A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hostage Santa

A while back one of the bloggers I follow (Not Worth Mentioning) posted a blog about ways you could take down Santa and tranquilize him. This blog got me thinking about what would my kids say and do to Santa if they were to tranquilize him.

As you know or may not know I have a set of 10 year old twins (one boy and one girl) who are night and day different when it comes to personality. My son (referred to by one of his nicknames –Biggie) can be sweet at times, but mostly he shows a evil, sick, twisted sense of humor like his dad does. While my daughter (also referred to by one of her nicknames – Sissy) is a total polar opposite of her brother, and tends to be very sweet, thoughtful, and angelic most of the time. So here goes the story of what happened when my kids tranquilized poor Santa.

Santa comes down the chimney and is promptly shot with the tranquilizer gun, bound with hand cuffs and duct tape, and placed on the couch. The twins go through Santa’s bag of gifts for them to see their gifts and then let time pass so they can interrogate question him.

Biggie – He’s waking up.

Sissy – Yes he is coming around.

Santa – Where am I?

Biggie – I will ask the questions you fat fuck.

Santa – You are not supposed to be cussing young man.

Biggie – (after slapping Santa) Look I am aware of that. But those are deer lease words and well since we bagged and tagged your ass, they are appropriate to use here so shut it.

Sissy – Now Biggie, he is going to talk, there is no need to be angry.

Biggie – Bullshit, there sure is a reason to be angry. Santa why the fuck is this bag always skimpy when you come down our chimney?

Santa – Well you always are skimpy when it comes to getting good grades.

Biggie – (slaps Santa again). Why do you each year bring us the same scooters that always break. You are Santa can’t you get the kids making this shit in China to improve them a little?

Santa – They are made in the North Pole, not China.

Biggie – (slaps Santa again) you are a fat fucking liar.

Sissy – Now Biggie we don’t need to beat him to death. We already got the toys in his bag. Santa, why can’t you bring something more realistic that I want like a new Barbie, or a new Build-a-Bear?

Santa – I go by the list that you send me each year and bring you stuff based upon that list.

Sissy – But we have never sent you a list before.

Biggie – You fat fuck, you just bring us gifts based upon some other kids list. How many other Biggie and Sissy twins are there?

Santa – There must be some mistake here.

Biggie – You bet your fat ass there is, you keep bringing us the wrong fucking toys.

Sissy – Look Santa we are going to let you slide this year, but next year please can you get our gifts correct?

Santa – Yes I think I can do better next year.

Biggie – You had better keep your promise you rosy red bastard or I will report you to the labor boards for using all those damn underage workers at the North Pole. And if you show up next year with someone else’s gifts, I will hook you up to a car battery and cables, drench you with a water hose, and thoroughly go medieval on your ass all night.

Santa – There is no need for anger my son, I will get it right next year.

Sissy – Thanks though Santa for replacing our broken scooters. Merry Christmas.

Santa – Merry Christmas.

Biggie – Merry Christmas you old bastard, now get the hell out of my house.

 And there you have it, Christmas through the eyes of two kids.


  1. Hahaha fat bastard! Hey that's the name of a pretty good wine BTW, I think Biggie may have a drinking problem... You may want to look into that you know, better safe than sorry!

  2. Love it - those kids should kidnap the Easter Bunny in a few months and give him a piece of their minds too.


  3. twisted and funny...

    I love how the main theme seems to be (other than slapping the fatman and gratuitious use of the word fuck, both admirable)getttin the wrong presents....

    i gave up on that long ago, and now get one thing for the little ingrates, (j/k altho' they are 16 and 24 it is much easier) then a giftcard..

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

  4. This is epic beyond words!

    I feel sorry for old St. Nick should he ever fall into the hands of your kids; or any kids for that matter.

    Yet at the same time when I saw those handcuffs I have to admit my mind went in an entirely different direction for a minute.

