Why Yes She Was Born On The Bayou

As many of you may know by now, I have come out and told the entire world how I feel about a certain woman named Miley (and no not the 20 year hill billy redneck offspring to a one hit wonder country singer). I plan on writing some more about her over time seeing as how the cat is out of the bag.

This is a story that I wrote on her blog as a guest post from a year ago when she was busy with school. The story is a summation of our first date from back on April 17 2008. I will maybe one day write more about that night at a later date, but I wanted to tell you this specific story about our conversation from that night.

As I found out that she was from “south Louisiana”, I knew the odds were good that I would find comedy gold in her life story (and when I say south Louisiana think about the movie ‘The Waterboy’). I was not in the least disappointed in what transpired. Here is the story unfiltered from her blog:



Hi my name is Mr. Glasses (aka Oilfield Trash) and I am filling in for Miley as she has been away due to being hella busy with school and being ill. So I decided to write a nice little piece for her since she is too busy to write these days.


As much as Miley says she is not bayou (i.e. coonass, Cajun, or insert your other favorite adjective) and that her family came over on a different boat, I am here to tell you that she is indeed bayou.


The first time I met Miley was in a bar. We had decided to meet there as it was halfway between my place and hers and there was also an 80’s band playing there (she likes 80’s music and I am a thoughtful jackass like that). So we met up and got drinks and went out to the back of the bar (there was a smoking section there) to talk.


She told me that she was from Baton Rouge and I asked her if she had a pet alligator growing up, and she reached across the table and thumped me. I was like “hmm women only get mad when you hit a nerve or something. There must be some truth to this.” As it turns out she has a huge moat, well bayou behind her house that does have alligators in it. 

A young Miley with her obvious pet alligator.

Later on I asked her if she rode the short bus, and she thumped me again on the forehead. And then she explained that she had indeed ridden a short bus to school on more than one occasion but it was because there were very few people who needed a lift to school in the area. This in hindsight is complete bullshit as I visited the house where she grew up in and that damn neighborhood is fucking huge. 

Actual picture of young Miley in front of said short bus

Later in the evening she has been drinking and is opening up more (no not her pants you bunch of damn pervs) and she proceeds to tell me about how her mom sucks in picking men to marry. And that her dad and her previous step dad are like 5th or 6th cousins. And that her mom had 2 kids with each man. That means her half brothers are also her cousins so I was like, “Dude you have Brousins.” Brousins as a word has since been trademarked by me.


After some more time goes by she tells me that her grandparents lived in what was the lower 9th ward in New Orleans and that they had at some point (pre Korean War) financed the purchase of a cow through a bank. I can almost see the Chik-fil-a commercial now, “Eat More Bank Financed Chicken.” Who in the hell finances a cow? A coonass finances a cow, that’s who.


After all of those stories I had been told and heard with my own ears (yes she can even talk bayou), I pronounced to her that she was fully fledged bayou and 1 story away from having starring role in the sequel to the movie “The Water Boy”. She disagreed with me and tried to protest but I knew in my heart that she was bayou. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bayou at all, she just refuses to accept it since she is 200 miles removed from the bayou. But trust me when I say she is bayou.


Don’t believe me? Well I went to her hometown to spend the night in the house she grew up in (i.e. her momma’s house) before we were to take a road trip together the next day. I was shocked at what I saw. As it was just days after Christmas I had to check the tree. Yes you guessed it; there was crawfish, shrimp, and alligator ornaments on the tree. One of the stockings near the tree was Cajun themed. Even a couple of the dish towels were Cajun themed. Hell the whole house was Cajun themed.


As much as she denies it here on her blog and in real life, she is as coonass as they come. Don’t believe her for a minute. She may have run away from Baton Rouge, but let me tell you this much, “You can take the girl out of the bayou, but you can’t take the bayou out of the girl.”


Well there is part of the story of the first date that I had with Miley. She is so going to kick my ass when she sees that I have posted this. Someone send out a search party for my body if your comments to this don’t appear within 5-6 hours.

