Politically Speaking

One of the things which pisses me off is the way that politicians talk. They have a habit of saying something and then stopping short of completing the sentence as a way of making their little lie seem like the truth.

A simple example of this would be if a man were to tell a ugly woman “you are very attractive”. But what he really means is “you are very attractive on the inside and I would need a case of beer in me before I would fuck you”. See how leaving out the rest of the thought and the end of the sentence works?

Here is a fine little gem of an example that President Obama uses regularly or rather damn near every day during the 2009-2010 health care debacle. He often uses this one when he is talking to people in front of his teleprompter and says, “The Republicans are the party of NO”. This makes me cringe when I hear it. I want to scream at the tv and yell, “finish the fucking sentence”. What he should be saying is “The Republicans are the party of No, as in No they are not going to go against the will of the American people”. Or say “The Republicans are the party of NO; as in NO we don’t need the Republicans input on anything because we control Congress”. See how the way he says it that makes you angry? It is like he is telling a lie and if he would have completed the sentence it would make more sense and be truthful at the same time.

Now don’t think my criticism on this is limited to a Democrat. George Bush had one of these incomplete sentences that would make me want to kick a midget every time I heard it. Do you remember when he would be talking about illegal immigrants? He used to always say that “these people are doing the jobs that Americans don’t want to do”. My blood boils just typing that. No Mr. Bush that is a lie and an incomplete sentence you damn well know it. What you should have said is “these people are doing the jobs that Americans don’t want to do for less than minimum wage”. You see how when the sentence is finished it suddenly and magically becomes truthful?

Lastly here is one that President Obama has been using every day in the last few weeks while out trying to get people to vote for Democrats in the 2010 mid-term elections. When describing the state of the economy he likes to use an analogy by saying that the economy was a car being driven by Republicans. He says, “The Republicans were driving the car and they drove it right into the ditch”. Which if you are a Democrat zombie this sounds good to you, blame Bush after all it is his fault right? What President Obama should have said was “The Republicans were driving the car but the Democrats, they were the whore in the blue dress in the passenger seat blowing the Republican while they were driving which helped cause the car to drive into the ditch”. Because we as Americans are smart people and we know that you are lying. Do you see how that makes much more sense? It was not one party alone that caused the economy to crash, it was both parties. But you will never ever hear that come out of his mouth.

So you see how speaking in complete sentences can bring out the truth and how not completing a sentence can make you lie? The world revolves around grammar and how you use it. I wish people today would speak the damn truth. But then again it is a pipe dream of mine because politicians lie every time their lips are moving regardless of whether they finish the sentence or not.

Meal Mondays – Jalapenos

Well I said from time to time I would write about different things and recipes, so here goes my first recipe in a series I will call “Meal Mondays”. And this one is a little gem called “Bacon wrapped, cream cheese filled jalapenos.”

Now I did not invent this meal, but I did perfect it (well at least in my mind I did). This jalapeno filled greatness is best served as an appetizer when you are grilling some bbq, steaks, or fajitas. And you can either put them on the grill or bake them in the oven.

Ingredient List:

The ingredients to this meal are simple and limited to four items, and should serve 4-6 people. Unless you are a greedy bastard like I am, then your friends/family/guests will not have as many. You will see what I am talking about when you get them finished and are eating them.

1) 20 of the largest jalapenos you can find at the store.
2) 1 jar of tooth picks.
3) 1 package of bacon.
4) 1 container of spreadable Philadelphia Cream Cheese.


Preparation:

The preparation for the peppers is very lengthy and tedious I will say, but it is SO WORTH it when you are eating them.

1) Take the jalapenos and slice off the tail end of each one.
2) Slice the jalapenos length wise down the middle of the pepper.
3) Take each jalapeno and take out all of the guts and seeds. You can use a small knife for this step but it is really easier if you have a little melon baller to use.
4) Rinse all of the peppers off in the sink to make sure you get all of the seeds out. And set them in a colander to dry. At this point if you bought 20 peppers, you should have 40 halves to eat.
5) Take the cream cheese and with a butter knife slowly spread the cream cheese into each half of the jalapenos and set them aside on a baking sheet.
6) Take the package of bacon and open it and slice the bacon (all at once) in half.
7) Then take a slice of the back and wrap it around a jalapeno and put a tooth pick through the bacon into the pepper until it comes out the other side of the bacon. Repeat this step until you have done all of the jalapenos.
8) Either bake the peppers in the oven at 350 for 20-30 minutes until the bacon is crispy (this is due to the different thicknesses of bacon). Or put them on the gas or charcoal grill for 30-40 minutes.

