Well unless you are living under a rock (or outside of the USA) then you are aware that we are in the thick of the college football bowl game season. Games have already been played already, and we have a whole smorgasbord of games starting on Wednesday and lasting until after New Years. This is one of my favorite times of the year for college football as you see teams that are matched up against each other that normally don’t get to play one another.
My problem with all of these damn bowl games is that they lack imagination in the naming of these bowls. No I am not talking about the big bowl games as they all have great names such as the Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and Sugar Bowl. They all have names which are reasonable and have some meaning to them.
I am speaking about such idiotic bowls out there which have shitty ass names with ties to products that many people have not heard of or have ever used in the first place. And the location of these bowls also has nothing to do with the location where the bowl is being played. These bowls I am referring to are the following: AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl (wtf is Advocare?), Insight Bowl (smart kids bowl?), Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (you can get a mortgage for a double wide trailer?), Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl, Hyundai Sun Bowl, AutoZone Liberty Bowl (the Liberty Bell is in Philly not Memphis), Ticket City Bowl (what does Dallas have to do with tickets?), GoDaddy.com Bowl (I know of no one who has ever used that site other than to view videos of Danica Patrick), BBVA Compass Bowl, uDROVE Humanitarian Bowl, R+L CARRIERS New Orleans Bowl, BEEF 'O' BRADY'S Bowl, and the New Era Pinstripe Bowl. See how all of those really don’t make any sense?
So I have taken the time to rename these shitty bowl games and give them a new more meaningful names and locations to them. Along with new names, I have taken the pleasure of giving them some new sponsors which actually reflect products us normal day-to-day Americans actually use.
The Smith And Wesson Drive-By Bowl – to be held in New Orleans and if possible always featuring either USC or Miami as they are both located in the middle of the hood in their respective cities.
The KFC Fried Chicken Bowl – held in Memphis and featuring the SWAC champion vs. Memphis.
The Cheaters Bowl (the tv show) – game can be played anywhere but must always have SMU vs. the team of the current season caught cheating (ie Ohio State, USC, or Auburn)
The Tampax Bleeders Bowl – game can be played anywhere but must have the country’s two top hard hitting defenses facing each other.
Fresh Step Cat Litter Bowl – This game can be played anywhere but it has to feature two schools which have some form of a cat type animal as their mascot(Kentucky, Penn State,Kansas State).
The Poligrip/Fixodent Denture Cream Bowl – This game will always be played at Southern Mississippi and should be played between two teams from the south (ie Arkansas, Ole Miss, or Alabama).
The Exxon-Mobil Pollution Bowl – Always to be played in Houston at Reliant stadium and the roof has to be open for the game. Teams should be ones which are near refineries (ie University of Houston, McNeese State, LSU).
The Jack Daniels Bowl – to be played in Nashville featuring two teams from the south (ie Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky).
The Kilz Graffiti Removal Bowl – to be played in the Bronx and to be played by two teams which uniforms have way too much fucking colors going on (ie Oregon, Florida, Boise State).
The Suncast Snow Shovel Bowl – to be played outdoors in Minneapolis and features two teams from the south which never play in snow (ie Florida, Arizona, South Carolina).
The We Buy Ugly Houses Homevestor.com Bowl – to be played in Detroit and features two teams from dilapidated housing markets (ie Maryland, Tulane, USC, and any university in Michigan).
The 2000 Flushes Toilet Bowl - to be played at the home field where Boise State plays and features two of the worst teams in college football (ie Norte Dame, Vanderbilt, Northwestern).
The Breathe Right Strips Bowl - to be played in Las Vegas on the strip featuring two of the countries sleeper teams (ie Cal, Standford, Texas A&M).