A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Silent But Deadly

I was recently given another blog award, although this one is a little different than most of them. This award was the “Silent But Deadly” fart award and it was given to me by Rosie over at "Hello Rosie”.


This award is basically an award where you tell your readers your funniest fart story. And then pass on the award onto five bloggers that you think would have a funny fart story to tell.

Well all my life I have been a farter, I mean who hasn’t had a bout of the gas from time to time. Although lately my flatulence has been limited to when I eat certain foods, and this story is no different.

Last Thursday there was some meeting at my office for the big wigs (or something like that) and they had BBQ catered in. Now it was not for us “rank and file” employees but when the big wigs are done eating it is open season on the left overs for us “lowly” employees. And since I love a free meal, I got me a large plate.

I had a plate of two brisket sammiches (with onions, pickles, and bbq sauce), potato salad, and baked beans. So I am sitting there eating this free goodness and reading my paper like always at the break room table, when it started. I had to fart. Not just a normal fart either, this one had enough pressure behind it to launch a space shuttle into orbit. As I was the only one left at the table, I decided to release the cracken. It was loud and vibrated my chair so much that it probably was recorded by the US Geological Survey as a mild earth quake. And it stunk, not just stunk, but really stunk. Nothing gives me gas worse than beans and onions, and the two combined is enough to make a weapon of ass destruction.

So I kept eating and farting all by my lonesome. About 30 minutes later, I cleaned up my mess and headed back to my office. I then decided that I needed a cup of coffee if I was going to keep myself awake for the balance of the work day. As I was walking to the break room on the other side of the building, I kept farting. This time the farts were silent, but smelled like a sack of rotten onions. So I get to the break room and get myself some coffee, it is then that I fart one more time. Except this time it is different. There is a “present” along with the fart. Yep it is diarrhea. Just a little bit though.

I walk calmly to the bathroom and yep, my stomach is upset. I finish up the business of the day and tell me boss that I am sick and going home for the day. I will have you know though that no one at work knew what had actually happened to me. Only my kids, my brother, and now you know what had really happened to me.

After I get home I noticed that I had been given this nice little award (how ironic is that). And now you all know why I was sick on Thursday and was not able to write a nice post for Friday.

So the moral of this story is this and it is the best advice I can ever give to you my readers, never gamble on a fart. NEVER.

Rosie wanted a story which included the 10 Percent Theory, well I don’t think this story could have been any more 10 percent than that.

Now to pass this on to five other bloggers that make me laugh and I am sure will have a great story to tell.

Bruce over at Stupid Stuff I See & Hear.

Powdered Toast Man at Just The Cheese.

Mrs Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom.

The Peachy One at The Pits Of Being Peachy.

Heather over at Sugar Free Thoughts.

58 comments:

  1. Two of the worst moments when farting:
    1. You fart (possibly from beans and onions), but you're alone. So, like Fat Bastard, you bask in the aroma of your own funk, oblivious to the sound of your nose hairs sizzling away. Then, one of the most beautiful women in the office walks in. Frantically, you look around. Alas, there is no dog on which to pin the blame.
    2. You suffer a catastrophic O-Ring malfunction as you "shart." Hopefully, your tightey-whiteys will contain your intestinal Exxon Valdez.

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  2. nice one, here is fart a situation I had.

    http://theycallmesausage.blogspot.com/2010/12/ass-cheecks-firmly-clenched.html

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  3. I giggled so hard I farted!

    We're a very farty family too...have tons of fart stories to tell.

    congrats on the award but how does Rosie know they are silent but deadly?

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  4. I don't understand why people get grossed out by farts. Yeah, I mean, they have the potential to peel the paint off the walls, but I refuse to spontaneously combust to save a few noses.

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  5. The follow through is the killer, good story.

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  6. Too funny! I love me some brisket!

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  7. I'm not gonna lie, your story was more, um, evocative than any I've read in a long time. I mean, I SMELLED that fart.

