Thoughts Of A Jackass #7

Well I really didn’t have time this week to write a proper post, so here is another installment from my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass”. I hope enjoy reading the goofy shit that I post on Facebook and then share here with you.


Why does every one say that today is the first cold day of the year? Did they forget about all of the cold ass days in January and February?

I had a nightmare last night that the Detroit Lions and the Buffalo Bills were playing each other in the next Superbowl.

It is bad enough that you can't go to a damn car dealership without being bugged to death by salesmen, now when you to one of their websites you get a damn pop up window with a sales rep wanting to chat with you.

Today I am thankful my diploma is from UofH and not from Penn State, otherwise I might have to burn it.

That damn blue field at Boise State is just annoying and unnatural. It is like seeing a foot of snow on the ground in Jamaica, it just ain't supposed to happen.

Apparently the reason I am not getting laid is because according to that hippy dude in the sky, I am getting screwed enough Monday through Friday during the day.

I never understood that whole saying/cliche "men like women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen". Personally I would rather have her not pregnant, in heels and lingerie in the kitchen.

How come those Sleep Number Bed commercials never tell what the best number is for getting your freak on?

I keep seeing all of these "you know you are from...when" and "do you remember..." and all I can say is that I can remember all of this shit was not on Facebook.

Monday, the go fuck yourself of the work week.

I think someone at Rick Perry's little prayer rally forgot to pray that he wouldn't run for president.

I went to Half-Priced-Books on my way home from work and got some decent books. But it got me thinking; back in Biblical times did they have Half-Priced-Scrolls??

How come you never hear "Press 2 for Yiddish?"

When I told my son this morning of Bin Laden's death, his first question was "when is the Call Of Duty: Kill Bin Laden Edition coming out?"

So we are carving pumpkins and I am in the middle of making Bevo pumpkin and my daughter says, "you know dad Aggies really shouldn't carve pumpkins since they are orange."

All of you should not be shocked that Amy Winehouse died. With as much drugs as she reportedly did, you should be shocked that she lived as long as she did.

Isn't ironic that Michael Jackson died at 2:10 pm, where the big hand touches the little hand?

Why Yes She Was Born On The Bayou

As many of you may know by now, I have come out and told the entire world how I feel about a certain woman named Miley (and no not the 20 year hill billy redneck offspring to a one hit wonder country singer). I plan on writing some more about her over time seeing as how the cat is out of the bag.

This is a story that I wrote on her blog as a guest post from a year ago when she was busy with school. The story is a summation of our first date from back on April 17 2008. I will maybe one day write more about that night at a later date, but I wanted to tell you this specific story about our conversation from that night.

As I found out that she was from “south Louisiana”, I knew the odds were good that I would find comedy gold in her life story (and when I say south Louisiana think about the movie ‘The Waterboy’). I was not in the least disappointed in what transpired. Here is the story unfiltered from her blog:



Hi my name is Mr. Glasses (aka Oilfield Trash) and I am filling in for Miley as she has been away due to being hella busy with school and being ill. So I decided to write a nice little piece for her since she is too busy to write these days.


As much as Miley says she is not bayou (i.e. coonass, Cajun, or insert your other favorite adjective) and that her family came over on a different boat, I am here to tell you that she is indeed bayou.


The first time I met Miley was in a bar. We had decided to meet there as it was halfway between my place and hers and there was also an 80’s band playing there (she likes 80’s music and I am a thoughtful jackass like that). So we met up and got drinks and went out to the back of the bar (there was a smoking section there) to talk.


She told me that she was from Baton Rouge and I asked her if she had a pet alligator growing up, and she reached across the table and thumped me. I was like “hmm women only get mad when you hit a nerve or something. There must be some truth to this.” As it turns out she has a huge moat, well bayou behind her house that does have alligators in it. 

A young Miley with her obvious pet alligator.

Later on I asked her if she rode the short bus, and she thumped me again on the forehead. And then she explained that she had indeed ridden a short bus to school on more than one occasion but it was because there were very few people who needed a lift to school in the area. This in hindsight is complete bullshit as I visited the house where she grew up in and that damn neighborhood is fucking huge. 

