Hostage Santa

A while back one of the bloggers I follow (Not Worth Mentioning) posted a blog about ways you could take down Santa and tranquilize him. This blog got me thinking about what would my kids say and do to Santa if they were to tranquilize him.

As you know or may not know I have a set of 10 year old twins (one boy and one girl) who are night and day different when it comes to personality. My son (referred to by one of his nicknames –Biggie) can be sweet at times, but mostly he shows a evil, sick, twisted sense of humor like his dad does. While my daughter (also referred to by one of her nicknames – Sissy) is a total polar opposite of her brother, and tends to be very sweet, thoughtful, and angelic most of the time. So here goes the story of what happened when my kids tranquilized poor Santa.

Santa comes down the chimney and is promptly shot with the tranquilizer gun, bound with hand cuffs and duct tape, and placed on the couch. The twins go through Santa’s bag of gifts for them to see their gifts and then let time pass so they can interrogate question him.

Biggie – He’s waking up.

Sissy – Yes he is coming around.

Santa – Where am I?

Biggie – I will ask the questions you fat fuck.

Santa – You are not supposed to be cussing young man.

Biggie – (after slapping Santa) Look I am aware of that. But those are deer lease words and well since we bagged and tagged your ass, they are appropriate to use here so shut it.

Sissy – Now Biggie, he is going to talk, there is no need to be angry.

Biggie – Bullshit, there sure is a reason to be angry. Santa why the fuck is this bag always skimpy when you come down our chimney?

Santa – Well you always are skimpy when it comes to getting good grades.

Biggie – (slaps Santa again). Why do you each year bring us the same scooters that always break. You are Santa can’t you get the kids making this shit in China to improve them a little?

Santa – They are made in the North Pole, not China.

Biggie – (slaps Santa again) you are a fat fucking liar.

Sissy – Now Biggie we don’t need to beat him to death. We already got the toys in his bag. Santa, why can’t you bring something more realistic that I want like a new Barbie, or a new Build-a-Bear?

Santa – I go by the list that you send me each year and bring you stuff based upon that list.

Sissy – But we have never sent you a list before.


Biggie – You fat fuck, you just bring us gifts based upon some other kids list. How many other Biggie and Sissy twins are there?

Santa – There must be some mistake here.

Biggie – You bet your fat ass there is, you keep bringing us the wrong fucking toys.

Sissy – Look Santa we are going to let you slide this year, but next year please can you get our gifts correct?

Santa – Yes I think I can do better next year.

Biggie – You had better keep your promise you rosy red bastard or I will report you to the labor boards for using all those damn underage workers at the North Pole. And if you show up next year with someone else’s gifts, I will hook you up to a car battery and cables, drench you with a water hose, and thoroughly go medieval on your ass all night.

Santa – There is no need for anger my son, I will get it right next year.

Sissy – Thanks though Santa for replacing our broken scooters. Merry Christmas.

Santa – Merry Christmas.

Biggie – Merry Christmas you old bastard, now get the hell out of my house.

 And there you have it, Christmas through the eyes of two kids.

Realistic College Bowl Games

Well unless you are living under a rock (or outside of the USA) then you are aware that we are in the thick of the college football bowl game season. Games have already been played already, and we have a whole smorgasbord of games starting on Wednesday and lasting until after New Years. This is one of my favorite times of the year for college football as you see teams that are matched up against each other that normally don’t get to play one another.

My problem with all of these damn bowl games is that they lack imagination in the naming of these bowls. No I am not talking about the big bowl games as they all have great names such as the Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and Sugar Bowl. They all have names which are reasonable and have some meaning to them.

I am speaking about such idiotic bowls out there which have shitty ass names with ties to products that many people have not heard of or have ever used in the first place. And the location of these bowls also has nothing to do with the location where the bowl is being played. These bowls I am referring to are the following: AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl (wtf is Advocare?), Insight Bowl (smart kids bowl?), Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (you can get a mortgage for a double wide trailer?), Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl, Hyundai Sun Bowl, AutoZone Liberty Bowl (the Liberty Bell is in Philly not Memphis), Ticket City Bowl (what does Dallas have to do with tickets?), GoDaddy.com Bowl (I know of no one who has ever used that site other than to view videos of Danica Patrick), BBVA Compass Bowl, uDROVE Humanitarian Bowl, R+L CARRIERS New Orleans Bowl, BEEF 'O' BRADY'S Bowl, and the New Era Pinstripe Bowl. See how all of those really don’t make any sense?

So I have taken the time to rename these shitty bowl games and give them a new more meaningful names and locations to them. Along with new names, I have taken the pleasure of giving them some new sponsors which actually reflect products us normal day-to-day Americans actually use.

The Smith And Wesson Drive-By Bowl – to be held in New Orleans and if possible always featuring either USC or Miami as they are both located in the middle of the hood in their respective cities.

The KFC Fried Chicken Bowl – held in Memphis and featuring the SWAC champion vs. Memphis.

The Cheaters Bowl (the tv show) – game can be played anywhere but must always have SMU vs. the team of the current season caught cheating (ie Ohio State, USC, or Auburn)

The Tampax Bleeders Bowl – game can be played anywhere but must have the country’s two top hard hitting defenses facing each other.

Fresh Step Cat Litter Bowl – This game can be played anywhere but it has to feature two schools which have some form of a cat type animal as their mascot(Kentucky, Penn State,Kansas State).

The Poligrip/Fixodent Denture Cream Bowl – This game will always be played at Southern Mississippi and should be played between two teams from the south (ie Arkansas, Ole Miss, or Alabama).

The Exxon-Mobil Pollution Bowl – Always to be played in Houston at Reliant stadium and the roof has to be open for the game. Teams should be ones which are near refineries (ie University of Houston, McNeese State, LSU).

The Jack Daniels Bowl – to be played in Nashville featuring two teams from the south (ie Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky).

The Kilz Graffiti Removal Bowl – to be played in the Bronx and to be played by two teams which uniforms have way too much fucking colors going on (ie Oregon, Florida, Boise State).

The Suncast Snow Shovel Bowl – to be played outdoors in Minneapolis and features two teams from the south which never play in snow (ie Florida, Arizona, South Carolina).

The We Buy Ugly Houses Homevestor.com Bowl – to be played in Detroit and features two teams from dilapidated housing markets (ie Maryland, Tulane, USC, and any university in Michigan).