Now that you have cooked them I would let them cool for around 5-10 minutes. Then prepare yourself for the oral orgasm you are about to have.

You get a crispy bite at the beginning followed by hotness from the pepper chased up with a cool sensation from the cream cheese. Your guests will thank you for the delicious meal you cooked for them.

I would recommend using the oven to cook them as it has less flare ups from the fire and is usually quicker, but you can do it however you want.

Also a warning to the person who prepares this meal, don’t go to the bathroom and touch yourself as it will burn like a motherfucker. I would also recommend no sex that night either, well at least no sex that involves fingering or getting fingered if you are a lady. Also don’t rub your eyes for a few days either.

Let me know how this turns out for you.

This is what they look like before cooking them.

CSI: North Pole

The following took place a few years ago, but I thought I would still share the story with you as it is still funny to this day.

I laughed so hard over this conversation that I was in tears. One evening I was sitting on my porch and my daughter came outside with me and was talking to me. Out of now where she asked me where Santa lived. So I replied back, “Well he lives at the North Pole,” and she had this puzzled look on her face like she did not believe me. She then said, “Are you sure?” So I told her, “head up to the North Pole and see for yourself.” So I asked her with whom she had been talking to that had her questioning Santa, and she said some of her friends from school had told her that Santa was not real. And that moms and dads put all of the presents out under the tree when kids go to sleep on Christmas Eve. So I told her, “Well dear you cannot believe everything that all of your friends tell you, because that is simply not true. Santa is very real.” She then said, “thank you dad I appreciate you being honest with me.” So then lastly she said (and this is the part that made me smile), “I knew Santa was real because the hand writing on the letter that Santa leaves us every year thanking us for being good throughout the year, does not match yours, my moms, or Uncle Doug’s handwriting. And the bite marks on the cookies that Santa cannot finish eating do not match yours, my moms, or Uncle Doug’s bite marks on cookies as the bites are too small.” After she said that I went back inside and promptly to my room and closed the door to laugh my ass off in privacy.

How many kids look at Santa and look for forensic evidence of whether or not he is real?

Boy she is going to kick my ass when she gets older and finds out that Santa is not real.

Worldly Wednesdays – Canada

One of the perks of working in the oil patch is that occasionally I am required to travel all over the world for work. The best part about this is that I get to travel on someone else’s nickel and sight see at the same time. So I have decided to share occasional stories about where I have been able to travel to and post some pictures from these wonderful places.

Back in November of 2007, I had the privilege of being sent to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada for two weeks. Even though I was sad that I was going to miss out on the Thanksgiving Holiday with my kids, I accepted the chance to go to Canada as I have always wanted to visit there.

When I arrived there it was cold. No scratch that, it was FUCKING COLD. It was somewhere around 20 below during the day and 30 below at night. Having grown up in Pittsburgh, I was used to cold. But this shit was so could my penis retracted inside of my body like how a turtles head goes back into his shell.

This is what they show on Canadian TV!

So with a normal schedule of working 8-5 and a company paid rental car I was able to do some exploring of the town. I got out to see the world’s largest shopping mall which has an indoor hockey rink, an indoor water park, a casino, a shooting range (yes they are rednecks like Texans), and here is the kicker - an indoor amusement park with a roller coaster. Although I was a tad bit disappointed in the clothing stores as they had no sizes in men’s clothing above a large. Needless to say I was considered a fat bastard there.
 

The view from the front of my office.

I got to go to many bars and pubs and get completely shit faced. I mean when in Canada does as Canadians do Eh? One of my favorite places to go was a restaurant called Boston Pizza. They had tv’s with games on, cold beer (ah fuck everything is cold in Canada), and some of the best pizza I have ever had.