Actual picture of young Miley in front of said short bus

Later in the evening she has been drinking and is opening up more (no not her pants you bunch of damn pervs) and she proceeds to tell me about how her mom sucks in picking men to marry. And that her dad and her previous step dad are like 5th or 6th cousins. And that her mom had 2 kids with each man. That means her half brothers are also her cousins so I was like, “Dude you have Brousins.” Brousins as a word has since been trademarked by me.


After some more time goes by she tells me that her grandparents lived in what was the lower 9th ward in New Orleans and that they had at some point (pre Korean War) financed the purchase of a cow through a bank. I can almost see the Chik-fil-a commercial now, “Eat More Bank Financed Chicken.” Who in the hell finances a cow? A coonass finances a cow, that’s who.


After all of those stories I had been told and heard with my own ears (yes she can even talk bayou), I pronounced to her that she was fully fledged bayou and 1 story away from having starring role in the sequel to the movie “The Water Boy”. She disagreed with me and tried to protest but I knew in my heart that she was bayou. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bayou at all, she just refuses to accept it since she is 200 miles removed from the bayou. But trust me when I say she is bayou.


Don’t believe me? Well I went to her hometown to spend the night in the house she grew up in (i.e. her momma’s house) before we were to take a road trip together the next day. I was shocked at what I saw. As it was just days after Christmas I had to check the tree. Yes you guessed it; there was crawfish, shrimp, and alligator ornaments on the tree. One of the stockings near the tree was Cajun themed. Even a couple of the dish towels were Cajun themed. Hell the whole house was Cajun themed.


As much as she denies it here on her blog and in real life, she is as coonass as they come. Don’t believe her for a minute. She may have run away from Baton Rouge, but let me tell you this much, “You can take the girl out of the bayou, but you can’t take the bayou out of the girl.”


Well there is part of the story of the first date that I had with Miley. She is so going to kick my ass when she sees that I have posted this. Someone send out a search party for my body if your comments to this don’t appear within 5-6 hours.

Oh and here is a recent picture of her holding another alligator. 

I would like to add that she wrote a response to this story, but I will maybe save that for another day because it takes away from the funny of this post.

Spam. And Not The Kind You Can Eat On A Sammich.

Have you ever noticed that we get a shit load of spam emails these days? This spam seems to come from all kinds of mindless people in hopes of getting us to order some kind of wonder drug, spay/neuter our mother, donate money to a Nigerian prince, or get an online degree in proctology.

I seem to get spam pretty bad now and I am not sure why. This seems to mainly happen on my personal email address (no thanks Yahoo) and not on my work email (thanks IT guys). Maybe the fact that one is free and the other is not so free might have something to do with it.

So I think I should share some of these lovely spam emails with you.


Zoloft Health Alert – a nice little email asking if I had taken Zoloft. Don’t “they” have records of all of the people who took it? And if I did take wouldn’t I feel more happy about it?

Yourscorechecker – this was a nice little email reminding me to check out my credit score today. Now normally this is something I would need to know if all of my credit cards weren’t maxed the fuck out.

X-Ray Technician Training – now I would normally not be interested in doing this as a career because I would be too afraid of fucking up, but how fun to would it be to take the x-rays of idiots who get stuff stuck up their shitholes that don’t belong there?

United States Postal Service – this was an email telling me that the letters I had sent were undeliverable and that I needed to click on their link to find them. Now it might just be me but I can’t ever remember the post office emailing me the last time they lost my car note.

BackToSchool – these people say that I can go back to school while at work. Now if I was doing online classes while at work, wouldn’t that interfere with being a smartass on Facebook?

Affordablecellphoneplans – this email promised to save me tons of money on a cell phone plan. Thanks guys but I am already saving a ton of money on a cell phone plan seeing as how my work has been paying my cell phone bill for a decade now.

Christian Singles Site – ok this one promises that they can find me a Christian single woman. But I have already prayed for one CERTAIN Christian single woman, didn’t they get that message from upstairs?

Free Sample Men’s Supplement – this guy promised me that if I took his company’s pills I could “rise to the occasion” and “make her cum over and over again”. Thanks guy for trying to help me out but I don’t even need to take my clothes off to make the woman I love come.

