A recipe of blurbs by a hungry dad-filled with sarcasm, truth, and a dash of that rare ingredient, common sense.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Spam. And Not The Kind You Can Eat On A Sammich.

Have you ever noticed that we get a shit load of spam emails these days? This spam seems to come from all kinds of mindless people in hopes of getting us to order some kind of wonder drug, spay/neuter our mother, donate money to a Nigerian prince, or get an online degree in proctology.

I seem to get spam pretty bad now and I am not sure why. This seems to mainly happen on my personal email address (no thanks Yahoo) and not on my work email (thanks IT guys). Maybe the fact that one is free and the other is not so free might have something to do with it.

So I think I should share some of these lovely spam emails with you.


Zoloft Health Alert – a nice little email asking if I had taken Zoloft. Don’t “they” have records of all of the people who took it? And if I did take wouldn’t I feel more happy about it?

Yourscorechecker – this was a nice little email reminding me to check out my credit score today. Now normally this is something I would need to know if all of my credit cards weren’t maxed the fuck out.

X-Ray Technician Training
– now I would normally not be interested in doing this as a career because I would be too afraid of fucking up, but how fun to would it be to take the x-rays of idiots who get stuff stuck up their shitholes that don’t belong there?

United States Postal Service – this was an email telling me that the letters I had sent were undeliverable and that I needed to click on their link to find them. Now it might just be me but I can’t ever remember the post office emailing me the last time they lost my car note.

BackToSchool
– these people say that I can go back to school while at work. Now if I was doing online classes while at work, wouldn’t that interfere with being a smartass on Facebook?

Affordablecellphoneplans – this email promised to save me tons of money on a cell phone plan. Thanks guys but I am already saving a ton of money on a cell phone plan seeing as how my work has been paying my cell phone bill for a decade now.

Christian Singles Site – ok this one promises that they can find me a Christian single woman. But I have already prayed for one CERTAIN Christian single woman, didn’t they get that message from upstairs?

Free Sample Men’s Supplement – this guy promised me that if I took his company’s pills I could “rise to the occasion” and “make her cum over and over again”. Thanks guy for trying to help me out but I don’t even need to take my clothes off to make the woman I love come.

Solar Installation Jobs – this woman promised to find me a job installing solar panels. Was this part of the president’s “green jobs” plan? How many people can afford these things because I don’t know anyone in the ghetto that I live in that can afford solar power?

Rental Property Search – this company promises to help me “narrow down” my apartment search. Now out of all of the spam I have gotten, this one is one that I actually need.

Latinos Online Dating – this guy promised to find me some “hot latin men”. Well shit is this what I am doing wrong and why I am single? I don’t think so Pedro, I am not gay and I am not interested in “latin men”. Now if you want to send me some “hot latin women” maybe we can work out something.

Classmates.com – they wanted to remind me that I have 56 people from the class of 93’ that are searching for me. They also wanted to remind me that they are still running $5.99 a month specials for access to their site. Now I could be mistaken but I think those 56 people who are searching for me found me on that free website out there called FACEBOOK.

Myspace.com – they emailed me to say that I had a message from someone. Ok I hadn’t been on there in years so I went to the site and logged in. I didn’t have an email but I was able to stalk err I mean visit some people who had deleted me from facebook. I was also able to see some really old pictures of Miley (she hadn’t deleted me there-yay) that I had not seen in years. Some of those pictures were HAUGHT.

Social Work Training
– now this company guarantees I could get accepted into a school for social work. Little do they know that so many social workers have been to my home, that they already gave me an honorary license in Texas.

Your Dream Job – I think this one goes without saying, but they say they can get me my dream job. Can I get paid to lay in bed and let a woman (ie Miley) run her fingers through my hair all day for 8 hours a day? Or getting paid for getting a bj? Catch my drift, those types of jobs don’t exist.

Bathroom Remodel – I am lost by this one that offered to “pimp my throne room” as I live in a rental unit duplex in the hood. And I am not paying for shit to be done to this forsaken place that not even the land lord gives a rats ass about.



Well I guess that is enough of a sample of some of the fucktarded spam emails that I get.

I have noticed that sites like Facebook make the ads that you see match stuff that you post about. If the net and websites like Facebook, hopefully the spammers out there will catch up as well.

27 comments:

  1. Yours are a lot more interesting than the African ones I get saying I've won a lottery or an unspecified amount of money but I just need to send them money to release my funds.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I get gigs of spam...I wish I could blacklist and filter all of them but those Viagra dudes always seem to shove in

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  3. I'm thinking that maybe I should remove my spam filters because I could really use a Christian Latino from my former high school who can pimp my throne room and get me antidepressants.