And since I was in Canada and it was hockey season, I sure as fuck had to take in a NHL game while there. I got lucky enough to snag some free tickets from the office and was able to go see the Edmonton Oilers play the Vancouver Canucks in the house that Gretsky built. Edmonton won a close game that ended up tied in overtime and went to a shootout. It was a great game to see as I had not seen a NHL game since I was a kid back in Pittsburgh.

One of the faceoffs from the game.

My first weekend there I was off so I was able to take a bus and go down and visit one of my friends Teresa in Calgary who I used to work with back in Houston. Her and her boyfriend (now husband) picked me up downtown. We ended up driving out to the Rocky Mountains to a place called Canmore. Canmore is a beautiful little ski resort town nestled in the Canadian Rocky Mountains not too far from Banff. It was breath taking there. I did not want to leave. The mountains, the clean air, needless to say I was in heaven.

Me in the Canadian Rocky Mountains.

After having a nice dinner there, we drove back to my friend’s house an hour away in Calgary. We chit chatted for a while and then headed to a Calgary Hitman minor league hockey game at the same arena where the Calgary Flames play. It was a fun time. After the game we headed back to my friends house for pizza, scotch, beer, and good conversation.

The next day I headed back to Edmonton on the bus. And I was very glad I took a bus down to Calgary and had not rented a car as we drove back to Edmonton in a damn blizzard.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful and I just relaxed and stayed warm. I ended up that last week in the hotel bar every night eating dinner and watching sports nightly as it was too damn cold to venture outside.

The view from my hotel balcony.

I would have to say that the best thing I liked about being there was the breakfast buffet in the hotel. They had all you can eat pancakes, bacon, sausage, hash browns, eggs, you name it and they had it to eat. It is amazing though how much more you eat when in cold weather climates to stay warm.

Well I would not say that the free food was the best, the best thing that I loved the most about it up there was the CLEAN air, the snow, and the cold weather. Yes I did enjoy the cold weather as when I got back to Houston, the temperature outside was in the high 80’s. But it was cold up north and as much as I bitched about it, I loved. I went to Canada with a carton of smokes and came home with exactly 5 packs. You bet your ass it is cold when you are drunk every night (as those of you who don’t know, you smoke more when you drink) and you come home with half a carton of smokes.

If you ever get a chance to visit Alberta, I would HIGHLY recommend that you go to the Canadian Rocky Mountains. That was the highlight of my trip. 

Next time I will talk about a warmer place I have been lucky to visit.

Sammich Energy

I have for years been trying to think about a way to come up with a solution to the world’s energy problems and future demands for energy. We do need a new source of energy as oil and gas will not last forever, and solar and wind only work as long as the sun is out and the wind is a blowing.

So after many years of thinking about the problem, I got some inspiration from a children’s movie that I love and recently watched again for the 100th time.

The movie “Monsters Inc” had the right idea but the wrong people. Initially they went after kids and scared them and captured their screams as a way to get cheap, clean, green energy. Then they realized that there was more power to be made from kid’s laughter, so they then started telling jokes to the kids to capture their laughs as way to generate power.

And this was a good idea, but I would like to take their idea a step further since there is a more powerful source of energy than the screams and laughs of children.

I want to bottle and store the anger of women. Think Monsters Inc but for with women instead of children. As we all know the anger of a woman is a powerful thing. If you don’t believe me ask any divorce attorney.

Can you imagine the amount of energy released by telling a woman she looks fat in them jeans? Or try telling a woman that her dinner tastes like shit. The amount of energy that could be produced by saying either of those two things to just ONE WOMAN could power a city the size of Houston for a month. Then take that one woman and multiply that by one billion. Everyone on the planet would have electricity cheaply and efficiently just by pissing your woman off once per month. I mean you are going to piss her off once a month anyways, at least this way you would be saving the planet at the same time.

I already know how to piss them off, now if I could just figure out how to collect, store, and harness the power of a woman scorned.

Yep you guessed it, I could be rich if I ever figure this shit out.

Thoughts Of A Jackass

Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night, or driving to and from work, sitting bored out of my mind at work I think about things and sometimes I keep them in my head, sometimes I post them on Facebook, and sometimes I forget them. But here is the first in a series of my random thoughts and sometimes shared jokes.