Solar Installation Jobs – this woman promised to find me a job installing solar panels. Was this part of the president’s “green jobs” plan? How many people can afford these things because I don’t know anyone in the ghetto that I live in that can afford solar power?

Rental Property Search – this company promises to help me “narrow down” my apartment search. Now out of all of the spam I have gotten, this one is one that I actually need.

Latinos Online Dating – this guy promised to find me some “hot latin men”. Well shit is this what I am doing wrong and why I am single? I don’t think so Pedro, I am not gay and I am not interested in “latin men”. Now if you want to send me some “hot latin women” maybe we can work out something.

Classmates.com – they wanted to remind me that I have 56 people from the class of 93’ that are searching for me. They also wanted to remind me that they are still running $5.99 a month specials for access to their site. Now I could be mistaken but I think those 56 people who are searching for me found me on that free website out there called FACEBOOK.

Myspace.com – they emailed me to say that I had a message from someone. Ok I hadn’t been on there in years so I went to the site and logged in. I didn’t have an email but I was able to stalk err I mean visit some people who had deleted me from facebook. I was also able to see some really old pictures of Miley (she hadn’t deleted me there-yay) that I had not seen in years. Some of those pictures were HAUGHT.

Social Work Training – now this company guarantees I could get accepted into a school for social work. Little do they know that so many social workers have been to my home, that they already gave me an honorary license in Texas.

Your Dream Job – I think this one goes without saying, but they say they can get me my dream job. Can I get paid to lay in bed and let a woman (ie Miley) run her fingers through my hair all day for 8 hours a day? Or getting paid for getting a bj? Catch my drift, those types of jobs don’t exist.

Bathroom Remodel – I am lost by this one that offered to “pimp my throne room” as I live in a rental unit duplex in the hood. And I am not paying for shit to be done to this forsaken place that not even the land lord gives a rats ass about.



Well I guess that is enough of a sample of some of the fucktarded spam emails that I get.

I have noticed that sites like Facebook make the ads that you see match stuff that you post about. If the net and websites like Facebook, hopefully the spammers out there will catch up as well.

Thoughts Of A Jackass #6

Well it is beyond time for another edition of “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you guys some of my wonderful thoughts and attempts at humor which I post on Facebook.


I wonder if there are at least 5 people alive in America who actually get excited about having hamburger helper for dinner.

Olive Garden's commercials say, "When you are here, you are family." Well if I am there and I am family, why the fuck am I having to pay for dinner?

I have a new medical procedure that will replace the invasive Lapband procedures to help people lose weight. My procedure will only cost $99.99 for me to perform for patients and during clinical trials has a 100% success rate. I will handcuff the patient’s hands behind their back and place a ball gag in their mouth. You can’t down a bag of Doritos with your hands behind your back and your mouth closed.

We have a new kitten in the house now thanks to my daughter. This is not what I was wanting when I prayed for some pussy.

On this day I am thankful that fresh boiled crawfish has returned to my area.

Herman Cain just defended his latest sexual harassment allegation by saying, "All I asked her to do was order me a pizza and hold the sausage."

So Halloween last night was a success. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups, bibles, miniature Jack Daniels bottles, Chia Pets, and candy apples. I told each kid to pick one and only one. You should have seen the kids and their parents faces at the choices they made.

A year that ends without the Yankees in the World Series is not such a bad year.

I am pretty sure Amanda Knox won't be eating at Olive Garden anytime soon.

So this morning I had to use my sons Axe body wash since I ran out of my brand. I am still waiting for women to jump through the wall to smell me. Damn false advertising.

How come you never see any homeless people drinking Gatorade?

The other night I watched the movie "The Road" and liked it. But when I feel asleep I dreamed that a group of zombie women were out to get me. The twist in my dream was that these women screwed you before they ate your brains. That's normal right?

Anytime you don't feel special, remember: You could have been a blow job.

Do deaf kids sign with their mouths full while they are eating??

In honor of Halloween, today I came to work dressed up as someone who gives a crap.

Facebook really needs to have a brutally honest day where you can tell someone what you really think. Example: "Look lady you are not single because you can't find a man. You are single because you are a bitch and you have held so much cock in your life that you have been given an honorary degree in Urology from Baylor College of Medicine."

