A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The History Of Thanksgiving

Since Thanksgiving is here in the United States, I would like to take a minute to tell you about the real reason for Thanksgiving. No not the reasons that the media, history, and popular culture like to tell you about, but the true reason why Thanksgiving was started.

Hundreds of years ago people set out to leave the United Kingdom in search of a new place to live. Now the media and historians will tell you that they left the United Kingdom and came to North America to flee religious persecution. They will also tell you that these people also left to fulfill the human spirit to see the world and to explore. Those two reasons are just a politically correct attempt to not offend our distant British cousins.

The real reason that our forefathers left the United Kingdom was due to culinary persecution. Yes I said it; they left because the food in the United Kingdom sucked. The four main dishes that they had there was bread, fish, mutton, and potatoes. Now I know for a fact that there are only so many meals that you can make with those four things, and something tells me that fish au gratin was not a very tasty meal. Regardless of how many ways Bubba Gump says you can make a shrimp dish, you would get sick of the same thing all the time. And that is exactly what happened here.

A group of Pilgrims (ie smart fucking people) saved up all the money and charted a boat to get the fuck out of the United Kingdom set off in search of some new culinary creations. The traveled across the Atlantic Ocean using a primitive form of TomTom and after many weeks came to what is today known as Plymouth, Massachusetts.

When the Pilgrims first arrived they found a new beautiful land full of promise. The Pilgrims then came across the Native Americans and quickly learned how to communicate with them. The Pilgrims indicated to the Native Americans that they were on a grand quest for a new type of food. As the Native Americans were a nice people, they showed the Pilgrims corn, wheat, broccoli, and other fresh vegetables which the Pilgrims had never seen before. Then the Native Americans showed the Pilgrims their prized source of food, and that was the turkey.

The Pilgrims tried some of the turkey that they had been newly introduced to, and were instantly in love with it. It tasted like nothing that they had ever had in the United Kingdom. The Pilgrims were so happy with the new food that they proposed to the Native Americans that they should collectively have a large dinner celebration to commemorate the land that they had come to with the new source of food. They collectively hunted for the turkeys and gathered the vegetables and had a feast.

The feast consisted of smoked turkey, turkey legs, a crude stuffing, turkey bacon, corn, beer (brought over from the United Kingdom), and turkey jerky. The Native Americans and the Pilgrims ate for hours and hours. Then they all took a long nap. The Pilgrims were so thankful that they had found a new type of food to eat that was not mutton or fish. And to thank the Native Americans, the Pilgrims taught them how to build and operate casinos, and also how to make beer.

So on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I urge each and every one of you to be mindful of the real reason why we celebrate this holiday. And that is the flight from culinary persecution that our fore fathers took almost 400 years ago. So be thankful that we have the turkey and we are not eating fish-n-chips with mashed peas on this day and every other day.

And yes this is sarcasm in case you could not tell.


  1. I am so so thankful fish is not on my thanksgiving dinner menu! Thanks for the enlightenment of our forefathers and their desire to find meat! lol

  2. My 'people' migrated here in the late 1800s for similar reasons. But they left Germany and not the UK. They were sick of bratwurst, sauerkraut and warm beer. They came in search of pizza, corn dogs and cold beer.

    Unfortunately they were too stupid to migrate to a warm climate, so here I am stuck in Minnesota.


  3. How are you not a history teacher? wait, are you a history teacher? This was very informative and I shall tell it to all who will listen to my drunk rants at dinner tomorrow

  4. @ Simple Dude, I agree with you on that point. When my dads side of the family came here in the 1600's, they went to Pennsylvania. They went from one cold shitty climate to another cold shitty climate.

  5. @ the Shits, no I am not a history teacher.

    I went to school for Biology and I ended working in the oilfield. Although history has always been and will always be my favorite subject.

    If I ever win the lotto, I would go back to school and get a PHD and become a history professor.

  6. The picture of that turkey made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the, um, history lesson?

  7. I liked that you glossed over the fact of Pilgrim's teaching the Indians how to properly use their immune systems too. It was a win-win situation.

  8. @ Kelley, I am glad you got a laugh out of the picture.

    And you are welcome for the history lesson.

  9. @ Sam, that is why I threw in the beer comment. Beer kills all germs.

  10. After reading your post, I have come to the conclusion that all immigrants came for the same reason. Variety of experiences for their palate. I believe that my ancestors left Ireland because they were over potatoes and cabbage and corned beef if they were very lucky.

    Given your theory though, why did the Italians come? Surely they weren't fleeing tastebud persecution.

  11. OT
    too fucking funny...tomorrow whilst i am foraging for ffod as there will be no leftovers cuz my fatlazysisinlaw took it all back to her house, i will travel to a casino and party with the native americans and drink lots of beer...

    you fucking rock!



  12. @ STT, I would agree with you on the ones who came long ago. Now people just come for work and to live off our government. I mean who would leave Mexico when they already have great food, beer (Corona), and tequila (Patron Silver)?

    And the Italians left because they were tired of being felt up on Sunday mornings by the Priests. And also in large part to find a new source of healthier cheese, which they found come from the milk of the cows on the west coast.

  13. @ Bruce, I know how you feel about fatsisinlaws as I have had a couple of them. Well they are exfatsisinlaws now but that is besides the point.

  14. I like your perspective on history.. very enlightening.

    Good post.. funny too :)

  15. You're missing one other key point, regarding the Pilgrims migration.

    They also wanted to escape soccer. The nil-nil scores and constant diving took their toll, so they set off for the New World to wait for football to be invented.

    Thanksgiving was actually the first tailgate party.

  16. @ Uninspired, I am not a revisionist of history, more like a person who makes history a little more interesting. I should be a teacher.

    @ Bluz, that was part of it as well. But I left it out because it goes without saying if you are in a land with good food that shitty nil-nil soccer is not the most passionate thing going on in that country.

  17. Gotta love turkey. Those native american's knew where the fuck it was at! :-)

  18. @ Jewels, yes the turkey is the shit. And of course the Native Americans knew where it was, that is why they crossed the land bridge to North America from Asia in search of a new culinary delight. But that story is for another post.

  19. Does mutton taste as bad as it sounds? I really enjoyed this version of Thanksgiving, especially the bit about casinos and beer.
    Have a good - or at least bearable- holiday.

  20. I think your version of events is far more entertaining, especially the part about turkey bacon.

  21. @ Robyn, I am sure back then it probably did taste like shit since they really didn't have any good cajun seasoning to put in it. And thanks. I will be ok or at least bearable as I can be. Plus there is a lot of football on so I will be content.

    @ Sandra, thank you. I like my version of history better than the versions in the overly politicized text books that they have in schools today.

  22. Mutton sounds like it would taste like the wet ass end. Blech. I am so thankful our forefathers came in search of meat! I like your version so much better, and it is probably more accurate!
    Have a happy meat filled day !!!

  23. What? No mention of the peace pipe?

  24. Hilarious as always! Thanks for the laugh.


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