A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, November 29, 2010

On Giving Thanks

I know I am a little late on this subject, but I had other blogs about Thanksgiving which I felt needed to written and posted before I lost the thoughts. I want to give a nice little list of things that I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for my kids. Yes I said my kids. In case you didn’t know I have a set of twins which are a handful, but they constantly keep me on my toes and make me smile all the time. I am not sure I would be the wonderful person I am today if it were not for them.

I am thankful for my job. Given that I work in the oil patch and what happened in the Gulf of Mexico, I am very thankful for my job. A lot of people got laid off this year as a result of the BP accident and subsequent drilling moratorium. And I know I complain a lot about my job because I am basically doing the work of 3-4 full time employees with the pay of 1 person, but I do have a really great job. And with my kids out of school all week I was able to take them to my work and set them up in the conference room with movies, satellite tv, the Playstation 3, and board games and my work was cool with it. So I am very happy to have this job that I have had for 11 years now (as of December 1st).

I am thankful for the fact that I live in the United States. Yes I know I bitch about it a lot, but I am still very happy to live in a great free land.

I am thankful for sports. Yes sports. While other countries have sports, no other country has the cornucopia of sports which we have. I love playing them and I love watching them.

I am thankful for you the readers of my blog. I never thought that my little blog of smart ass filled sarcasm would take off so well. And I never thought I would have people actually read it and enjoy it. When I get to 50 followers I will post a nice picture of myself.

Since I have become fond of reading blogs, I am thankful for blogger. I follow some pretty funny blogs written by people who sometimes share my sick and twisted sense of humor.

I am thankful for the following blogs which you can find here and here (all men should be following them, well all straight men that is). Yes I know what you are saying, Mr. Trash you are a pervert. Yes I know this fact. I like women. A LOT. And those 2 blogs allow me to feast gaze upon the beauty of their tits and ass, so get over it.

I am thankful for books. I love to read and I have a ton of books that are still on my book shelf that I am waiting to read.

I am thankful for my friends, both real life ones and also my eFriends as you all are a great source of fun for me. And also material for my future stand comedian act once I get up the nerve to get over my stage fright.

I am thankful that it is now crawfish season here in Houston. Yes my friends it is time for me to consume 5-10 pounds of them per weekend on those delicious boiled bottom feeders.

And lastly I am also thankful for the pulled muscles in my back that I suffered on Sunday whilst getting all of my Christmas shit out of storage, bringing it to the house, and re-arranging/cleaning my living room. Why would I be thankful for this you ask? Well because it means I am indeed still alive. I do find it mildly fucking ironic that in my last post I made fun of old people for applying Ben Gay to them at the movie theater, while now I am in desperate need of it since I didn’t sleep a wink last night due to my back hurting. Yes that was the Ben Gay Karma Bitch who slapped me around yesterday.

Well I think that is enough for now as if I keep writing things I am thankful for right now, this will turn into a novel. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving Day and long weekend.

Friday, November 26, 2010

My Thanksgiving Adventure

So this year we didn’t do the traditional Thanksgiving lunch/dinner on Thursday as my ex (yes we do combined holidays since we are friendly like that) had to work, so we all decided to cook the dinner on Friday night. As I have had to travel a lot in years past on Thanksgiving, this was not a big deal for us as we are not picky folk.

Since we weren’t cooking on Thursday my kids decided that we would go and see the new Harry Potter movie. We all got up early and left for the movies because I was thinking that it would not be crowded at 11am due to all the people eating, and I was correct. We got the tickets and the largest popcorn containers we could, and covered them with lots of artery clogging butter. We walked the short distance to the theater which had the 11am showing.