Ladies if you are going to get on a dating site and tell the world you have four kids and you are under the age of 30, you don't need to fill out the "hobbies" section of your profile. It is pretty obvious what your hobby is.

Until next time friends….

Lee Corso Is My New Hero

I am not sure if you know exactly who Lee Corso is, but he is one of the hosts on ESPN’s College Game Day show. If you don’t know what ESPN is then please remove your head from your ass, unless of course you are outside of America and then it is ok if you don’t what ESPN is.

College Game Day is a show that airs on ESPN each Saturday morning during the college football season. ESPN picks one game each week and the show travels to the location of the game. And they have previews of the day’s game.

The show has three regular guys on it and they also have a “celebrity” from one of the two schools which are playing in the game that they are at. Right before the show is over the four people pick who they think the winner of the game will be. And Le Corso normally does some crazy shit when he picks his winner like he will put on the head of the schools mascot that he picks to win or some other crazy thing.

Thousands of people show up each week at the site where the show is set up for the week. People line up at 2am to get a spot close to the stage. No I am not kidding. I personally know people who have done this.

I have been watching this show for years and honestly can’t remember when I started watching it, but I do know that I really enjoy the banter on the show.

So why am I telling you all of this? Well this past Saturday ESPN College Game Day was on the campus of my university. Yep that is right; ESPN was at the University Of Houston to broadcast live on ESPN, and to also pick the winner of their game with SMU.

In case you don’t remember I went to college at UofH and if you remember I took my kids to their Spring Game (and I knew back in April that this year would be special). I have always been a fan of UofH even before I went there for college and will remain a fan for life.

Which brings me to why Lee Corso is my new found hero, here is the video of the last minute of College Game Day live from UofH.



Yes you heard it correctly, at around 1:05 Lee Corso looks like he is going to pick SMU by picking up a megaphone with SMU written on it, and then he throws it away and says “Ah Fuck It” and puts on the head of Shasta (the UofH Cougar and our mascot) and picks UofH to win. He said “Ah Fuck It” and picked my school to win.

Watch the video again. And again. Watch the response from the guys on either side of Lee Corse. Yes this video is just that great.

Lee Corso says “Ah Fuck It” live on ESPN.

THIS IS FUCKING CLASSIC.

This 2 minute stretch of video that I watched live on Saturday morning made my whole day. I felt so good inside that this tomfoolery took place where I went to college. UofH has never really gotten much attention the last 2 decades so it was nice to see them host College Game Day.

What makes it even better is that at a game earlier in the season against Rice University, all of the students wore red shirts that said “Ruck Fice”. Maybe Lee Corso knew this and acted in his best judgment in what he said, in any case he is my new hero.

Oh and my Cougars beat SMU’s ass 37-7 to become 11-0 on the season and have moved up to Number 8 in the latest BCS rankings.

“Ah Fuck It” is my new saying.

This picture was at College Game Day and it is of a boy dressed and painted to look like the Heisman Trophy in support of Kase Keenum’s run at winning the trophy.

Roast The Warlock

I am not sure if you know this or not, but tonight on Comedy Central they are showing the Roast Of Charlie Sheen.

Now most of you know that I am a fan of Charlie Sheen (after all I have written about him here, here, here, here, and here) so you know that I will be watching this.

I am also a fan of the Comedy Central Roast’s as they are normally pretty damn funny. I saw the preview for the Charlie Sheen Roast and it looked good.

I really love the Roast’s that Comedy Central does because they tend be pretty damn funny and truthful all at the same time. I mean look at the one that they did for Pam Anderson where they all made fun of Courtney Love because she was completely shitfaced.

In addition to having everyone make fun of each other, the Roast’s also donate money to charity that is raised through the event. On a side note I wonder what kind of charity Charlie Sheen is donating the money to? Blow for Lindsay? Recycle used stripper poles? Cheap button up shirts for the homeless?

Well whatever charity this cornucopia of insults generates one thing is true, this roast will be pretty damn funny.

And don’t you think it is ironic that this roast is airing at the same exact time on the same exact as the first episode of Two And A Half Men without Charlie in it is airing on CBS? I could tell you which one I will be watching, but chances are you already know which one I will be watching.

