300 People Like Trash

I am sorry for my absence last week; I was extremely busy getting fucked in the ass going through an audit at work. Most of the time when we get audited at work it is pleasant, but no not this time, this time the audit was more like the Spanish Inquisition.

And at the end of each day I was so mentally drained, that all I did when I got home was drink. And drink heavily I did.

So I am sorry that you had no posts of mine to read. I know each and every one of you who follow this blog was on the verge of suicide since I was not posting. So I am back now and you can step away from the shotgun/ledge/pills/draino and go back to reading my blog.

I am also sorry that I was not able to read your blogs last week as well. I will try and make up for it this week.

But while I was getting fucked audited at work , something good did happen here. I was able to get to my 300 th follower on here. And I could not have gotten here without your support.

Here is a little screen shot of my stats from my blog. Most of the visits to my blog come from people searching for pictures, but a lot of them come from you trashy guy followers. So I thank you.

(Sep-282, Oct-733, Nov-1150, Dec-1594, Jan-2628, Feb-2768, Mar-3490, Apr-8774, May-9908, Jun-9631, and Jul-6611)

 
As you know for every 50 followers I get here, I post a funny picture of myself. Well here you go ladies; he is a goofy picture of me from a Halloween party from a few years ago. I was dressed as a monk and I was getting a nice spanking from a dominatrix. Who laughs when getting spanked? Well apparently I do.

So when I get to 350 followers, I will post another goofy picture of myself. Someone last time requested I post a picture of myself in a loin cloth in the kitchen making a sammich. Maybe I will do that, maybe I won’t. Until then keep reading my non-sense and have a good laugh.

Do You Watch Porn At Work?

No?

Well don’t feel bad, I don’t watch porn at work either.

But some people do, and sometimes we (us tax paying for us) get to pay for people to watch porn at work.

Do you remember when housing market was going tits up? Well the guys over at the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission) were supposed to be watching the market go tits up and not some porn stars tits bounce up and down. Which it came out that a lot of them were watching porn at work. I guess this explains why my 401K got fucked around the same time.

Well it gets even better.

This week here in Houston it has been reported that this guy right here was busted watching porn at work on his personal computer using the company network. No he is not some low level guy either; he is the CEO of METRO (you know the Metropolitan Transit Authority funded with our tax dollars). Yes I said he is the CEO of Metro, you know the people who run the buses and the play cho-cho train that goes between two points no one really wants to go.

So what punishment did he get you ask? Well he got suspended without pay for a week which is going to cost him $4,500. Yes he did not get fired and yes this guy makes roughly $234,000 a year.

The thing that pisses me off is that the paper’s story said that his punishment was more severe than it normally is. Huh? You mean you get busted watching porn at work and you get less punishment than a week off without pay? I am curious to know how many times you have to get busted watching porn at work before you get fired. I know in the private sector you would get fired for this.

The funny thing in all of this is that this guy was brought in to replace the previous guy who was fired for gross corruption. Way to go cleaning it up, keep up the good work.

The one glaring comment I have is do we really need someone running and cleaning up Metro that is not smart enough to at least get a broad band card or an i-Phone to watch porn at work so he doesn't get caught? 

The Hookers Union

I ended up going out on Thursday night with a few friends for beers and dinner so I didn’t have time to write a proper original post. So to make up for it here is a great little email joke that I got a while back that illustrates that not all unions are a good thing.


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,” she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.”

Thoughts Of A Jackass # 5

Well it has been a couple of months since my last post in my series “Thoughts Of A Jackass” so here is another installment. This series is where I take some of my jackass Facebook posts and share them with you.

I just spent all day removing a virus from my laptop. It got a virus last night while I was reading a news story about Congressman Weiner. Even the news about him is infectious.

Am I the only one who has the urge to rip the speaker off the top of ice cream trucks when they roll through the neighborhood?

Hey menfolk, if you want to keep a woman from going through your cell phone, just rename it "kitchen" then it is almost guaranteed that no woman will go in it.

I think the powers that be need to invent a spray for wasps that does not kill them, but rather makes them leave your house and go to your neighbor’s house and sting them.

If I get married again I am going to Lake Charles instead of Vegas.

After -re-watching the US Women's world cup soccer game yesterday against North Korea, I must say I feel sorry for the people of that oppressed country. I mean how good can life be there when your country makes all the women on the soccer team have the same exact hair cut.

Happy-You-Knocked-Up-The-Wrong-Woman-Day.

If ABC was smart, they would have put Charilie Sheen on Dancing With The Stars....

I miss football so bad I am watching a Canadian Football League game.

I am curious to know which day of the week more people quit their jobs on. I am pretty sure it is Monday.

Walmart finally has the oral health isle figured out. They had toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and feminine products all on the same isle during my last visit.

Now that his term as governor is over does this mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to go back to making shitty b-rated action movies?

