The Hookers Union

I ended up going out on Thursday night with a few friends for beers and dinner so I didn’t have time to write a proper original post. So to make up for it here is a great little email joke that I got a while back that illustrates that not all unions are a good thing.


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,” she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.”

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 5

Well it has been a couple of months since my last post in my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” so here is another installment. This series is where I take some of my jackass Facebook posts and share them with you.

I just spent all day removing a virus from my laptop. It got a virus last night while I was reading a news story about Congressman Weiner. Even the news about him is infectious.

Am I the only one who has the urge to rip the speaker off the top of ice cream trucks when they roll through the neighborhood?

Hey menfolk, if you want to keep a woman from going through your cell phone, just rename it "kitchen" then it is almost guaranteed that no woman will go in it.

I think the powers that be need to invent a spray for wasps that does not kill them, but rather makes them leave your house and go to your neighbor’s house and sting them.

If I get married again I am going to Lake Charles instead of Vegas.

After -re-watching the US Women's world cup soccer game yesterday against North Korea, I must say I feel sorry for the people of that oppressed country. I mean how good can life be there when your country makes all the women on the soccer team have the same exact hair cut.

Happy-You-Knocked-Up-The-Wrong-Woman-Day.

If ABC was smart, they would have put Charilie Sheen on Dancing With The Stars....

I miss football so bad I am watching a Canadian Football League game.

I am curious to know which day of the week more people quit their jobs on. I am pretty sure it is Monday.

Walmart finally has the oral health isle figured out. They had toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and feminine products all on the same isle during my last visit.

Now that his term as governor is over does this mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to go back to making shitty b-rated action movies?

It should be mandatory in this country that in order to get a driver’s license you should be able to prove that you can walk through a crowded Walmart without walking into people and their baskets. If you can't do that you have no fucking business driving on the roadways.

If our country really wanted to stop the terrorists cold in their tracks, all the US has to do is make a 100 woman army made up of pissed off ex-wives along with 1 divorce attorney and drop them into where the terrorists are. The war would be over in days.

Did my ears deceive me just now? I thought I heard the guy on Fox say that an Astros player was playing in the All Star Game. Surely he can't be serious.

"Imma let you finish your trial Casey Anthony, but OJ Simpson's not guilty verdict was better" - Kanye West

Apparently I Am An Addict.

My kids tell me I spend too much time on the computer. Well I probably do. But they say it is not the computer, but rather Facebook that I spend too much time on.

Last Friday I was on Facebook before leaving work, I noticed that one of the local sports radio stations was doing a giveaway on Facebook.

They said, “like this picture and be one of the first 100 to do so and we will have a drawing for a free copy of the Playstation 3 game MLB2K11.” So I “liked” it and got off the computer and proceeded home.

After eating dinner late Friday night I got on Facebook to check things out. It was then that I noticed a post from said radio station saying, “Congrats to Oilfield Trash, you have won the giveaway. Please call 555-UWon to come and claim your game.”

I jumped up and screamed, “hell to the YEA!!!!”

I then decided I needed to send my kids an email telling them how I got paid to be on Facebook and that I had won the game (because after all they will play said game with me).

This is the actual email I sent to the kids.


Biggie and Sissy,


I don't want you to ever say anything about your dad being on facebook again. Why, because I just won a PS3 video game "MLB 2K11" from a local sports radio stations Facebook page. So take that you two for hating on your dad for being on facebook.


Peace, Love, and free video games!!!!


Love, dad.


My son emailed me back and told me that it was cool that I had won the game and he can’t wait to play it with me when he gets back from vacation. He also apologized for saying I was addicted to Facebook.

Dad 1, Brats 0.

Hey Can I Borrow Some Ends?

I am beyond sick of Washington and the great debt ceiling debate that is going on right now.

Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats are behaving. And neither have the desires of the American people at heart. They are both only looking to do what we will get them re-elected in 2012. Well guess what, we are fucked in the process.

The Republicans only want to cut spending, and the Democrats only want to raise taxes.

If you want to stop the bleeding and adding of debt, you have to cut your spending.

If you want to get out of debt, you have to cut spending and also raise revenue. To get out of debt you have to do both in cutting your spending and bring in more money.

It seems simple right? Well apparently the concept that my kids understand is not something that Washington seems to know anything about.

Neither party seems to understand the root cause of how we got into this mess in the first place. And that is by spending too much money.

Now don’t think I am taking sides here (remember I am in independent) because honestly both the Republicans and the Democrats are totally guilty when it comes to spending. For decades now both parties (with both holding the White House and congress at alternating times throughout the last 30 years) have spent us blindly into oblivion. It is time to have a serious talk about it.