I heard on the radio that Reggie Bush is not worried about losing his Heisman trophy as he has already lost another good trophy in Kim Kardashian.

Every time the Dallas Cowboys score, God kills a kitten.

When was the last time you saw an American threaten a Muslim for going on tv and burning a Chinese made American flag?

If white men can't jump, does that mean that half white men can?

This generation needs a good cop/dirty cop series like Dirty Harry.

If organic produce is sans pesticides and au natural, shouldn't it cost less than regular produce since you don't do anything to it?

Every Labor Day weekend I always tell myself that I am going to go to the Pregnant Bikini contest hosted by The Buzz, and every year I always seem to pull out from going.

I find it mildly funny and ironic that Roger Clemens is being charged with lying in/to Congress. I mean if it is a crime to lie in/to Congress, shouldn't the 535 members of Congress be brought up on charges as well since they lie every time they open their mouths?

"U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

I wonder when they start naming schools after Bill Clinton, if they will make it a requirement that there is a strip club and cigar bar across the street from the school?

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

A friend of mine just started his own business making land mines that look like prayer rugs. It's doing pretty well, Prophets are going through the roof.

7 out of 10 women think I am an asshole, and 8 out of 10 women are bat shit crazy. You do the math.

It either smells like rain outside or Canadian beer, I am not sure which.

Philo Beddoe should run for president.

Here is a calendar you will never get for Christmas; Hot Women Truck Drivers.

I find it funny that Liberals will condemn Christians for their views on abortion and gay rights, but they will support Islam which kills gays, beats women, and stones people to death.

Hurricane Ike Turner

So this week marks the two year anniversary of Hurricane Ike hitting the Houston area, so I thought I would write about it. How many of you even were affected by it? Well I was so here we go….

All week I had watched the weather and followed Ike and it was supposed to hit the Texas and Louisiana border, but it ended up hitting Houston. It was Thursday and I had left work as we had been dismissed due to the storm and I went home to follow the storm. I had decided that I would wake up on Friday morning and see where the storm was going and then make a decision as to whether to evacuate or not. So Friday morning came and Galveston Island was already flooded out by 10 am and my favorite fishing pier had already been destroyed. So I decided that when they said the eye of the storm would come over my ghetto apartment, that I would take the kids and leave town. Even though I had told Ike that Tina was not at my house, he still came looking to beat the bitch.

This was Galveston Island 16 hours from landfall.

So I got on the net and there were no hotels west of Houston available anywhere in Texas. Or in New Mexico further west of Texas. I tried Oklahoma and there were no hotels available there either. Shit was all of Texas was leaving. So I saw Nola mayor Ray Naggin on TV saying Nola had tons of hotels so I decided that we were going to take a Big Easy Hurricane Ike vacation. I packed up myself, my babes, my brother, my pets, and my ex (yes I am not even that cruel to let the bitch drown) and headed east to Nola. We left at 2 pm with the storm lest than 10 hours from landfall. And let me tell you that we drove all the way to Nola in the feeder bands and dodging tornados. When we were on the lake on I-10 right before Nola, the waves from the lake were crashing on the bridge.

We got there and promptly unloaded the cars and headed down to Bourbon Street. Yes I took my kids down Bourbon Street on a Friday evening at 5pm. As I had not been there since I was a kid, I had to take a look at the famed party street. So on block one is Larry Flynt’s strip club. And they had a balcony with 2 strippers on top throwing beads to everyone, so my kids run out in the street and get beads thrown to them by strippers. All I could do was laugh with my brother while my ex looked at me those evil eyes that could kill. Yes I am a good parent with mad parenting skills, but come on it was Nola and we had to see Bourbon Street.

So we spent 6 days exploring all that Nola had to offer. We went to the World War 2 museum, the aquarium, the French Quarter, the garden district, a cemetery, and multiple trips to Bourbon Street. I even took my brother to Harrah’s casino for his first trip gambling. He lost $500 that night and I won $300. The best part of the night of the casino trip was my brother puking in the hotel bathroom and my ex cleaning it up, yes I call that poetic justice for my ex.

