A few weeks ago here in Houston, the Houston Police department found a dead man’s body outside of a home. Now I know this is not an uncommon occurrence here in Houston, or in any other big city for that matter.
What was strange here is that the dead man’s head was missing. And the dead man was also missing one of his arms.
Not too far from the body was a large plastic bag containing the missing head and the missing arm.
Also not too far away from the dead body was a bloody chainsaw. Yes I did just say a bloody chainsaw.
Apparently according to the initial news reports, “The victim’s identity has not been released. Police don’t know what led to the man’s death.” Don’t know what led to the man’s death? I am pretty fucking sure he didn’t commit suicide. Could it be possible that the chainsaw might have had something to do with his death? What the paper should have written is, “Police are unsure of the motive for this murder at this time.” I guess they will let anyone write for my local paper these days.
Since the initial news reports have come out, it was determined that the victims best friend and roommate shot the victim twice in the head after a disagreement (insert ghetto reason why-drugs, women, Call of Duty-Black Ops, last slice of leftover pizza eaten, etc). And then at some point the suspect used the chainsaw to cut up the body.
The reason for the suspect to cut up the victim was that the suspect was a very small man and could not move the body of the victim as the victim weighed close to 400 pounds. So the suspect procured a chainsaw and proceeded to carve up the body to make it easier to dispose of. And at some point in time someone saw the body and called police.
The suspect has been charged with enough charges to keep him busy having hot prison sex for the rest of his life.
Now maybe it is just me but the suspect should have thought about the size of his roommate before killing him. Although I do give him kudos for actually trying to get rid of the body in a creative way since he gave me something to write about on Wednesday morning.
Why does it always seem like weird shit like this only happens here in Texas?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Depression Is Normal, Right?
I wish they made a pill for depression.
What is that you say? Oh they already make pills for depression; well shit I guess I am late to the self help game.
No I wish they made a pill for depression that did not have side effects. All of the pills out on the market today have strong side effects which are worse than the actual depression. You know the side effects I am talking about where the pills give you chest pain (as if you didn’t already have it from anxiety), loss of appetite (as if you could eat anyways), loss of sex drive (if you were getting laid you wouldn’t be depressed right?), insomnia (like you didn’t already have trouble sleeping), gas with an oily discharge (nothing cheers you up like half ass shitting yourself), and suicidal thoughts (isn’t this what you were trying to avoid in the first place).
All jokes aside, I am depressed. I have been depressed for a while for a multitude of reasons that I won’t bore you with. Suffice to say I think I need a vacation. A vacation away from all adult responsibility.
I think I need to look into making a new pill for depression. A pill with no side effects and can tap into already existing problems that I have. You know a pill that could encourage my inner procrastinator side and make me put off my depression for another day. I think I could make a lot of money off of that idea.
Till then I wish they just had this pill below. Yes I know this picture is really old, but it is still funny to me.
What is that you say? Oh they already make pills for depression; well shit I guess I am late to the self help game.
No I wish they made a pill for depression that did not have side effects. All of the pills out on the market today have strong side effects which are worse than the actual depression. You know the side effects I am talking about where the pills give you chest pain (as if you didn’t already have it from anxiety), loss of appetite (as if you could eat anyways), loss of sex drive (if you were getting laid you wouldn’t be depressed right?), insomnia (like you didn’t already have trouble sleeping), gas with an oily discharge (nothing cheers you up like half ass shitting yourself), and suicidal thoughts (isn’t this what you were trying to avoid in the first place).
All jokes aside, I am depressed. I have been depressed for a while for a multitude of reasons that I won’t bore you with. Suffice to say I think I need a vacation. A vacation away from all adult responsibility.
I think I need to look into making a new pill for depression. A pill with no side effects and can tap into already existing problems that I have. You know a pill that could encourage my inner procrastinator side and make me put off my depression for another day. I think I could make a lot of money off of that idea.
Till then I wish they just had this pill below. Yes I know this picture is really old, but it is still funny to me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Little Fire Fighter
I was too lazy busy over the weekend to sit down and actually do some really good creative writing for all of you. So you will have to live with this nice little joke that I got in an email from a friend of mine. I hope you enjoy it.
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
“Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”
Have a great Monday and I will try to write something good for you tonight when and if I ever get out of work.
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
“Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”
Have a great Monday and I will try to write something good for you tonight when and if I ever get out of work.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Do It For The Kids Roger Goodell!
In case you were not aware of it, there is a lockout right now in the NLF. This lock out means that none of the players are getting paid right now, and there may or may not be an NFL football season next year.
The NFL Players and the NFL Owners are in a fight over you guessed it, money. The two sides can’t come to an agreement on how rich they will both become in the future. I really could care less if there is or isn’t an NFL season in 2011 as there will still be college and high school football for me to go and see in person and watch on tv.