    Deer lease words...heehee

  5. OMG. I had water coming out of my nose from laughing. Thank you. I needed that.

  6. @ Nikki, there might be some truth to that.

    @ Simpledude, that is a possibility.

    @ Bruce, you can't go wrong with the work fuck.

    @ Primed, thank you. And I agree about the cuffs. Oh and the deer lease words part of the story has some truth to it actually.

    @ Cinderita, thank you.

  7. This is hilarious. Biggie is a force to be reckoned with. Can I borrow him the next time someone gives me a gift I don't like? xo

  8. Perhaps there is a future job waiting for them as interrogators at Guantanamo Bay.
    good guy, bad guy...

    GREAT story!

  9. You almost cost me precious beer...luckily I swallowed (what a good girl I am, huh) before breaking out into hysterical laughter!

    Gotta love the twins taking on the tried and true good cop/bad cop routine. Santa had it coming!

  10. You had me at Fat Fuck...my new favourite nickname for the fat fucker in the red suit.
    Somehow, though, Mr. Oilfield Trash, I highly highly doubt your son, Biggie, says the "f" word that many times. I don't even say the "f" word that many times in one conversation and I pride myself on my use of profanity!
    This was terrific as are you! I'm glad we can agree that Santa is a nuissance and should be disposed of.

  11. Me thinks that Biggie might get a voucher for anger management classes from Santa next year. Love the whole "good cop, bad cop" act they have going. Guess they use it to work thier dad too.

  12. @ Robyn, yes he is a force to be dealt with. And yes you can borrow him.

    @ Pat, thank you.

    @ Jewels, I am glad you didn't spill your beer. And thank you.

    @ Sandra, well I am sure when my son is at the deer lease, he does use the fuck word a lot. And thank you, I am glad you enjoyed my little fairy tale.

    @ Mynx, yes he does need some anger management classes. And sometimes they do use this routine on me.

  13. Thats good shit.
    at least they were
    humane and used tranqs on santa :)

  14. Deer lease words....thats just priceless! I laughed out loud.

    My two year old saw the picture and she said "Oh...Santa! He was bad?"

  15. @ Mack, thank you. Yes they were humane in their treatment of Santa.

    @ Daffy, my kids really did say deer lease words this year. A couple of times they came back from the deer lease talking about bad words that they can only say at the deer lease because they are "deer lease" words.

  16. Gawd, I hope I don't have twins! Definitely would be sleeping with one eye open. The difference thought is the girl would be one to look out for and she would probably drop the C-bomb a lot.

  17. Uhhhhhhhhh, didn't say you also lived in Houston? Gottagobye.

  18. @ Cricket, thanks for stopping by. And the twins are not that hard, trust me. I like your blog and I am now a follower. You should see my blog about worldly Wednesdays where I wrote about my trip to Edmonton and Calgary.

  19. @ Kelley, yes I do also live in Houston. lol

  20. bwahahahaha!

    this was my favorite part:

    "Santa – Where am I?

    Biggie – I will ask the questions you fat fuck."

    haha! i fucking howled.

  21. Psstt...I'm a follower now too. I'm oilsands trash too!
    Oh and it's pronounced 'Secret'.
    Will have to check out the trip to Cal/Edm! Happy New Year!!

  22. @ Kage, I am glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Galore, oh ok, I thought it was crickets. And I saw that you are also oil trash. Happy New Year to you as well.

  23. Beat him to death? Cussing? LOVE IT!!! I might have been the start of this...but you my friend – perfected it!!! Happy NEW YEAR to you!!!

  24. @ Copyboy, thank you. I knew you of all people would enjoy this little story.

  25. LOL!!! If he brings them a scooter can I torture him with them... maybe shove tons and tons of crappy cookies down his throat and pour a gallon of mill ontop of the cookies refusing to let him speak... pleaaaaaase!!!

    *coughs* maybe I shouldn't seem too eager to torture someone. :}

  26. @ Jessica, if he shows up with another scooter next year, I will gladly invite you over to help torture him.


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