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  8. That was hilarious! Oddly enough it reminded me of what you wrote yesterday. Wanna get noticed? Fart in an elevator. I'll bet a nut an attractive woman gets on within 2 floors.
    And thanks for the links to other posts, too. The 10% theory & my vasectomy were outstanding and just plain wrong, respectively. I had the latter myself and believe me, my heart goes out to you.

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  9. Hahaha, now you gave me a laugh today! Too funny. What is up with you guys are sharding?! lol. Glad you had the guts to tell the story. Can't wait to see the stories from those you linked with!

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  10. yay for participating in the SBD challenge! how funny that you got the award the day of the sharting incident. sounds deadly to me!

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  11. @ Al, exactly. Well put sir.

    @ Sausage, I will have to check that out.

    @ Lass, thank you. I have no clue to be honest with you.

    @ Jeff, I agree with you there.

    @ Lurker, thank you.

    @ Laynee, thank you.

    @ Bagel, wow I guess I am getting good at telling stories.

    @ D'Artagnan, thank you very much. I am glad you enjoyed the other stories.

    @ Tex, I have no problems sharing my stories of my life. After all they are all funny.

    @ Sherilin, thank you.

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  12. lol...with you not at you tho...been there as well

    so...thanks man! and congrats...

    i will have to reach int the WayBackTimeMachine for a good fart story...

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  13. Great story.. I dont have a lot of good fart stories as they happen all the time so everything just runs together - no pun intended.

    My lady friend makes a big deal about me farting as if she's never been around a guy before... sheesh!

    SD
    The Simple Dude

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  14. damn dude.... I didn't mean to jinx you!

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  15. @ Bruce, either case it is still funny. And you should dig deep down in the bowels for a good story.

    @ Simpledude, thank you sir. Loved the pun.

    @ Rosie, yes you did jinx me. But hey it made for a funny story right?

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  16. LMAO, it did! Thanks for playing along!

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  17. That was not a fart my friend...that was a SHART!!! HAHAHAHHA

    Thanks for sharing, makes you more human.

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  18. @ Rosie, no problem.

    @ Galore, technically there was a fart before the shart. And you are welcome.

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  19. ROLF. OMG. TMI maybe?! nope! love this!

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  20. The level of detail included in this story should be given some sort of additional award just for the effort you put in. Hilarious!

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  21. @ Williamsgirl, I am glad you liked it.

    @ Randomgirl, thank you.

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  22. I kinda feel bad for the person coming in the break room after you left.

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  23. oh my goodness! lmao! gotta love the shart...stories of it crack me up every single time! Sorry it upset your stomach so badly but I cringe just thinking of all your poor coworkers who walked through your crop dusting of farts and wondered what died! haha farts are always funny.

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  24. Wow...just wow. Congratulations on the award. I think?

    How do you manage to have silent farts? Do you have no butt cheeks for them to reverberate against?

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  25. @ Ruth, so did I.

    @ Jewels, I am glad you liked my story.

    @ Semi, thank you. I am not sure but mine are always loud.

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  26. Farting is a way for a man to bitch at his wife/girlfriend. One time I made my wife puke with one of my good ones!!

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  27. Hey shit happens right? Lol I have some pretty good fart stories myself, and burp stories, and hell even some good stories about shit i do when i'm drunk.

    One question in all seriousness do you ever hold it in to purposefully Cropdust someone?

    www.catiesjourney.blogspot.com

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  28. so this isn't so much a fart story so much as it is a SHART story.

    but still immensely enjoyed at your expense! ;o)

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  29. @ Bushman, that is true. I used to make my ex wife gag from mine sometimes. Served her right for being a beyotch.

    @ Catie, shit does happen, that is true. Sometimes I hold it in to do that yes.

    @ JLOW, it is a story about both really.

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  30. I loved the post! I was reading it to my SO in midst of my laughing. He thought it was hilarious!