This lockout and work stoppage will not really hurt the owners or the players much as they are both rich already. I am more worried about the average people that this lockout will hurt. You know the cheerleaders, the score board operators, the beer vendors, and merchandise vendors, the guys working the chain gang, the referees, the ticket takers, and everyone else involved in the game without a million dollar contract. That is who I am worried about as those people have real bills to pay as well.
But as sad as it is that those people I listed above going without paychecks are, the real victims here are the children. Yes I said the children are the victims here. You see a lot of these NFL players have kids and need to pay child support. And with the lock out here, these players don’t get paid so in turn the baby mommas out there aren’t getting paid. And that means the children will starve.
Take the New York Jets defensive back Antonio Cromartie who has nine kids that he needs to pay child support for. Yes I said NINE kids. With eight different women. Yes I said he has NINE kids with EIGHT different women. On a side note, I know my vasectomy surgery story is world famous, but damn dude you are losing half of your money each year. It might have been worth it in hindsight.
I am not sure what state or states his child support is under but in Texas, that would mean no less than 40% of his after tax salary would go to be divided up for child support. So with his 2010 salary of $1.7 million dollars would mean that each kid would get around $45,000 a year tax free.
One of the women he owes child support to was brave enough to speak to the media about it. She is a nurse in California and says without the money she won’t be able to pay for child care. A nurse makes around $30,000 or so and with that and another $45,000 a year tax free you can’t make ends meat? Honey you are making some bad choices with your cash. Hell if men could get knocked up and have a kid to collect $45,000 a year tax free I would so be in that line because I could live the high life with $45,000 tax free.
So Roger Goodell you need to get an agreement in place so the lock out is over and these players can get paid and in turn pay those baby mommas so these kids don’t starve. Remember it is all about the children.
The NFL Players and the NFL Owners are in a fight over you guessed it, money. The two sides can’t come to an agreement on how rich they will both become in the future. I really could care less if there is or isn’t an NFL season in 2011 as there will still be college and high school football for me to go and see in person and watch on tv.
This lockout and work stoppage will not really hurt the owners or the players much as they are both rich already. I am more worried about the average people that this lockout will hurt. You know the cheerleaders, the score board operators, the beer vendors, and merchandise vendors, the guys working the chain gang, the referees, the ticket takers, and everyone else involved in the game without a million dollar contract. That is who I am worried about as those people have real bills to pay as well.
But as sad as it is that those people I listed above going without paychecks are, the real victims here are the children. Yes I said the children are the victims here. You see a lot of these NFL players have kids and need to pay child support. And with the lock out here, these players don’t get paid so in turn the baby mommas out there aren’t getting paid. And that means the children will starve.
Take the New York Jets defensive back Antonio Cromartie who has nine kids that he needs to pay child support for. Yes I said NINE kids. With eight different women. Yes I said he has NINE kids with EIGHT different women. On a side note, I know my vasectomy surgery story is world famous, but damn dude you are losing half of your money each year. It might have been worth it in hindsight.
I am not sure what state or states his child support is under but in Texas, that would mean no less than 40% of his after tax salary would go to be divided up for child support. So with his 2010 salary of $1.7 million dollars would mean that each kid would get around $45,000 a year tax free.
One of the women he owes child support to was brave enough to speak to the media about it. She is a nurse in California and says without the money she won’t be able to pay for child care. A nurse makes around $30,000 or so and with that and another $45,000 a year tax free you can’t make ends meat? Honey you are making some bad choices with your cash. Hell if men could get knocked up and have a kid to collect $45,000 a year tax free I would so be in that line because I could live the high life with $45,000 tax free.
So Roger Goodell you need to get an agreement in place so the lock out is over and these players can get paid and in turn pay those baby mommas so these kids don’t starve. Remember it is all about the children.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Fat Ho Burgers
One of the good things about hard economic times is that it gives rise to new business started up by people who think outside of the box.
One such business is in Waco, Texas and it is a new burger joint. The name of the new burger joint is “Fat Ho Burgers”.
The lady who started the new burger joint wanted a cool name for her place and also something that you will never forget. Well mission accomplished with the name Miss Evans.
Miss Evans also picked the name of the place as a joke to lighten the mood during such hard times in Texas. “The economy is bad. Somebody gotta keep a sense of humor around here.”
According the news site where I read this story, business there is doing great. And if Waco was not so far away from me, I would come in and get the “super fly ho with cheese” and a “tiny ho” meal for each of my kids.
My hat is off to you Miss Evans for standing up in the middle of a recession and in the bible belt of Texas (who protested over the name of the place) and coming up with a creative name for your burger joint. I hope your business is a huge success.