The 2000 Flushes Toilet Bowl - to be played at the home field where Boise State plays and features two of the worst teams in college football (ie Norte Dame, Vanderbilt, Northwestern).

The Breathe Right Strips Bowl - to be played in Las Vegas on the strip featuring two of the countries sleeper teams (ie Cal, Standford, Texas A&M).

Happy Boxing Day

Well today is Boxing Day throughout the world, and I thought I would say Happy Boxing day and give you a little history lesson in the process. No Boxing Day is not the one day a year that you are allowed to punch your spouse, so calm down. But it would be fun if Boxing Day was like that huh? Anyway here is the real history of Boxing Day.

It was a cold and wintery day after Christmas back in the worst winter on record in Canada back in 1983. You see a man was frustrated at the lack of imagination of his wife’s gift giving skills in the gifts she always got her husband for Christmas. He was angry that every year his wife got him a new golf club. Who can play golf in the fucking snow he asked himself. She also got him other useless shit for Christmas such as ties (he worked in a factory), a set of ball warmers (he lost both his balls to cancer years ago), a bunch of chocolate (he was diabetic and couldn’t eat it), a copy of the Mormon Bible (he is Jewish), and other less exciting Christmas gifts that he could never use or want.

He had reached his breaking point of shitty thoughtless gifts. He told his wife that he was going to drive her sorry ass back to the store where she had purchased all of those “thoughtful” gifts and exchange them for something that he could actually use. So they got in the car and ventured to the mall. He then had a bright idea on the way there and thought to himself that he was not the one who caused all of this mess so he dropped her off at the mall and headed to a local pub.

While at the mall, the wife was angry because the crowds were so damn huge inside of every store with other disgruntled women returning stupid shit they had bought their husbands. While inside of one store the wife had also reached her breaking point when an 80 year old woman cut in front of her in the checkout line at Woolworths. She lost it and asked the old woman, “go to the back of the line old bitch.” To which the old woman replied back, “fuck off you young whore”. The angry wife in turn punched the fuck out of the old woman and the fight was on. The old woman punched the wife back and they fought for 12 rounds with both women landing some damaging punches. The old woman lost her dentures in the fight, and the wife lost her decency during the fight as well as her glasses. While the fight was on, another woman picked up the gifts that the wife was about to purchase and added them to her basket. The wife saw this treachery and then punched the gift thief in the mouth. The fight had escalated even further, the cops were called, and it was all caught on tv as there was a local tv station there interviewing the post Christmas day shoppers.

Meanwhile the husband was at the pub across the street drinking beer with other men-folk. All of the men were discussing how thoughtless all of their wives were in getting them shit for Christmas that was neither wanted nor useful. All of a sudden the tv inside the pub broke off coverage of the curling championships and went live to the mall across the street where in Woolworths the riot police were trying to break up a fight which had broke out. The man saw his wife being restraining by the police while she was screaming “fuck you, you old ass cunt.” The husband shouted out, “What the fuck was my wife thinking in fighting someone?” He was now pissed off because not only was he left with no damn gifts, but he also had to bail his wife out of jail. An old man at the end of the bar said, “Look here young man, I have been fighting with that old bitch who your wife just beat up for 60 years now, and I have always wanted to punch her. Let me buy you a drink son.”

You see Boxing Day is all about the women going shopping and the men going to a pub. And there is the real history of how Boxing Day was started.

No I am talking out of my ass, I have no clue how Boxing Day came about and how it was started, but it sure would be funny if it was started like how I just described. But remember that while all of you are out shopping in the cold frigid weather, I am sitting on my couch in my boxers, eating yummy Cajun leftovers, drinking beer, and watching football in front of my warm fireplace.

Merry Christmas

Well I wanted to take this time to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas. So there you go, Merry Christmas.

This is the 2nd year in a row that my kids have been up at their grandparents for Christmas, so my house is once again quiet this year. It is just me and my brother that are here in the house this year. So instead of making my normal huge baked ham and dressing dinner, I will be making me and my brother a huge ass pot of Jambalaya from scratch. What better a dish could you make on this lonely holiday? I think Cajun food for Christmas is a decent type of food for Christmas in the south. Hell if there was a place that was open and selling fresh crawfish, I would have a crawfish boil for Christmas.

I ask you to remember that Christmas is not about giving and getting over priced materialistic bullshit gifts, but rather it is about spending time with family and friends. Family is the one thing that has me down in the dumps this year as my kids are 800 miles away with their grandparents. I know that they don’t get to see them very often, but it is still depressing around here without my kids here. It is so quiet here that you can hear all of the neighbors fighting about money and who burned the dinner and why. I am lonely and even though I occasionally need a break from my kids, I don’t think Christmas is the best time for it. So I urge you all to remember to spend time with your family and enjoy their company, regardless of how messed up your family is.

I also ask that you watch my favorite Christmas movie this year. And that movie is Christmas Vacation. If you have never seen it, what the hell is wrong with you? If you have seen it, go watch it again dammit. It is one of the best movies ever made. The scene where Clark flips out is classic. “We are going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Fucking K.”

Merry Christmas to you and your families.

No Christmas Gifts

So as all of you know from my last post, I am sick. Well I am still ill and have been since last Thursday. Today I am not really feeling any better, but now my sinuses are draining so I am coughing up this nasty shit that looks like it is the base for the broth in that nasty Russian beef stew (I forget the name). I still have the shrine to Jobu on my fireplace with offerings for him to get me better. I am almost at the point of offering a small animal (or a large one if need be) as a sacrifice if it would help me get better soon so I am not sick and alone on Christmas. Ever heard of someone being too damn sick to be depressed on Christmas because they are alone? Neither have I, but I am pretty sure my body can’t take being sick and depressed at the same time.

My kids last week were acting like brats progressively worse each day at home the closer it came to Friday as it was their last day of school for the year. They could sense the upcoming time off from school like those animals in the Indian Ocean area sensed the tsunami before it hit and they ran to higher ground. They also knew that last week was the only time left in 2010 to get on my ever last never (they won’t be back until the 3rd or 4th of January) so they had to outdo their normal misbehaviors at home. On Friday I had reached my last level of tolerance before either beating them or shooting them with the tranquilizer gun. My brother (who is also my roommate by the way) decided to go to the store for beer (the life blood of the old hippy dude up in the sky) and stuff to make BBQ for dinner. Once I realized that he was getting some beer for me to relax, I calmed down.