We need to cut spending. Like when I was born. But since that time has passed we need to cut spending. I know some of you are fans of big government and some are not. Regardless of where your political affiliations may lay, this spending problem is hurting all of us. There are tons of money that are wasted daily by our government and we need to get better returns for our tax dollars. Because honestly right now we are not getting our money’s worth.

At the same time, we need to increase revenue by closing out some tax loopholes and get everyone paying their fair share in taxes (I am looking at you GE who paid ZERO in taxes in 2010).

Seems like an easy solution right?

Well it is too complicated for Washington because frankly the President’s only solution is to raise taxes and not stop the spending. I mean that is like you having a brother who is a meth addict and instead of putting his ass in rehab to help him (ie fix the cause of the problem); you just go out and buy him more meth. Yes it is that insane.

Needless to say we are screwed and it is not looking good right now for our future.To quote a great movie in Gremlins 2, "I am advising all of my clients to invest in canned goods and shotgun shells."

The Triple Nipple

People with an extra nipple are nothing new. Many people over the years have had an extra nipple on their chest or torso area.

Well this woman has a nipple in a new area. She has a third nipple and it is on the bottom of one of her feet.

Now I have heard of “pussy footing around” but I have never heard of “nipple footing around”.

Yes I said she has an actual nipple on the bottom of her foot.

I bet she never gets turned down when she asks for a foot massage. Hell I bet she even has guys (and even ladies) begging to give her a foot massage.

Can you imagine the shock and look on the little Asian ladies face at the nail salon when she goes and gets a pedi?

I wonder if it hurts her when she is walking around outside when it is cold.

Can you imagine having her on the bed with her legs over your shoulders, you could pinch two nipples and suck on the third at the same time.

Ok I will stop with the nasty jokes.

Oh No She Didn’t !!!!

Men you may not want to read this if you just ate your lunch. Or breakfast.

I don’t know if you heard about this or not, but this woman cut off her husband’s penis and stuffed it down the garbage disposal and turned it on.

Yes you read that correctly, she cut off his cock and put it down the garbage disposal and destroyed it.

Ouch.

Double ouch.

This whole story is beyond disturbing.

The guy was apparently divorcing this bitch/cunt/crazy demonic piece of shit woman and allowed her to continue to live at the house until she could find a place to live (mistake #1-you kick them out).

At some point she drugged his dinner (mistake #2-you never eat food cooked by crazy bitches) and the man went to lay down (mistake #3-never turn your back on a crazy bitch) because he felt ill. Shortly after going to bed the man passed out.

It was at that point that she tied him up, cut his dick off, and proceeded to the kitchen where she put it down the disposal.

The woman called 911 asking for medical help for the man. The police showed up and arrested her. She told police that he deserved it. She was charged with false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, and aggravated mayhem. Now why does aggravated mayhem sound like that dude from the Allstate commercials.

The man was taken to a hospital where they were able to control the bleeding. A poor cop had to retrieve what was left of the penis from the sink (now there is a job I am very thankful I don’t have-can you imagine coming home from work and explaining how your day was?) and it is unclear if they will be able to re-attach it. If they can’t re-attach it they will be able to make a prosthetic penis.

Now I have a few comments about this. Ladies, it is not ok to do this. I don’t care if he fucked your mother and you walked in on it, nobody deserves this. You get a divorce and end it. Period. End. Of. Fucking. Story. The only time this is ever allowed is if the man is beating you and you slice it off to protect your life while he is beating you. That is the only time it is ever acceptable to do this.

There should be a law for this to where they can charge someone who does this kind of heinous crime with capital murder. Hey Trash did you just say capital murder? Hell yes I did. She killed his sex life. Forever. So yes this should be a crime punishable by death. Yes I am serious.

I feel sorry for this man. I really do. I have not seen an update to the original story to see of they were able to save his penis or if he had to have a prosthetic penis attached. But after seeing this picture of a garbage disposal below, would you really want it back?

Poor man, I will drink a beer, light a candle, and play Taps in your honor tonight.

He’s A Chip Off Of The Block As Well

Last week I told you about how my daughter sent me a funny email. Well I also recently got one from my son as well.

He sent me one the other day with a picture of a pimped out car attached. He was all excited to show me this car since he loves cars and he also loves the University Of Texas.

The email was good in and of itself as it was the picture and a little bit of small talk, but that was not the funny part. You see my son had not only sent the email to me, but he had also copied his mom, and my brother in the email.

It was at that moment that I had noticed that my wonderful son had listed me in his address book as “step dad”, as well as his uncle as “step uncle”, and his mom as “step mom”.

That little shit does have a sense of humor. One that is just like mine.

I guess this means he is indeed my son and I need to stop that DNA test to try and get out of paying child support.