I opened the door and was knocked the fuck down with the smell of Ben Gay. Literally. We walked up the aisle and had trouble finding seats as it was a tiny theater and it was crowded. We finally found 3 seats on an aisle about ¾ of the way up. We sat down and I discovered the source of the Ben Gay. There was a really old couple who was each applying Ben Gay to their necks and shoulders. I thought about moving to another bunch of seats, but the only ones left were down are the front and I didn’t feel like having to look straight up so we stayed put. The smell was so strong I took my gallon-o-heart-attack-popcorn and stuck it up to my nose hoping to drown out the smell of the Ben Gay, but it didn’t work. All I could smell for the next 2.5 hours was Ben Gay. And the old couple re-applied it every 15 minutes. It is a good thing they did that too because it was the silver lining since I had to perform an autopsy after the movie on a body that had just been fished out of Galveston Bay. Well we struggled through the movie and we ended up enjoying it despite the old ass couple in front of us.

Me and the kids came home and cleaned house, did laundry, and then had a Harry Potter DVD marathon for the rest of Thursday. Oh and we also watched the University of Texas versus Texas AM football game as well.

Friday rolls around and I was a complete lazy fool. I sat around and watched college football all day. And I mean all day from 11am until the last game ended at 1am. My ex was nice enough to take the kids around 1pm to go shopping and let them use all of their birthday money and gift cards on the black Friday deals. They then came back and cooked a hella good meal which included a huge fucking ham that was so good even a Muslim would love it. And they also made stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, pink salad, and pumpkin pie. Needless to say I have 3 helpings of each one. After peeling myself off of the floor 3 hours later, I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes, but I left all of the leftovers on the stove.

My brother then came into the kitchen and was making some instant coffee while standing in front of the stove. He put a small teapot on the stove to heat the water but he turned the wrong burner on and had turned the burner on where there was a glass casserole pan on it. When he noticed a few minutes later that he had turned the wrong burner on and went to turn it off and move the pan, it exploded right in his face. Now when I say exploded, I mean it FUCKING EXPLODED. Glass was everywhere. I went and grabbed the broom and began sweeping it all up which actually was pretty quick. But then my brother chimed in with “all of the leftovers will have to be thrown away as they are all full of glass and glass shards.” I was instantly gutted as nothing makes me happier than college football on a Saturday with Thanksgiving leftovers. I mean what are the fucking odds of having a glass casserole dish explode all over your damn Thanksgiving dinner? Well I don’t know, but I am pretty sure if I would have placed a bet on it in Vegas, I would be able to retire with the winnings and 200 years of my decedents would never have to work.

But all was not lost as I got to spend the holidays with my brother, my kids, and my ex and we all got along and did not kill each other. We even got our first cold front of the year on Thursday night and the low got down into the 30’s. On Friday we had to lite the fireplace for the first time since last winter as the temp was around 30.So actually it was a great Thanksgiving come to think about it.

So the lessons learned for this Thanksgiving are this: There should be a fucking law that old ass people can’t lather themselves up with Ben Gay and go in public, and that you should never put a glass casserole dish on the stove on a burner which is on.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The History Of Thanksgiving

Since Thanksgiving is here in the United States, I would like to take a minute to tell you about the real reason for Thanksgiving. No not the reasons that the media, history, and popular culture like to tell you about, but the true reason why Thanksgiving was started.

Hundreds of years ago people set out to leave the United Kingdom in search of a new place to live. Now the media and historians will tell you that they left the United Kingdom and came to North America to flee religious persecution. They will also tell you that these people also left to fulfill the human spirit to see the world and to explore. Those two reasons are just a politically correct attempt to not offend our distant British cousins.

The real reason that our forefathers left the United Kingdom was due to culinary persecution. Yes I said it; they left because the food in the United Kingdom sucked. The four main dishes that they had there was bread, fish, mutton, and potatoes. Now I know for a fact that there are only so many meals that you can make with those four things, and something tells me that fish au gratin was not a very tasty meal. Regardless of how many ways Bubba Gump says you can make a shrimp dish, you would get sick of the same thing all the time. And that is exactly what happened here.

A group of Pilgrims (ie smart fucking people) saved up all the money and charted a boat to get the fuck out of the United Kingdom set off in search of some new culinary creations. The traveled across the Atlantic Ocean using a primitive form of TomTom and after many weeks came to what is today known as Plymouth, Massachusetts.