It should be mandatory in this country that in order to get a driver’s license you should be able to prove that you can walk through a crowded Walmart without walking into people and their baskets. If you can't do that you have no fucking business driving on the roadways.

If our country really wanted to stop the terrorists cold in their tracks, all the US has to do is make a 100 woman army made up of pissed off ex-wives along with 1 divorce attorney and drop them into where the terrorists are. The war would be over in days.

Did my ears deceive me just now? I thought I heard the guy on Fox say that an Astros player was playing in the All Star Game. Surely he can't be serious.

"Imma let you finish your trial Casey Anthony, but OJ Simpson's not guilty verdict was better" - Kanye West

Apparently I Am An Addict.

My kids tell me I spend too much time on the computer. Well I probably do. But they say it is not the computer, but rather Facebook that I spend too much time on.

Last Friday I was on Facebook before leaving work, I noticed that one of the local sports radio stations was doing a giveaway on Facebook.

They said, “like this picture and be one of the first 100 to do so and we will have a drawing for a free copy of the Playstation 3 game MLB2K11.” So I “liked” it and got off the computer and proceeded home.

After eating dinner late Friday night I got on Facebook to check things out. It was then that I noticed a post from said radio station saying, “Congrats to Oilfield Trash, you have won the giveaway. Please call 555-UWon to come and claim your game.”

I jumped up and screamed, “hell to the YEA!!!!”

I then decided I needed to send my kids an email telling them how I got paid to be on Facebook and that I had won the game (because after all they will play said game with me).

This is the actual email I sent to the kids.


Biggie and Sissy,


I don't want you to ever say anything about your dad being on facebook again. Why, because I just won a PS3 video game "MLB 2K11" from a local sports radio stations Facebook page. So take that you two for hating on your dad for being on facebook.


Peace, Love, and free video games!!!!


Love, dad.


My son emailed me back and told me that it was cool that I had won the game and he can’t wait to play it with me when he gets back from vacation. He also apologized for saying I was addicted to Facebook.

Dad 1, Brats 0.

Hey Can I Borrow Some Ends?

I am beyond sick of Washington and the great debt ceiling debate that is going on right now.

Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats are behaving. And neither have the desires of the American people at heart. They are both only looking to do what we will get them re-elected in 2012. Well guess what, we are fucked in the process.

The Republicans only want to cut spending, and the Democrats only want to raise taxes.

If you want to stop the bleeding and adding of debt, you have to cut your spending.

If you want to get out of debt, you have to cut spending and also raise revenue. To get out of debt you have to do both in cutting your spending and bring in more money.

It seems simple right? Well apparently the concept that my kids understand is not something that Washington seems to know anything about.

Neither party seems to understand the root cause of how we got into this mess in the first place. And that is by spending too much money.

Now don’t think I am taking sides here (remember I am in independent) because honestly both the Republicans and the Democrats are totally guilty when it comes to spending. For decades now both parties (with both holding the White House and congress at alternating times throughout the last 30 years) have spent us blindly into oblivion. It is time to have a serious talk about it.

We need to cut spending. Like when I was born. But since that time has passed we need to cut spending. I know some of you are fans of big government and some are not. Regardless of where your political affiliations may lay, this spending problem is hurting all of us. There are tons of money that are wasted daily by our government and we need to get better returns for our tax dollars. Because honestly right now we are not getting our money’s worth.

At the same time, we need to increase revenue by closing out some tax loopholes and get everyone paying their fair share in taxes (I am looking at you GE who paid ZERO in taxes in 2010).

Seems like an easy solution right?

Well it is too complicated for Washington because frankly the President’s only solution is to raise taxes and not stop the spending. I mean that is like you having a brother who is a meth addict and instead of putting his ass in rehab to help him (ie fix the cause of the problem); you just go out and buy him more meth. Yes it is that insane.

Needless to say we are screwed and it is not looking good right now for our future.To quote a great movie in Gremlins 2, "I am advising all of my clients to invest in canned goods and shotgun shells."

The Triple Nipple

People with an extra nipple are nothing new. Many people over the years have had an extra nipple on their chest or torso area.

Well this woman has a nipple in a new area. She has a third nipple and it is on the bottom of one of her feet.

Now I have heard of “pussy footing around” but I have never heard of “nipple footing around”.

Yes I said she has an actual nipple on the bottom of her foot.

I bet she never gets turned down when she asks for a foot massage. Hell I bet she even has guys (and even ladies) begging to give her a foot massage.

Can you imagine the shock and look on the little Asian ladies face at the nail salon when she goes and gets a pedi?

I wonder if it hurts her when she is walking around outside when it is cold.

Can you imagine having her on the bed with her legs over your shoulders, you could pinch two nipples and suck on the third at the same time.

Ok I will stop with the nasty jokes.