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  31. Um...I was eating peanuts when I read this. Needless to say that's the last bag of nuts I'll be eating for awhile.

    I don't have many fart stories, but I have some mean IBS stories that I'd love to pull out and blame my grossness on you. Thanks!

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  32. Is it ok if I say fucking on here? because I fucking just laughed so hard I woke up my dog who then farted, and rolled his eyes at me. which I find totally ironic, or this could be a farting epidemic. Either way dude, I am feeling your pain. I have a sharting story ( or 10) but I can't post them right now cause I just got back from a conf and these big fancy smancy people are reading my shit and following me and until they get turned off by my daily vulgar I can't write about shitting myself, but don't worry by Friday I think I can. I will dedicate it to YOU , yes YOU baby. Congrats on the FART award on the day you Sharted yourself at work. And thanks so much for passing the stinking rectal award on to me. I would give you a blow job but I am so lazy those days are behind me. Way to go man. Maybe we can get a tie in sponsorship from imodium and depends in a couple years. LOL

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  33. LOL..this was too funny totally made my day i needed the giggle so thank you

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  34. @ Cajun, I am glad you two got a kick (or run) out of it.

    @ Mrs Hyde, sorry for your loss in peanuts. I picked you for this award because you are a funny writer.

    @ Peachy, thank you. You can always say fuck around here. ALWAYS. Any ways, yes you can post about it later.

    @ Becca, I am glad you liked it.

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  35. Congrats on the award...as soon as you mentioned the baked beans I knew it would be a good story!

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  36. Congrats on the award! I have a few funny stories myself (think what is the worst thing to do while getting a "female" exam)

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  37. Walking farts are the best - they almost make me laugh out loud sometimes - I'm not much of a proper lady!

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  38. @ Reck, thank you.

    @ Baygirl, thank you very much. Oh that would be a hilarious story to hear.

    @ Laughingmom, yes they are. And who cares what is proper?

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  39. Absolutely priceless. Great story and great award.

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  40. You're lucky no one walked into the breakroom after, well, you broke it.

    I've found that the surest way to call a meeting in your cube is to drop a little gas. Next thing you know, you have a quorum. A horrified quorum.

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  41. I'm at a loss here, OT. Do I congratulate you for this award? At any rate, I'm very grateful you didn't pass it on to me. I'm also glad you live in a different state. No offense. I can enjoy looking from a distance.
    xoRobyn

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  42. @ Barb, thank you.

    @ Bluz, that is so true.

    @ Robyn, just say congrats. lol

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  43. Um, congrats? ^_^; Funny story though, OT!

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  44. My youngest son is a champion farter. Nothing quite like being called to the school so the teacher can discuss his little "gas problem"
    Congrats on the award and I hope you got the stains out

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  45. @ Kat, thank you very much.

    @ Mynx, my daughter is the same way as your son. She farts bad when she drinks a glass of water. And I trashed the boxers.

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  46. Oh jeez! The pressure (pun intended) of coming up with a fart story!! This could be a stumper for me. I'll put my thinking cap on just for you, OT.

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  47. @ Heather, I am sure something will creep up from the bowels of your brain. lol

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  48. I'm fairly certain every person in corporate America has experienced that. The worst is when you have to KEEP excusing yourself to the restroom and everyone then looks at you. I feel bad for the cleaning staff :(

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  49. HA! I can't wait for the other bloggers stories!

    Grats!

    hed

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  50. Hahahahaha AWWWEEESEEEEEM! I love it. You just never know when one of them is going to sneak out on you.

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  51. @ Hed, same here.

    @ Cake, exactly why I told this story.

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  52. Hilarious...and, yet, I feel bad--that crap (literally) is NO fun.

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  53. Thanks for the award. I'm behind on my blogging but I will make sure I write a story when I can. It might be a month from now but I will get to it. MMM diarrhea.

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  54. @ Toastman, I know you have been busy, school is hell.

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