Oh and here is a recent picture of her holding another alligator. 

I would like to add that she wrote a response to this story, but I will maybe save that for another day because it takes away from the funny of this post.

Three. Little. Words.

I know I have perhaps been a little different lately in what I have been picking and choosing to write about. But you will have to just forgive me and get over it as I am getting sappy these days.

What I am writing is not just how I feel, but this is also a life lesson. A learning experience. Maybe even a life saving story. You should take this story into your heart and head and understand it. Pass it on. Spread the word about it.

This story of my experiences lately should help you or someone you may know.

A few weeks ago I told all of you that I was not currently in a relationship with Miley and I also did not explain why. I am not going to get into the details of what happened, but I am going to tell you the main reason why we are not together.

I never told her that I loved her.

Yes that is correct.

I never said to her face “I LOVE YOU”.

Should I have said it to her face? Yes I should have said it to her a long time ago as in years ago.

Did she know I loved her? Yes she knew I loved her. But she still wanted to hear and see me at the same time say “I LOVE YOU”. Women apparently need verbal communication.

Why didn’t I say that I love you to her? Well the short and sweet answer is that I was scared, scared of getting hurt. You see I have a huge wall around my heart (think Castle wall), with a moat, and a draw bridge. And every single time I have ever even remotely opened up the castle gate, I have gotten my heart crushed by a woman who cheated on me or did something just as bad or worse as cheating. Think of it as a proverbial Trojan Horse, where the woman was the horse and she was full of evil soldiers out to kill me off and do me harm. And I let her in every time expecting a different result and getting murdered by the soldiers inside the Trojan Horse.

Sounds kind of dumb huh? Well it may have been, but I put up a wall to keep even the remote chance of getting hurt to a minimum.

All while I was busy putting up a wall to keep Miley out, all Miley wanted to do was love me. She wanted to fix what was wrong with my world. Her Trojan Horse was full of bunny rabbits, rainbows, butterflies, chocolate, beer, and all kinds of other things which happiness is made. At the same time I thought Miley’s Trojan Horse was full of ninja’s trying to suck the life out of my soul and stab me. And as a result of having my wall up, I never told her I loved her.

We had all kinds of other little problems going on, which had I told her one time I loved her, she would have overlooked the problems and she would still be with me today.

I have since told her millions of times that I love her. And she is probably extremely tired of me saying it, but she listens just the same now sometimes.

My lesson to all of you out there is this. If you love someone, TELL THEM. TELL THEM MULTIPLE TIMES.

I don’t care if it is your child, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friend, a boy or girl you are interested in: IF you LOVE THEM, open your damn mouth and TELL THEM.

It does not hurt saying it, especially after you say it the first time. Trust me on this.

This lesson I am teaching you is just as valid for women as it is for men.

I know that lots of people have trouble saying those three little words. However, I am now no longer one of them.This story will have an updated future happy ending post.

Miley, I love you!

The Day I Quit Smoking

Well I used to smoke. Yes I said I used to smoke. Last Wednesday November 23rd I quit smoking. Well it was actually late last Tuesday night that I quit, but who is counting right. It has been one whole week ago today since I have had a cigarette. And I feel GREAT. Scratch that, I feel FUCKING GREAT!!!!!!!!!

So since I am in such an awesome mood over this achievement I have decided to tell you the story of one of the greatest days in my life.

I started my ten day break from work on Friday November 17th and I had long ago decided that sometime during my ten days off that I needed to quit smoking. I told all of my family and friends to ignore the Asshole that I was sure to become while trying give up smoking.

So on Tuesday night November 22nd after going to church for the annual Thanksgiving feast, I smoked my last cigarette and went to bed around 2-3am. Prior to going to bed I prayed for some strength (to quit and help me), and then I passed out.

I woke up Wednesday morning to sunshine coming through my window. I got up, took a shower, ate some breakfast, and watched a little tv. I did not have an urge to smoke. Not one urge. Even when I went outside for the first time, I had no urge.