10 minutes after leaving the house to go to the store, my brother walks in the front door carrying beer and bbq stuff for dinner. He looks at my kids and starts singing the following song (think the old Christmas song “O Christmas Tree”) to them very loudly:

No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,

You damn brats don’t deserve them.

No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,

Thy attitude leaves thee never.

You are little brats in summer's prime,

And you are brats at Christmas time.

No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts,

Thy kids are brats forever.

No Christmas Gifts, No Christmas Gifts….

(yes this is actually my small fake Christmas tree)

I looked at my brother and just burst out laughing. No scratch that, I was laughing so damn hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. My son got all pissy and angry and bum rushed my brother and punched him. My daughter got a little teary eyed and asked if there were really no Christmas gifts this year. Now my brother normally is the one on the other side of the jokes, but when he does crack a joke on someone else, it is fucking epic and worthy of mention in the history books. My brother in one small moment had just made my day and cheered me up and I hadn’t even open up a beer yet. We went outside to light the fire on the bbq pit and had a good 15 minute chuckle over his rendition of the old Christmas song.

I’m Sick

Normally on weekends I like to write all of my blog posts for the week, but this past weekend that did not happen. I ended up with some flu like shit sickness that is going around. My brother had it a week or so ago, my son had it at roughly the same time, and my daughter caught it last Tuesday. So instead of my normally fun, happy, smartass sarcastic post I do on regular days, you are being filled with a story of my illness.

You see on Thursday I woke up feeling like I was going to getting sick soon. I had a sore throat, coughing, and pain in my chest. On Friday I woke up and was in need of an oxygen tank because I could not breathe at all. On Saturday I woke up with glass shards in my nose because it had dried up over night. And I still could not breathe and I also had lost my taste for food. On Sunday I almost did not wake up at all because of all the Nyquil I had taken the night before. Oh and Sunday added a migraine headache and diarrhea to the list of symptoms I had. My digestive tract must be very fucking efficient because it turned four chicken drumsticks into liquid in less than 10 minutes (I know you needed that visual to follow along with the story). Needless to say I was sick all weekend long. And I mean all weekend long.

I spent my Sunday lying on the couch with a massive headache, a fever, chills, not being able to taste the left over BBQ from Friday night, running back and forth between the throne and the couch, and heavily agitated. I had to watch football with my head in fog with a massive headache. Have you ever tried to watch a football game without being able to scream at the damn television and not drink beer?

I don’t get sick very often, but when I do it is usually means a hospital stay for me. The last time I came down with the flu was back in January 2009 and it landed me in the isolation ward of the local hospital for a week. I was on every drug known to man and then some. They had me on anti-viral and antibiotics drugs between injections (remember how I said I don’t like needles), IV’s, and pills. If the hospital had it in stock, they gave it to me including hospital food. I think out of all the shit that a hospital does to you to make you better; nothing does this job as good as hospital food. You know what I am talking about, that tasteless, cardboard like shit that they like to call “food”. Not having to eat hospital food is enough motivation for me to “will” my body to better health so I can leave that place and eat some greasy, delicious, tasty food.

What really sucks is that I am actually kid free right now and could do anything in the world I wanted to do on a kid free weekend. You see my kids were picked up by my ex in-laws (the kids grandparents in case you are slow today) on Saturday and they drove them back to their house in Atlanta for the next 2 weeks for Christmas break. I am also only working four days this week and then I am off for 10 straight days, so I don’t want to be sick on my vacation. See how my luck works?

It goes without saying that I am praying to every god on the planet right now to keep me from getting any sicker and ending up in the hospital. I even got a bucket of KFC and some rum as a sacrifice for Jobu sitting on my fireplace. So I need all of you followers of the trash to pray for, send warm thoughts (if you are an atheist or non-religious), or just send me some damn hospital food so I can get better and enjoy my two kid free weeks.

Holidays?

Now I know that all of you have heard about people getting pissed off about people saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I am not one of those people who have gotten pissed off about it. Well I did when I was younger and was not aware of other cultures and religions, but now I am smart and stuff and realize that we need to include everyone. So I don’t have a problem with saying Happy Holidays as there is more than one holiday going on at roughly the same time.

What I have a problem with however is excluding and or promoting other religious holidays (or religions for that matter) over another. Remember when the head of NASA came out publicly and said that President Obama had instructed him to have the #1 mission of the “new” NASA include Muslim nations in space flight. Never mind the fact that every time one of these Muslim terrorists astronauts tries to lift off blow himself up they only get about 3-4 feet off of the ground. But I digress; I was shocked when I heard that because if say George Bush had said that NASA needed to include the Israelis more in NASA, the whole country (well the whole world for that matter) would be burning from all of the protesters out protesting. Anyway nothing chaps my hide more than this when it comes to common sense. Either you recognize all of them or none of them. And as a nation founded on religious freedoms, this should be cut and dry, but it clearly isn’t.

Which brings me to this picture that a friend sent me the link to from a local am radio station. It is a copy of the calendar that a Katy, Texas elementary school had sent out to the parents for the month of December. It clearly shows that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are listed on there for their respective days, which I do not have a problem with. But on the 25th of December is listed “Mr. Alexander’s Birthday.” Now Mr. Alexander is the namesake for this particular elementary school. So why the fuck did the calendar not list Christmas as the holiday? Apparently the school had decided to put Mr. Alexander’s birthday as they felt it was more important than listing Christmas. Really, you put Hanukkah and Kwanzaa on the calendar but did not put Christmas. I am sure it was just an “oversight” on the schools part. Well thousands of people called this school and the school district to complain about this mindless fuckup mistake and the school changed it and sent out a new calendar to the parents the next day.

Years ago it was reported in the news that there was a “war” on Christmas with all of the people pushing the whole Happy Holidays saying. Well I have never believed in it as I think it is just trivial bullshit that the news people are trying to brain wash people with. But when I see stupid shit like what this school did with the calendar, it sure seems to fit the mold of people being afraid of Christmas. Why are people so afraid of Christmas? Are people even afraid of Christmas? I have no idea, I am afraid of Christmas but only because it is another damn month that I have to spend a shitload of money in.