Edited To Add: Some of you asked for their website with the menu, so here you go.
And some of you also asked if they sold stuff (like t-shirts) and apparently they do see stuff and you can get it here.
One such business is in Waco, Texas and it is a new burger joint. The name of the new burger joint is “Fat Ho Burgers”.
The New Joint
The lady who started the new burger joint wanted a cool name for her place and also something that you will never forget. Well mission accomplished with the name Miss Evans.
Miss Evans also picked the name of the place as a joke to lighten the mood during such hard times in Texas. “The economy is bad. Somebody gotta keep a sense of humor around here.”
Miss Evans
According the news site where I read this story, business there is doing great. And if Waco was not so far away from me, I would come in and get the “super fly ho with cheese” and a “tiny ho” meal for each of my kids.
My hat is off to you Miss Evans for standing up in the middle of a recession and in the bible belt of Texas (who protested over the name of the place) and coming up with a creative name for your burger joint. I hope your business is a huge success.
A Fat Ho Customer
Edited To Add: Some of you asked for their website with the menu, so here you go.
And some of you also asked if they sold stuff (like t-shirts) and apparently they do see stuff and you can get it here.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Great Moments In Self Humiliation
Have you ever hidden something around the house and forgot about it? Only to have one of your kids find it? No I am not talking about Christmas or birthday gifts or something innocent like that. I am talking about something a little more personal.
I am sure many women have had their plastic vibrating “massager” end up being found by their kids. I know for a fact quite a few stoners (friends of mine) have had their bongs stumbled upon by their kids.
Do you see where I am going with this?
The other night my son and I were in my room watching the movie “2012” before going to bed. I was lying on my bed and my son was sitting at my desk. Out of now where my son started going through the drawers of my desk. A few minutes later he pulls out a jar of this and asks me what it is.
If you do not know what that bottle is, it is a bottle of “lube”.
Thank god I have quick wits and I was able to quickly answer him within milliseconds.
“That is a special lotion that you rub on sore muscles”.
My son responds back, “Ah ok. Is this what you bought when you pulled your back muscles a couple of months ago?”
I responded back with, “Yes sir, now it is time for bed so off you go.”
I really need to find a better hiding spot for that little bottle. And I also need to put a better lock on my bedroom door so there is a ZERO PERCENT chance he could ever walk in on me. I would really hate to hear my son ask me if I pulled a muscle in my “bendy hose”.
I am sure many women have had their plastic vibrating “massager” end up being found by their kids. I know for a fact quite a few stoners (friends of mine) have had their bongs stumbled upon by their kids.
Do you see where I am going with this?
The other night my son and I were in my room watching the movie “2012” before going to bed. I was lying on my bed and my son was sitting at my desk. Out of now where my son started going through the drawers of my desk. A few minutes later he pulls out a jar of this and asks me what it is.
If you do not know what that bottle is, it is a bottle of “lube”.
Thank god I have quick wits and I was able to quickly answer him within milliseconds.
“That is a special lotion that you rub on sore muscles”.
My son responds back, “Ah ok. Is this what you bought when you pulled your back muscles a couple of months ago?”
I responded back with, “Yes sir, now it is time for bed so off you go.”
I really need to find a better hiding spot for that little bottle. And I also need to put a better lock on my bedroom door so there is a ZERO PERCENT chance he could ever walk in on me. I would really hate to hear my son ask me if I pulled a muscle in my “bendy hose”.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Commenter’s Award And Pay It Forward
I was recently given another couple of awards.
The first award is "The Kickass Commentor Award" which was given to me by Pencilgirl. She gave me the award because I always comment on her blog. Thank you to Pencilgirl, and please go check out her blog if you haven't already.
And in turn I am giving this award to all of you who comment on my blog.
I was also recently given another award as well. I was given the “Good Bloggers Pay It Forward” award by Random Girl.
The rule says that I have to pay it forward and pass the award onto five other bloggers. But since I am trying to pay it forward big time, I am giving this award to all of you who read and follow my blog.
So thank you Random Girl and thank you to all of you who read my blog and actually enjoy it. Please go and visit Random Girl's blog.
The first award is "The Kickass Commentor Award" which was given to me by Pencilgirl. She gave me the award because I always comment on her blog. Thank you to Pencilgirl, and please go check out her blog if you haven't already.
And in turn I am giving this award to all of you who comment on my blog.
I was also recently given another award as well. I was given the “Good Bloggers Pay It Forward” award by Random Girl.
The rule says that I have to pay it forward and pass the award onto five other bloggers. But since I am trying to pay it forward big time, I am giving this award to all of you who read and follow my blog.
So thank you Random Girl and thank you to all of you who read my blog and actually enjoy it. Please go and visit Random Girl's blog.
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