After some time I had to leave the house to run to my bank to get a new debit card as my kids had lost my card somewhere in my house. I drove to the bank and had no problems at all. When I got to the bank I noticed this old man standing outside the bank smoking and I just walked right past him. I even thought that the smell was nasty. So after getting my new card, I drove home from the bank and had no urge to smoke. I kept wondering when I was going to break down and want to smoke.

While I was on the way home I noticed how beautiful it truly was outside. There was not a cloud in the sky and it was about 65 degrees outside, we have not had a day like this in a long time here. On my ride home I suddenly decided that I wanted to spend the whole day outside.

When I got home from the bank, I got the entire box of car washing supplies I needed from the shed and I completely washed my car. I took a good two to three hours to completely wash and clean both the inside and outside of my car just to make sure I got the smoke smell out of the car. And after all of that time I did not have an urge to have a smoke. And I was still wondering when I would have the urge to smoke, the cold sweats, and the headaches from the lack of smoking but they never came.

After washing the car I ate a little snack and lounged around outside just enjoying the sunshine. And I did not have an urge. I kept waiting to have an urge to smoke, but said urge never came.

As it started to get dark outside, for some strange reason I shall never know we lost our electricity at home. So I decided to go for a walk with my daughter. We walked together for two miles just talking about life and everything under the sun. She even said as a reward for giving up smoking that I should eat my favorite food that night. So I ordered pizza when we got home from our walk. And I still did not have an urge to smoke.

When we were done with my walk, I noticed how beautiful the sunset was this night. There were tons of different shades of pink, light orange, red, and yellow in the sky. It was just beyond description and had I had my camera nearby I would have taken a picture of it. This was the type of sunset that inspire people.

My daughter and I then went to pick up the pizza from Pizza Hut (they had the best deal that day). When we got there my pizza was not ready yet so we had to sit down inside and wait. Now normally before last week this would have been when I would have gone outside to smoke, but that night I did not even have the urge to. I just sat inside and talked to my daughter while patiently waiting for my dinner. My good mood must have been very apparent because I even got hit on by a young lady while I was sitting there waiting with my daughter. Although I don’t think it was my awesome aura so much as it was she has probably never seen a man interact with his daughter the way I was doing.

My daughter and I went home and ate what must have been the best pizza I have ever had in my life. It tasted beyond wonderful. And after eating I didn’t have a craving to smoke.

Yes I went through this entire perfect day with no cravings at all. I enjoyed the weather outside, I ate, I did things which would normally would have meant I would have been smoking while doing. And yet I didn’t smoke and I didn’t have an urge or craving to even touch a cigarette.

I had tried to quit smoking two previous times one of which was with medication and one was not and both of these attempts were unsuccessful. I had a lot of problems quitting smoking those two times.

Now this might sound crazy to some of you, but hear me out. I was a pack a day smoker for 15 years and I quit COLD TURKEY. No patches, no self help books, no buddy system, no medication, no nothing. The only thing I did was pray about it. And I am pretty sure that I had a few other people (like Miley and my kids) who prayed for me as well.

And this time when I quit smoking, it felt like it was different. It felt to me like it was meant to be that I was quitting cold turkey with no medical help. I felt like I had someone there with me watching over me and helping me. I can’t really explain it to you, but it just felt RIGHT to me. And I was not alone in this struggle.

Now some of you may believe in a higher power and some of you may not. Regardless of your beliefs, I felt like I was being helped on that day by a higher power. I mean how else do you explain quitting cold turkey? Do you know the odds of a cold turkey quitter succeeding (it is like 95% against you), it does not end well most of the time. Although in my case, I was not alone and there was no struggle to this. And the difference this time I quit is that I prayed for it. And it happened.

This was beyond a perfect day for me. So many things went right on this day. And I will have you know that I have had ZERO cigarettes since last Wednesday. And I have not even had the urge to smoke. Sure there were a couple of times in the last week that I was stressed out and really wanted a smoke, but I did not have one.