Well I think the thing with the calendar is just stupid and common sense should have ruled the situation. If you put one of the holidays on the calendar, than you need to put all of them which is ok in my book. It would also be ok in my book if you put none of the holidays on the December calendar. What do you think about the situation with the calendar?

My Vasectomy

Here is a little story about my big balls. Yes I am going to tell you about my experience of when I had my vasectomy operation. I know all of you are thrilled to hear about my balls, but there is some serious humor/tragedy involved here so I hope you enjoy it. When I wrote my post about how I am horribly afraid of needles, I had this post in mind but I had to tell you about the needle story first so you could see this story in the right perspective.

Back when my ex wife got pregnant, it was decided that one of us had to get snipped as she never wanted kids to begin with. Well we ended up having twins and since she had to have a c-section, we decided that it would be best if she would get snipped since they already had to open her up anyways. Little did I know that the rest of my marriage would be sexless so it really didn’t matter that she got fixed. Fast forward to 2006 when me and my ex split up, we had talked about neither of us ever having kids again as we didn’t want our kids to have to put up with half brothers/sisters. So early in 2007 after much consideration, I decided that I would go ahead and get a vasectomy as I had read that they were pretty easy procedures with a limited amount of pain (boy was I wrong on this). I went and saw a specialist and got all of my concerns and questions answered and scheduled the surgery for a Thursday morning in May.

Well the day came and my ex drove me to the hospital (you couldn’t drive yourself there and home) to have my surgery done. She dropped me off early in the morning on her way to work. By the way that is a little fucked up mentally if you think about it, having your ex-wife drive you to a vasectomy surgery. I checked in and was forced to put the hospital assless gown on. Why wasn’t my gown that day crotch less as I was there for an operation on my front side? After signing the required paperwork and getting changed, I was led back to a preparation room.

It was then that the horrors of my day began. In the prep room, a nurse with two syringes came into my room. I got two shots of Demerol, one in each arm. I did not pass out from the shots, but I sure as fuck did tense up. I was told to rub the injection spot on each arm to help the Demerol take affect quicker. I rubbed each arm for half an hour and it did nothing. I guess when I had tensed up it caused the pain killer to not work because I was not feeling anything from it.

I was then pushed in a wheel chair into the operating room where it was cold as fuck. I think that room on that day was colder than the lowest recorded temperature on the planet. Ever. So the three nurses had me lie down on the operating table and put up a nice little sheet right over my stomach so that I could not see anything below the waist. The three women proceeded to lather me up for shaving my balls. Now I manscape regularly so it was not like there was a lot of hair down there, but the nurses were intent on shaving me for the operation anyways. The nurses proceed to shave me and I was not able to see what was going on at all. It was at that exact moment that they were tugging and pulling on my balls and then cut me. Not one time, but multiple times with cheap razors. I protested just a tad, and the evil nurses decided to use an Epilady shaver on me (anyone remember those from the 1990’s). And they cut me about three more times with the Epilady. I then told the three evil bitches nurses, “Don’t you damn women shave your legs? Don’t you damn women shave you underarms? Don’t you damn women shave your twats? Why the fuck if you don’t cut yourselves when you shave your bodies, are you carving up my balls like a butcher?” Yes I know that those statements were ballsy at the time considering that they were holding my now bleeding balls, but it needed to be said. I also told them that if they kept cutting me, the doctor would not have to make any incisions on my balls as the nurses have already done it for him.

So after the bitches nurses cleaned up my two quarts of blood, they decided to make my day worse. It was now time for them to lather me up in iodine. Now they did not warn me prior to doing this, much like they didn’t warn me before shaving me. If you have never had some iodine on your balls let me tell you that it is fucking cold. Oh and it burned me where the bitches had cut me as well. I told the nurses that since my balls are so cold, that the surgery has to be called off because the doctor won’t be able to see them due to the shrinkage of them.

Shortly after the iodine bath, it was time for the doctor to come in and get started. Well I was lying down on the operating room table and restrained at my knees. I had asked the doctor to warn me before giving me the local shot on my balls as I don’t deal well with needles (as you have previously read on my blog). I had also asked the nurse who was sitting next to me to give me something to hold and squeeze, which she ignored me. The doctor did not warn me and stuck me with a needle in my left ball. I came off of the table about a foot and broke the restraints that were holding me down. The doctor let go of the syringe when I came off of the table and it was left to dangle in the wind with the Lidocane going in and out of my left ball. Lidocane burns like a mother fucker by the way in case you didn’t know. So I got back down on the table and let the doctor finish the injection of the local. He waited about 30 minutes and got started with the snipping. As I had the local, I really did not feel much. I could feel some tugging and pulling but there wasn’t any pain.

The doctor then warned me that he was about to do the local on the right ball. I had also been given a brand new roll of surgical tape to squeeze in my hand. The doctor put the needle in my ball and I crushed the roll of tape (3 inches in diameter) down to the size of a quarter. The nurse was like, “wow you really don’t like shots do you?” No shit lady. The doctor then waited about two minutes after giving me the local before he got started. With the left ball I felt nothing, well since he didn’t wait for the local to kick on the right one, I felt every second of the pain. He cut, tugged, pulled, and inflicted pain on me that no man has ever seen.

When the doctor had finished with the right ball, I thought I would be able to sleep a little bit. Nope, I was wrong. I was asked to put on the required jock strap that I had brought with me. They had wrapped my balls in gauze and I had to lift my ass up so that the nurses could slide me jock strap on. I then thought I would be able to get me some sleep. Nope, wrong again. Mr. Trash you have to sit up and walk to the recovery room. Are you fucking kidding me, I have to fucking walk after you just put me through hell? Yep I had to walk out of the operating room where I was greeted by a glass of grape juice. Is Welch’s the national drink of nut cutting ceremonies? The same bitches nurses had me walk to the lobby where they put me in a normal chair to wait on my ex-wife to come pick me up.

The ex picked me up and took me to Krogers so I could fill my prescription and get some frozen peas to place on my balls. Thankfully the doctor had taken pity on me and given me 50 of the largest size of Vicodin you can legally get. Which when I got home knocked me the fuck out. I woke up hours later with a bag of unfrozen peas on my balls which had caused me to be drenched in water from them thawing out. I tried to get up and walk to the bathroom to piss, but I fell on the floor next to my bed. Apparently when I had passed out, I did not have any swelling in my balls but I sure as fuck did when I woke up and couldn’t walk. I managed to get myself to the bathroom and sat on the throne and got my shorts down. I had forgotten that I had a jock strap on and struggled to pull it down. The poor gauze was still sticking to me, and I pulled it off while screaming in wretched pain. I was covered in blood and my balls were each the size of a softball. Now I know that is a visual thing for you the reader, so I will say it again. My balls were each the size of a softball in my jock strap.

