A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

No Christmas Gifts

So as all of you know from my last post, I am sick. Well I am still ill and have been since last Thursday. Today I am not really feeling any better, but now my sinuses are draining so I am coughing up this nasty shit that looks like it is the base for the broth in that nasty Russian beef stew (I forget the name). I still have the shrine to Jobu on my fireplace with offerings for him to get me better. I am almost at the point of offering a small animal (or a large one if need be) as a sacrifice if it would help me get better soon so I am not sick and alone on Christmas. Ever heard of someone being too damn sick to be depressed on Christmas because they are alone? Neither have I, but I am pretty sure my body can’t take being sick and depressed at the same time.

My kids last week were acting like brats progressively worse each day at home the closer it came to Friday as it was their last day of school for the year. They could sense the upcoming time off from school like those animals in the Indian Ocean area sensed the tsunami before it hit and they ran to higher ground. They also knew that last week was the only time left in 2010 to get on my ever last never (they won’t be back until the 3rd or 4th of January) so they had to outdo their normal misbehaviors at home. On Friday I had reached my last level of tolerance before either beating them or shooting them with the tranquilizer gun. My brother (who is also my roommate by the way) decided to go to the store for beer (the life blood of the old hippy dude up in the sky) and stuff to make BBQ for dinner. Once I realized that he was getting some beer for me to relax, I calmed down.

10 minutes after leaving the house to go to the store, my brother walks in the front door carrying beer and bbq stuff for dinner. He looks at my kids and starts singing the following song (think the old Christmas song “O Christmas Tree”) to them very loudly:

No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,
You damn brats don’t deserve them.
No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,
Thy attitude leaves thee never.
You are little brats in summer's prime,
And you are brats at Christmas time.
No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,
Thy kids are brats forever.
No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts….

(yes this is actually my small fake Christmas tree)

I looked at my brother and just burst out laughing. No scratch that, I was laughing so damn hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. My son got all pissy and angry and bum rushed my brother and punched him. My daughter got a little teary eyed and asked if there were really no Christmas gifts this year. Now my brother normally is the one on the other side of the jokes, but when he does crack a joke on someone else, it is fucking epic and worthy of mention in the history books. My brother in one small moment had just made my day and cheered me up and I hadn’t even open up a beer yet. We went outside to light the fire on the bbq pit and had a good 15 minute chuckle over his rendition of the old Christmas song.


  1. hope you feel better soon. suck being sick anytime. :-(
    that song's hilarious.. i think what i should do is go home and take all the gifts from under my kids tree... and start singing that song... hhmm.. wonder how that would go over.. bet lil man would start acting straight.

    Merry Christmas!

  2. LOL I may have to use that song on my niece tonight if she gets out of line when I take her shopping tonight

  3. @ Mama, I will hopefully be better by New Years. And go ahead and use the song, it does work because my kids started acting right.

    @ Birdshit, go right ahead and use it.It is classic after all.

  4. I just have to tell you, this line; "They could sense the upcoming time off from school like those animals in the Indian Ocean sensed the tsunami before it hit and they ran to higher ground." just about had me falling out of my chair.

    Brilliant, sir!

    I hope you're feeling better soon...

  5. @ Sharaf, thank you.

    @ Teach, I am glad you liked that one. I put that line in there for the few teachers like yourself who read my blog from time to time.

  6. I love that song. That was hilarious! You just gave me an idea for a post about what we did to my old roommate's kids the year they decided there was no Santa.

    Get better soon! You have to have your strength to drink and be merry for the game tomorrow night.


  7. I so love your brother. He's not Mr "Funny all the time" but when he is, damn it's awesome.

  8. @ Krissy, thank you. I will need my strength for the game.

    @ Miley, yes he is awesome sometimes.

  9. Great song, but remember you can also give them coal.

  10. I hope you do get better soon! The song is a hoot! I would use it but the presents under my damn tree are creeping up into the tree and across the damn living room and it would take more effort to hide them so I refuse! lol

  11. @ Copyboy, that is very true. I forgot about coal. My brother actually suggested coal a few weeks ago fro them.

    @ SSW, thank you. And I agree that would be too much trouble to move them all.

  12. Wow, now I'm REALLY looking forward to having kids one day! Not!

    Feel better by Christmas! :)

  13. @ Blah, my kids are not really that bad. They are very well behaved out in public and at school. At home though they fight like it is UFC fight. But I can't blame them for it, they are twins and well twins do that.

  14. Hey OT, hope you're feeling better soon and that you have fantastic christmas.

  15. dude- i feel your pain...
    get better soon...

    *eat some chicken noodle soup...

    and put a hot towel on your head...*

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

  16. I have never been happier that I have decided to live a child free life. The kids I nanny for are showing the same tsunami signs...and no threat of Santa or a presentless Christmas is getting through their thick skulls. I dread next week when they are home from school and I have all 4 and there is no Santa to threaten them with! :-(

    Love the song though!! :-) Feel better soon...you being sick and alone on Christmas is too depressing for me to handle.

  17. If you inject the beer directly into your bloodstream it will cure your illness faster. Damn kids!!

  18. Your brother, as we say around these parts, sounds like good shit.

    Sorry you've been ill. And sorry you've been depressed. I hope your holidays leave you neither sick nor depressed but semi-buzzed and feelin' fine.


  19. I hope you feel better.. but in the meantime, keep cracking on the kids. Laughter is good for the soul!

  20. Would you be opposed to me using that song for my students during their final exam? Feel better soon! And Happy Holidays!

  21. @ Uninspired, thank you.

    @ Bruce, I would love to eat some chicken noodle but I can't taste a damn thing. And eating with no taste is like sex with no happy ending, it just ain't happening. lol

    @ Toastman, I would do a direct injection but I am terrified of needles.

    @ Pearl, yes my brother is very good shit. I should be ok by Christmas as I am hitting up the liquor store today when I leave work. Well I hope I am better because the hangover I am going to have will be epic.

    @ Holly, thank you. Laughter is the best medicine for anything. Now you know why I write my blog, so I can share some of my humor.

    @ Dr, yes you can use my brother song for your students final exam. And thank you.

  22. I'm glad you have your bro to keep your spirits up and buy you beer. Will the brats -er, your kids- truly get no gifts? I feel a little bad for them, but they deserved the scare. xo

  23. @ Robyn, thank you. Yes I should have my spirits up quite well. And I am starting to feel a little better today. I could actually taste my pizza and Mellow Yellow tonight.

    And don't worry, my kids are still getting gifts this year. My brothers song to them was merely an idle threat that they don't know was a threat.

  24. All parents need to cut and paste this song to the fridge door! Epic indeed!

  25. Oh sure they're crying now, but you just know they're going to remember it and sing it to their own kids someday.

    Feel better. I mean that very sincerely, since it sounds like you have exactly the same thing I've got and are at exactly the same point of sickness with it, so if you get better soon it means I will too.

    And also good will towards all and stuff, sure.

  26. @ Sandra, I agree with you.

    @ Tatty, I am fairly sure that they will always remember what was said to them. My kids have memories like an elephant.

    I hope you feel better as well.

  27. catching up here! What a bad time to be sick! I hope you are feeling better now...

  28. @ Pat, I am feeling better but still a little sick.


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