The Hookers Union

I ended up going out on Thursday night with a few friends for beers and dinner so I didn’t have time to write a proper original post. So to make up for it here is a great little email joke that I got a while back that illustrates that not all unions are a good thing.


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,” she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.”

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 5

Well it has been a couple of months since my last post in my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” so here is another installment. This series is where I take some of my jackass Facebook posts and share them with you.

I just spent all day removing a virus from my laptop. It got a virus last night while I was reading a news story about Congressman Weiner. Even the news about him is infectious.

Am I the only one who has the urge to rip the speaker off the top of ice cream trucks when they roll through the neighborhood?

Hey menfolk, if you want to keep a woman from going through your cell phone, just rename it "kitchen" then it is almost guaranteed that no woman will go in it.

I think the powers that be need to invent a spray for wasps that does not kill them, but rather makes them leave your house and go to your neighbor’s house and sting them.

If I get married again I am going to Lake Charles instead of Vegas.

After -re-watching the US Women's world cup soccer game yesterday against North Korea, I must say I feel sorry for the people of that oppressed country. I mean how good can life be there when your country makes all the women on the soccer team have the same exact hair cut.

Happy-You-Knocked-Up-The-Wrong-Woman-Day.

If ABC was smart, they would have put Charilie Sheen on Dancing With The Stars....

I miss football so bad I am watching a Canadian Football League game.

I am curious to know which day of the week more people quit their jobs on. I am pretty sure it is Monday.

Walmart finally has the oral health isle figured out. They had toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and feminine products all on the same isle during my last visit.

Now that his term as governor is over does this mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to go back to making shitty b-rated action movies?

It should be mandatory in this country that in order to get a driver’s license you should be able to prove that you can walk through a crowded Walmart without walking into people and their baskets. If you can't do that you have no fucking business driving on the roadways.

If our country really wanted to stop the terrorists cold in their tracks, all the US has to do is make a 100 woman army made up of pissed off ex-wives along with 1 divorce attorney and drop them into where the terrorists are. The war would be over in days.

Did my ears deceive me just now? I thought I heard the guy on Fox say that an Astros player was playing in the All Star Game. Surely he can't be serious.

"Imma let you finish your trial Casey Anthony, but OJ Simpson's not guilty verdict was better" - Kanye West

Apparently I Am An Addict.

My kids tell me I spend too much time on the computer. Well I probably do. But they say it is not the computer, but rather Facebook that I spend too much time on.

Last Friday I was on Facebook before leaving work, I noticed that one of the local sports radio stations was doing a giveaway on Facebook.

They said, “like this picture and be one of the first 100 to do so and we will have a drawing for a free copy of the Playstation 3 game MLB2K11.” So I “liked” it and got off the computer and proceeded home.

After eating dinner late Friday night I got on Facebook to check things out. It was then that I noticed a post from said radio station saying, “Congrats to Oilfield Trash, you have won the giveaway. Please call 555-UWon to come and claim your game.”

I jumped up and screamed, “hell to the YEA!!!!”

I then decided I needed to send my kids an email telling them how I got paid to be on Facebook and that I had won the game (because after all they will play said game with me).

This is the actual email I sent to the kids.


Biggie and Sissy,


I don't want you to ever say anything about your dad being on facebook again. Why, because I just won a PS3 video game "MLB 2K11" from a local sports radio stations Facebook page. So take that you two for hating on your dad for being on facebook.


Peace, Love, and free video games!!!!


Love, dad.


My son emailed me back and told me that it was cool that I had won the game and he can’t wait to play it with me when he gets back from vacation. He also apologized for saying I was addicted to Facebook.

Dad 1, Brats 0.

The Triple Nipple

People with an extra nipple are nothing new. Many people over the years have had an extra nipple on their chest or torso area.

Well this woman has a nipple in a new area. She has a third nipple and it is on the bottom of one of her feet.

Now I have heard of “pussy footing around” but I have never heard of “nipple footing around”.

Yes I said she has an actual nipple on the bottom of her foot.

I bet she never gets turned down when she asks for a foot massage. Hell I bet she even has guys (and even ladies) begging to give her a foot massage.

Can you imagine the shock and look on the little Asian ladies face at the nail salon when she goes and gets a pedi?