I took some more meds and placed the frozen peas on my balls and rotated them on and off as they unfroze. I had a four day weekend and was hoping I could go back to work on Monday with no problems. I spent the whole weekend in bed watching re-runs of Family Guy and various other tv shows while munching on Vicodin religiously. I felt like an old ass man who lived in a nursing home as my brother had to wait on me hand and foot and bring me food and drinks.

Well I was told the swelling would go down in a couple of days. Yea right, with my luck? No I had trouble walking for two weeks as my balls were swollen for what seemed like forever. Did I mention to you that my balls were the size of softballs? I had even called the doctor and he just told me to take it easy as the swelling would eventually go down. Which two weeks later the swelling did go down, but it was painful to walk for a month. Never mind how painful it was when it came time to “drain the old pipes” as they put it. I mean if every time you masturbated for a month that it felt like someone was stabbing you when you cum, would you keep doing it to yourself? I didn’t think so.

Two months after I had been put through a medical malpractice experience, I had to go in for my check up to see if the catastrophe surgery had worked. Much to my surprise the surgery was a success in terms of not having any swimmers post cutting. I guess in hindsight it was worth it because if I ever settle down again with a female, I won’t have to rely on the pull out method ever again.

Now I know this story was pretty long, but you can’t shorten a nightmare comedic story like this. What an experience I had with my vasectomy. I was told at my follow up visit, that less than a 1 in a 1000 men have problems with their vasectomy. Well I guess I was the 1 in a 1000 because my experience was the stuff a horror movie is made of.

The Small Things…..

I have always been a believer my whole life that it is the small things in life that happen that matter to the most to me. Especially since the big things in life really never seem to filter down to my life. So the small things are the ones that give me a tiny bit of light at the end of my tunnel of life that there is some hope for my life.

Last Thursday was the day at school where my kids got to go to the school book fair at their school. My daughter had planned on taking a 20 dollar bill which she had got for her birthday and had been saving for months. Well she spent 30 minutes Thursday morning looking for her money and could not find the 20 dollar bill in question. So I told her I would handle it.

We stopped at a gas station on the way to school so I could get me some coffee and a newspaper and I also pulled out 20 bucks to give to my kids to spend at the book fair. I gave my kids the 20 bucks and told them that they could each buy one book and give me back the change when I get home from work that night.

I dropped the kids off at school, kissed them both goodbye, and also wished them a good day. I drove the hour to work and proceeded to have one of the worst days at work in recent memory. Well it was worse than it normally is on a day to day basis, but that is beside the point.

I got home from work to my son yelling at me to close my eyes as I came in the door. So I dropped the stuff I was carrying inside the door and closed my eyes as I was instructed to do. I opened my eyes to see my son holding a University of Texas poster board that my kids had brought home for me. What they had done was they each picked out a book at the book fair, and then they saw the UT poster. They had decided between the two of them to get it for me with the money left over from their book purchase. So instead of bringing me home the change that was leftover, they decided to buy me something. Well I hugged them both and thanked them for making my day. Here my kids had without being prompted by me or anyone else had gone and got me something from their book fair. Needless to say after my shit filled day at work, I was all warm and fuzzy inside with my gift from my kids.

So I say it is indeed the little things in life that make it worthwhile getting up each and every day. I guess on Thursday I realized that I have done a decent job in raising my kids to be good people. 

I Hate Needles

Yes I hate needles. All of my life I have dreaded getting a shot, or having blood work done. I can’t stand the pain from shots and I often (well very often) pass out. I have tried relaxing and taking breathes when getting shots, but it doesn’t help me at all.

Now I know you are saying, “Mr. Trash you are a vagina” and I would agree with you but I know the truth. I have broken my ankles (cross country track meet and skate boarding) a total of 3 times between the two of them, and the pain from it was not bad. I have blown out my knee (my acl) and had surgery and the pain from it was again not bad. I was passing gall bladder stones (and if you have ever passed them you know it fucking hurts) and had my gall bladder removed and that pain was huge, but pales in comparison to the pain I get from shots. I can’t stand those little needles of pain inflicting metal to be anywhere near me.

I had a lot of health problems as a kid, so I was always in a doctor’s office or hospital getting poke and prodded by some nurse. By the way, the nurses dressed a lot sexier back in the 1970’s than they do today. And they were probably a lot less crazy back then as well, but I digress. I apparently had (well have to be honest) veins which are not easy to locate. So as a child with all of the health problems I had I was constantly being forced to subject myself to the tortures of the needles multiple times before they could get it correct. If there was a problem a child could have, I had it. And the solution was always some damn needle.

Fast forward to my adult life, I have also been tortured with the needle. I always warn the nurses or doctors that I have problems with needles and that I pass out, but most of the time they don’t listen to me. It also seems that every time I do have to get a shot, I end up with the lab tech who just graduated lab tech school.

When I started working in the oil patch, I had to go get 20 something immunizations so I could travel to third world countries. I went to the clinic where I did my piss test so I could get my shots that the WHO insists that you must have. I warned the nurse that I pass out from shots and that I need to lie down to take them. She did not listen to me. She sat me in a chair and gave me a couple of shots; I passed out, and fell out of the chair onto the floor because she could not hold me up. When I woke up minutes later, I was surrounded by the entire clinic staff. The nurse said she had no clue I would pass out and I called her a lying bitch in front of 30 people because I had in fact pre-warned her of my tendency to pass out. Since I still had 18 shots left to get, they put me on a bed so if I passed out, I would not end up on the floor again. I also had pulled down my pants as half of the shots had to go in one of my ass cheeks. I told them that when I pass out, to continue giving me the shots or we will be here all fucking day. I woke up 5 minutes later and they had given me all of my shots while I was out, like I had asked them to do. I was pleased to say the least. And the manager of the clinic had gone to the store next door and got me a gatorade and apologized for the nitwit nurse who did not listen to me.

