A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Realistic College Bowl Games

Well unless you are living under a rock (or outside of the USA) then you are aware that we are in the thick of the college football bowl game season. Games have already been played already, and we have a whole smorgasbord of games starting on Wednesday and lasting until after New Years. This is one of my favorite times of the year for college football as you see teams that are matched up against each other that normally don’t get to play one another.

My problem with all of these damn bowl games is that they lack imagination in the naming of these bowls. No I am not talking about the big bowl games as they all have great names such as the Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and Sugar Bowl. They all have names which are reasonable and have some meaning to them.

I am speaking about such idiotic bowls out there which have shitty ass names with ties to products that many people have not heard of or have ever used in the first place. And the location of these bowls also has nothing to do with the location where the bowl is being played. These bowls I am referring to are the following: AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl (wtf is Advocare?), Insight Bowl (smart kids bowl?), Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (you can get a mortgage for a double wide trailer?), Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl, Hyundai Sun Bowl, AutoZone Liberty Bowl (the Liberty Bell is in Philly not Memphis), Ticket City Bowl (what does Dallas have to do with tickets?), GoDaddy.com Bowl (I know of no one who has ever used that site other than to view videos of Danica Patrick), BBVA Compass Bowl, uDROVE Humanitarian Bowl, R+L CARRIERS New Orleans Bowl, BEEF 'O' BRADY'S Bowl, and the New Era Pinstripe Bowl. See how all of those really don’t make any sense?

So I have taken the time to rename these shitty bowl games and give them a new more meaningful names and locations to them. Along with new names, I have taken the pleasure of giving them some new sponsors which actually reflect products us normal day-to-day Americans actually use.

The Smith And Wesson Drive-By Bowl – to be held in New Orleans and if possible always featuring either USC or Miami as they are both located in the middle of the hood in their respective cities.

The KFC Fried Chicken Bowl – held in Memphis and featuring the SWAC champion vs. Memphis.

The Cheaters Bowl (the tv show) – game can be played anywhere but must always have SMU vs. the team of the current season caught cheating (ie Ohio State, USC, or Auburn)

The Tampax Bleeders Bowl – game can be played anywhere but must have the country’s two top hard hitting defenses facing each other.

Fresh Step Cat Litter Bowl – This game can be played anywhere but it has to feature two schools which have some form of a cat type animal as their mascot(Kentucky, Penn State,Kansas State).

The Poligrip/Fixodent Denture Cream Bowl – This game will always be played at Southern Mississippi and should be played between two teams from the south (ie Arkansas, Ole Miss, or Alabama).

The Exxon-Mobil Pollution Bowl – Always to be played in Houston at Reliant stadium and the roof has to be open for the game. Teams should be ones which are near refineries (ie University of Houston, McNeese State, LSU).

The Jack Daniels Bowl – to be played in Nashville featuring two teams from the south (ie Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky).

The Kilz Graffiti Removal Bowl – to be played in the Bronx and to be played by two teams which uniforms have way too much fucking colors going on (ie Oregon, Florida, Boise State).

The Suncast Snow Shovel Bowl – to be played outdoors in Minneapolis and features two teams from the south which never play in snow (ie Florida, Arizona, South Carolina).

The We Buy Ugly Houses Homevestor.com Bowl – to be played in Detroit and features two teams from dilapidated housing markets (ie Maryland, Tulane, USC, and any university in Michigan).

The 2000 Flushes Toilet Bowl - to be played at the home field where Boise State plays and features two of the worst teams in college football (ie Norte Dame, Vanderbilt, Northwestern).

The Breathe Right Strips Bowl - to be played in Las Vegas on the strip featuring two of the countries sleeper teams (ie Cal, Standford, Texas A&M).



  2. You're very clever this morning!

  3. I agree with the stupid names. Back when I was a kid all we had were the Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cotton Bowl, Citrus Bowl and maybe 3 others. I thought the names were boring. But now that they have added all the idiotic sponsors I long for the days of those boring names.

    I'm lining up for tickets to the Suncast Snow Shovel Bowl now. Would love to see Miami taking on Hawaii in that one.


  4. hahaha. I love the renamings. The bowl names really have gotten out of hand. Damn sponsors and their lengthy names. I don't really watch football but if I do it's always college ball. I just can't stomach NFL football...though I guess I'll be watching the Eagles later today. I was hoping to see them break grandpa's hip (Farve)...but turns out he isn't playing. :-( Oh well. Guess I'll watch them spank the Vikings anyway.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  5. I like the last one the best, though I do like the Cheaters Bowl too.

  6. I love your new namings. Inventive! Visionary even! :)

  7. what the hell's football? JUST KIDDING.

    one of these games was playing at the gym yesterday, and i kept looking up at the tv and thinking, "what the fuck is advocare?" and then the players all had funny names, like 'service' and 'trust', and i just thought "americans are weird."

