!!!! You rub it on your "sore muscle" HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour in trouble if your son sprains his back and wants to use your sore-muscle rub!
ReplyDelete'Bendy Hose' ~ hysterical... needed a good laugh this morning and you have succeeded.
ReplyDeletesaved by the bell :) and kids always want to know everyhing ^^
ReplyDelete@ Rosie, exactly.
ReplyDelete@ Greg, that ain't no lie.
@ Nubian, "Bendy Hose" is what my son used to call his penis when he was younger. That phrase is still used today by him.
@ Dejch, yes they always want to know everything.
Hahaha, too funny! Good thinking on your feet, Dad. I bet you have 'sore muscles' all the time! lol
ReplyDeleteAll that witty blog commenting has paid off. Nice quick comment to your son.
ReplyDeleteNever stash porn in different areas of the house, you'll lose track of it. I'm just saying.
ReplyDeleteha ha, that's funny. Nice save.
ReplyDelete@ Texa, thank you.
ReplyDelete@ COpyboy, yes that is true. But I have always been witty and quick.
@ Tony, I don't stash any porn around the house. I just stash my laptop.
@ Sally, thanks.
XD LOL that is funny. Once when my parents had come back early from a weekend alone because my mother fell ill with pneumonia or something of that nature, I wanted to help unpack and boy was that a mistake. I found the his and her lubricants and I was able to put it back in the suitcase without dad seeing.
ReplyDeleteWow. Awesome thinking :) Gosh parents have to be creative on the ideas they use when their kid finds their 'private' items.
ReplyDeleteI know I ran across one of my parents books on "Keeping the romance alive"(not romantic dates and things, the more "intimate" details of the relationship) My mom came up with the story of it being a gift for one of her friends, I'm not dumb lol.
Like another poster said "payback sucks". Oh boy I can just imagine when I end up having kids lol.
"It's a special potion that NASA gave me. It's very dangerous and you should never talk about it. Now, son, let me explain to you what to do if you see a sock on Daddy's door..."
ReplyDeleteNice recovery from what could have ended up in a much longer and uncomfortable discussion. ...Still laughing at your phrase "Bendy Hose". We need to add this to the list of names for naughty bits!
ReplyDeleteI leave all my stuff out in plain view and just tell Lil Duck its the dogs toys.
ReplyDelete@ Ditz, that is funny as well.
ReplyDelete@ Katie, I am glad I am not alone in this.
@ Kev, that is some great advice.
@ Empress, thank you. And Bendy Hose is what he called it one day when he was younger.
@ Daffy, hmm maybe I should try that. Wait no my kids are older and also I don't have a dog.
My sister and her kids came for a visit once. Then one night I found her youngest prancing around in front of MY DAD, cradling my ...toy...like a baby in her arms. yeah...
ReplyDeletehaha this is too funny! Poor you. On a different note can we talk about that picture? I wasn't aware that there were photoshoots for bottles of astroglide.
ReplyDeleteHahahahah!!!
ReplyDeleteYou've asked how I get through my crappy schedule before and let me just say tonight, your blog will do it!
*Returns to laughter
Let's hope he doesn't recommend it to a friend for sore muscles. Awkward.
ReplyDeleteDUDE! Your kids are old enough that you should KNOW to hide your shit really good! My kid is one of the nosiest little hooligans out there and I'll be DAMNED if EVER he finds MY secret stash. OFT...I am disappointed. You're a smart guy - now FIND A BETTER HIDING SPOT!!!
ReplyDeleteI once hid a half ounce of good pot in our apartment. For some reason or another, we still had some in the "box" we used to clean seeds and stems out. When it was time to get this bag that I hid, I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere. My husband looked everywhere. We couldn't find it. When we moved it never showed up so I know my son got a hold of it. Goes to show you how you think you can get one over on your kids!! haha. Not mine.
ReplyDelete@ Brandy, oh that is way worse than what I went through.
ReplyDelete@ Anna, thank you. I guess there is a picture because that item can be sold online?
@ D'Artagan, well I am glad my blog is useful then.
@ Antares, oh that would be bad.