A few months after this I was going through the process of trying to find out why I had such bad stomach problems (also the subject of a future blog post). I was ordered by the doctor to go to the lab and give blood so they could run some preliminary blood work. I went with my then wife (who was also 8 months preggars and fucking huge because it was twins) to the clinic to give my blood. Well we both warned the lab tech that I was afraid of needles and needed to be on a couch because I would pass out. I knew I would pass out as it was 7pm and I had been up since 5am and had not eaten that day, so my normal problems with needles were magnified by 100. They had a bed/couch thingy in the lab but it had boxes on it so the lab tech put me in this chair thing (pictured to the side). The chair thing had a bar that was supposed to prevent someone from falling out of the chair, but the bar on the chair was broken. We again warned the woman that I was going to pass out, but she pressed on with the collection of my blood. I was supposed to give 5 vials of blood, and I passed out as soon as she got the 5th vial in. I woke up later on the floor to hear a lot of loud yelling and screaming. Apparently I passed out and the nurse couldn’t hold me up and let me fall flat on my face on the floor. And my then wife was being restrained by a cop (the hospital security were cops) as she had slapped the fuck out of the lab tech (when I learned that you don’t fuck with a pregnant woman) and there was at least 20 people in the lab by then. My then wife was screaming at the lab tech because the lab tech was saying she had not been warned about my fear of needles, which she had been warned multiple times. I explained to the cop what happened and he released my then wife, and the hospital administrator apologized once she saw that the bed/couch was being used as storage and she heard my side of the story.

I could go on and on all day about my misadventures with needles, but if I did you would kill yourself like one of the people on the movie Airplane listening to Striker talk about the war. Needless to say I do not like needles. You can accuse me of being a lot of things in life, but one thing you can never accuse me of is being a person who shoots themselves up with drugs.

You might be asking yourself why did you tell me this story Mr Trash, well you need to understand my fear and problems with needles so that a future post in my blog is taken in context and all that more sad and funny.

Worldly Wednesdays – Scotland

Well if you have been following my blog, you have been reading my series in my worldly travels where I get to travel on someone else’s dime (which is usually my employers) to nice places all over the globe. And if you are new to my blog then you need to go back and read my other posts from this series. Last time I told you I would take you to a European destination and I am not going to disappoint you.

Back in March of 2006 my work asked me to go to Aberdeen, Scotland on a month long business trip. And well honestly I could not say no to going to the land of some of my ancestors (I am like a quarter Scottish roots but a mutt for all practical purposes). So I packed up head for the airport for the long 10 hour flight across the pond.

Kings College

 
I had a long flight from Houston to Amsterdam as there is no direct flight to Aberdeen from the US. I got to the airport in Amsterdam and had to check in for my flight to Aberdeen as it was a different airline for the second leg of my trip. After waiting 2.5 hours in a long ass line to get my boarding pass, I get to the front of the line only to be told that my seat on my connecting flight was in first class, and I could have used the no waiting first class line (my life is full of stories like this as this shit only happens to me). So I ran, yes RAN to the gate and was the last person to get on the plane. After a short flight from Amsterdam to Aberdeen, I was finally on the ground in the land of my forefathers. It was cold, no not just cold but FUCKING cold (yes I said the same thing about Canada). As the only non-Brit on the flight I breezed right through customs and immigration much to the disgust of the Brits who were cussing me while I walked by in my Pittsburgh Steelers jacket.

A Really Old Cemetery

I would have to say that on all of my travels that I have gone on, the hotel I had when in Scotland was the best. I had a proper living room with two couches, a full kitchen with a stove, oven, fridge, and huge bedroom. The bath room was a little lacking, but hey we can’t all get everything that we want can we?

My Hotel

 
Little did I know when I left on this trip that I would be working for 6 days a week for about 14 hours a day, so I did not have very much time to get actually get out and explore the country as I had wanted to. I did manage to get out on Sundays and walk around town (I didn’t rent a car because it was too confusing for me sober and as I was drunk all the time I didn’t want to chance it). The first Sunday I was there, I walked all over the place. I found the concert hall, the huge ass library, the shopping center, City Hall, and Robert Gordon University. The town is beautiful in and of itself as the entire city is grey and made of granite (the nickname of the city is the Granite City). I also managed to find some really old cemeteries and a statue of William Wallace (ie Braveheart and which I think every city in Scotland has one but I can’t blame them).

William Wallace

The weather in Aberdeen is crazy. If you have ever lived in or been to Houston then you know that the weather here is crazy, but in Aberdeen it is very strange. On morning I woke up and it was warm (well as warm as 20F can be) and the skies were clear. Within a few hours it was cloudy and snowing. 3 hours later it was clear again, and a few hours after that it was raining. When it was time to leave for the hotel at the end of the day, it was clear again and warm. The receptionist at the office told me that they have a saying there, “Aberdeen, where you get all 4 seasons in a day’s time.” And I thought Houston weather was crazy.

City Hall

The next Sunday I was off, one of my friends from the Aberdeen office who I used to work with back in Houston, took me for a drive to a castle outside of town. It was a nice castle, but it costs about $50 to go inside of it. And after learning that the castle was just someone’s home and that there was no battle fought there, I passed on the entrance fee. It was a really nice beautiful place though if you take away the high cost. My friend also took me into Old Aberdeen where there was a 1400 year old church and a 500 year old college. I was in awe of the college as it pre-dated Columbus coming to the Americas.

The Castle

During the week when I was working if I was able to get back to the hotel at a decent time, I would change and walk down to the main street in Aberdeen called Union Street for drinks and dinner. I hit up every single bar that Union Street had to offer. The best at the time was a place that was a mecca to all things Frankenstein. Another good place I found was an old church that had been converted into a bar/nightclub called “Soul”. It was really interesting considering that the DJ booth was where the pulpit would have been if it was still a church.