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  4. I agree...spam seems to have increased in volume! It's such a pain to have to delete, delete, delete, delete!

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  5. All that spam... sheesh! Whatever happened to the good ol' days when all we got was penis enlargement emails and mysteriously rich princes who need us to manage their money?

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  6. LMAO @ Daft Scots Lass "Viagra dudes always seem to shove in"... Yep, that's what happens when you take viagra!

    My spam is more like "You can go back to school FREE!"
    Trust me bitches, I'm in school. I get all kinds of free money but this chick still gots bills to pay! That is not free. Nor is my sanity while in school and raising two kids.

    I remember the first penis enlargement spam email I got. I was like 'OMG, how did you know my boyfriend has a tiny penis?!'
    That was 1998. Sigh. Good times.

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  7. My work spam folder really seems to be getting a workout right now. I would say the volume is at least three times heavier than usual.
    I have never gotten the bathroom remodel or x-ray tech emails, those are new ones to me.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @ Lurker, I used to get those as well.

    @ Lass, your comment is hilarious.

    @ GT, thanks.

    @ Katsidhe, thank you for that comment. Your sense of humor is damn close to my own.

    @ Eva, yes it is.

    @ Nikki, I have actually missed those emails.

    @ Miley, oh that is so true about school. And that penis comment is hilarious. Don't think you will be getting an email like that anytime soon. lmao

    @ George, I hate spam and I am tired of it.

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  9. Actually my Yahoo account doesn't so much get the spam of which you speak. I think when you are talking volume, emails going in and out- that's where the spammers go apeshit. but yeah, Another blogger I follow got a spam about a Russian wife. I could use one of those!

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  10. I get emails on how I can enlarge my penis.
    Somehow I don't think that is gonna happen.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I tend to get the most on my hotmail, and it's always either the one telling me about the long lost relative in darkest Africa who left me a fortune or (mostly) viagra ads.

    I suppose I could get some and slip one in a mans coffee, it would save all the unnecessary and time consuming foreplay.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Getting very persistent ones that tell me that they are taking away my internet. Like that would happen and I would actually be notified. Not my provider. I was getting a pile of ones on my blog but fixed it with removing the anon option to comment.

    Oh and I keep winning the Microsoft lottery. I am so lucky

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  13. Whoa, whoa, hang on. You mean that Nigerian prince thing was a scam?
    Aww, crap!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. @ Pixie, them Russian wives are expensive.

    @ Ruth, I think you might be onto something there.

    @ Cowgirl, that is hilarious.

    @ Mynx, sometimes I think taking away the internet wouldn't be such a bad thing for me.

    @ Al, yea I am sorry to report it was.

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  15. No kidding- I have noticed a huge increase in spam email to my inbox lately and I'm wondering what the hell is going on? I just got one saying I may know criminals. Um, yah- pretty much all of Superior has at least one DUI. :/

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  16. I've been seeing an increase in the "we'll help you find your soul mate" stuff. I usually flip it off before deleting. It's as bad as the check the box if you're single crap on forms.

    Um, I'm not sure-perhaps I'm wrong-but I'm sensing you have strong feelings for a certain named someone in your post...could she be the one???

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  17. You left out the Nigerian king who will "make your dreams come true" -lol

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  18. Awww, the Frisky Virgin is a smart gal!

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  19. OT...have you been reading my emails? I get the exact same spam as you apparently. Yahoo and AOL are letting crap into my email accounts and not just spam. It's driving me nuts!

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  20. @ Sara, that is hilarious that everyone there has a record.

    @ Virgin, I know exactly what you mean. And yes I am fond of someone.

    @ Yvonne, I always forget about them.

    @ Miley, yes she is.

    @ Barb, it is beyond driving me nuts.

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  21. I get Christian Singles and Single Fathers Looking for Love A LOT! Like a lot a lot...what the hell!? Ugh...oh well. It's better than the "You are millions waiting for you to pick up in India" or the "An African Prince is in love with you" spams.

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  22. Did you get the one asking if you were interested in dating cougars yet? If only I wasn't married!

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  23. <---- A Cougar. As based on the fact that I currently go to University of Houston and that's the mascot.

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  24. Kindly forward the Latin men info. Thanks.
    xoRobyn

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  25. @ Jewels, maybe you need to find a single dad. Hmm...

    @ Vinny, no I have not got that one. Although I want to date a certain UofH cougar.

    @ Miley, I know. And I had to explain that to you. Sigh.

    @ Robyn, ok will do.

    ReplyDelete
  26. My Yahoo spam filter is really good. I just go in once in a while and do a quick scan of the junk. The most common one is for Viagra. I must be writing about penises.

    ReplyDelete

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