My Third Best Birthday Ever

One of the things that happened back in October while I was away from blogging was that I had my birthday. Last year when I celebrated my birthday, I told you a great story about my Second Favorite Birthday Ever (if you haven’t read it you really need to go and read it) so this year I am going to tell you about my Third Favorite Birthday that I have ever had.

So let’s flash back to October 2008 when I had just turned 34. A few days after my birthday I went to hang with my then girlfriend/significant other/bayou mama/woman-I-should-be-married-to who had invited me over to her apartment for a day of pampering me where I didn’t have to do anything for myself.

I know what you are asking, who is this woman and why haven't you written about her? Well this amazing woman is named Miley, and you may or may not have seen her comment around her before from time to time. I have written about her once before about our trip to Orlando, but as I am shy I have not done so very much till now.

Anyways, Miley had invited me over to her apartment where I was to be pampered. As soon as I got there I was greeted with a rather large hug and kiss. After some idle chit chat we left her place on a destination unknown.

She drove us in her car to a cool place near her house called “The Main Event” which was a huge indoor entertainment complex. They had bowling, pool, shuffleboard, laser tag, arcade games, and putt putt golf. We ended up playing an epic game of putt putt golf together. I honestly can’t remember who won that day but I am pretty sure that Miley won (and I know one of us still has the score card).

After the game of putt putt she drove us to a Star Bucks so I could get me some coffee as I was extremely tired that day due to working a lot (sounds familiar huh).

After a short drive around to the area we found our way back to her house where she proceeded to cook me dinner. The dinner consisted of a delicious steak sammich and homemade sweet potato fries, both of which left me taking each bite into my mouth and closing my eyes as result. Miley had made dessert but I didn’t even have room for it as the sammich and the fries had MORE than filled me up. Did I mention that Miley burned her hand while cook this dinner? Yes she did.

While eating we ended up talking and watching a movie together. After dinner, I was given my gift which I eagerly opened up. It was a Stars Wars Mr. Potato Head Darth Vader. Now it might seem trivial or nerdy to you (but I don’t really give a rats ass) but it was the perfect gift for me as I love Star Wars and always wanted a Mr. Potato Head and never really had one when I was a kid.

I can’t tell you what happened next, well because this is not an erotic blog and I don’t believe in kissing and telling. But to answer your question, yes I did and yes it was.

This day ended up with me spending a lot of time with Miley that day. And I really enjoyed it as we laughed at each other’s jokes, we made fun of each other, we just simply talked, I was able to relax, and we were in love. This day was just so special and perfect all at the same time as it was just plain and simple (I am very easy to please). We were both happy together, being ourselves.

I could not have asked for a more perfect birthday.

Thoughts Of A Jackass #6

Well it is beyond time for another edition of “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you guys some of my wonderful thoughts and attempts at humor which I post on Facebook.


I wonder if there are at least 5 people alive in America who actually get excited about having hamburger helper for dinner.

Olive Garden's commercials say, "When you are here, you are family." Well if I am there and I am family, why the fuck am I having to pay for dinner?

I have a new medical procedure that will replace the invasive Lapband procedures to help people lose weight. My procedure will only cost $99.99 for me to perform for patients and during clinical trials has a 100% success rate. I will handcuff the patient’s hands behind their back and place a ball gag in their mouth. You can’t down a bag of Doritos with your hands behind your back and your mouth closed.

We have a new kitten in the house now thanks to my daughter. This is not what I was wanting when I prayed for some pussy.

On this day I am thankful that fresh boiled crawfish has returned to my area.

Herman Cain just defended his latest sexual harassment allegation by saying, "All I asked her to do was order me a pizza and hold the sausage."

So Halloween last night was a success. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups, bibles, miniature Jack Daniels bottles, Chia Pets, and candy apples. I told each kid to pick one and only one. You should have seen the kids and their parents faces at the choices they made.

A year that ends without the Yankees in the World Series is not such a bad year.

I am pretty sure Amanda Knox won't be eating at Olive Garden anytime soon.

So this morning I had to use my sons Axe body wash since I ran out of my brand. I am still waiting for women to jump through the wall to smell me. Damn false advertising.

How come you never see any homeless people drinking Gatorade?

The other night I watched the movie "The Road" and liked it. But when I feel asleep I dreamed that a group of zombie women were out to get me. The twist in my dream was that these women screwed you before they ate your brains. That's normal right?

Anytime you don't feel special, remember: You could have been a blow job.

Do deaf kids sign with their mouths full while they are eating??

In honor of Halloween, today I came to work dressed up as someone who gives a crap.

