The History Of Thanksgiving

Since Thanksgiving is here in the United States, I would like to take a minute to tell you about the real reason for Thanksgiving. No not the reasons that the media, history, and popular culture like to tell you about, but the true reason why Thanksgiving was started.

Hundreds of years ago people set out to leave the United Kingdom in search of a new place to live. Now the media and historians will tell you that they left the United Kingdom and came to North America to flee religious persecution. They will also tell you that these people also left to fulfill the human spirit to see the world and to explore. Those two reasons are just a politically correct attempt to not offend our distant British cousins.

The real reason that our forefathers left the United Kingdom was due to culinary persecution. Yes I said it; they left because the food in the United Kingdom sucked. The four main dishes that they had there was bread, fish, mutton, and potatoes. Now I know for a fact that there are only so many meals that you can make with those four things, and something tells me that fish au gratin was not a very tasty meal. Regardless of how many ways Bubba Gump says you can make a shrimp dish, you would get sick of the same thing all the time. And that is exactly what happened here.

A group of Pilgrims (ie smart fucking people) saved up all the money and charted a boat to get the fuck out of the United Kingdom set off in search of some new culinary creations. The traveled across the Atlantic Ocean using a primitive form of TomTom and after many weeks came to what is today known as Plymouth, Massachusetts.

When the Pilgrims first arrived they found a new beautiful land full of promise. The Pilgrims then came across the Native Americans and quickly learned how to communicate with them. The Pilgrims indicated to the Native Americans that they were on a grand quest for a new type of food. As the Native Americans were a nice people, they showed the Pilgrims corn, wheat, broccoli, and other fresh vegetables which the Pilgrims had never seen before. Then the Native Americans showed the Pilgrims their prized source of food, and that was the turkey.

The Pilgrims tried some of the turkey that they had been newly introduced to, and were instantly in love with it. It tasted like nothing that they had ever had in the United Kingdom. The Pilgrims were so happy with the new food that they proposed to the Native Americans that they should collectively have a large dinner celebration to commemorate the land that they had come to with the new source of food. They collectively hunted for the turkeys and gathered the vegetables and had a feast.

The feast consisted of smoked turkey, turkey legs, a crude stuffing, turkey bacon, corn, beer (brought over from the United Kingdom), and turkey jerky. The Native Americans and the Pilgrims ate for hours and hours. Then they all took a long nap. The Pilgrims were so thankful that they had found a new type of food to eat that was not mutton or fish. And to thank the Native Americans, the Pilgrims taught them how to build and operate casinos, and also how to make beer.

So on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I urge each and every one of you to be mindful of the real reason why we celebrate this holiday. And that is the flight from culinary persecution that our fore fathers took almost 400 years ago. So be thankful that we have the turkey and we are not eating fish-n-chips with mashed peas on this day and every other day.

And yes this is sarcasm in case you could not tell.