@ Reck, in my defense the bottle was hidden behind a shit ton of stuff in a drawer. He went DIGGING for gold and found clear liquid.
@ Barb, I was the same way when I Was a kid but with alcohol.
And that is why I don't have kids... I mean the worst thing that could happen is that my dog will find something embarrassing and drag it out and show my company... oh wait, that did happen!
ReplyDeleteYou coulda said that's what you rub on your model rockets to make them go up (a double entendre that may zip right by him. You hope.)
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Thanks for that OT. I was feeling the urge to murder some of co-workers and this post made me laugh and forget about stabbing them. You may have saved lives with this one.
ReplyDelete"bendy hose" oh sweet mother that is a first. I've never heard it called that before and think it's a new favorite. Yeah...kids really need to just understand that it is better to not poke around...they really don't want to know what adults keep in those drawers.
ReplyDelete*shivers as she remembers her mother's drawer*
@ Tracy, but dogs are a lot like kids.
ReplyDelete@ Al, my mind does not work that quick. But I wish I would have said that.
@ Heather, thanks. I am glad I saved your co-workers lives.
@ Jewels, yep it is a classic for sure.
Wow, OT, don't you have a box to lock that stuff in? Or a hot pink satin drawstring bag? Um...forget I said that.
ReplyDeleteAs usually funny as hell. I avoid all those akward moments by banning my children from my room in general, bedroom, bathroom, and ajoined office. And, secondly just by telling them about the crap before it comes up by acciedent. I wasn't taught shit as a child about sex or intamacy, so I had to learn the hard way. It wasn't pretty. I don't want my kids learning like that, so I teach them what I can.
ReplyDeleteYeah, what I really love is when your mother in law comes over and you and your wife forgot to put the KY back in your nightstand. Whoops. Sorry about that mom, I guess you know how we made the baby now huh?
ReplyDeleteThat's funny, OT. Good thing lube reminded you to say "It's time for bed." ;-)
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
PS Thanks for your comment. I hated not being able to blog for a few days.
@ Mrs Hyde, no I don't have a lock box. But I might have to get one now.
ReplyDelete@ Jeff, thank you sir.
@ Paul, ouch I thought I had it bad.
@ Robyn, thank you. And you are welcome.
For the love of me I do not understand adults not having a lock on their bedroom door I think it is a must have. Also you should tell your kids do not snoop you may not like what you find.
ReplyDeletehaha you better be careful of that next time! kids are scary and they always find things....it's amazing what they can do with lots of time on their hands
ReplyDeleteI have followed your blog..Could you follow mine too please? Also check out my guest blogging contest to see if you are interested!
Sky Stock Analysis
Again - HAHAHAHAHA. Oh jesus. I would have been mortified. I've definitely had a few 'things' discovered before. When we rented the house we're in now I dropped something behind the stove and when I crawled back there to retrieve it I found a handful of single-application flavored lubes behind there. NIGHTMARES.
ReplyDelete@ Jo-Anne, I have a lock on the door. And I have since talked to my son about "snooping".
ReplyDelete@ Stock, thank you for the following.
@ Cake, I can imagine. Who stores lube behind the stove? hmmm....
You don't have to pull a muscle in your bendy hose in order to massage it. It needs a good rub down every once in a while to keep it loose.
ReplyDeleteMy mom discovered my secret hiding place for my "massager" recently. The worst part is that I know she did, but she hasn't said a word to me about it. :)
ReplyDelete(FYI - New follower!)
@ Toast Man, that is very true.
ReplyDelete@ Buffy, oh wow. That is a awkward for sure. Thanks for the following.
love this post. so simple and true/we all have a funny story- or we will!
ReplyDeletenow i'm picturing your readers playing fetch with dildos and vibrators- telling their kids that's what they're made for.
what an expensive lie.
but a funny one
Boy: "Did you pull a muscle in your 'bendy hose'?"
ReplyDeleteYour response: "Not yet, but she's about to."
You're welcome.
@ Violet, yes exactly.
ReplyDelete@ Joshua, that is hilarious.
Quick thinking on your part!
ReplyDelete@ Virgin, yes it sure was.
ReplyDelete