Facebook really needs to have a brutally honest day where you can tell someone what you really think. Example: "Look lady you are not single because you can't find a man. You are single because you are a bitch and you have held so much cock in your life that you have been given an honorary degree in Urology from Baylor College of Medicine."

Ladies if you are going to get on a dating site and tell the world you have four kids and you are under the age of 30, you don't need to fill out the "hobbies" section of your profile. It is pretty obvious what your hobby is.

Until next time friends….

I am Thankful

Well it is Thanksgiving time around these parts in America so I thought I would write out a little list of stuff that I am thankful for this year.

Of course some of these are more serious than others, but hey this is ME writing this so you already knew that didn’t you?

So in no particular order here is a list of things I am thankful for:


That the six month nightmare at work is over.

That my car is still running after reaching 250,000 miles.

That beer is still readily available to buy and drink.

That I have hope and faith.

That my kids are alive, healthy, and that I haven’t failed them as a father after 11 years.

That this country continues to be resilient after 200 plus years of people trying to tear it apart.

That the small group of people in my life are really awesome people.

That my kids do not like Justin Bieber or his music.

That I am above ground.

That I am still young enough to realize my mistakes and learn from them.

That my sense of adventure is still alive.

That I have my children in my life.

That I have a good job even though sometimes it really stresses me out.

That Tyler Perry has quit making movies. Or least that I know of.

That my small family has accepted me and the hard choices that I have made in life.

That people think I am really awesome.

That football season has been really, really good to me this year.

That I still can afford cable tv because I don’t think I could survive without sports.

That soon our troops in combat will be finally coming home.

That you people are still here to read my non-sense.

That I am capable of loving someone. And telling them that I love them.

That after all I have been through in the last couple of years and my life in general, that I have not let life beat me down and I am happy regardless of what pitch life throws at me.


Well I think that pretty much sums up for me what I am thankful for this year. I am sure that I have forgotten some things and they will come to me after I post this. But that is my list.

So I wish all of you out there a Happy Thanksgiving, be safe, and enjoy your crazy families.

P.S. If you want a really good laugh, click here to go and read about the true history of Thanksgiving that I wrote last year.If you have not read it, it is Classic Oilfield Trash and worthy of reading.

Lee Corso Is My New Hero

I am not sure if you know exactly who Lee Corso is, but he is one of the hosts on ESPN’s College Game Day show. If you don’t know what ESPN is then please remove your head from your ass, unless of course you are outside of America and then it is ok if you don’t what ESPN is.

College Game Day is a show that airs on ESPN each Saturday morning during the college football season. ESPN picks one game each week and the show travels to the location of the game. And they have previews of the day’s game.

The show has three regular guys on it and they also have a “celebrity” from one of the two schools which are playing in the game that they are at. Right before the show is over the four people pick who they think the winner of the game will be. And Le Corso normally does some crazy shit when he picks his winner like he will put on the head of the schools mascot that he picks to win or some other crazy thing.

Thousands of people show up each week at the site where the show is set up for the week. People line up at 2am to get a spot close to the stage. No I am not kidding. I personally know people who have done this.

I have been watching this show for years and honestly can’t remember when I started watching it, but I do know that I really enjoy the banter on the show.

So why am I telling you all of this? Well this past Saturday ESPN College Game Day was on the campus of my university. Yep that is right; ESPN was at the University Of Houston to broadcast live on ESPN, and to also pick the winner of their game with SMU.

In case you don’t remember I went to college at UofH and if you remember I took my kids to their Spring Game (and I knew back in April that this year would be special). I have always been a fan of UofH even before I went there for college and will remain a fan for life.

Which brings me to why Lee Corso is my new found hero, here is the video of the last minute of College Game Day live from UofH.



Yes you heard it correctly, at around 1:05 Lee Corso looks like he is going to pick SMU by picking up a megaphone with SMU written on it, and then he throws it away and says “Ah Fuck It” and puts on the head of Shasta (the UofH Cougar and our mascot) and picks UofH to win. He said “Ah Fuck It” and picked my school to win.

Watch the video again. And again. Watch the response from the guys on either side of Lee Corse. Yes this video is just that great.

Lee Corso says “Ah Fuck It” live on ESPN.

THIS IS FUCKING CLASSIC.

This 2 minute stretch of video that I watched live on Saturday morning made my whole day. I felt so good inside that this tomfoolery took place where I went to college. UofH has never really gotten much attention the last 2 decades so it was nice to see them host College Game Day.

What makes it even better is that at a game earlier in the season against Rice University, all of the students wore red shirts that said “Ruck Fice”. Maybe Lee Corso knew this and acted in his best judgment in what he said, in any case he is my new hero.

Oh and my Cougars beat SMU’s ass 37-7 to become 11-0 on the season and have moved up to Number 8 in the latest BCS rankings.