When the Pilgrims first arrived they found a new beautiful land full of promise. The Pilgrims then came across the Native Americans and quickly learned how to communicate with them. The Pilgrims indicated to the Native Americans that they were on a grand quest for a new type of food. As the Native Americans were a nice people, they showed the Pilgrims corn, wheat, broccoli, and other fresh vegetables which the Pilgrims had never seen before. Then the Native Americans showed the Pilgrims their prized source of food, and that was the turkey.

The Pilgrims tried some of the turkey that they had been newly introduced to, and were instantly in love with it. It tasted like nothing that they had ever had in the United Kingdom. The Pilgrims were so happy with the new food that they proposed to the Native Americans that they should collectively have a large dinner celebration to commemorate the land that they had come to with the new source of food. They collectively hunted for the turkeys and gathered the vegetables and had a feast.

The feast consisted of smoked turkey, turkey legs, a crude stuffing, turkey bacon, corn, beer (brought over from the United Kingdom), and turkey jerky. The Native Americans and the Pilgrims ate for hours and hours. Then they all took a long nap. The Pilgrims were so thankful that they had found a new type of food to eat that was not mutton or fish. And to thank the Native Americans, the Pilgrims taught them how to build and operate casinos, and also how to make beer.

So on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I urge each and every one of you to be mindful of the real reason why we celebrate this holiday. And that is the flight from culinary persecution that our fore fathers took almost 400 years ago. So be thankful that we have the turkey and we are not eating fish-n-chips with mashed peas on this day and every other day.

And yes this is sarcasm in case you could not tell.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Zoo Porn

I have noticed a lot of people on here recently have been b logging about monkeys lately. Some have been talking about male monkeys raping other male monkeys to show off their dominance to the group of monkeys. I have also seen people writing about monkeys masturbating at the zoo for the entire world to see. Some other bloggers have been talking about how they want some hot monkey love. Now I don’t know if the latter means that they want a monkey to fuck them or if they want a man to fuck them like a monkey, I am not sure which one it is.

But I would like to say that not all Zoos are filled with animal kingdom fornication behind every glass wall. The Houston Zoo has instituted a series of control measures (read beatings) that keep the animals fuck time limited to after visitors have left the zoo in the evening. Which these control measures saves you from having to explain to your children that the two elephants are really playing around and wrestling at the zoo all the time. Yes kids the elephants really do foam at the mouth while they are wrestling.

While the Houston Zoo does not allow its animals to openly fornicate for all to see, I would like to talk to you about the greatest animal that they have in their collection. This animal is probably the greatest animal known to mankind, well at least men kind. This animal is the forefather for its better known land cousin. I am not sure if the marine version shares the same taste and smell of the land variety, but it does share the same general likeness.

I first saw this beast a few years ago while I took a trip with my kids and some of my friends to the Houston Zoo. And within minutes of my entourage’s entrance into the zoo, we turned right to go into the aquarium. It was there that I laid my eyes onto this beautiful creature’s sight. In the second glass tank from the entrance, was the Vagina Fish.

I could not believe my eyes. Here in this tank was nature’s first vagina. It was this fish that somewhere in the evolutionary past merged DNA with that of a humanoid and brought the vagina to the human woman. I blurted out, “holy fuck Batman, it is the Vagina Fish.” My friends and I all had a good chuckle and spent at least half an hour gazing at it and all its glory.

I wonder though if the aquatic version tries to control the world it lives in. I wonder if this animal makes the aquatic world go round like the land version does. I guess this maybe where the term “smells like fish” came from huh?

Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA For Kids

Warning there is SARCASM ahead and this is not to be taken seriously.

As you have all heard the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) has come out with the new enhanced body scanners (look at your junk machines) and full body pat downs (Gestapo style molestations) in the airports across America.

So to prepare people who are parents with young children, the TSA has come up with some ways that you can introduce your children to the process of being molested searched at the airport.

