A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Sex Tips From Dr Sammich

I said from time to time I would dish out some of my worldly advice, so here you go. Here are some sex tips for all you women whether you want them or not and they are good for you whether you are married or single. But then again if you are doing all of these things chances are very good that you are off of the market forever.

If you want your man to give you an orgasm, show him where to lick, bite, nipple, pinch, and slap. Yes us men folk do not need GPS to drive because we are born with it, but not every woman likes the same things as you do. You women have different directions to the same place, so you have to show him. If you like to be licked in a certain spot, show him where to lick. Make a huge sign with neon saying, “Lick HERE!!!” If you like to be fucked hard, tell him that you want to be fucked hard and have your head go through the wall. If you like to ride him slowly, tell him that and then show him how you can ride. If you like to be fingered, put his finger in you and show him where your g-spot is. Remember communication will solve 99% of all sexual things.




When it comes to oral sex, occasionally it would be nice to have a woman give a blowjob to completion. Don’t just suck on it for 30 seconds and then climb on it and ride it off into the sunset, no give a blowjob to completion at least once a week. Hell preferably once a day. Do it in the morning before he goes to work. He will take the trash out, have a good day at work, clean the house, cook dinner, and then fuck your brains out every night if you suck him off daily. Yes world peace can be achieved this way.




If you are having sex with a man for the first time and you are a squirter, please warn him. Nothing is more gross more exciting than giving a woman oral sex till she cums and then she squirts all over you and you wind up looking like that slimy ghost from the movie Ghostbusters. Just warn us, we don’t mind a Noah like flood in bed, but we would like to move our faces out of the line of fire or at least close our eyes.




Do not complain about the taste of the sperm. If you don’t like the taste of it, change his diet to something that will make it taste better. I mean you should be cooking for him anyways, so it is not like this is hard to do. But do not complain about the taste especially when he goes down on you when you are not summers eve fresh. We men folk have to eat that Hamburger Helper shit that you women cook all the time, so take one for the team and just do it swallow it.




Well I think that should be enough for you to ponder for one day. Next time I will tell you women how to enjoy anal sex. Till then, have some good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy cum.

23 comments:

  1. uhm My husband says he doesn't care what I do with it when he's done, just FYI. Also I learned in college, when dating jocks, just to go ahead and put numbers all over my body in sharpie, then in bed, just call out . BLUE 42, RED 73, BLUE 22, HIKE ! No fail system there dude. They loved that shit. Then when I married my ubber geek, I just would tap it out in morse code on his shoulder or the top of his head. He liked it. The secret it, communication, some dudes are tactile learners, some need commands, and others just throw your ass on the washing machine cause they like the spin cycle.

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  2. That's cool, our blogs are on the same wavelengths it seems, at least timing wise! Thanks for the tips!

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  3. Yes Nikki it seems like we are on the same wavelength today. You are welcome.

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  4. That's a big price to pay for world peace, my friend. (Well, not sure how big. The size may vary.) At any rate, I appreciate your honesty. Communication is important, especially when naked.
    xoRobyn

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  5. I believe in paying it forward, so I think world peace can be achieved from you suck me I lick you. I should run for office on the Sammich and BJ platform.

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  6. I would like to point out that the woman isn't the only one who needs to do the communicating. While it's obvious that the man should be guided in the ways of the lickage and biting, etc, etc., he should also be WILLING TO BE GUIDED!
    Don't bang her like a stubborn nail! Nobody likes to be treated like the concrete at the end of a jackhammer ALL the time, and if you think that's the way to go - at least ASK if that's what she likes.
    Yes, women should give direction. Men should give direction. BOTH should also be open to receiving guidance.
    I disagree on world peace being achieved through oral... Some people are just not that good at it.

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  7. Miley, I understand what you are saying but if you would have read the first sentence you would have seen that this was for women. My advice to men will come later. Thanks for playing along.

    And trust me about the world peace, a bad blowjob is better than no blowjob at all.

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  8. Clearly, you have not had a terrible blowjob like i have had terrible oral. It was so bad it made me want to put my clothes back on and leave. Except we were married so I couldn't really do that.
    So, world peace cannot be achieved if the woman isn't happy. You know the saying right? "If mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy"
    I mean, come on. Look at hillary clinton. You think Bill is servicing her properly? PUH-LEEZ. While he's been off gallavanting, she's about ready to nuke a 3rd world country for shits & giggles.

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  9. Great advice. This seems more appropriate for those in a relationships. For someone like me - hell with communication - its a one night stand baby - I'm gonna bang the shit out of her and I don't care how she sucks - as long as she sucks!!! he he... then maybe if things work out I'll read this again and follow your advice...

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  10. Miley, I seem to remember keeping you happy in that department. So yea.

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  11. I'm with Oilfield - just look at the arab world - if they let their women out and got a few blow jobs - we've reduce these dumb fucking terrorists by 99%.

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  12. Zack I will have a blog coming soon about how to get peace in the middle east.

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  13. I like hamburger helper unless that was a metaphor for something else. There should be a national blowjob month. I'll start the paperwork.

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  14. Everyday should be blowjob day, but I guess I would settle for a month.

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  15. I love giving oral to a man. I have yet to figure out why the hell it's called a blow job though....I love it! Oh as you know by reading my blog post about it...

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  16. Well SSW you are in the minority of women who like to do that. And who cares what they call it, as long as they do it.

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  17. lol ...ya I know no one cares what they call it. I have yet to figure out why it's not a turn on for more women! It's sexy and powerful!

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  18. I have no clue, but if you figure it out you need to find a cure for it.

    I have yet to find one who can do it for longer than a couple of minutes for wanting to climb on it.

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  19. I'm am excellent at it or so I've been told and I can usually get an explosion within 5 minutes....I don't like to be on top..but I do like to please my men!! I use my great talent to my advantage of course, especially when I'm not feeling like sex, which is rare!

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  20. Ha that sounds like a challenge. lol

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  21. I love a great challenge! :)

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