“Ah Fuck It” is my new saying.

This picture was at College Game Day and it is of a boy dressed and painted to look like the Heisman Trophy in support of Kase Keenum’s run at winning the trophy.

Dear eFriends

I am truly sorry for my absence around these parts of the interwebs.

In case you have forgotten (you can read here), my life has been pretty busy and I just have not had the time or the energy to write anything.

I am still busy at work although it has been getting better for me on a day to day basis. All the hard work I put in over the months of my co-workers maternity leave has been worth it. I am enjoying a very liberal (yes someone else is paying for it) use of all the comp time I earned during that period to take some time off. I basically don’t have to work a Friday till after New Year’s Day. And I am also off all this week as well as few weeks in December.

I have also been busy with my kids and their school, sports, and such. They are doing great and are happy to have me working less time as it means they get me back on a more frequent basis.

So basically I now have the time to write some for you, although I don’t have much time to read much. So if you will forgive me if I can’t get to all of your blogs, but I can provide you with some of sarcasm, wit, and some stuff from heart are all to come. Yes ladies you read that correctly, I said stuff from my heart. Well dammit all the stuff I write is from my heart, but I mean love like from the heart stuff.

I will also write about what some of the things that have gone in my life in the last three to four months as well. Some of it is good and some of it is not, but you will hear about it just the same.

So please forgive me for my absence from writing.

Sincerely,

Oilfield Trash

P.S. I normally post a goofy picture of myself for every 50 followers that I get, but to make up for my absence around here I am giving a nice little picture of myself from when I was arrested for threatening a pack of beer at the grocery store.

Roast The Warlock

I am not sure if you know this or not, but tonight on Comedy Central they are showing the Roast Of Charlie Sheen.

Now most of you know that I am a fan of Charlie Sheen (after all I have written about him here, here, here, here, and here) so you know that I will be watching this.

I am also a fan of the Comedy Central Roast’s as they are normally pretty damn funny. I saw the preview for the Charlie Sheen Roast and it looked good.

I really love the Roast’s that Comedy Central does because they tend be pretty damn funny and truthful all at the same time. I mean look at the one that they did for Pam Anderson where they all made fun of Courtney Love because she was completely shitfaced.

In addition to having everyone make fun of each other, the Roast’s also donate money to charity that is raised through the event. On a side note I wonder what kind of charity Charlie Sheen is donating the money to? Blow for Lindsay? Recycle used stripper poles? Cheap button up shirts for the homeless?

Well whatever charity this cornucopia of insults generates one thing is true, this roast will be pretty damn funny.

And don’t you think it is ironic that this roast is airing at the same exact time on the same exact as the first episode of Two And A Half Men without Charlie in it is airing on CBS? I could tell you which one I will be watching, but chances are you already know which one I will be watching.

I Am Alive. Well Sort Of.

Well I guess you could say I am alive. Or maybe you could say I am “more machine now than man” (kudos if you know where that is from). Or perhaps I am like the Terminator, half human and half machine. Well at least I feel like I have been half living like a zombie due to how tired I am.

I have been gone from here for over a month now due to working my damn ass off 12 or more hours a day. Since I last posted in the beginning of August, I have had a total of THREE days off from work. And those THREE days off I was stuck working from home.

And since I was last here my kids came home from their summer vacation at their grandparents in Georgia, football season has FINALLY started, and my ass is still chapped from that audit that I was in the first week of August.

So I have been extremely busy at work and when I get home I am just too beyond tired to sit down and write. Plus there has been an abundance of soccer and football on tv which explains my absence as well.

I am sorry and I promise to make it up to you by writing some more sarcastic observations that I normally post for you. Of course provided I can find some free time that is.

Although I must say that I am getting caught up at work. My back log of work has disappeared, I have my trainee almost trained, a new person joined my group, and my coworker who is on maternity leave will be back soon. So I will be less stressed out and will go back to working my normal schedule at work (come late and leave early).

I truly appreciate all of the nice emails that all of you sent to me. Well I have appreciated some of them more than others (as you will see below).


Dear Trash, I miss you man.


Dear Trash, I miss you my friend.


Dear Trash, where have you been? I am going through OFT withdrawals.


Dear Trash, please come back. My life is empty without you.


Dear Trash, just checking in with you to see if you are ok. We all miss you.


Dear Trash, hope you haven’t crocked on us.


Dear Trash, miss the oily world view.


Dear Trash, I rub my clit when I read your blog. Please start writing or I will never be able to rub one off again.


Dear Trash, please come back soon I miss your sarcasm.


With lovely fan mail like this, I guess I had better get my ass back to writing again. I wouldn’t want a woman to never masturbate again would I?