You can purchase one of these low cost play sets (pictured here) and allow your children to play with them. These play sets will teach children of all ages what to expect when they get to the airport. Follow up your children by talking to them and telling them that they will go through a metal detector (featured in play set) and also a machine that is cool and like an x-ray machine and will take a picture of them. Also tell them that a security officer may have to come and feel on their privates (bendy hose for little boys and too-toos for little girls) to make sure that they don’t have any guns, barbies, knives, plastic army men, heroin, milk in a bottle, hamsters, or other weapons, banned items or toys on them. Also explain to them that the same security agent may have to stick a finger in their asshole (tell them it is just like having their temperature checked) to also check for weapons of ass mass destruction. Hell while you are at it, it might be a good time to explain to your 3 year old the birds and the bees (you can kill 2 birds with 1 stone) at the same time.

If you feel uncomfortable with having that talk directly with your children, you can purchase this fine book at the same time that you purchase the play set. The book covers all aspects of the new security measures that will be encountered by your child at the airport. I mean at the end of the day the government already wants to tell you how to raise your kid anyways, why not go all out and tell your kids how to enjoy their first body cavity search. I would suggest starting to read the book to your child at bedtime at least 2 weeks before your anticipated travel date. And if you child can already read on their own, give the book to your child at least 3 weeks before the travel date so that they have plenty of time for comprehension.

To calm any fears your child might have, just remind your child that you will be there right by their side getting molested patted down and anally probed as well.

I hope you can see the craziness in what the TSA is doing to kids by feeling them up at the airport and are as outraged as I am by it.

Meanwhile in Hell, Michael Jackson is furious that his dream job has been created after his death.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

More Of My Favorite Movies

Last time I listed my ten favorite movies, but I felt that I could not fit all of my favorite movies in just ten movies. So here is some more of my favorite movies in no particular order.

Better Off Dead – This movie from the 80’s has way too many one liners to list here as the movie is that damn good. The funniest of which is probably, “Gee Ricky I am sorry your mom blew up.” If you have not seen this movie before, you should check it out. It is HILARIOUS.

Moving Violations – This is another movie from the 80’s which is funny. The best line in the whole movie was the little old lady sitting in the men’s room on a urinal and saying, “Why is my back all wet?” Another classic movie which you should see.

The Empire Strikes Back – This was the first movie I ever saw on opening day and I was like maybe 6 or 7. I walked out of the theater and was stunned for weeks as it was revealed that Darth Vader was Luke’s dad. How could the evil bastard be the hero’s dad?

The Usual Suspects – This is a great suspenseful crime movie. The whole movie you are trying to figure out who the hell Keyser Sozie is and at the end you feel dumb when you figure it out.

The Princess Bride – Oh my I love this movie. So many good scenes in this one to write about, but I would say the scene with the hero and the fool exchanging the poisonous drink is my favorite. This is a great movie to see with kids.

Old School – Another great classic movie, although the second half of the movie is not as good as the first half, but it is still worthy of mentioning here. The best scene is the cussing in front of the kid scene in the kitchen.

Back To School – This was Rodney Dangerfield’s best movie he was ever in. The jokes in this movie are some of the best I have seen in movies. The scene with Sam Kinison is the best ever. SAY IT, SAY IT.

Alive – A true story of plane crash survivors in the Andes Mountains. I wrote a whole blog about this movie, if you have not seen it I highly suggest the movie as it will change your outlook on life.

The Trailer Park Boys – This movie is based upon the popular tv show from Canada by the same name. If you ever feel down and out about where you are in life, watch this movie and you will suddenly feel better about anything wrong with your life. Although I have to admit after seeing it I want to drink a mixed drink out of the bottom of a 2-liter bottle.

Groundhog Day - This movie is the best movie that Bill Murray has ever done. It is not only a comedy but has a deeper "be a better person" meaning behind it. This is one of the movies that I like to watch over and over with my kids. And my kids love the movie as well and can randomly quote lines from it.

Well I hope you enjoyed this little list, now go and get these movies from the Redbox or Netflix and watch them. Let me know how you liked them.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Your My Boy Blue

A couple of weeks ago it was reported in the media that actor Charlie Sheen had been all high on cocaine banging some skinny porn star and had caused $7000 worth of damage to a hotel room. And since no crime was committed, he was not charged with anything. He paid for the damages and that was it. Or it should have been it.