I wonder if it hurts her when she is walking around outside when it is cold.

Can you imagine having her on the bed with her legs over your shoulders, you could pinch two nipples and suck on the third at the same time.

Ok I will stop with the nasty jokes.

He’s A Chip Off Of The Block As Well

Last week I told you about how my daughter sent me a funny email. Well I also recently got one from my son as well.

He sent me one the other day with a picture of a pimped out car attached. He was all excited to show me this car since he loves cars and he also loves the University Of Texas.

The email was good in and of itself as it was the picture and a little bit of small talk, but that was not the funny part. You see my son had not only sent the email to me, but he had also copied his mom, and my brother in the email.

It was at that moment that I had noticed that my wonderful son had listed me in his address book as “step dad”, as well as his uncle as “step uncle”, and his mom as “step mom”.

That little shit does have a sense of humor. One that is just like mine.

I guess this means he is indeed my son and I need to stop that DNA test to try and get out of paying child support.

She’s A Chip Off The Old Block

So my kids have been up at their grandparents in Atlanta for the last three weeks and I have been missing them. I couldn’t take my normal month of vacation off from work to spend it with them this year due to stuff beyond my control and it is severely depressing to me.

So for the last year I have been teaching my kids the joys of email and how to use it as a great form of communication when separated by long distances. Occasions like now when they are 790 miles away from me.

So yesterday evening I got the following email from my daughter.


Dad,


I am the ruler of what?


Bacon!


You never forget that or else!


Bacon lovers unite!


I love bacon and you may to but not as much as me!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you see that? It is bacon!


Never forget that I am the ruler of Bacon!


Bye.


Peace, love and bacon.
* My Bacon*


You see I love bacon and I think my love for it got passed through my DNA to my daughter. The ironic thing about the email was when I received said email I was eating some leftover bacon pizza that I brought home from work that day.

So I guess I have taught her well.

Next I think I will teach her about my love of Brazilian BBQ restaurants. And maybe when she is around 40 I teach her about my love for Patron.

I Am A Guest Posting Fool!

So I have been getting a few requests lately to do some guest posts for a few people. And well I have been extremely busy lately at work and finally got some free time to get around to writing some guest posts for a couple of people.

Yesterday (sorry I didn't have time on Monday to link it up on Monday's post) I had a guest post go up for Rosie over at Hello Rosie where I wrote about “How Meridian Mississippi Saved My Life” so you should go show Rosie some love and check out my guest post.

And today I have a guest post up for Mynx over at Dribble about the first time I had ever met some Australians in person. So please also go check Mynx and my post over there.

As for the rest of you who have asked me for a guest post, please be patient as I am working six days a week and twelve hours a day so it will take me a little time to write up some great guest posts.

So please go check out Rosie and Mynx places for my guest posts today.

Operation

Did you ever play the board game Operation when you were younger? I played the game a lot as a kid.

I even played it when I got older in high school and college. The fun of this game was never lost on me. Hell we even turned it into a drinking game.

Then for someone reason I quit playing the game as I got older.

When my kids were old enough to play it, I went out and bought one. I loved playing it with them and watching them freak out when they would set off the alarm. We played that game until it broke and for some reason never got another one. Maybe it got replaced with Playstation and to be honest I can’t remember.

Then last week one of my friends sent me an email on Facebook with a picture attached that she had taken in a Walmart.

The picture was this one below.

Holy Fuck, they make a Family Guy version of Operation.

Needless to say I will be buying one of these on payday. I will let you know how it turns out.

Don’t Mind Me, I Am Busy Reading

The UPS guy was nice enough to deliver and leave a package on my porch yesterday.

You see I bought this new book online yesterday from Amazon and I have been eagerly waiting for it to come so I can read it.

This book is the mother of all self help books.

Basically this book will help you with anything that is wrong with you whether or not you actually have a problem.

More to the point, this book is the best book ever written in recorded history.

No it is not a bible.

What is this great book you ask?

The book is called “Understanding Women. Volume 1”

The only problem with the book that I can see so far is that it was written by a woman. This explains why it is 12,745 pages long, written in very fine small print, and also not available on Kindle.

I will be back in six or so months to write a review for you.