Anyways, after 6 days in Nola we drove back home to find that there was damage all over the place. My apartment did not have power. But it was all good because I let my neighbor use my gas bbq pit while we were gone so he gave us a line off of his generator when we got home.

I went back to work the next day and we got power back sometime while I was at work, so we were only without power for 15 hours while we were home.

The next weekend I drove my babes around to view the damage. All over Harris County down by Galveston bay was damaged. My kids were in complete shock at the cars all over the place, slabs of homes were all that was left in some places.

One of the ways you can tell a regions recovery efforts is by sports, yes sports. It was two weeks after the storm that my old high school held its first high school football game post storm. I took the babes to the game (as I always make it to many of my old school’s games as I played football there) and it was very surreal. Most of the time the games are packed and standing room only, yet this game had fewer than 500 people there. Most of the people I talked to that day still did not have power 2 weeks after the storm. But that day it did not matter, there was football. My old school won that day by 40-50 points and that win did more to heal my old home town than anything Fema, the Red Cross, or any other group could do. Even the banner the team ran through during the pre-game said as much.

Hurricane Ike was a huge category 2 storm. It was over 500 miles across and had wave heights which were greater than what Hurricanes Rita and Katrina had. The storm was so bad because of the storm surge that the National Hurricane Center stopped using the wave height as a measure for categorizing hurricanes and now uses wind speed solely as the measure of how strong a storm is.

All in all I was very lucky from this storm, as we had no damage from the storm other than a fridge full of rotten food. Lots of other people were not so lucky and had their homes completely damaged by Ike beating down people.

So to mark this second anniversary of Hurricane Ike, I think I will set fire to several sheets of plywood and a generator just to piss off the extremist do-it-yourselfers out there.

I Miss You !!!!

I have someone that departed from me last December and has not been seen or heard from since then.

This person used to fill me up with so much joy and happiness and I have been sad since you left that winter day. You made me smile, you made me laugh, and sometimes you made me cry. But I loved having you around as no matter what you did, you made my whole body full of warmth. I have been lost without you in my life.

Even when you came to visit and sometimes brought friends of yours over which I did not care for, I was still happy to have you in my home.

The spring and summer months are too long and hot and time just seems to drag by without you in my life. I need you in my life year round.

My kids even have missed you so much, as you are often around me with the kids as well. The love it when you are come over to our house because it always means that they can stay up late on school nights.

We have been looking for you high and low to no avail. Although I had heard the rumors of your demise, I was a true believer and knew that one day we would find you again. My kids and I looked for you all weekend long, and I think we have found you as I heard your footsteps just around the corner from us. I hope that you will be over tonight for dinner as I have a big meal planned for all of us to enjoy while you are here.






Who is it that I miss you ask?






MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

Where were you on 9/11?

So I have never really written about 9/11 and where I was at that day so here it goes.

That morning was hectic to say the least. All that week I was supposed to be going to Sugarland (where my company had a huge office complex known as “the campus”) for a week long training class on safety leadership, and yes I can be a leader for the haters out there. I was supposed to be there at 8 am, which meant I had to get up at 6 to get ready and drive there as it was 65 miles away in Houston suck ass traffic. So I woke up late and flew out of the house and got on the road.

I was in the car listening to the Steven’s and Pruit morning show (who are not on the air anymore and have been replaced by Walton and Johnson) when they interrupted to say that a plane had flown into the World Trade center. And I thought wow some pilot has made a huge ass mistake and flying while drunk. I was stuck in hella traffic for at least an hour while that was going on. Then they said another plane flew into the building and I got pissed off as I knew right there and then that the world had changed right in front of me while I was in the car.

So I got to the campus shortly after 9 am and walked into the cafeteria building where my class was and walked into the class and then walked out to go watch the TV. Right when I walked in to look at the TV, the first building collapsed, and I was furious. I wanted to kick the first Muslim I saw as I knew that this was a bunch of rag head terrorists. Then shortly after that the second tower fell. I was beyond sad and pissed off all at one time.

But that what was not what pissed me off the most that day. All 2500 employees of the campus had been released shortly before lunch, but no not my class. The douche bag instructor kept us there till after 6pm. I was livid. No one in that class could concentrate on looking at PowerPoint slides that day. The instructor should have let us go home.