"Soul"

After working what seemed like an eternity, I came to my last night in Aberdeen which happened to be a Friday night. My friend from the office decided that me and him should go out for a nice meal and then to a bar for one drink. Well we ended up at a really nice Chinese place and drank a couple bottles of French wine. We then headed off to a small local bar for one drink of Scotch. Well after drinking a few glasses of Scotch I was ready to leave, but a rowdy group of Scots heard that I was American and that it was my last night in Scotland. So they decided that I would stay at the bar and they would be buying me glasses of all of the different great types of Scotch. Four hours later, I was completely fucking wasted and it was not even 2 am. Did I mention that my flight leaves at 7am and I had not packed yet? Well we left that bar with the group of Scots and headed to a strip club. Now normally I am game for a strip club, but I had to pack and get up before the sun does. Well after 3 hours in the strip club (I was disappointed because none of the women were Scottish, they were all Russian) and tons of more drinks (which I didn’t pay for) I was finally able to stumble out of the strip club and walk stumble back to my hotel room at roughly 5am. I packed my bags while drunk, and then headed to the airport. I was drunk when I checked in at the airport. I was drunk when my flight took off and then landed in Amsterdam. I was still drunk when my flight to Houston took off and I was still drunk when I got back to Houston some 14 hours later. I have never been so damn drunk in my life, but I did not puke so I guess it was a great last night in Scotland.

Union Street

Although I did not get to do the things I had wanted to do while I was there (a visit to the highlands, touring some whiskey distilleries, and a trip to Edinburgh), I did get to enjoy a little bit of another great country and get a nice stamp in my passport. If you ever get a chance to go to Europe, I would highly advise you to head to Scotland as it is very beautiful and it is has a lot of history to take in.

My Take On The TSA

Last week I told you about my humorous story of how you can talk to your kids about getting fondled by the TSA. Well here are my serious thoughts about the TSA and some of the hypocrisy involved with them and our government.

Now unless you have been living under a rock for the last month you have heard about the wonderful new screening procedures at the US airports. It basically goes like this; you can get scanned by their new “high tech” body scanner or you can opt out of going through the scanner and get the full body pat down. Or you can go through the scanner and if they find something you will get the full body pat down. Now I am going to break this down with some common sense.



The scanners emit radiation much like an x-ray machine and the government says that they are safe. Can you believe the government? Of course you can’t believe them and everyone knows this. How many times has the government said that something was safe, and then later it does a double take and says that it is not safe? I can name a few for you. Remember the artificial sweeteners from the 80’s that they said were safe, and then latter said caused cancer? How about DDT and Agent Orange? What about all of the medications that they said were safe and later recalled? What about the tooth paste made in China, or the toys from China? See my point.

Everyone has to go through these procedures. The pilots have to go through this procedure multiple times a day. Why make the pilots go through this procedure looking for a gun or some other weapon? Did you forget that they are pilots and could at will crash any plane into anything that they wanted at any given time? Seems like a waste of their time to screen them as if they are intent on killing people with an airplane, the screener won’t catch that.

The government has said that all the TSA employees are good people. Yet in the past we have heard of TSA agents who were convicted sex offenders having the job of screeners. Yes that is correct. If the government can’t even know who the fuck is working for them and screen them, do you really have any faith in anything that they do which is security related (like the no fly list for example) like screening.

The government has also said that the images from the body scanners are not kept and are destroyed. Well then how come all of these damn images are showing up all over the internet? Yep someone is getting access to them or the TSA agents themselves are not all “good” people as you have told us they are. In either case, the images are not secure.

As I said you can opt out of going through the scanner and having a full body pat down to check you for weapons. So some guy can shove a homemade C4 bomb up his ass and by opting out of the scanner he would only get the pat down which does not check the rectum. So in theory you could smuggle a bomb onto a plane this way. Seems like a dumb ass thing to do to allow people to opt out of the scanner.

The TSA scans the passengers, the airports randomly screens the checked baggage, yet the cargo (mail and packages) does not get scanned. This was one of the major points in the 9/11 commission report. So if you wanted to blow up an airplane all you have to do is mail a bomb and time it to explode while the plane is in the air. Why scan the passengers and their baggage if you don’t scan the mail and cargo? Do you not remember hearing about the FedEx and UPS planes recently having bombs on board? Are the meal carts scanned because you sure as fuck could smuggle a weapon on plane that way couldn’t you. There are so many ways to get something on a plane it is not even funny.


I think that the TSA and the government should use profiling in doing the screenings to some extent. Now all of you are saying “Well Mr. Trash racial profiling and profiling is illegal and we can’t do it,” and I say bullshit. Police forces use profiling all the damn time. Every time a woman is murdered who is it that the police look at first? It is the husband, boyfriend, ex-husband, and ex-boyfriend that get looked at first. That is profiling and the police use it. Anytime there is a serial killer or some mail bomber who is it that they are looking for? It is a white male, early to late 30’s, lives alone or with their mom, is educated, and has problems being social with people. Yes that is profiling and the police use it. So use some common sense here in the airports and use profiling. It is Muslim men who are the ones trying to do the bad things on and to airplanes and their passengers. Look at the picture of the 9/11 hijackers, do you see a 3 year old black boy? Do you see a 65 year old white grandmother? No you don’t. Use some common sense in doing the screenings and look for the people who are actually doing the shit that you are trying to prevent.

Contact the Israelis and ask them what they are doing right with their airline El Al. They have not had a hijacking since the mid to late 1970’s. So I would find out what they are doing to prevent chicken shit terrorists from getting on their planes. Now I know that they have a fraction of the airports and daily flights that the US does, but still you could learn something from them. Most of the world hates them and wants to see their destruction so they are always on their toes security wise and have a system in place to prevent any problems with their airline.

I just think common sense should be used in stuff like this. Well really in damn near fucking anything in world should be done with common sense. Let me tell you a little story which can illustrate this better. Back in 2002 I was flying home from Brazil for Christmas on Christmas Eve. I was flying home first class (I used my frequent flyer miles to do so) and as the first to board the plane, I noticed who was around me. There was me, two white guys from the same town I was working in, an old white grandmother, and a middle aged Muslim man dressed in the garb. Guess what 4 people got the random search in the Rio airport, that’s right, the 4 non-Muslims going home to celebrate a Christian holiday. Now who of the people in first class would you suspect of causing trouble with terrorism? I did find it funny that when I was joking about that fact with the other people in first class, that the Captain of the flight had come out of the cockpit wearing a camouflage hunting jacket and a “I Love To Hunt” camouflage hat on. I knew we were getting home safely after seeing that the captain was a redneck hunter.