  8. @ Copyboy, thank you. Glad you liked it.

    @ Georgia, I am clever most mornings.

    @ Simpledude, that would be a great match up.

    @ Jewels, thanks.

    @ TS, thank you.

    @ Sam, thank you.

    @ Kage, the names on their jerseys were like that because that team is the Air Force academy so they have names like that.

  9. OT, this is my favorite post of yours yet. And I'm not a football fan. (I know, I know. I'll give it a try if they start serving honey baked ham at the games.) These are great, though. I especially love your little digs at the Southern teams - e.g., Fixodent Denture Cream Bowl must be played in Southern Miss. Good stuff!

  10. @ Robyn, thank you. If they served honey baked ham at bowl games, I would have been to more than 2 bowl games in my life that is for sure.

    And I threw in the southern bit to see if I could get the peachy1 to respond. No such luck yet.

  11. I am laughing out loud! These are terrific! How 'bout this one: the toilet bowl!...ok, I don't have a clever description to follow the way you did, but it sort of sounds like it'd fit in.

  12. These are freaking smart. I'm not a fan of college football (NFL all the way), but I always noticed the lame ass Bowl names and thought to myself, really???


  13. @ Sandra, actually I was supposed to put that bowl game in the list and I forgot and was reminded of that fact this morning. So I have added that one and another one that I also forgot about.

    @ Hed, thank you. You are right there are a lot of lame ass names.

  14. Ha ha! My favorite is the snow shovel bowl. I think that bowl is actually held in Boise.

    My team (Utah) already got creamed by Boise in their shit bowl in Vegas. It was painful.

  15. Yea, you forgot the ones I told you about. Thanks for giving me credit (le sigh)

    I very much love this post.

    Cheese - OT and I watched that painful game at his house. WTF is the MAACO Vegas bowl?! And thus we came up with a bunch more WTF bowls

  16. it is all about the money...

    and that is a shame...

    but this was a fucking funny post...

  17. Very clever post! While I'm not a football fan (except for the players nice asses in those tight little pants) you certainly made the sport a heck of a lot more interesting with your entertaining renaming of all those ridiculous bowls. Great job!


  18. Ok i am an Aussie so dont throw things. Simple question. Why are they called "bowls"

  19. Yes! Texas A&M is a sleeper team! Yay for you! I loved this list. So funny & creative! I really liked Tampax Bleeders Bowl because I bet they'd give away free Tampax to the first 500 women who enter the stadium. Women can always use extra Tampax.

  20. Haha it's all about marketing. Those company want to make as much money as they can. What's better than advertising it in football ^_^

  21. @ Cheese, I watched that game. I dislike Boise now.

    @ Miley, yes I included the ones I forgot about that you had mentioned and included them. There you have your credit.

    @ Sharaf, thanks.

    @ Bruce, that is true it is all about money.

    @ Empress, thanks.

    @ Mynx, they are called bowls because they are a one off game played at the end of the year.

    @ Kelley, at most bowl games they do have a free give aways. Last year when I was at the Capital One bowl each set had a little bag of goodies (tylenol, credit card application, noise maker, etc) attached to each seat. So I am sure the bleeder bowl would have free tampons.

    @ Nite, yes it is all about marketing. Capitalism at it's finest.

  22. is the fixadent bowl for me? Thanks man..

  23. I'm ALL about the Breath Right Bowl. If you've ever broken your nose and eyeball socket, I'm sure you understand why.

  24. I avoid sport like the plague, but these were all pretty giggles.

  25. @ Peachy, yes that one was for you. Although it was at the urging of Miley.

    @ Holly, I have never broken my nose before, but I have been told that I snore loudly.

    @ Les, thanks.

  26. Dude, "snore loudly" is an understatement. The Cajun sleeps next to my MOM, which... she's like a damn train-bear-tornado-v12 sounding snorer and HE said you snore loud.

  27. I LOVE the way you think! Cracking me up...

    And you were born with GPS? Hahahha....

  28. @ Miley, well what can I say, I can't hear you over my awesomeness err snoring.

    @ Janie, thanks. And yes I was born with GPS.

  29. Great new names. Have you talked to the respective new sponsors yet?

  30. @ Toast Man, no I am still trying to think of a way of bringing it up to them.

  31. This post is an instant classic!
    You are so right (and damn funny!)

  32. The FourLoko Bowl- I'm thinking Grambling, Bethune-Cookman or FAMU vs. Cornell, Yale or Dartmouth. All non-Ivy league players required to funnel a fourloko prior to kickoff.

  33. @ Blogger, that would be funny to watch for sure.

  34. I am forwarding this on to my dad and husband.


  35. @ Tib, go right ahead. I am sure that they will like it since they are football fans.


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