So after getting out of class that evening I stopped to buy a newspaper special edition as I knew that it would be a collector one day. And I noticed that there was no airplanes in the sky, which was odd as my route home took my near where the airport was. It was EIRIELY quiet that day on the way home. There was no traffic at all, in the sky or in the air.

I got home and also noticed that there was no airplane in the sky which was weird as my home was in the approach and take off area for the international airport in Houston.

The odd thing was I had tickets for that nights Houston Astros game against the Giants. Keep in mind this was the season that Barry Bonds was chasing Mark McQuire’s home run record. The game was cancelled and later replayed in late September or early October and we won the game if I remember correctly.

Anyway I was just happy to be home to kiss my kids. And then I got pissed off as I was watching the footage of the day’s events. It was then that I knew that my kids would not grow up in a peaceful world.

So where were you at when 20 or so members of the “religion of peace” attacked our country?

Lamo-Oblamo

I just got done watching some of President Obama’s speech about the current state of our economy, and I have to say I am tired of his constant Blame Bush comments. I am no Bush fan (I prefer women to be shaven) but I mean it is really getting old and Americans in general are smart enough to figure out that you are full of crap. It is like yelling fire in a theater every day whether there is a fire or not. Sooner or later people ignore it without even looking for a fire anymore.

Now I do not care what political party is in power at any given time as long as they are doing what is right for America and all Americans. This blame crap is old and each party has been doing it longer than I have been alive, and it needs to stop. I wish just one time in my life a President would stop blaming the other party and take responsibility for what is going on in our country while he or she is in office. I mean if you did not want the responsibility, you should not have ran for and won the office of the President of the United States. Responsibility and accountability (blame yourself) come with the job. Man up (or woman up one day) and take some ownership. Bush has been drinking margaritas for the last year and a half and is not to blame anymore.

So with that being said, “I have a dream…A dream where one day little Democrats and little Republicans can get along and actually work together for the betterment of our great nation. And quit fucking blaming each other for everything."

But at the end of the day I mean if you are going to constantly blame a Bush, blame the “bush” who is really at fault for all of our problems today. Blame the bush who is named Eve. I mean it was all HER fault for us getting thrown out of the garden for that one damn little apple.

Have a nice weekend filled with fun and great high school, college, and NFL football.

Invisible Friends......

Lets talk about the first amendment a little bit. With all of the anger over the proposed ground zero mosque, it has been beaten to death.

The Freedom of Religion allows you to worship whatever invisible friend you wish. It is also the same protection that is allowing the ground zero mosque to be built. No one in America thinks that they should not be allowed to build a mosque there as it is protected by the first amendment. However people think it might be wise to build it elsewhere down the street a little further from ground zero. But the beautiful thing about the first amendment is that it gives you the right to worship a religion also gives us the right to clown said religion. How about if the mosque gets built and someone builds a South Carolina style BBQ pig joint next door called “Swine is Fine?” Or if someone built a gay night club next door that caters to gay Muslims called “You Mecca Me Hot.”  I am pretty sure that the Muslims would say that it is insensitive to open a business like that next to a mosque. Insensitive is exactly what the American people have said about building a mosque next to ground zero.

The Right to Free Speech allows you to do or say pretty much everything that you want with very little restrictions. In this country it is ok if you want to burn an American flag as it is protected by the first amendment. So recently some idiot pastor of some church wants to hold a “burn the Koran” day on September 11^th. Well personally I do not think it is very wise to do so because all it is doing is pissing off Muslims. But his right to do so is protected under the first amendment as a freedom of speech or expression. So what did the world do you ask? Threaten Americans with death. Not just the pastor but all Americans. Yep that is the “religion of peace” that the media always tells us about daily.

But here is the ironic part about both of those two things above. The same amendment that protects the right to build a mosque also protects someone’s right to burn a bible. But just because it is legal do something does not mean it is wise/smart/kosher/a good idea to do it.

Kids Abbreviations

This cracked me up so I just had to share.