My Third Best Birthday Ever

One of the things that happened back in October while I was away from blogging was that I had my birthday. Last year when I celebrated my birthday, I told you a great story about my Second Favorite Birthday Ever (if you haven’t read it you really need to go and read it) so this year I am going to tell you about my Third Favorite Birthday that I have ever had.

So let’s flash back to October 2008 when I had just turned 34. A few days after my birthday I went to hang with my then girlfriend/significant other/bayou mama/woman-I-should-be-married-to who had invited me over to her apartment for a day of pampering me where I didn’t have to do anything for myself.

I know what you are asking, who is this woman and why haven't you written about her? Well this amazing woman is named Miley, and you may or may not have seen her comment around her before from time to time. I have written about her once before about our trip to Orlando, but as I am shy I have not done so very much till now.

Anyways, Miley had invited me over to her apartment where I was to be pampered. As soon as I got there I was greeted with a rather large hug and kiss. After some idle chit chat we left her place on a destination unknown.

She drove us in her car to a cool place near her house called “The Main Event” which was a huge indoor entertainment complex. They had bowling, pool, shuffleboard, laser tag, arcade games, and putt putt golf. We ended up playing an epic game of putt putt golf together. I honestly can’t remember who won that day but I am pretty sure that Miley won (and I know one of us still has the score card).

After the game of putt putt she drove us to a Star Bucks so I could get me some coffee as I was extremely tired that day due to working a lot (sounds familiar huh).

After a short drive around to the area we found our way back to her house where she proceeded to cook me dinner. The dinner consisted of a delicious steak sammich and homemade sweet potato fries, both of which left me taking each bite into my mouth and closing my eyes as result. Miley had made dessert but I didn’t even have room for it as the sammich and the fries had MORE than filled me up. Did I mention that Miley burned her hand while cook this dinner? Yes she did.

While eating we ended up talking and watching a movie together. After dinner, I was given my gift which I eagerly opened up. It was a Stars Wars Mr. Potato Head Darth Vader. Now it might seem trivial or nerdy to you (but I don’t really give a rats ass) but it was the perfect gift for me as I love Star Wars and always wanted a Mr. Potato Head and never really had one when I was a kid.

I can’t tell you what happened next, well because this is not an erotic blog and I don’t believe in kissing and telling. But to answer your question, yes I did and yes it was.

This day ended up with me spending a lot of time with Miley that day. And I really enjoyed it as we laughed at each other’s jokes, we made fun of each other, we just simply talked, I was able to relax, and we were in love. This day was just so special and perfect all at the same time as it was just plain and simple (I am very easy to please). We were both happy together, being ourselves.

I could not have asked for a more perfect birthday.

Worldly Wednesdays – Orlando

It has been a while since I posted a Worldly Wednesday post so I think it is about time that I post a new one. If you are new to my blog, this is where I tell you about some of my travels where I get to travel to a nice location (and usually one someone else’s dime). So you should go back and check out some of the other posts from this series to see some of the nice places that I have been lucky enough to travel to.

Back at the end of 2009 I got a chance to travel to Orlando, Florida for New Years with my good friend Miley (who paid for the trip and since tomorrow is her birthday I was ordered obliged to write this post for her).

Why of all places would I go to Orlando for New Years you ask? Well we went because there was a college football game there on New Years Day. And you all know how much of a college football fan that I am. You see my favorite college team is Penn State and they were selected to play in the Capital One Bowl against Miley’s favorite team LSU.

So on Wednesday evening after work, I drove the 4 hour trip from Houston to Baton Rouge to meet Miley at her parents’ house. We crashed the night there since it was too late to start the drive to Orlando that night. The next morning we got up way too early and head to down I-10 to Orlando. On the way there we stopped a few times for coffee and food. I actually told her to “make me a damn sammich” and low and behold she had packed me a damn sammich in the cooler for the trip. And to reward her for the sammich, on the way there I rolled her finger up in the window. No it was an accident and not on purpose. I was trying to roll up my window and accidentally rolled up her window as she was smoking.