I also find it funny that the ACLU completely fucking silent when it comes to this issue of the scanners and the pat downs. The only time it is legal in this country to be searched like this is when you are being arrested. So why is it that the ACLU is silent? Oh yea that is right, the ACLU does not mind rights violations as long as it is a Democrat that has put the practice into law. Do you remember how vocal the ACLU was when Bush got the Patriot Act passed? Can you imagine how vocal the ACLU would be if it was Bush who had the TSA doing pat downs on people like they are now?

Do you remember the shoe bomber who attempted to ignite a bomb which was concealed in his shoe? The only thing which stopped him was the passengers on the plane who got up and stopped him when he was observed trying to ignite the bomb. Do you remember the Christmas Day bomber from last year who tried to ignite a bomb on a plane which was concealed in his underwear? He was also stopped by passengers around him who were not going to be blown up with some damn terrorist. And then Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano said that the system worked. Bullshit you ignorant woman, the system did not work. The system would have worked if this asshole was caught before he boarded the airplane. If the “system” is the passengers stopping terrorists, we are truly fucked.

I guess what I am trying to say is that common sense should be used in trying to stop terrorists from doing what they want to do. At the end of the day though if you don’t want to be felt up, then don’t fly. And also you can’t really stop someone from doing bad if their mind is dead set on doing evil. But since common sense is never used by our government, don’t be shocked to see Congressman Barney Frank feeling up the men, Ellen Degeneres feeling up the women, and someone like Michael Jackson feeling up your kids.

Nifty Fifty And Award

Well it has been roughly 3-4 months since I started blogging on here, and I have to say that is has been interesting to say the least. I have reached the mark where I have 51 followers of my blog. I am really shocked by this as I never expected to get above the 5 follower mark as I don’t think my sense of humor is that good. To have 51 followers in just a few months I guess is like NASA landing people on the moon back in the late 60’s and early 70’s. It is a miracle to say the least in my eyes as I never ever thought other people would find my writing funny and informative, much less actually read it and follow it. So I am very thankful to my followers.

Actually I should not call all of you my followers; I should call you straight jacketers because if you like my sense of humor, you are not normal either. But your mental problems are for another time and place in my future blog postings.

As I have said before, I started this blog as a way to put into paper (rather ePaper) my thoughts on various subjects that come to my mind. Sometimes these thoughts are about politics, sex, common sense, things I see in the news, and things I find odd or funny. I keep a little list of stuff that I need to write about it. So I will continue my popular “Great Inventions” and “Worldly Wednesday” posts as you seem to like them. I also will have some upcoming posts about my experience with my vasectomy, politics, how I would handle illegal immigration, more sex tips, political correctness, more on the TSA, and many other interesting topics. So stay tuned.

Since I said if I reached 50 followers I would post a picture of myself. So I am doing that. Here is a little picture of me and my friend Lafawndah. Yes the Lafawndah from the Napoleon Dynamite movie. Yes we are homies. And yes the picture was photo-shopped. I don’t know any celebrities, but that is beside the point. Although I once met George Carlin in the Pittsburgh airport, and yes I did recite one of his jokes when I met him. He was shocked that I mentioned that particular joke as he said no one ever comments about it. He laughed and said I was a funny kid and autographed my copy of the paper from that day. I still have that paper in a tupperware container at home. I should frame it since he is my all time favorite comedian and he passed away back in 2008.

In the future I will post a nice little picture of myself for every 50 followers I add to my blog. So when I get to 100 followers I will post a picture of myself that was taken back when I was a stripper. Yes I said a stripper picture. So spread the word on my blog so you can one day see my photo spread.

Enough about me. Onto the award which I was recently awarded, which is the “Tanned Hide Award”. The picture looks really cool and since I do enjoy spanking a nice little lady so I guess it fits with my sick twisted sense of humor. I don’t know what the rules are for this award or what the qualifications are for getting this award, so I am going to tell you about the person who gave me the award. One of my followers Bruce gave me the award. He is one funny dude and he has two blogs where he has Bruce and his Evil Twin which each write a blog. They are fucking hilarious and you should check the blogs out (especially if you like the word FUCK).

Well enough for now as I have work to actually do today at work. Everyone have a great weekend. Remember; if you can’t be good, then fucking be good at it.

Horny Women

I am not sure if this has been happening all my life (and not reported to parents or not reported to the police) or if this is just a recent thing to start happening. But it seems to me that at least once a week there is a news report in our country of some hot white woman either having sex with a teenage boy something along those lines.

Most of the women have been teachers having sex with students, and these women have been hot. I mean really attractive, like out of my league attractive. Now they may be bat shit crazy (since they are having sex with underage guys) but hey ladies, have you ever heard of hitting up a bar? Every bar (well every straight bar) is full of horny men who would fuck you at the drop of a dime. With you being bat shit crazy I realize that you may not be able to find a man to put up with you long term, but you can close your eyes and without any trouble find a horny man to fuck you senseless. Hell you damn horny middle aged women teachers can call me and I will help you out.

Back when I was in school (junior high, high school, and even college) there was not a decent looking woman teacher who could have gotten me hard enough for a blow job, much less hard enough for me to bang. Not even when drunk would I have touched any of them as they were all old cat ladies with hairy moles all over their bodies (yes I had x-ray vision back then).

Then here recently in Houston a hot blonde middle aged mother and wife was arrested for sending her sons best friend nude pictures of herself (you can read about it here). The best friend of her son was 16 years old. I looked her up on Facebook when this story broke, and she had some hot ass photos of herself on there. I wonder who called the cops (whether the mom found out or the boy told his mom) on this woman. If the boy told his mom about this, the boy is gay. Trust me on this one.

The adult/parent in me says that this woman was in the wrong and shouldn’t have done it. But the dirty, pervy, horny bastard (well 16 year old horny bastard) in my wishes I would have had a sexy ass middle aged woman sending me naked pictures of herself to me. I mean at 16 I would have been trying to nail the fuck out of this woman and not having the cops trying to nail her.

If you look at this website you will see what I am talking about. The website has a nice little list of a ton of women convicted for banging underage guys. I know half of them are fugly, but the other half are attractive enough that they should be able to get a guy to fuck them if they picked up a guy in a nightclub. And well let’s be honest here, pretty much most of them were attractive enough for me to bang when I was 16 as I was a horny bastard.

Now I know all of this shit that these women are doing is illegal, but why is this happening now? Are women today just crazier or are they just more risky in their pursuit of cock? One thing is for sure, where the fuck was these horny women at when I was going through school?