So last Saturday the babes and I were out running errands and I was not planning on cooking dinner because we were so busy all day. So I asked my daughter to make me a short list of what her and my son wanted for dinner (even though I know what they like to eat from every restaurant we have ever been to). Here is the list I was given.

MD

Jonesy (my daughter)
Kids ml, chikn, 6 pes, h20

Biggie (my son)
Kids ml, chikn, 6 pes, h2o
Spise chikn samin

So to translate:

McDonalds

Jonesy
6 piece chicken nugget Happy Meal with a water.

Biggie
6 piece chicken nugget Happy Meal with a water.
Spicy chicken sandwich

So when I read the list my daughter had made, I cracked up laughing. So I asked her what was up with the spelling and grammar (as my babes are good with spelling and grammar unlike me) and she replied back, "well you asked for a short list, and I made a short list for you". I died laughing when she walked away. I am not sure if she knows what an abbreviation is, but this might be the first time I have ever seen her use abbreviation/short hand.

Sarcasm Ho!!!!!

I started this blog as a way to pen down things about life, real life adventures of me and my kids blundering booty, and the misadventures of everyday life of a 30 something dad. Sometimes I will write about things I read in the news, sometimes it will be about politics. I might give you some good advice, maybe some recipes, maybe some spots about sports. But whatever I write about will be carved with a fine mixture of truth and sarcasm.

However, I must warn you that I am blessed with wit. Not the average every day kind of wit, the kind of wit that makes your side rupture open.

So with that said my wit most of the time is inappropriate, highly offensive, abusive, close to home, cuts to the bone, and makes old ladies cry.

So if you are one of those people who are easily offended, please grow some epidermis and get over it, life is just too short to be offended by me.

Ye have been warned!!!!

Hooked Em !!!!

So blog number one is finally here. This is like the first round draft pick having to play up to the level of expectations in his first game right? I do not know, but here goes.

Since my life revolves heavily around my babes (my own term of endearment for my kids), I shall start with a little diddy about them. I have two kids, they are age 9. Yes they are twins for those keeping score at home or the library or Starbucks. One boy and one girl, and no they are not identical for those of you who do not know any better (yes I have been asked if they were identical when I tell people I have twins-one of each).

Today was the first Saturday of the college football season and THE University of Texas was playing here in Houston at Reliant Stadium vs Rice. Well I knew that this game was on the schedule last year and knew I would be taking my fat butt and the babes to the game. So I bought some really great seats a couple of weeks ago. My kids have had today circled in the calendar-o-mind for a while so you know that they were excited. We all get the burnt orange attire on and head to the stadium. I wanted to tail gate, but my kids said no because it was going to be hot. So after donating my right arm as payment for parking, we parked up close to where all of the people were tail gating in the lot we were in. There were all kinds of people bbq’ing, playing football, and all kinds of other activities both adult and kid friendly. So my son asks why we didn’t tail gate and gets mad, and I was like I wanted to and you said no. So he says “well I did not know what this greatness was all about.” Welcome to big time college football my child.

So we walk to the stadium from the lot (which I am sure was longer than the walk Moses took out of Egypt) and head inside. We go up to our section to get drinks and food (where I donated my other arm as payment and now qualify for disability benefits) and head to our seats. We are sitting there and my son notices that there is a huge “R” painted on the 50 yard line and blurts out, “what the French toast dad? Why do they have an R for Rice on the field?” I explained that this was a home game for Rice and he was like, “dad look around there are 70,000 orange shirts here, this is a home game for UT!” He is not so good with “technicalities”.

The game started and me and my son talked about all the plays and cheered together. However all my daughter could muster to do was give me the play by play on what Bevo (the UT longhorn) was doing. Which I can’t blame her, she was up late because her bff spent the night last night.

The game was good as UT won the game 34-17, but they could have played better. But it was the first game of the season so I forgive them. But we all had a good time. I even met up with my childhood besty and got to talk to him and his mom. My kids had a blast, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

The most important thing was that I did what I always do; I spend time with my kids.


So for a brief summary:

3 tickets to a UT Game: $175
Park Lot Pass: Right arm
Food and Drinks: Left arm
Taking my kids to their first college and first UT game that they will remember for LIFE: PRICELESS