But the nice little biased media decided to constantly report about it and try to make him into some kind of bad guy. The coverage on the news here was almost nonstop and he wasn’t even in a white Bronco running from the cops. They made him sound like he was an out of control guy who had no grip on reality and I am getting a little tired of hearing about it.

Now keep in mind Charlie Sheen is the star of “Two and a Half Men” on CBS, which is one of America’s most watched tv shows. On the tv show he plays a smart ass guy who drinks, cusses, is a jackass, and gets lots of poon. Basically for all practical purposes he plays a guy who is my idol.

And then outside of work he goes and drinks, snorts, cocaine, and shags a bunch of women and the media says he is a bad guy. So let me get this straight, he plays a drunken manwhore and you act all shocked and shit when he does the same thing in real life. Give me a damn break.

I worship the guy now because basically he gets paid $1.25 million an episode (one of the highest paid tv actors by the way) to just be himself on tv. That’s right he has the dream job, he gets to show up to work and just be himself like he is at home. That has to be the easiest acting job an actor has ever had, he doesn’t even have to act. I wish I could have that job.

Now I know he has been accused of beating women, and that is part of him I don’t like and don’t condone. I am referring to the drunken benders with hot women that I am speaking of.

Now stop acting so shocked when he goes out on a bender with some hot chick and destroys a hotel room fucking her stupid against a wall. You are paying him to act like that on tv, so don’t be so damn shocked when he goes out and does it at the Holiday Inn, leave my idol alone.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Great Inventions #2

Here are some more great inventions that I think have brought happiness to the world since I have been born.


I think that GPS or the Tom-Tom or whatever you want to call it, has helped a lot of clueless people out. No not me as I was born with GPS, but other poor hapless souls who are piss poor with directions. Think about it, you can have a little box on your dashboard which you can easily see and it also tells your dumb ass you when to turn left. Or right. I mean it is just as good for going on long trips or going somewhere locally that you have never gone before. I think though with all of the time that these handy little things have saved women people by not being lost, why is dinner still always done late?

The Internet.

Even though I hate to give credit to Al Gore, I would have to say that this is the greatest invention of all time. Just look at the wealth of information out there on the internet, not to mention the stuff you can do from home. You can change your address, renew your driver’s license (and not have to wait in line behind 30 unclean nasty people and deal with the angry government worker), read the news, shop, cyber stalk, research for papers, etc. So many things that you used to have to actually leave your house to do. You can read news from far far away, follow up on your favorite sports team, and keep in touch with friends and family. I could write a thousand things about how great the internet is.

Digital Cameras.

As an avid photographer my whole life, I think that the digital camera has affected me the most as a technology. I love taking pictures everywhere I go of vacations, friends, my kids and their adventures, scenery and pretty much anything and everything. I used to spend a ton of money on getting film developed, and now I spend very little money on printing off pictures. Yes I understand that the film industry has lost a lot of money with the invention of digital camera and essentially gone out of business, but it was worth it to me. You can even take naughty pictures now and not have to worry about getting them developed anymore. Hell that was the whole reason for the creation of the Polaroid. Plus with digital pictures combined with the internet it can make sharing pictures with family and friends so easy. Can anyone tell me the last time they actually used snail mail to send a picture to someone? Such a great invention the digital camera was.

Well I think that should be enough to keep your mouth watering for a while. Keep an eye out for another post in my series of great inventions.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Pussification Of Football

I would like to take a moment to tell you about something that is near and dear to my heart, and that is football. This season there has been a lot of whoey being made about tough hits in football and how the NFL is cracking down on them. I think the hits on the field are being over sensitized, over analyzed, and over dramatized.

Now I am not talking about the helmet to helmet hits as they are bad and cause concussions, I am talking about the everyday hits that are happening. I saw a call on Sunday during the Colts-Eagles game that was thrown for a hit on a “defenseless receiver” even though it was a legal hit and the receiver had caught the ball and ran two yards and was anything but defenseless. The receiver got hammered by three Eagles defenders and left the game on a stretcher. Yes I feel sorry for the guy who got hurt, but at the end of the day football is a contact sport. And everyone who puts on the helmet and the pads is aware of the risk. And if you are not aware of the risk, you don’t need to be on the field to begin with.

