Well it is beyond time for another edition of “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you guys some of my wonderful thoughts and attempts at humor which I post on Facebook.
I wonder if there are at least 5 people alive in America who actually get excited about having hamburger helper for dinner.
Olive Garden's commercials say, "When you are here, you are family." Well if I am there and I am family, why the fuck am I having to pay for dinner?
I have a new medical procedure that will replace the invasive Lapband procedures to help people lose weight. My procedure will only cost $99.99 for me to perform for patients and during clinical trials has a 100% success rate. I will handcuff the patient’s hands behind their back and place a ball gag in their mouth. You can’t down a bag of Doritos with your hands behind your back and your mouth closed.
We have a new kitten in the house now thanks to my daughter. This is not what I was wanting when I prayed for some pussy.
On this day I am thankful that fresh boiled crawfish has returned to my area.
Herman Cain just defended his latest sexual harassment allegation by saying, "All I asked her to do was order me a pizza and hold the sausage."
So Halloween last night was a success. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups, bibles, miniature Jack Daniels bottles, Chia Pets, and candy apples. I told each kid to pick one and only one. You should have seen the kids and their parents faces at the choices they made.
A year that ends without the Yankees in the World Series is not such a bad year.
I am pretty sure Amanda Knox won't be eating at Olive Garden anytime soon.
So this morning I had to use my sons Axe body wash since I ran out of my brand. I am still waiting for women to jump through the wall to smell me. Damn false advertising.
How come you never see any homeless people drinking Gatorade?
The other night I watched the movie "The Road" and liked it. But when I feel asleep I dreamed that a group of zombie women were out to get me. The twist in my dream was that these women screwed you before they ate your brains. That's normal right?
Anytime you don't feel special, remember: You could have been a blow job.
Do deaf kids sign with their mouths full while they are eating??
In honor of Halloween, today I came to work dressed up as someone who gives a crap.
Facebook really needs to have a brutally honest day where you can tell someone what you really think. Example: "Look lady you are not single because you can't find a man. You are single because you are a bitch and you have held so much cock in your life that you have been given an honorary degree in Urology from Baylor College of Medicine."
Ladies if you are going to get on a dating site and tell the world you have four kids and you are under the age of 30, you don't need to fill out the "hobbies" section of your profile. It is pretty obvious what your hobby is.
Until next time friends….
I wonder if there are at least 5 people alive in America who actually get excited about having hamburger helper for dinner.
Olive Garden's commercials say, "When you are here, you are family." Well if I am there and I am family, why the fuck am I having to pay for dinner?
I have a new medical procedure that will replace the invasive Lapband procedures to help people lose weight. My procedure will only cost $99.99 for me to perform for patients and during clinical trials has a 100% success rate. I will handcuff the patient’s hands behind their back and place a ball gag in their mouth. You can’t down a bag of Doritos with your hands behind your back and your mouth closed.
We have a new kitten in the house now thanks to my daughter. This is not what I was wanting when I prayed for some pussy.
On this day I am thankful that fresh boiled crawfish has returned to my area.
Herman Cain just defended his latest sexual harassment allegation by saying, "All I asked her to do was order me a pizza and hold the sausage."
So Halloween last night was a success. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups, bibles, miniature Jack Daniels bottles, Chia Pets, and candy apples. I told each kid to pick one and only one. You should have seen the kids and their parents faces at the choices they made.
A year that ends without the Yankees in the World Series is not such a bad year.
I am pretty sure Amanda Knox won't be eating at Olive Garden anytime soon.
So this morning I had to use my sons Axe body wash since I ran out of my brand. I am still waiting for women to jump through the wall to smell me. Damn false advertising.
How come you never see any homeless people drinking Gatorade?
The other night I watched the movie "The Road" and liked it. But when I feel asleep I dreamed that a group of zombie women were out to get me. The twist in my dream was that these women screwed you before they ate your brains. That's normal right?
Anytime you don't feel special, remember: You could have been a blow job.
Do deaf kids sign with their mouths full while they are eating??
In honor of Halloween, today I came to work dressed up as someone who gives a crap.
Facebook really needs to have a brutally honest day where you can tell someone what you really think. Example: "Look lady you are not single because you can't find a man. You are single because you are a bitch and you have held so much cock in your life that you have been given an honorary degree in Urology from Baylor College of Medicine."
Ladies if you are going to get on a dating site and tell the world you have four kids and you are under the age of 30, you don't need to fill out the "hobbies" section of your profile. It is pretty obvious what your hobby is.
Until next time friends….
Interesting thoughts, nice post.
ReplyDeleteYou sir put the jack in ass, excellent stuff but I had to look up Amanda Knox.
ReplyDeleteMaybe they mean the side of the family nobody likes?
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the movie "One Crazy Summer"? They had to pay the grandma for meals. Maybe that's the family Olive Garden was thinking of.
ReplyDeleteYou cracked me up with some of those!
ReplyDelete@ GT, thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Lurker, thanks. I am surprised you had to look her up. I figured in the UK you all would have known about her.
@ Al, that might be a possibility.
@ Ruth, yes I do. And that might be them.
@ Eva, I am glad you laughed.
Thanks for the giggle!
ReplyDeletelmao! i forgot about some of these! hilarious!
ReplyDeleteKitty Kitty!
ReplyDeletesome of these are definitely coffee spillers
ReplyDelete@ Karen, no problem.
ReplyDelete@ Yvonne, you normally see them the first time around lol.
@ Bushman, yep.
@ David, I do try to keep that level of excellence.
I love these and somehow I missed the last one in the midst of the many status updates. *Slaps Wrist* Bad Jewels. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteThose are all funny and some are hilarious!
ReplyDelete@ Jewels, you should really pay attention more to these.
ReplyDelete@ Pat, thank you.
Oh, OT, how I have missed you! LOL--these are completely brilliant.
ReplyDeleteHahaha.
ReplyDeleteI recently deleted my facebook. If I had people like you amongst my friends I might not have.
I miss the grammar trolling but that's about it.