Wild Thing Was On The Juice

I have made it no secret that I think Charlie Sheen is cool or at least used to be before he went off of the deep and lost his job. I also have told you that you can party like Charlie and how he made a cocaine tour stop here in Houston.

Well one thing I have never told you is that I used to think he was a good actor. You know the kind of actor I am talking about, the ones who really put themselves into their role. Like how an actor who plays a homeless person will live on the streets for a while to get the real life experience or how an actor will gain weight to portray an overweight person.On a side not I would like to know what Natalie Portman did to prepare for that lesbian scene in Black Swan.

Well I am here to tell you that Charlie hooked on drugs Sheen is one of those actors. According to the paper yesterday back when they were filming the movie Major League, Charlie was on steroids for six weeks to improve his pitching.

He increased the speed of his fast ball from 79 to 85 miles per hour which is why he took the steroids in the first place, to make your movie more realistic.

Apparently steroids do work and help pitchers. If it helped Charlie so much, I wonder how much steroids helped Roger Clemens?

So there you have it, Charlie Sheen is a good method actor who researches his roles. But you already knew that since he played a drunk manwhore on Two And A Half Men although I thought I would just remind you.

We need more method actors like that.I am talking to you Lindsay Lohan.

My Weiner Has A First Name

It is Anthony.

You remember that song for the Oscar Meyer hot dogs right?

Anyways, if you did not already know it Congressman Anthony Weiner (no joke here that is really his name) was recently busted for sending naughty pictures of his weiner to a large number of ladies across America.

First it came out that he had sent a topless picture of himself to a college student in Washington State. When that hit the news, Weiner said that his phone was hacked and someone sent it to the lady.

Then he came out of said that the picture was not him and that someone stole his phone and sent it. Yet he never contacted police.

A week later it came out that he sent more nekkid pictures of himself to a woman here in Texas. He then denied it and said that it was not him.

Later on he said the picture may have been him, but someone else had sent it.

After another week more women came forward with pictures of his weiner that Weiner had sent to them. One woman even had a transcript of his yahoo chat with him.

Weiner then came out and admitted that he had lied the whole time and that he was sorry he had done it. What he meant to say was that he was sorry that he got caught.

He then said he was going to check himself into rehab for what happened. I laughed because I did not know that they could treat “dumbass” in rehab. He should have taken his 534 colleagues from Congress with him if they can indeed treat “dumbass”.

And a couple of weeks ago Weiner resigned from Congress.

Now I am not mad at him for sending pictures of his weiner to ladies, I mean whatever floats your boat. I am not even mad at him for lying to the public during his press conference. I mean if you look at the job description for a politician it has lie, cheat, and steal as numbers one through three for their responsibilities.

I am mad at him for not being a better liar. I mean we hold politicians to a very high standard of lying here in this country. His lies were pretty weak in my opinion. He went through the trouble to lie to the American people, why didn’t he lie to the women he was sending a picture of his weiner to? Hasn’t this guy ever heard of a fake yahoo email address or about lying about who you are online? You could lie to us but not the skanks you emailed your weiner to? Weiner has no common sense when it comes to lying and this is why he should have resigned instead the reasons he listed for doing so.

I am also a little mad at him because he was married. He has a smoking hot wife at home and he was sexting with multiple women and taking pictures of his weiner and sending it to them. If I was married to that hot lady, my penis would never be out of her vagina long enough to take a picture of it. Here is another man in a position of power cheating on his lady (yes what he did is cheating in my book), and a beautiful lady at that. Sheesh.

I do find all of this very funny though given that his last name is Weiner. You couldn’t write better shit than this if you were comedian. On a side note, Anthony Weiner looks a lot like Beavis don't you think?

Hey You! Yes You, Check Out This Blog.

I want all of you Trashy readers to go check out a blog that I follow which is very well written and pretty funny.

The blog is “Just The Cheese” written by Powder Toast Man. The blog is a lot like mine in the humor sense and he writes about “randomness at its best and reviews you can’t use”.

Anyway Powdered Toast Man was in college this past semester and did not have much time to blog and lost a lot of his readers, so I am trying to lure you fine people over to his blog.