I was born in the 1970’s and began watching football back then when men were men, and there was hitting in football. There were no rules for hitting a defenseless receiver or a hit on a quarterback. The game was played and it was good because there was hard hitting. Remember the Steel Curtain defense? Hell most of the defenders from the 70’s are in the Hall Of Fame and they didn’t get there by not hitting people.

Fast forward to today and there are all kinds of rules on when you can and when you can’t hit someone. Hell now they even have a rule for offensive players hitting defenseless defenders. As a result of Hines Ward from the Steelers going out and actually blocking and hitting defenders (which no other receivers in the NFL today block like he does) the NFL made a rule about hitting defenders who are too stupid to watch out for a blocker about to hit them. So let me get this straight, you can’t hit a person who is dishing out hits all the time? Now this season they want to stop the hard hits period and I have had enough.

You can get hurt playing any sport that is out there to be played. You can break bones or blow out your knees in a basketball game. You can destroy your legs in a soccer game. In diving you can hit your head on the diving board and drown. In bowling you can blow out your shoulder. In hockey you can lose teeth and mess up your whole body. In baseball you can get beamed with a pitch or a line drive. In MMA or boxing you can get your bell rung and just beat the fuck up. Even in curling you can fall down and bust your noggin all up. Hell even in flag football you can get hurt. In every single sport there is a risk of getting hurt. EVERY. SINGLE. SPORT. Everyone who plays sports knows there is a risk (well except the Special Olympics) to get hurt and the participants all know the risks.

I mean taking the hitting out of football would be like apple pie with no apples. It would be like a pizza with only the crust. Imagine Christmas with no gifts, Thanksgiving with no turkey or ham, or a blow job with no happy ending. What is next, fighting a war with no bullets and only using paintballs? It just does not make sense, hitting is a part of the damn sport. Deal with it.

I guess what I am saying is that football is a contact sport and the hitting needs to stay. It is as much a part of the sport as the football itself is. Don’t mess with my game. Leave it alone. I enjoy watching a game with some hard hitting on both sides of the ball. If you take out the hitting from football, you will have countless numbers of fans suffer from severe depression and suicide. And this will cause more carnage in the long run than that of any injuries suffered on the field. So please keep this hitting in football.

If I wanted to watch a game of football without any hitting, I would watch some of the picture below. Well I may watch the below any ways but not for the hard knocks, but more for the hard knockers.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I Won The Election

Last week on a blog that I follow (which the post can be seen here) there was a giveaway contest which I will here forth refer to as The 2010 Election. There were no rules for this Election process, all you had to do was to leave a comment on this blog stating why you should win. And the winner was given a choice of one of three DVD sets (the entire Sopranos collection, True Blood season one, and Entourage season four).

So after reading the non-rules list I decided to base my campaign for contest winner on a funny yet very truthful comment. I ran on the “I should win because I can’t honestly remember the last time I had a bj” platform, which in the blog world is a huge comment to admit to. So after posting my truthful comment about why I should win this Election, many people chimed in to vote for me. I had more women vote for me to be elected than men did, which is funny considering some of my opponents false claims that I am a misogynist.

Well after a week of early voting, it was announced last night that I had won the Election. So I made my choice of picking the entire series of The Sopranos. I figured you can’t go wrong with a show that has a character named “Big Pussy”. Since I have been elected on the “Not Enough BJ’s” platform, I promise to try and find a BJ and I also pledge to watch at least one season per month.

In addition to being elected, I was also given the “Ass Kickin’ Beer Drinkin' Blog Award" by Simple Dude In A Complex World. And since the blog award comes with no rules, well I don’t have to do anything. But I will say THANK YOU! And I encourage you to go and read his blog, as his sense of humor and his sarcasm are far superior to mine.

And it is no mistake that I posted this on Election day, so I urge you if you have not gone out and voted yet, please get off your butt and do so.