Actual broke finger.

After a long ass day of driving (I forget how long it was but it was at least 10 hours) we finally got to Orlando and our hotel which was right near downtown in front of some lake (well there is a shit ton of lakes there). It looked like it was something straight the hell out of Miami Vice because it was all multi-colored and looked like it belonged in Miami. The hotel was decent I guess as it had a huge living room, kitchen, and a big bed room. There was a nice note on the bed side table from the housekeeping staff which asked for feedback and a tip for good service. Now normally I am a good tipper, but when I find 20 pairs of boxer shorts in the dresser left by someone other guest from god fucking knows how long ago, I kind of got the opinion that they don’t clean that well.

 Miami Vice hotel.

So after dumping the bags in the hotel we headed out for dinner and some drinks since it was New Years Eve and all. We ate fried alligator at some cheap sports bar type place and then walked around the block to the block party which the city had set up a few blocks away. We were not really impressed with the party or we were just dead ass tired from the drive into town. Needless to say we were back at the hotel and asleep before long.

I wonder if their service is a good as the Fourth Second Bank?

The next morning we woke up to driving rain, 30 mph wind, and freezing cold. It rained for 5 straight hours before we had even left the hotel. Needless to say I was not fucking amused at all. We checked out of the hotel and got on the road for the whopping 3 mile trek to the stadium. Yes it was still raining. We sat in the car for 30 minutes before deciding to head to the stadium. We got thoroughly fucking drenched before we had even got near the stadium. Did I mention that it was FUCKING COLD? Yea it was about 32 F, 30 mph wind, and driving rain.

We managed to get into the stadium without being blown the hell away and it was BEYOND crowded. We trek up to our seats (which were awesome by the way) and we were facing into the wind which is blowing faster than a car can drive in a school zone without getting a ticket. And it is raining hard right in my face to add insult to injury. I am shivering so bad that I can’t even manage to drink my damn beer because I am shaking. Can you say 10% theory for the weather?

The ticket taker looked like Joe Pa!!!

The first half of the game was good but as it had rained for 8 hours prior to kickoff; the field was a complete mud bowl. And as a result of the mud, the game was kind of slow and limited because of all the players slipping around everywhere. Penn State jumped out to an early lead which they held onto through half time.

Some first half action.

We ventured down stairs to try and find some warm food since we were beyond cold at this point. I managed to find a vendor that was selling delicious fatty gyros. But as I only had plastic and no cash I was shit out of luck. Yes the vendor did not take credit cards. At. The. Fucking. Capital. One. Bowl. Can you sense the irony here? Apparently it didn’t matter to them what the hell you have in your wallet. Thankfully Miley had cash and we were able to eat and get back upstairs for the second half.

Kicking the extra point after first touchdown!

The second half saw LSU come back and take the lead 17-16 with about 4 minutes left in the game. It was then at that point that Joe Pa cooked up a comeback. Penn State drove down the field and was able to kick a field goal with a minute left to take the lead 19-17. And that was how the game ended with Penn State winning a thrilling game. I was happy about the outcome, and Miley was fucking angry, pissed off, bitter, bitching about it ie happy with the game.

 A sad as hell Miley when her team lost. Poor LSU fans.

A happy as hell Penn State fan.

As soon as the game was over, we bolted Orlando and headed back to Baton Rouge with me driving all night long. We had to leave asap as I had to pick up my car and drive to Mississippi the next day to pick up my kids from the grandparents, (which Mississippi is halfway between my home and where the their grandparents live in Georgia) as my kids had spent their Christmas break with them.

Even though we only spent a total of 24 hours in Orlando, it was a great trip. I got to see my favorite team play and so did Miley. I also was in dire need of a small vacation and that is exactly what this was. And Miley was a great sport about getting her finger broken, paying for the whole trip, and her team losing the game to my team.

The scoreboard says it all.

I hope you enjoyed this post from my series of my worldly travels, next time I will tell you about one of my travels to South America.

 The stadium on the way out.