Right now he has a really good series which just started over at his blog which is battle of the Sesame Street Characters.

So stop by his blog and show him some love as his blog is pretty good and funny as well.

Thanks a lot.

Fathers Day Gifts

Well in case you didn’t know it, Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday. So now is the time to get yourself up off of the couch and get your dad a nice little something for Father’s Day.

I am here to help you give you a little advice in getting your dad a gift. Now this advice is not for buying a dead beat douche bag father a gift. This advice is for getting a gift for the fathers out there that have and continue to handle their business. And chances are since he is such a hard working man; he is not appreciated throughout the year so make this gift a nice one.

Now if you are buying your dad a gift or if you are a woman buying your husband a gift from you and the kids whatever you do follow this advice. Do not under any circumstances buy him a god damned neck tie. Seriously no man likes and enjoys wearing a tie; men only wear them when they have to wear them. You show me a man who enjoys wearing a neck tie and I will show you a man who needs a vasectomy performed by me kicking him in the balls. Women don’t like to wear tampons because they want to; they wear them because they have to. Now you wouldn’t buy a woman a box of tampons for Mother’s Day would you? So don’t even think about buying a neck tie for your dad for Father’s Day.

Since neck ties are out, you should get your dad something that he likes. You should already know what you dad likes, and if you don’t shame on you.

If he likes to fish, get him some fishing related stuff or get him a gift card to some place like Academy or Bass Pro Shops. If he likes movies, get him a Netflix membership or a gift card so he can buy some movies. Basically what I am saying is that you should get him something that he actually likes and that is practical in the sense that he will actually use it.

In addition to getting him a gift, you should also cook him his favorite meal. Or take him out to his favorite restaurant to eat. And let him be completely lazy on Father’s Day as well. He should not have to do anything at all but be lazy and enjoy the day.

And if you can’t find him a decent gift, then you could always get him a gift card to his favorite strip club so he can get a lap dance and some beer since chances are if he is married he isn’t getting any love at home. You know because nothing says Happy Fathers Day like a lap dance and a nine dollar Bud Light.

So there you have it, happy shopping!

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 4

Here is another post from my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” where I share with you some of my funny or smart ass posts on Facebook.

I was in Game Stop last night with the kids when I noticed that they had a "Michael Jackson:The Experience" PS3 game. How can it be a Michael Jackson game and not come with Jesus juice, one glove, a monkey, and an inflatable 9 year old boy?

I think all of the people who are against abortion should be forced to eat dinner at least once in their life at a Cici's Pizza.

For those of you that are sad that the rapture didn't come, cheer up it's not the end of the world.

I wonder if Arnold Schwarzenegger would have made his mistress have an abortion would he have said right after the procedure, "Hasta La Vista, Baby".

No rapture huh? There went my plan of looting Specs Liquor and Best Buy.

Ladies and gentlemen, that sound you hear is thunder. The stuff you see falling from the sky is rain. Yes I know these two events combined are something you have not seen in many many months, but it is not the end of the world.

Post rapture party starts tonight around 7pm at a yet to be determined strip club since I am fairly certain the strippers will still be here after 6pm.

Dear Monday, can you please do all of us a favor and go fuck yourself. Thanks.

If Muslims could smell this ham that is cooking in my oven, I am pretty sure they would re-think that whole "I can't eat a pig" thing.

After being outside playing with my kids all day I have come to a conclusion. They really need to make Big Wheels for adults.

Al-Qaida on Friday confirmed the killing of Osama bin Laden and warned of retaliation, saying Americans' "happiness will turn to sadness". - I was married once; there is nothing that Al-Qaida can do to me that was worse than my marriage.

These rain clouds are more teasing than a stripper in the club on a Friday night. Do I have to wave a few dollar bills to get some rain?

How is Christina Aquilera on a damn singing show when she can't even sing a simple song like the National Anthem?

The only thing the damn Easter Bunny left me was the bill for all of the shit the kids got and the bill for the meal that I have to cook. Thanks you little fucker, when I catch you I am making stew out of your ass.

I wonder if Muslim men get to see their future bride without the burka on before the wedding. I mean imagine the surprise when you get home after the wedding, and pull off the burka for the first time, and she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker on a bad day.

Well until next time…..